They stayed about an hour talking softly to Jess, then Robin could see Lily fading and she insisted they go back to her room. Robin stretched out next to Lily and they talked quietly, dozing off and on. Nurses bustled in from time to time to check Lily’s vitals, help her pump and escort her to the bathroom. Every couple of hours they visited Jess for an hour. In between they had lunch and dinner and napped.
It was getting late, and Lily encouraged Robin to go home and get some sleep.
Robin wanted to stay. “I don’t know if I can sleep without you in bed.”
“Try. You’ll sleep better at home. We’re going to need our strength.”
Finally, Robin stood and stretched. “Okay, you get some sleep too. I’ll be back early.” She kissed Lily. “Sleep well.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
One Hundred Five Days
When the nurse woke her at four in the morning so she could pump her breasts, Lily bolted up, fear clenching her heart and making it difficult to breathe. “Has something happened to my baby?”
“What?” The nurse seemed confused. “No. I’m here to help you pump. She needs your milk.”
Now she was anxious and needed to see her daughter. “Can you help me to the NICU so I can see my baby?”
The nurse hesitated. “I’m not sure if you should—”
“Please.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I really need to be there for her.”
“Let’s pump your breasts, then I’ll see.” Once again the little milk that came out hardly seemed worth the effort, but the nurse seem satisfied. “Don’t worry, it takes some time to start flowing. Give me a second.” She left the room with the milk.
It took a few minutes, but she came back smiling. “I’ll take you and leave you there, and when you’re ready to come back, you can ask one of the nurses to call the desk, and someone will come get you.” She helped Lily swing her legs to the side of the bed, then stand. She hadn’t expected to still feel so exhausted. Jess was so small so she hadn’t needed stitches, but she was sorer now than earlier and it hurt to walk. The nurse noticed her grimace as she stood.
“Are you sure you don’t want to rest a little more?”
“Definitely.”
Lily took the arm the nurse offered.
It felt this time like they were on a five-mile hike, but she pushed on despite the discomfort until the nurse stopped. “I know you’re anxious to get there, but you’re going to wear yourself out. Let’s slow down.” After that, they inched along until they were outside the NICU. The nurse pressed the buzzer.
It was only a minute or two before a NICU nurse let her in. The noise slammed her again. There was no sense here that it was the middle of the night. The nurse introduced herself as Tina and took her arm. “Did anyone show you how to wash?” She led her to the sinks.
“Yes, earlier.”
Tina watched her wash and nodded her approval before handing her a gown and walking with her to Jess’s incubator. “Has anyone showed you how to touch her?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You know you can’t hold her yet, right?”
Lily nodded.
She patted Lily’s shoulder. “I’ll be sure to keep an eye on Jess for you. I need to check my other babies now, but let me know when you want to go back to your room.” Tina pulled a chair close to Jess, helped Lily sit and then left them alone.
The urge to hold her daughter was overwhelming, but touching her would have to do for now, so she put her hand on Jess’s leg and began to talk. She told Jess about her other mom, her grandmas, her aunt and uncle through blood and her honorary aunts and uncles through love and friendship. She talked until her throat was raspy.
She sat back and closed her eyes to rest for a minute. A kiss on the forehead woke her. She opened her eyes and smiled at Robin standing over her. She was surprised to find herself reclining. It took a few seconds to remember where she was, and her eyes shot over to Jess who seemed to be sleeping, then back to Robin.
“She’s fine, Lily. The nurse, Tina, said your touch seemed to calm Jess so it was good you sat with her. She also told me you’ve been here since about four and when you fell asleep, she pushed the chair into the reclining position. Are you okay?”
“A little groggy. How did you sleep, Robin?”
“I missed you in bed.” She rubbed her eyes. “And I had weird dreams about babies.”
“I know.” She waved an arm indicating all the boxes. “It feels a little like being in a science fiction movie, doesn’t it?” She yawned. “What time is it?”
