Lily interviewed well. She’d shut down an interviewer trying to poke into their relationship with a statement. “As most of the world knows, we’re taking some space.” Then she’d brought the interviewer back to the novel. “Do you have any other questions about In a Lonely Place?”
“Taking some space.” True. But Robin wanted to know how Lily was feeling, whether she was thinking about her, about getting back together. Could she do that now that the nightmares had stopped? Was it safe for her to be around Jess? She had to be sure before she went back.
After walking an hour, she returned to the office and reread the reviews and the interviews. She was happy for Lily. This book was a big deal and Hollywood was bidding for the movie rights. She had to do something. Flowers were safe. She would send flowers. The number for their favorite florist on Seventy-second Street was in her phone and it was early enough in New York to call.
“A simple bouquet of colorful cut flowers. You know what we like. I’m out of the country so I’ll have to dictate the note I want you to enclose.”
I’m sorry this isn’t a personal note but I’m in Milan and I want to congratulate you on In a Lonely Place hitting number one on the New York Times Bestseller list. And on the great reviews. Thinking of you as always. No one but you.
Robin
After the woman read it back to her, Robin hung up. She hoped she’d done the right thing by contacting Lily. Though she hadn’t admitted it to herself, she also hoped that Lily would respond to the flowers. But after a week without a note, text or email, she knew she wouldn’t hear from her. She had, after all, asked for absolutely no contact for at least a year. But now she couldn’t get Lily out of her mind. She needed to do something. It was an advertisement in one of the gay newspapers that Jan sent that gave her the idea. She booked two weeks in a two-bedroom casita at the LezBeach Resort in Mexico and two first-class plane tickets and sent them with a note wishing Lily happy holidays.
The almost five months in Milan had dragged and sped by at the same time. As she settled into her first-class seat for the flight home, she was in better shape than when she left, both physically and emotionally. But now she felt anxious about being back in New York.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
LezBeach Resort
With some trepidation about traveling with a year-old infant, Lily packed up Jess and off they went to the beach resort. They had a fabulous time. Because she was so intellectually advanced, Jess was quickly upgraded from the infants group and got to run and play and terrorize the three-to-four-year-olds while Lily got some quality alone time to write or lie in the sun. She hired a sitter in the evenings and socialized with women she met on the beach or at the pool or the bar. She danced and laughed and chatted, met interesting and attractive women and even felt strong sexual vibes with one or two. But the few she kissed left her cold, and the thought of sex with any of them incited memories of Robin, her scent, her touch, her love, and she couldn’t.
When they got back, the first thing she did after settling in with Jess was call Hillary, her old therapist, to make an appointment. Later that night, she wrote a note thanking Robin for the vacation and telling her what a great time they’d had. She enclosed a picture of her and Jess on the beach but asked Jan, her go-between with Robin, to tear it up if Robin didn’t want to see it.
Two days later, while Jess was at nursery school, Lily stepped into Hillary’s familiar and comfortable office and settled into the chair facing her old therapist. The hum of the noise machine was comforting.
“It’s nice to see you, Lily.” Hillary’s voice conveyed caring and intimacy and confidence.
She’d been a little nervous about seeing her again, but she relaxed, realizing she’d made the right decision to talk about her feelings to a disinterested, no, to an objective person, who she felt cared about her but would not condemn Robin.
“It’s nice to see y’all too, though I wish I didn’t feel the need.”
Hillary smiled but didn’t respond. Lily knew it was up to her and though she’d thought about this discussion a lot since she’d decided she needed to talk to Hillary, she was flummoxed about starting. “I’m not sure where to begin.”
“The beginning?”
Lily chewed the cuticle of her thumb as she considered the beginning. “I sent you an announcement so y’all know Robin and I got married about three and a half years ago. But you might not be aware that a little over a year ago we had a baby, a girl, Jess, who was almost four months premature.”
“That must have been stressful.”
“Extremely. She was only one pound three ounces at birth so we spent over a hundred days in the neonatal intensive care unit.
“It sounds awful.”
“It was.” She took a deep breath. “Anyway, for the first couple of weeks we were with her twenty-four seven, taking turns sleeping in a room the hospital provided for us, but then I noticed the dark bags under Robin’s eyes and her air of exhaustion and I realized she was barely sleeping or eating. So thinking she might sleep better at home, I suggested she go home at night and return in the mornings. But it didn’t work. She lost weight and seemed on edge all the time, so I tried spending a few nights at home with her—”
“All this while worrying about Jess?”
