No One But You

by Catherine Maiorisis

  “I was hoping she’d confided in you.”

  “Do you think she’s having an affair?”

  Lily shook her head. “Absolutely not. She’s suffering. She seems troubled. She wakes up screaming and crying, dripping in sweat. I’m afraid she’s having a breakdown of some sort. Do you know if there is any kind of mental illness in her family?”

  “She’s never mentioned it, but she knows very little about her family.”

  Lily pushed her lunch aside. “I’ve suggested she see a therapist to discuss what’s bothering her, but she says it’s nothing, she’s fine. She’s always been able to talk to you, Katie. Could you try to help her? Or at least get her into therapy.”

  Day Sixty-Six

  Aunt Katie came to visit today and she says you look wonderful. I agree. She’s carrying your cousin who is scheduled to be born in about four months. We talked about how nice it will be when you two can play together.

  Day Seventy-Two

  Our first day of breastfeeding, Jess. I hope it was as wonderful for you as it was for your mama Lily.

  Day Ninety-Eight

  One more ounce, my darling daughter, and you’ll be able to come home with me, away from the noise and the alarms and the hospital. I look forward to having you home with me and Dad so you two can get to know each other better.

  Because you are still small and have issues and we have to be careful that you don’t get sick, we’ll have a full-time nurse there with us, but at least all these machines and the incessant sound will be gone. Eat lots, my love.

  Day One Hundred Four

  Sleep well tonight. Tomorrow we go home. You made it, my brave, strong baby, and tomorrow we begin a new phase of your life and ours as the family we envisioned when we decided we wanted you. I can’t wait.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The Breakup

  What did it say about their relationship that they’d learned to yell? In whispers. As Robin made her escape, Lily listened to the soft click of the front door, followed by keys turning in the two locks, the rattle of the elevator doors sliding shut, then silence. No screaming, no tears, no dramatic slamming of doors.

  She regretted asking Robin to feed Jess, trying to force a connection that should be natural. She put down the bottle Robin had pushed into her hand before fleeing, unbuttoned her shirt and offered Jess her breast. As she rocked, Jess found her rhythm. The relationship was killing Robin. Well, not their relationship. Lily knew Robin loved her, cherished her even. It was her relationship with the baby or rather the lack of relationship.

  Jess had been home a month and Robin was still struggling. She wouldn’t look at the fragile baby, wouldn’t hold or even touch her and was being torn apart by her overwhelming guilt about it. Everything Lily loved about Robin—her playfulness, her spontaneity, her love of adventure and fun and laughter—was being squeezed out of her by the internal battle she was fighting. Occasionally at night in bed her sexy, loving, playful Robin was present, but most nights Lily was so exhausted she dropped off to sleep the minute she put her head down. Actually, Robin was rarely in bed, often spending the night in the office. Working, she said.

  The tears ran freely as she nursed, tears for what she knew was coming, for the loss of the love of her life. Robin wouldn’t ask her to choose, but she loved her too much to watch her suffer. Like a bird trapped in a glass house, Robin would only survive if she set her free.

  She changed Jess and put her in the crib, then climbed into bed where she finally succumbed to the sobs that had been threatening since Robin stormed out. She cried herself to sleep.

  * * *

  Robin strode out of the building, her face red with shame, barely able to hold back the sobs until she was alone on the walkway along the river. What a fucking coward. She couldn’t give up her Lily, but the nightmares and the images that constantly popped into her mind whenever she let her guard down petrified her. Was she going crazy? She wished she could talk to Katie. But if Katie saw her as the monster she was, she might lose her, and the loss of both Lily and Katie would surely kill her.

  If she stayed, she might harm their little girl, but even if she continued to control herself, Lily would be caught in the middle between her and the baby and would end up hating her. The thought of gentle, loving Lily hating her brought bile to her mouth. She couldn’t do that to Lily or herself. Besides, what kind of a mother could she be, unable to even look at, much less hold her daughter? Even selfish Robin DiLuca wouldn’t subject a child to live with that. She had to be the strong one and leave her soul mate and the baby—for their own safety.