“Six. Come on, they want you back in your room to wash, eat, and pump. We’ll come back after breakfast.”
“Did my touch really calm her?” Her eyes filled with tears. “I’m not much good at this mothering thing. So far there’s only a few drops of milk when I pump. The nurses keep telling me it’s normal, but I feel like a failure.”
Robin helped her up and held her. “I noticed yesterday, so I asked Nicole about it and she said not to worry. It takes four or five days to get going. She said even a few drops are helpful for the baby. Try not to stress, Lily, that will make it harder.”
They spent most of the day with Jess, getting familiar with the workings of the NICU, touching and talking to their daughter. Robin had bought some children’s books so they read her stories. Robin talked about her life at Harvard and Stanford and Lily told stories from her childhood. In between, they walked the halls and hung out in Lily’s room. They talked to other mothers and fathers in the NICU during the day and again in the evening. One mother suggested Lily keep a journal describing her feelings and what was happening so she asked Robin to bring her a notebook and some colored pens and pencils.
The evening nurse reminded them about bringing small soft toys to put in the isolette so Robin went down to the gift shop and came back with a stuffed animal for each of them to sleep with, two journals, and a variety of pens and colored pencils. At ten that night, Lily sent Robin home, tucked the soft toy between her breasts, then went back to the NICU to sit beside Jess and tell her again about her family and friends. She chatted with another mother who said she’d read a suggestion to take a picture every day to record the baby’s progress visually, so she called Robin and asked her to bring her small camera in the morning.
Later she picked up one of the notebooks to begin recording Jess’s history so she’d know about her early life even though she wouldn’t remember it.
Day One
Your birthday, Jess, and your moms were thrilled to see you even though you showed up more than three months early. You were quite a sight at one pound three ounces.
Lily described their first day in the NICU in detail, wanting Jess to understand how happy they were to have her.
Day Two
At four a.m. this morning I got a nurse to bring me here, because I missed you and didn’t want you to be lonely.
My poor baby alone in the incubator hooked up to so many machines, I wanted so badly to hold you and comfort you but you are too fragile for that right now. So I had to be content with touching you through the portal of the incubator. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Dad (Robin) and I spent the day with you today, reading from the storybooks she bought for you and telling you about your family. We are so happy you are with us. We love you and pray you fight hard to grow and get strong.
Nicole released Lily from the hospital the next morning.
Day Three
Well, Jess, Mama Lily is no longer a patient in this hospital like you but dad (Robin) and I have decided to not leave you alone while you’re here, so we’ll be sleeping in a room near your incubator and one of us can be with you almost twenty-four hours every day to read to you and talk to you. The nurses promise we might be able to change your diaper soon.
Day Five
The noise in the NICU is enough to make a person crazy. And you babies have this little trick you play on parents and NICU staff. When one of your alarms goes off to signal a problem like a heart stop
ped, one at a time all your alarms go off until the entire room is filled with ringing alarms. That just enhances the terror your mamas face every single day that our Jess might not make it, that we’ll be the parents crying over you, dead before you even had a chance to live. Mamas become experts on all the medical conditions that might kill you and all the terrible things that can be wrong with you if you live. But we are hopeful because you are a fighter.
Day Nine
It’s just you and me babe. Mama Robin was unable to sleep in the hospital , so I insisted she go home about ten p.m. and come back at seven or eight in the morning to spend the day with us. I don’t know that she’s sleeping so well at home either, but it’s easier for her to be restless at home than in our small room here in hospital. She worries about you as I do. You haven’t had any serious problems this week and for that we’re thankful, but it is stressful sitting here watching you and trying to communicate with you while you mostly sleep. At least we think you’re sleeping, but your eyes aren’t open yet so we can only guess by your reaction to things. We touch you a lot and we think you smell us on your stuffed animals. We feel good because we think you react to our voices.