“Yes. Robin was suffering and I wanted to help her. But my sleeping at home didn’t help because she barely slept. We’d get into bed together and I’d wake up an hour later and she’d be sitting in the living room staring out the window or I’d find a note that she’d gone out for a walk or, the worst thing, she’d wake up screaming and crying. She couldn’t or wouldn’t say what was wrong. All she’d say was she was worried about me and Jess. Finally, I suggested she go back to work and come to the hospital in the evening to have dinner with me, then hang out with Jess for a few hours.” She blew her nose and dried her eyes.
“And did she?”
She nodded. “But it didn’t really help because when she came to the NICU with me after dinner she wouldn’t look at Jess, didn’t want to touch her and refused skin-to-skin care. Feeling your baby on your chest is one of the most wonderful things you can imagine when you’ve only been able to touch her with your hand and I was devastated for the two of them. Then, she refused to come to the NICU at all. But even that didn’t seem to relieve the problem.”
“And this went on for how long?”
“Jess came home after one hundred and five days. I thought it would be better once we were all home together and could get into a family routine. But it was worse. She wouldn’t be alone with Jess and wouldn’t say her name or acknowledge her. I was hoping if she could get started, just hold Jess, she’d fall in love with her. So one night I handed her a bottle of milk I’d pumped and asked her to feed the baby. She couldn’t do it. She stormed out of the house in tears. I couldn’t bear to see her suffer, so the next morning I let her go.” Lily broke down.
Hillary let her cry until she grabbed a tissue from the box on the table next to her. “You said it’s a little more than a year. What brings you here now?”
Lily smiled. “You said start at the beginning.” She shifted her position in the chair, gazed out the window, then looked at Hillary. “My latest book made the bestseller list and Robin sent a gift to congratulate me, tickets for me and Jess to spend two weeks at the LezBeach resort in Mexico. We just got back the day before yesterday and we both had a great time. I thought enough time had passed, thought maybe I’d have a fling, you know not necessarily anything serious but put a toe in the water, have some fun.” Her eyes went to the window again.
“And did you? Have fun?”
Lily shrugged. “I did. But while I enjoyed dancing and flirting with the women I met and while I was attracted to a couple of them, as soon as things got sexual all I could think about was Robin.”
“Are you still in love with her?”
“Absolutely.”
“And she?”
“It was never about us not loving each o
ther.”
“What was it about then?”
“Robin never could articulate it, but I think it was her inability to deal with the possibility of Jess being less than perfect. But she knows absolutely nothing about Jess because she asked her friends never to mention her. And since I said I couldn’t tolerate seeing her if we split, she doesn’t come by the apartment so she hasn’t seen Jess since she left.”
“Is Jess your biological child?”
“No. Robin’s fertilized egg was implanted in me.”
“So you carried Robin’s baby, which I assume you both wanted.”
Lily nodded.
“And when she was born, Robin left you to deal with her alone in the NICU for more than three months?”
“Yes, but—”
“And in the middle of this high-stress situation with her child, you felt Robin needed you to take care of her?”
“Robin is my wife, and Jess is as much my child as Robin’s.”
Hillary held her hand up to keep Lily from defending Robin. “And when you finally left the high-stress situation, Robin abandoned you and her baby?”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“What do you feel for Robin now.”
“I love her. I miss her. That’s why I’m here.”
“And has she made any move to come back or to see her baby?”
“No.”
“Do you think you might be a little angry at her?”
Lily was confused. “Angry? No, of course not.”
Hillary stood. “Time is up. We’ll continue Thursday.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Robin Therapy
Without asking, Jan cut Jess out and gave Robin the picture of Lily. Robin had seen pictures of Lily in the newspapers as her novel lingered for months on the bestseller list, but seeing her in a bikini looking relaxed and happy and more beautiful than ever hit her hard and she sat at her desk and cried. She was still in love with Lily and couldn’t bear to think they’d never be together again. That afternoon, she called Olivia, the therapist Katie had recommended months ago, and scheduled to see her the next afternoon.
Robin was in a state of high anxiety as she sat in the waiting room. To her, needing therapy was a sign of weakness, and she’d never been able to admit she needed help from anyone except Katie and her other roommates. At one time or another during the past year, each of them had gently encouraged her to try therapy.
When the door to the inner office opened, Robin sprang up. The blondish, sixtyish woman waved her in. “Robin, I presume? I’m Olivia Cummings. Please sit.”
Robin assessed the situation. A couch and an easy chair facing what was obviously the therapist’s chair. She considered taking control and sitting in Olivia’s chair but then took the easy chair.