  She turned and started walking with no destination in mind, just to keep moving, to give herself time to think it through, to gather her strength.

  * * *

  The digital clock read five-seventeen a.m. when Robin slipped into bed. Lily rolled over on top of her and kissed her. Robin’s cheeks were wet, her body convulsed as a sob escaped.

  Robin wrapped her arms around Lily. “I can’t do this, Lily,” she whispered, through her sobs. “I love you so much, but I feel like I’m dying.”

  “I know, sweetheart. Talk to me, please.” Her kiss ignited their passion, and they made love, first wild and desperate and later tender.

  In the morning, Robin dressed for work and came into the kitchen. Lily poured her a cup of coffee. Robin thanked her but couldn’t meet her eyes.

  Lily wrapped her arms around Robin from behind. “I’d like to understand. Can we talk about what’s wrong?”

  Swiping at her tears, Robin shook her head.

  Lily knew she was going to have to be the brave one. She turned Robin and pulled her into a tight embrace. “It’s all right, love. We’ll work it out tonight.” She kissed her temple.

  Robin’s arms tightened. “I love you.” She separated from Lily, took a deep breath and headed for the door. “See you later. I hope…” she glanced at the baby carrier on the table, “she’s okay today.” And she was gone again.

  Lily sighed. Robin couldn’t even say Jess’s name. Poor baby. We promised you two adoring moms and now you’re stuck with just me, an exhausted, about to be single, broken-hearted woman. She blew her nose, dabbed her tears, then grabbed a pen and a pad and sat at the table with her coffee to make a list.

  In the early afternoon, Robin texted Lily to tell her not to bother with dinner, she would pick up something.

  They sat in silence, their tear-filled eyes meeting over the table, neither eating much. Lily was having a hard time swallowing and pushed her plate aside. Robin moved behind Lily and put her arms around her. “You have to eat, hon, for you and for the baby. I can’t leave if I have to worry about you.”

  Lily leaned back. “I promise not to be a drama queen, but I’m really not hungry now.”

  Robin laughed, a beautiful sound Lily hadn’t heard for months. “Good. I’d hate to think you were going to compete with me for the drama queen role, my beauty.” She kissed the top of Lily’s head.

  “Flatterer. Stringy hair, dripping breasts and leftover baby fat a beauty do not make.”

  Robin sat again. Her eyes met Lily’s. “You always look beautiful to me.” Her voice broke. She looked down. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  Lily reached across the table and patted Robin’s hand. “Let’s talk.” She pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket and smoothed it on the table. “I made a list.” She cleared her throat.

  Robin put a hand up. “Let me start. I’ll continue to support you and, and, um, the baby. I’ll deposit money in our joint checking account every month, so you’ll only have to ask if anything unusual comes up.” She held Lily’s gaze. “This is one promise I can keep, and it’s not up for discussion.”

  Lily nodded. Their medical expenses were astronomical. Not that she doubted Robin would do anything different.

  “Second, you stay here in the Battery Park City apartment, with the nurse, the housekeeper, use of Tanya and the car and whatever else you need, and I’ll find another apart
ment. Third, no divorce.”

  “No divorce? I thought—”

  “I can’t promise I won’t sleep with anyone and I won’t ask you to promise either, but you’re my wife until you say different or I feel different. Okay?”

  Lily nodded through her tears. “I love you so much, Robin.” She kissed Robin’s palm.

  Robin sniffed. “Those are things I thought of. Even if I can’t be here, I want to take care of you.” She swiped at her tears. “What have you got?”

  Lily looked down at her list. “I’m comfortable caring for Jess myself now. But I’d like to have a nurse available some days or parts of days so I can focus on writing.”

  “You know whatever you want or need is fine with me. Arrange it with the service and include the cost in your estimated monthly expenses.”

