Robin pulled her up onto the bench next to her. “I understand you’re hurting, Lily, and I’ve been trying to let you take the lead, but the teasing makes me feel you’re playing with me. Or holding out for a c—”
She took a deep breath. “Apology accepted. Let’s enjoy the day.” She grinned. “Now how about I beat your ass at a kayak race?”
Holding out for what? A commitment? Was that what she was doing? Didn’t Robin have a pony in this race? Why was it totally her responsibility? And now Robin was shoving this discussion aside again in favor of having fun in the moment. That was good for the moment, but not so good for working out their issues. Well, she’d said up front she wanted to have fun and play, that she wasn’t into pain and tears. And for her a good part of having fun was sex. Was she right that once Robin had taken her to bed, she would dump her? Well, tonight was the night, so she’d know soon enough. Lily hugged her.
“You really think you can beat me? Let’s go.”
The race was a draw, but they were both soaked so they lay on the grass in the sun, drying out, then went for a beer and a snack at Pier 1, the outdoor restaurant a little beyond the kayaks. Afterwards, Lily led them to the subway, and they went downtown to walk the High Line. She was curious about the park, thirty feet above the street on a former elevated railway that had once carried trains along Manhattan’s West Side. They held hands and laughed and joked as they strolled the one-and-a-half-mile-long park, admiring the wildflowers and grasses, the art installations and views of the Hudson River. From time to time they stopped to rest on a bench. Lily leaned into Robin’s arms. As they silently people watched, she kissed Robin’s palm, then shifted to kiss her lightly on the lips. Lily felt close to Robin and sensed sadness and tenderness that hadn’t been there before.
For dinner, they took the subway uptown to One-hundred-twenty-fifth Street and Broadway to Pisticci, an Italian restaurant on nearby LaSalle Avenue.
“So, my Southern belle,” Robin teased, “do you only eat in restaurants in basements?”
Lily blushed. “I go where the food is good and the prices are right. Glitz and glamour don’t do it for me.”
“Do you know that when you get excited or upset you sound more Southern?”
“I go to some childhood place inside and it just comes out that way. Does it bother you?”
Robin rubbed her thumb over Lily’s hand. “I like it.”
Chapter Eighteen
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Dinner was delicious and romantic. But the low-level anxiety Robin had been feeling most of the day had gone sky high after she’d had a fantasy about them getting married—Lily in a white gown, she in a tux. It happened while Lily was in the ladies room. Robin was hyperventilating as Lily approached the table again, so she stood, held the napkin in front of her mouth as if she was dabbing her lips, muttered “bathroom” and dashed away. Since this wasn’t the first time she’d hyperventilated, she knew what to do. After five minutes breathing deeply she was back to normal. Happily, Lily didn’t question her story of a sudden urge to pee.
As they stepped out of the restaurant into a beautiful evening, Robin took Lily’s hand. “Want to walk to your apartment?”
Lily seemed uneasy. “I’d love it. But are you up for another two miles?”
Had she sensed Robin’s anxiety?
Robin smiled. “You bet.”
Robin’s mind was racing as she threw an arm over Lily’s shoulder and pulled her close, relishing the way their bodies fit together. Lily was smart and playful and fun to be with. Robin loved the time they spent together and desired her more than any woman she’d ever dated. But when had she lost sight of her original plan—have sex with the sensual blonde across the room and move on? Seeing Lily was starting to feel like a commitment. She knew she didn’t want a committed relationship, she knew she didn’t want children and she knew she’d stop seeing Lily after they’d had sex a couple of times. Lily was already fragile from Micki’s heartless treatment. Walking away would hurt Lily. Maybe ending it now before they had sex and things got more involved would be kinder.
Lily stopped walking. “You’re so quiet. Is everything all right?”
“Just enjoying the evening.” And now she was lying. To protect Lily? Or herself?
She sought Robin’s eyes. “Did you enjoy today?”
