by April Fire
“Honey, you’re dating this guy,” She remarked. “No shame in it, but you guys are in the early days of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.”
“Trust me, that’s the last thing I want with Darius,” I rolled my eyes. “He’s an amateur boxer, for God’s sake. And the people he hangs around with aren’t always the…well, the most legal of people.”
She was still giving me the look.
“What?”
“You guys said you were going to keep it casual, right?” She confirmed. I nodded.
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re totally not,” she shrugged.
“And you and your guy are?” I teased. “You seem pretty smitten with him.”
“With his dick, maybe,” she replied, loud enough that a couple of people turned around and gave us dirty looks. I glanced at them apologetically but had trouble keeping the smile off my face. Nina had no filter, and it was by far one of the best parts about being friends with her.
“But seriously, if you’re not looking for something serious, you need to nip this in the bud,” she suggested. “Keep it strictly about sex.”
“But I like spending time with him…” I admitted, and Nina pounced at once.
“Do you like him? Like, like him like him?” She tapped her fingers against her coffee cup.
“What are we, in high school?” I rolled my eyes, but only so I could deflect her question for a moment longer.
“Okay, so you’re basically in love with him,” she replied. matter-of-factly.
“Look, yes, I guess I don’t hate him,” I conceded. “But I’ve got my head over my heart here. I know what’s good for me.”
“Whatever you say,” she eyed me suspiciously, and I could tell that she didn’t believe a word of what was coming out of my mouth. “Hey, how’d that audition go?”
“Not bad,” I replied, stirring my coffee to try and distract myself from the little uptick of excitement that came when she mentioned the audition. I had gotten a call from a friend of a friend of Darius’ – his band was looking for a new bassist to come play a few gigs around the city, with a view to taking on the position permanently. I had gone out to play for them, and they seemed to really like me, though I hadn’t heard anything from them since then, so I wasn’t getting too excited.
“I’m sure you’ll get it,” Nina beamed across the table at me. She had always been my biggest cheerleader when it came to stuff like this, and I couldn’t help but smile back at her enthusiasm.
“Thanks,” I bowed my head gratefully, and turned the subject back to the crazy shit she’d been getting up to in bed with her new beau. I was happy to get the attention off me for a while because, frankly, she had given me a lot to think about.
So, there I was that morning, at Darius’, slipping into his shower to get myself ready for another shift at work. It had taken me a while to learn how to use the damn thing, but now I had it figured out -- I just had to let it run for an age until the water got hot.
Darius liked cold showers anyway, especially when he got home from a fight, so he didn’t even realize that there was something up with his shower until I pointed it out to him. I smiled as I climbed under the warm rush of water, thinking back to the stunned expression on his face when I had let out a yelp of displeasure when he’d pulled me under the freezing water with him.
I washed my hair with the shower gel I’d dumped there a few days earlier, dried off, and got myself dressed. I made my way through to the kitchen, and found, to my surprise, that Darius was already up and out of bed and had made us both a cup of coffee. He handed one to me, and I took a sip.
“Mmm,” I sighed, satisfied. “Thanks, I needed that.”
“You’re going to work, right?” He furrowed his brow at me, as though desperately trying to remember what I had or hadn’t told him the night before. I couldn’t really recall much past the two of us getting in the door, myself.
“Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded.
“I’ll walk you there,” he suggested. “It’s a beautiful day out.”
“Are you sure?” I frowned. “It’s a long way, and if you’ve got stuff to be getting on with I don’t mind.”
“I want to,” he assured me, catching my face between his hands. “Trust me.”
“Okay then,” I gave him a look out of the corner of my eye as he sipped his coffee and wandered through to the bathroom to get his shower ready. I couldn’t help but think about what Nina had said to me when the two of us were at that coffee shop -- that we were actually dating and just playing at keeping things casual. And I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. Whenever I saw him, I felt that little buzz of excitement in my chest, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore. I thought what we had was just attraction, but the more time I spent with him, the less likely that seemed to be.
I drank my coffee and reached for my phone, planning on scrolling through the news as I caffeinated myself up to the gills. Instead, I saw a message waiting for me. Who was texting me at this hour? I glanced at the time- I wasn’t late for work, so it couldn’t have been a supervisor demanding to know where I was, already. I didn’t recognize the number as I tapped the message open, but as soon as I saw what appeared on my screen, I wanted to punch the air with glee.
Darius came out of the shower, wrapped in nothing but a towel, and found me beaming down at my phone.
“What is it?” He came and wrapped his arm around my waist, the smell of his shampoo filling my senses. I turned to him and held out the phone.
“Look!” I exclaimed, louder than I meant to, but damn, I was just so excited. He squinted at the message, and then his face lit up.
“You got the gigs!” he replied, matching my level of joy at last. “That’s amazing, well done!”
“Thanks,” I sighed, already giddy. “I haven’t played in so long. I can’t wait.”
“When’s the first one?” He asked as he went through to the bedroom to get himself dressed.
“A week tomorrow. I’ll need to start practicing, like, yesterday.”