  “Right. One of the benefits of being married to a billionaire.” Their long-running joke. She raised her eyes and smiled at Robin. “This apartment will be too big for just me and Jess. My tenants are leaving in two months, and I’d rather go back to my apartment on Central Park West. You can stay here.”

  Robin squeezed the bridge of her nose, thinking. “It’s too big for me too. I’ll move into a hotel while I look for something smaller and sell it after you move out.” She swiped at her eyes. “Anything else?”

  “Do you have the contract?”

  “You know I always carry it with me.”

  “Can I have it for a minute?”

  Robin opened her wallet, removed the creased paper and handed it to Lily, a questioning look on her face.

  Lily smoothed the paper. And read it. She picked up her pen and added a short sentence just above her signature.

  I, Lily Boudreaux Carlyle Alexander, promise that should Robin DiLuca and I decide at any time for any reason to terminate our relationship whatever it’s nature and no matter how long we’ve been together, I will let her go without screaming and crying and accusations and hurtful language. I also promise that I will cherish whatever time we do have together, strive to make it fun and mentally and physically fulfilling and that forever after I will remain her friend.

  No one but you, forever

  Lily

  Lily handed the contract back to Robin and she read aloud. “No one but you, forever.” She folded the paper and returned it to her wallet, then covered Lily’s hand. “Me, too, Lily. I promise I will work this out and come back to you.”

  Lily took a deep breath. “This is the hardest Robin, but I think we need to make a clean break, not see each other for at least a year, maybe more.”

  Robin gasped and pulled away.

  “It’s not punishment, Robin. I don’t think I could bear to be with you and then watch you walk out of my life again and again. I need to separate so I can get on with my life and Jess’s. If you want to see Jess on some kind of schedule we can ask the mamas to be the intermediary.”

  Robin jumped up and began to pace. “No, no. I can’t.”

  “You really don’t want to see your daughter?” She knew she was pushing it, but she wanted Robin to think about what she was losing by leaving.

  “You’re the one I have to see, Lily.”

  “It would be too painful for me.”

  Robin took Lily in her arms. “I’ll try to stay away.” She inhaled. Even mixed with the smell of baby powder and milky breasts, Lily’s fragrance was tantalizing. She looked at the baby in the carrier on the table, her daughter whether she liked it or not.

  Lily followed her gaze. “She’s your daughter, more than mine. Remember, you’re her dad.”

  “No, I don’t want to see her. That’s the point.” Robin broke down. “I’m so sorry, Lily, so sorry.”

  “Why?” Part of her wanted to comfort Robin, the other part wanted to smack her. “Please tell me why you can’t see her? She’s just an innocent baby. Is it because she might be impaired in some way?”

  “No. No. Not that. I just can’t. Someday you’ll understand.”

  “Why can’t you tell me now?”

  Robin shook her head. “Maybe when she’s older. Will you tell her about her dad?”

  “I don’t know, Robin.”

  “It’s not important. You’re who’s important to me.”

  “Apparently not so important that you’ll tell me what’s going on, why you’re abandoning us.” The anger in her voice shocked Lily, and Robin recoiled as if she’d struck her. She was trying to honor the contract she’d written the night they met, but she was hurt and scared. She took a breath. “Sorry. The last item on my list is telling people. I’d like for us to tell the mamas together, if that’s all right with you. And shouldn’t we do the same for our closest friends?”

  Robin looked miserable, but she nodded. “I agree. We owe it to the mamas. And our nearest and dearest friends.” She thought a moment. “Then maybe we could have a brunch and invite the rest of our friends, let them know too.”

  They began to put the plan in motion. The next day Lily spoke to her tenants and found they would be happy to get out of their lease a month early, so they put their apartment up for sale and Robin began to look for an apartment of her own.

  Three days later the mamas came over for dinner. They planned to wait until after they’d eaten to talk, but Lily and Robin were so nervous that Del handed the baby to Cordy, put an arm around each of them and asked gently. “What’s wrong?”