Day Eleven
The incessant noise, the banging and clanging and ringing and the crying of mothers whose babies have died, these things alone are enough to make a mother feel crazy. Add to it the constant fear that you won’t survive, Jess, and life in the NICU is excruciatingly stressful. Every day I wake up not knowing what to expect. A routine morning like this one changes quickly into a terror-filled day, filled with emergency surgery and blood transfusions.
Thank God Robin was with us this morning when the alarms on your incubator started ringing and suddenly there was blood all over everything. You looked like you’d been shot. I was screaming, Robin was calling for help. The nurse and other medical staff responded immediately and somehow your aunt Nicole was there in an instant. She rushed you into surgery and fixed the blood-vessel tumor, known as a hemangioma, which had exploded and caused you to lose 20% of your blood. When you returned to your incubator, you were pale and had extra IVs stuck in your tiny arms. I don’t know how they even find those minute veins. Auntie Nicole says not to worry, you are a fighter and you’ll get past this. Oh, God, I wish I could take your place my sweet baby. Love, Mama Lily.
Day Fifteen
You are doing well, your color is back and you have gained a little weight. I can’t wait for you to open your eyes so I can see if they are green like dad’s. I have a feeling you are going to be beautiful like her. You jerk and twitch a lot but other than that you don’t move much.
I must be getting used to this place because I barely notice the noise any more and it feels like home. Well, not quite, but I’m comfortable and I know all the wonderful nurses and they know me and I enjoy talking to you. I wonder if you’ll have any memory of any of this.
Day Twenty-Seven
You are doing well and continue to gain weight. You now have the loveliest eyebrows and eyelashes and occasionally blink and open your eyes but I don’t think you can focus yet. Alas it’s still too early to tell whether you have your dad’s eyes.
Happily your heart is good and your aunt Nicole says you are doing really well.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Robin’s Nightmares
Robin paced the living room. Another nightmare. They seemed to be coming more frequently. At first they were sporadic. Now the minute she dropped off to sleep, she slipped into a version of the same nightmare. And this evening in the NICU, an image from the nightmare flashed through her mind, and she’d staggered back, afraid of what she might do. Lily hadn’t noticed but had been her usual loving self and encouraged her to go home when she claimed to be tired.
Hoping to exhaust herself enough to sleep without dreaming, she’d walked the seven miles from the hospital. Well, that plan was a bust. She had fallen right to sleep, but the nightmare came, as usual, soon after. She shivered. Her T-shirt and pajama bottoms were soaked with sweat. A hot shower would relax her.
Under the steaming water, the image that had flashed in the NICU flashed again, taking her breath away. The debilitating fear she’d experienced in the NICU as she imagined herself picking up Jess hit her again and weakened her knees. She shivered, braced herself against the shower wall and sobbed. Her tears mixed with the water streaming over her. Twice in one day her nightmare images had come into her mind while she was awake. What if she acted on them?
Filled with fear and guilt, she dragged herself from the shower and dried off. A normal person wouldn’t have these terrible thoughts of hurting her child. And herself. Or was it Lily? It was hard to tell. She flushed with shame.
Maybe it was because Jess was still so small and the NICU was such a scary place. Maybe as she grew into a regular baby the dreams would stop. Maybe once they were home she would be able to relax and enjoy their child. But the impulse to follow through on that fantasy was so strong that she’d had to pull herself away from the isolette. For now, she didn’t trust herself and she would avoid the NICU.
Every night she considered confiding in Lily or Katie or Nicole. But the thought of seeing fear and loathing in their eyes scared her. If they saw her as the monster she was, she would lose everything and everybody that made her life worth living. She would kill herself before hurting Lily or Jess.
She collapsed on the bathroom floor, wrapped her arms around herself and rocked. Was she having a breakdown? She had no memory of her childhood. Had she done some terrible thing as a child? Had she been one of those child murderers? Was she crazy?