“Shit, I have a fight that evening,” he frowned. “I really wanted to come along and see you play.”
“Don’t worry about it!” I waved my hand. “No big deal.”
“I’ll be at the second one,” he promised as he pulled on a shirt.
“You really don’t have to,” I assured him, but he shook his head.
“You’ve seen me fight, it’s only fair that I get to see you play,” he flashed me a smile. “Come on, we should probably think about leaving. You ready?”
“When you are,” I agreed, and we made our way out the apartment and down in the direction of Dino’s. I found myself babbling away in excitement about the upcoming gig, the nerves already setting in as I imagined playing in front of an audience again. Darius reassured me at every turn, and before I knew it, the two of us were standing at the back entrance to the bar.
“I’ll catch you later?” Darius ran his hand over his hair, and I nodded.
“Give me a text when you’re next free,” I suggested, and, before I could think about what I was doing, I leaned in and planted a kiss on his lips.
We both stood stock-still for a second, and then Darius glanced around, presumably to make sure that no-one from work had caught us. Nope, we were alone. He actually flushed- and backed away a few paces.
“I should probably be getting home,” he mumbled, and I nodded, looking at the ground.
“See you later,” I muttered in reply, and watched as he vanished back around the front of the building and out on to the street.
I stepped into Dino’s and grabbed my apron from the rack, absently tying it around my waist. Shit. Had I just seriously fucked things up between us?
I went about my usual chores, and tried to reason with myself- he’d kissed me just as much as I’d kissed him, after all. It was just a little peck- but it was the first time we’d so much as touched outside his apartment. I knew no-one had seen us, but still…the panic pulsed at the
back of my mind, and I wondered what would happen if anyone found out that the two of us were together.
Were we, though? Together? I had no idea, and the lines were getting more and more blurred between what I knew to be true and what we’d promised each other we wanted from this relationship. We’d agreed that this was going to be casual-- nothing serious, just some fun between co-workers after we fortuitously found ourselves in each other’s lives once again. But maybe Nina had been right, maybe there was something else going on here. I did my best to put her raised eyebrows and her unasked-for commentary on whatever we had, out of my head, but it was hard-I knew that what she had told me was getting closer and closer to coming true. And, beyond the fact that it would be proving her right, I didn’t want to admit it.
The feeling of his lips on mine lingered on my skin, and I touched my fingers to my mouth as if trying to recreate it. Did I want him like this? He was bad news- the kind of guy my mom would have thoroughly disapproved of. But then…that was what made it hot in the first place. He was forbidden, a bad idea, a sure thing set to failure, but I had to try. I had to taste him, to try him out, to see how we went together and remind myself why our pieces would never slot together.
And what I’d found was that I liked him. A lot. More than I thought I would. When I saw him in that ring six weeks ago, I’d already painted a picture of him in my head, convincing myself that he would be a cocky asshole who wasn’t worth the time of day. Yeah, he was hot, but so were a lot of guys, and most of them weren’t dragging around this kind of baggage.
I kept him at arm’s length in my head. In doing so, I’d given him an in. If he wasn’t an option, then there was no harm trying him out, right? And that led to nights together, to days together. To the acknowledgement of the fact that I fucking liked Darius and that he was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful guys I’d ever come across in my life.
Fuck it.
I stepped out on the restaurant floor and made my way around the empty tables, setting out places and cutlery for the lunchtime rush. I knew I had walked into a mistake, the most obvious one I could have made -- of course I was going to fall for him, of course things were going to go too far. But for now, as long as I was here, I could play at being the girl I wanted to be -- removed, restrained, distant and independent. And I could pretend that I wasn’t falling hard for a guy I’d promised myself I never would.
Chapter Four
Emily
The gig came around fast and I met up with the group, The White Roses, not long after my shift was done that first day I got accepted. We practiced hard, and it felt good to have callouses on my hands again- I rubbed my fingertips together as I lay in bed the night before the gig and smiled to myself. Well, at least something good had come out of this whole Darius situation.
My heart ached a little bit when I thought of him, and I wondered if I’d made the right choice in not contacting him since that inadvertent kiss we’d shared outside of work. We hadn’t been sharing any shifts together, so I actually hadn’t laid eyes on him since that day. I had been worried that he might try and get in contact with me, that he might get offended at my ghosting him, but I hadn’t heard a word.
I wondered if he was going through the same thing I was. Maybe he’d walked away from that encounter and gone through the exact same thought process, convincing himself that we had gone too far and that it would be best for us if we took a step back and let things cool off for a while.
The silence on both our ends seemed to indicate that we’d come to the same conclusion- that this was best left untouched, a reminder that sometimes it was all too easy to slip into routines that were far from casual with someone far from appropriate.
Even though I was disappointed about the way things had turned out with Darius, I at least had something to keep my mind off of it. The gig was tomorrow night, and I had booked the evening off work in preparation. Nina was coming out to see me, and I couldn’t wait to be back up on the stage again. How long had it been? In months? I couldn’t even count anymore, and didn’t want to- I was too excited about getting what felt like another shot at a dream I’d long ago put on the back burner and forgotten about.