“I did. It was fun.” And I was hoping we’d end up in bed tonight, but a quick break would probably be the easiest.
They were down at Eighty-ninth Street when they noticed the huge trailers and the lights and the crowd. Lily pointed out the familiar actress from Law and Order SVU. “They’re always shooting the show around here.”
While they watched, another actress moved into the scene from the sidelines, there was an exchange of dialogue, a struggle, she was cuffed, then escorted toward a police car off camera. As the cuffs were being removed, she looked their way, smiled and waved. Robin waved back.
“One of your many admirers, I presume?”
Robin smiled down at her. “As a matter of fact. Her name is Donna Darnly.”
“Well, Donna wants to talk to you.” Lily couldn’t keep the annoyance—or was it jealousy—out of her voice.
“What?” Robin turned toward the woman who was waving her over, then turned back to Lily. “Excuse me. I’ll just be a minute.” She didn’t think Donna would want to have anything to do with her after being dumped.
Aware of Lily’s eyes following her as she approached Donna, she resolved to be careful of Lily’s feelings. But as they talked, Donna trailed her hand up and down the bare skin of her arm, then did the same on her thigh, below her shorts. She shivered.
She turned to see whether Lily had noticed. Apparently, she had, because she quickly looked away, but not before Robin saw that her eyes were wide and her smile uncertain. Donna gently touched her chin and turned her face back to her. “I’ve missed you, Robin. Meet me later.” Her hand slipped under Robin’s T-shirt and caressed her stomach. “I’ll show you a good time. You won’t regret it.”
After spending the whole day with Lily, her body was so ready that a lamppost could probably spark her, but, unfortunately, neither Lily nor the lamppost would be available sexually tonight.
“Remember, no commitment. Give me your address.” She handed her the small black notebook and pen she always carried, looked at what she wrote and pocketed the book and pen. Donna ran her fingers around Robin’s jaw and was about to lean in for a kiss. Lily. Her breath caught. “Go.” She pushed Donna toward her trailer. “See you later.”
She took a deep breath trying to steady her heart, then walked back to Lily who looked at her curiously but didn’t ask.
“She invited me to a party at her apartment later.” Another lie. Yes, this was definitely getting too involved.
Lily glanced at her phone. “It’s almost eleven. How much later could it be?”
“She said about twelve thirty. These acting people keep weird hours.” She took Lily’s arm. “Shall we continue walking?”
At Lily’s door, their tender kisses deepened as usual, but tonight sadness and regret were mixed with the passion Robin felt. She was dying to take Lily to bed, and she had no doubt Lily wanted her, wanted her to come in, wanted to let her in. But she cared about Lily, knew that having sex and then dumping her would be worse than just walking away. Finally, she stepped back, kissed her tenderly once more and looked into her eyes. “Lily, I—”
“Don’t.” She put two fingers on Robin’s lips. “Just go. It’s okay.” She took Robin’s face in her hands and kissed her gently. Her eyes glistened. “Really, it’s okay.” Her voice was soft, her smile tender.
Robin blinked back her own tears. She hadn’t expected to feel so bad. She stared into Lily’s eyes, nodded, then walked to the elevator. She didn’t look back.
Chapter Nineteen
Lily’s Lament
Lily opened the door to Annie and fell into her arms, sobbing. Annie held her and pulled the door close
d behind her. “What’s wrong?” In between sobs, Lily murmured something into her shoulder, but Annie didn’t understand a word of what she said. After a couple of minutes, Lily’s sobs subsided. She looked up through swollen eyes and offered an apologetic shrug. “Sorry, Annie, why don’t y’all come in?”
“Are your mamas all right?” Annie followed her into the living room and sat next to her on the sofa. She picked up Lily’s hand. “What’s wrong?”
“I let Robin go last night.”
Annie swiveled to face Lily. “What do you mean, let her go?”