  Clinging to Del and each other, they cried. When they calmed down, Del led them into the living room. They clung together and collapsed on the sofa. Del and Cordy sat facing them.

  Robin looked at Lily, then at the mamas. “I’m leaving Lily.” A sob escaped. “I have…issues. But I hope to come back.”

  There was a stunned silence, then Cordy cleared her throat. “Is there someone else?”

  “No. I’m in love with Lily. There’s no one else.”

  Cordy turned her attention to Lily. “And you?”

  “No one else. I’m in love with Robin.” She kissed Robin’s temple.

  “Then why?”

  Robin wiped her eyes. “I can’t be with Lily and,” her eyes went to Jess snuggled in Cordy’s arms, “the baby right now. I have issues I need to work out.”

  “What issues? Can we help?”

  “I can’t talk about it.” She sniffed. “You can help by,” she broke down, “by not abandoning me. I need you both to love me even if you don’t understand.”

  Cordy stood and handed Jess to Lily, then pulled Robin up into her arms. Del wrapped her arms around Lily and Jess. As Robin sobbed, Cordy rubbed her back. “We love you like a daughter, so there’s no abandoning you. But I don’t understand why you need to separate while you work it out.”

  “It’s what we have to do, Mama. And we need the separation to be complete. So we’re asking you and all of our friends to not mention Robin to me or me or Jess to Robin. I know it’s hard to understand, but please trust it’s what we need.”

  Robin cleared her throat. “One more thing, when I visit, would you put away all pictures of us and the baby?”

  Cordy let go of Robin and stepped back. “I don’t like this at all, Robin. We trusted you. What happened to your promise to never do to Lily what Micki did? And whatever happened to your promise of commitment forever to Lily?”

  Cordy rarely got angry, so it was intimidating to watch her pace furiously, hands fisted at her side, her voice hard and loud.

  Robin swallowed. “I love Lily and I am committed to her forever. I just can’t be with her now.”

  Cordy stood face to face with Robin. “So what? Is she supposed to put her life on hold while you go off and do God knows what?” Her voice was getting louder.

  Lily stood with Jess in her arms and moved between them. “Please calm down, Mama. Robin and I have worked this out. Getting angry with her won’t change anything.”

  Cordy turned to Del. “I’m not very hungry. Let’s go.”

  “Just a minute, Cordy.” Del stood and wrapped her arms around Lily. “Do you want us
to stay, Lily?”

  “No, Mama, we’re good.”

  Del turned, hugged Robin, then kissed her forehead. She had tears in her eyes. “I wish I understood, but we’re here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

  Lily walked the mamas to the door, then sat next to Robin on the sofa. Robin swiped at her tears. “That went well. Or as well as could be expected, I guess.”

  “It’s a shock. I expected Del to blow up, not Cordy. But she loves and respects you and I think she must feel betrayed in a way.”

  They’d thought speaking to their closest friends would be easier than the mamas but, in some ways, it was harder.

  Katie burst into tears. “Talk to me, Rob. Let me help you through this. Don’t run away.” She sobbed. Michael put his arm around her.

  Emma leapt out of her chair and circled Robin, smacking her shoulder with every word. “Dammit, Robin, talk to us. How can you do this to Lily and Jess?” Her voice broke on a sob. “And us.”

  Jan sat in stunned silence, tears creating black streaks on her face.

  Annie held Lily’s hand. “I’m so sorry.” She said it so softly only Lily heard.

  “Is it Jess? It looks to me like she’s going to be fine, but we’ll…” Nichole indicated her soon-to-be wife Nora and the others in the room, “help you through whatever happens. Don’t do this, Rob.”

  White-faced, Robin stood stoically, letting them express the anger and the hurt. She didn’t speak until they had exhausted their pleas and huddled together dispiritedly. “I know it’s a shock. And I’m sorry I can’t explain it. I love Lily,” she looked at her friends, “and all of you, but I have to be alone for a while.”