My bass had dust on it when I heaved it out of the closet to take down to the rehearsal space, that’s how long it had been since I trusted myself to play. Every time I’d even glanced at one of my instruments, it would have felt like taunting myself to actually pick one up and play it knowing that I would probably never do so for an audience again.
But now, here I was- back on the trail again. I did my best to shake the feeling that I would just be traipsing down another path that led to inevitable disappointment, and pulled myself out of bed the next morning with a giant, goofy smile on my face.
We were heading along to the club where we were playing early, to get our sound checks down and give ourselves time to go over the set list one last time. I dressed quickly, trying to match my style to the preppy-hipster look I’d seen them all sporting in their live performances when I’d searched them online.
Then I grabbed my bass, and headed out the door. Nerves danced through my veins, and I did my best to ignore the fact that I would be getting up in front of an audience in less than nine hours with a band I’d never played live with before.
“Hey!” The guitarist, Sheena, was smoking a cigarette outside the venue when I arrived. She quickly tossed it aside and reached out to help me with my bass. “You look nice.”
“Thanks,” I said, glancing down at my clothes- I had settled on a smart pair of tailored pants matched with a slouchy retro movie shirt and minimal jewelry. I thought I looked pretty cute.
“How are you feeling? You nervous?” She held the door open for me and ushered me in.
“Uh, yeah, a little,” I shrugged. “How many people do you normally get at gigs like this?”
“A few hundred,” she replied. “Not many.”
A few hundred? I tripped up over the number in my head. When it came to shows like this, the most I’d played for was maybe a hundred and fifty, and that was just because we were the warm-up act for a much bigger group. The thought of playing for a packed-out room, that was enough to send my nerves off into overdrive once again.
We made our way backstage, and I found the rest of the band -- Taylor, Anna, and Joy lounging in one of the dressing rooms. They all seemed so relaxed and in-control, whereas I felt as though I might be found out at any minute and asked to leave, exposed as the barely-professional musician that I was. They all glanced up when I entered the room, and Taylor got to his feet and clapped his hands together.
“So,” he glanced around the room as everyone else got to their feet, stretching and yawning and sighing. “Sounds check?”
The rest of the day went so fast I could barely keep track of it- the sound check, the rehearsals, a break for dinner and drinks and then- we were due on. We were the main attraction that evening, and I sat in the dressing room and listened to the warm-up group finishing up. They were good-really good, in fact. I had found myself tapping my fingers on the windowsill in time with almost every one of their songs. Jesus, I hope no-one rumbled me tonight. I didn’t know why it sprung into my mind, but I suddenly convinced myself that everyone would see me for what I was, a replacement, a stand-in, nothing more than a poor imitation.
“Hey!” Joy waved her hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my reverie and bringing me back to the real world. The cheer of the crowd was leaking through the walls as the support group finished up their act. It was time for us to go on.
“Uh, sorry,” I muttered, and reached for my bass, looping the strap over my shoulders. The weight of it against my hips was comforting, and I gripped the neck and let the rest of them lead me out into the hall and then towards the stage beyond. Lights were pulsing just past the curtains, and the crowd was murmuring with anticipation. God, don’t let me fuck any of this up, I prayed to myself silently, my hands tightening around the wood of the bass. I needed this. The universe
had been intent on dicking me over the last few weeks, so I at least deserved this to go well.
And there it was -- all of a sudden, I was on the stage, clutching the bass to me as though it would protect me from the roaring crowd in front of me. The lights were blinding and pouring down straight into my eyes, enough that I could barely make out the figures in front of me. I could tell there were at least two hundred people crammed onto the club floor, all of them yelling with excitement at our arrival. I’d never had a reaction like this with any of the bands I’d played for, and before I knew it, adrenalin had taken over, and it swept me through the rest of the show.
I did it- I fucking did it, even though the entryway through my brain was screeching with panic and nerves and worry that I was going to slip and miss a note and then the bass was going to catch fire or some shit. But I didn’t, and it didn’t, and before I knew it the gig was almost done- we were finishing up on our last song, a minor hit that had broken into the top one-hundred the year before.
Everyone was singing along, and I could hardly believe that I was actually onstage for something like this instead of standing in the audience, having a great time and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t insanely jealous of everyone up on stage.
And that, of course, is when I saw him.
I wasn’t sure what drew my eye to Darius, standing in the audience like that- I hadn’t been able to pick out anyone in particular since I’d walked out of the wings. The lights were pulsing in time with the music, blue, red, pink and purple, and that was distracting enough without squinting into the crowd to pick out specific people. But all of a sudden, as we hit the first chorus, my eyes focused in on him and my heart bounced up in my chest.
For a moment, my fingers froze on the frets on the guitar, and I had to remind myself where I was and what I was doing. If I fucked this up because of some guy, I would never forgive myself. I forced myself to drag my eyes away from him and focus on playing, determined to hit the last few notes and get this shit done.