Lily shifted away from Annie. “She was up front about no commitment, that she didn’t do relationships. And the clearer I got about wanting a commitment, the more I sensed her pulling away. So I said it was okay for her to go. Remember I promised to not make a scene if we broke up?” A sob escaped.
“I’m sorry you’re in such pain, but I have to tell you I’m relieved to see you cry. I worried about you after Micki. You didn’t cry at all, at least not that I saw, and I wondered what you did with all the feelings. But you’ve been dating Robin for what, a month? You decided to let her go and you’re devastated?”
Lily nodded. “That’s just it. There were no feelings after Micki. Well, I was pissed and embarrassed but no regrets, no sadness, no sense of loss. Just relief at realizing my true feelings and happiness about being on my own. Losing Robin feels different.” She blew her nose. “I know it sounds stupid, but from the minute our eyes found each other that first time in Shazarak I felt an intense connection. I thought I didn’t want commitment either. But I was lying to myself and to her.”
“If it’s any consolation, Robin hung out with you longer than she usually does.”
Lily pulled away from Annie. “What does that mean?”
Annie stood. “Shit. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Well, you did say it, so you’d better tell me what you meant.”
Annie walked to the window, keeping her back to Lily. She stared down at Central Park for a minute, then turned back. “I overheard two women talking about her in the ladies room at Shazarak the other night. After they stopped drooling over her, the women discussed the fact that she’s commitment phobic, that she dates lots of women but rarely goes out with anyone more than three times.”
“We went out way more than three times and I thought she was feeling the same connection as me.”
“Tell me again why you let her go?”
“I’m not sure I really had a choice, but I felt her drifting away and I thought it would hurt less if I did it. Besides, I did give her that damned contract.” She burst into tears again.
“Dammit, Lily, do you hear yourself?” Annie had her hands on her hips. “Dumping her so she wouldn’t have the pain of dumping you. What about you? What about your pain? And if it’s so painful to let her go, why aren’t you fighting for her?”
“I’m not fighting for her because she doesn’t want me. She just wants sex. And because she hates hurting people so it’s hard for her to break up.”
“Hello. This is the twenty-first century. Assuming the sex is good, what’s wrong with having a sexual relationship and seeing where it goes?”
Lily blushed and looked away. “There was no…we didn’t have…you know I don’t trust my feelings.”
Annie opened her mouth but no words came. She stared at Lily. “You never?”
Lily shook her head. “I think I was afraid she would dump me after we had sex.”
“So you dumped her before you had sex. I don’t understand.”
“At first, she was talking about having sex and I was thinking making love. She was clear she wanted to get me into bed but I—call me old-fashioned or scared—decided we had to date and get to know each other first. I was trying to be in control, I guess. After a few dates, I was ready but things kept getting in the way. She was tired, we were tired, her business, people staying at my apartment. Of course, I just rolled passively with it instead of fighting to make the time.”
“And Robin was okay with that?”
“She seemed to be. We were both really turned on. Do you think that’s why she drifted away?”
“I don’t know, Lily, you two seemed really into each other the two times I spent time with you, but when we had dinner at her apartment I did notice you sort of sneak attacking her about the models she dated before you and also making a big deal about her money. Maybe she thought you weren’t really interested.”
Annie crossed to the sofa and took hold of Lily’s hands. “Listen my friend, you are funny, intelligent, kind, personable, gentle, self-effacing and so caring you actually broke up with Robin to protect her from the pain of doing it.” Annie looked directly into Lily’s eyes. “I’d better stop. I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“You’re not.” Lily’s face and her voice registered her shock.
“Just joking.” Annie laughed. “It’s too soon to know for sure, but I think Emma could be the one for me.” She squeezed Lily’s hands. “You have so much going for you, Lily, yet you constantly doubt and second-guess yourself. Why?”
Lily pulled away. “I’m a big baby, aren’t I?” She smiled through her tears. “My agent would tell me to suck it up and put all these feelings in a new romance.”