Chapter Thirty-Four
NICU
As the weeks passed, they maintained the same schedule. Robin going home at ten to sleep, then returning at seven in the morning with clean clothes for Lily. They would eat breakfast and lunch in the cafeteria except when Robin had something special sent in, but Robin insisted they go out for dinner each night. Twice during that time Robin convinced her to come home to sleep, but between waking up to pump and calling the NICU a couple of times during the night to check on Jess, she didn’t get any more rest than she did at the hospital. And neither did Robin. Whenever Lily opened her eyes, Robin was either awake in the living room reading or out for a walk, no matter the time. As they neared the end of their fifth week in the NICU, Robin looked exhausted and seemed jumpy and anxious. Whenever Lily asked, she got the same answer. “I’m worried about Jess and you.” She wondered if her not sleeping at home was making Robin nervous. “Would it be better if I came home to sleep every night?”
“No. I miss you, but I want you to stay with Jess.”
“You look like you haven’t slept in days.” She rubbed Robin’s arm. “Maybe you should go back to work. The noise in this place is enough to make anyone bonkers and just sitting around is not your strong suit. How about you work during the day, have dinner with me, hang out for an hour or two, then go home to sleep? No need for both of us to keep watch and I can call you immediately if there’s any change.”
“You’d be okay with that? I don’t want you to feel like I’m abandoning you…and her.”
Day Thirty-Seven
You’re getting bigger and stronger everyday my beautiful little girl. You are still small but you are starting to look like a baby.
We started skin-to-skin care today for the first time. Although we could only do it for a couple of minutes today, it is so wonderful to feel you on my chest, feel you breathe, have your perfect little hand with your perfect little nails grasp my finger. The joy of it is hard to describe. Grandma Del was here again today and Grandma Cordy will come tomorrow for her visit as usual. Soon your grandmas will be able to do skin-to-skin care with you and they are so excited. Keep up the good work sweetie.
Day Fifty-Six
You are moving and stretching more than jerking or twitching and they tell me it means your muscle tone is getting better. And you are starting to be more alert. In fact, we think you wake up and are attentive when you h
ear my voice.
Today was exciting because you turned when I touched your cheek. Auntie Nicole says they call this the rooting reflex and it might mean you’ll be ready to breast-feed soon.
Jess continued to do well, gaining weight, looking more like a human baby, responding to touch and sound. But the new schedule didn’t seem to make a difference for Robin. She continued to lose weight and the deep dark circles under her eyes telegraphed the fact that she wasn’t sleeping. Though Robin picked Lily up for dinner, she pled exhaustion to avoid coming up to the NICU. On the rare occasion she did visit the NICU, she refused skin-to-skin time, which had gone from less than a minute to hours at a time, and she rarely even looked at Jess. Robin insisted there would be plenty of time for her to get acquainted with Jess later, when she came home. Lily was seriously worried about her not bonding with their daughter. She called Katie and asked her to come to the hospital for lunch.
Katie came that same day. She spent a half hour in the NICU with Lily and Jess, and then they went out to lunch. After they ordered, Lily looked across the table. “I’m worried about Robin. She’s not eating, she’s not sleeping, she rarely comes to the NICU and when she does she avoids looking at Jess and refuses to hold or touch her. I thought it was because I wasn’t home with her, but on the nights I do sleep at home she’s withdrawn, has no interest in making love and either wakes up screaming from a nightmare or sits up all night watching TV. She won’t talk about what’s bothering her, and I’m scared to death I’m losing her.” She burst into tears.
Katie reached across the table for Lily’s hands. “Jan and I have noticed the changes, but we assumed she was spending a lot of time in the NICU and that the changes were due to the stress. She won’t talk to either of us about what’s bothering her. She’s rarely in the office a full day. Mostly she comes in for a few hours at night when no one but the support people are around. She does keep up with work, but she leaves notes for everyone and doesn’t answer her cell, even for me. If she’s not here with you, what do you suppose she’s doing?”
No One But You Page 19