“I don’t think you’re a big baby and I don’t think that all you want from life is fodder for your writing. I only have Micki and Robin to compare but you agreed to marry Micki, who you didn’t love, and dumped Robin, who it sounds like you might love.” Annie took her hand. “Are you sure you’re in touch with your true feelings now or are these rebound feelings?”
“I need coffee.” Annie followed Lily into the kitchen and watched her spoon coffee into the pot, fill it water, then set cups and milk and sugar on a tray. When the coffee was ready, they went back into the living room. Annie sat on the sofa, Lily put the tray on the coffee table, handed her a cup, then sat next to her. “I really think I’m done with Micki.” Lily stirred her coffee, then took a sip. “My feelings for Robin aren’t rebound feelings but I think you’re right, I am doubting and second guessing myself.”
“You need to figure out the source of your low self-esteem and work on building your self-confidence before you can have a relationship with Robin—or anyone for that matter.”
Lily chewed her lip as she stared out the window. “I know what it is.” She put her coffee down, stood and faced Annie. “It’s this.” She swept her hands in front of her, indicating her body.
Annie frowned. “What?”
“My body, I’m fat and—”
“Holy bat shit, Lily, you can’t…” She stood, put her hands on Lily’s shoulders, and tried to look into Lily’s eyes but red-faced, Lily stared over Annie’s shoulder. Annie pulled her into a tight hug. Lily’s arms hung loose for a few seconds, then she wrapped them around Annie. A soft sob escaped Lily.
“Oh, Lily. How can you not know you’re gorgeous? I would kill for a body like yours.” Annie pulled her head back so they were eye to eye. “Your body is exactly like your mama Del’s—”
“Yes, Del is, um, voluptuous, but I’m just fat and you don’t notice it because I usually wear big shirts and things to cover myself.”
“Uh-uh, I’ll say it again. You are gorgeous and apparently you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.” Annie laughed and shook her head. “Haven’t you noticed that when we’re out women fall all over themselves to talk to you and dance with you. I’m your best friend and your best friend wouldn’t lie to you. Right?”
Lily hesitated, then nodded. “That’s my cleavage. Everybody likes breasts.”
“True. But. You. Are. Not. Fat. And I would wager Robin’s billion if I had it, that Robin definitely doesn’t think you’re fat. In fact, Emma was surprised at how into you Robin was.”
“Surprised that I’m not anything like the beautiful thin models and actresses in Robin’s stable of admirers?”
“No. Surprised at how happy Robin seemed with you, at how muc
h she wanted your approval, at how her face lit up when you walked into the room.”
Lily paced, thinking. “I do feel she cares for me, but I’m sure she was about to dump me. Why would she do that?”
“Maybe she’s scared like you. Maybe she thinks she’s not good enough for you. Maybe she thinks you prefer poor, unattractive, dull-witted women.”
Lily stopped short. “Oh.”
Annie smiled. “You care for her. Why did you dump her?”
“You think she might be afraid? Should I call her? Lily began to pace again. “What if she moves on?”
“If you don’t get your shit together, it won’t matter if she’s moved on or not.” Annie plopped down on the sofa and picked up her coffee. “I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me I’d do therapy three times a week to figure out the trust and body image issues. Once you’ve replaced your self-doubt with self-confidence, you can call Robin, if you’re still interested, and get her to commit. You’re strong, Lily. You can do it.”
“What have I done, Annie? The thought that I’ve lost her scares me to death. Robin is so alive. She’s vibrant and sexy and beautiful inside and out, plus kind and generous and fun to be with. Not only that, she’s brilliant and challenges me intellectually like no one ever has. Just looking at her fires up my body, kissing her reduces me to a bowl of Jello and her touch electrifies me. I feel like I want to lose myself in her, to take her to bed and never get out, to spend forever with her.”
“Wow. Could this be love?”
“If it is, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.”
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