“Well, Robin, I’m glad I don’t have to fight you for my chair.”
She flushed. “Busted.”
They laughed, and Robin decided she might like Dr. Cummings, but she couldn’t keep herself from fidgeting.
“Tell me a little about yourself, Dr. DiLuca.”
“If you know I have a PhD, then you already know something about me, Dr. Cummings. By the way, I prefer Robin.”
“And I prefer Olivia, unless it makes you feel more secure to call me doctor.” She smiled.
Yes, Robin definitely liked this woman. She seemed warm and welcoming. “Olivia it is.” She thought for a second. “You may know then that I’m the Chief Executive Officer of a technology company and you may have seen my picture in the gossip pages at events sponsored by my company.”
Olivia nodded. “Is this your first time in therapy?”
“Yes. I’ve always felt it was…a weakness to need help from a professional.”
“So what brings you here now?”
“I have issues with my child that are keeping me from my wife.” Robin shifted uneasily in her chair; her gaze flew to the windows as the color crept up.
Olivia waited, but Robin didn’t know where to go from here. How to say it? She cleared her throat and shifted again, glancing at Olivia.
“Ordinarily I wouldn’t intervene with questions. I would wait for you to tell me what’s on your mind, but since today is your first session and your first time in therapy, I’m going to help you a bit. After today you are in charge of what we talk about in each session. Do you understand, Robin?”
“Yes. It’s just hard to know where to begin. And please don’t tell me to begin at the beginning because I don’t know where the beginning is.”
“I find how you framed the issue interesting. Are you living together and having problems because of your child, or are you separated and the child is keeping you apart? Tell me about your marriage. What is your wife’s name?”
“Lily. We’ve been married about three and a half years. Our daughter, Jess, is just over a year old. We’ve been living apart since she was a month or so old. I left because of Jess.” Waves of shame and guilt and sadness washed over her. She started to stand, then fought the need to run and sat, her eyes on the window again.
Olivia was silent, but Robin was aware she was observing her. “What are you feeling right now?”
Robin shrugged.
“Can you elaborate?”
Robin shook her head.
“I see. Perhaps you could talk about why, if this has been going on over a year, you came in today?”
Robin nodded. “Lily had a book on the best seller list for two months so I sent her a gift—two weeks at an all-inclusive lesbian resort plus airline tickets for her and Jess. When she got back this week, she sent a thank-you note and enclosed a picture of…her on the beach. Seeing the photo threw me, made me realize how much I miss her, how much I love her. And I want to fix things between us. Katie had given me your number when this first happened, but I wasn’t ready until yesterday to call.”
Olivia considered what Robin said. “So you and Lily are in regular contact and you send her gifts and she takes them and sends you notes, but something about Jess is keeping you apart? Am I close?”
“No. Lily and I are not in contact. When I left, she said it would be easier for her to not see me than to have to watch me leave time and time again. I called her twice in the beginning, but she asked me to stop. When I saw her picture in the paper after the success of her book, I was proud and happy for her and I wanted to do something for her, so I sent flowers and later the tickets with a note. It appears she decided to accept the gift.”
Olivia scratched her head and smiled. “I noticed you hesitated when you said Lily had enclosed a picture. Was it just her or was Jess in it?”
The flush was back. “Um, I think Jess was in it, but Jan, my assistant, cut her out and just gave me Lily.”
“Why would your assistant decide that you shouldn’t see your daughter’s picture?”
“Because when I left Lily and Jess, I told all our friends and family, and Jan is both, that I didn’t want to hear about Jess or see her.” Her eyes bounced around the room, then settled on Olivia.
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “I see. Or at least I think I’m getting clearer.” She smiled. “One or two more questions, then we’ll stop. How do you feel about our session today?”
“I don’t have anything to compare it to.”
“Does that mean you don’t have any feelings about it? Was it hard, or easy? Did you hate it? Do you hate me or do you think we can work together?”
“I feel scared. I don’t want to talk about the things I came to talk about, but I feel comfortable with you and I think we can work together. I’d like to.”
Olivia stood. “All right, then. I’ll see you again tomorrow, then Friday, and next week we’ll go to Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Is that still what you want?”
Robin stood and looked down at her. “Yes. I’ll see you tomorrow, same time.”
Chapter Forty
Lily Therapy
Lily was disturbed and maybe a little angry when she sat in the chair in Hillary’s office. Hillary
smiled.
“I am pissed, Hillary. I didn’t like what y’all said about Robin. I came to talk to y’all cause I thought you could be objective. Instead y’all attacked Robin for no reason.”
“So you’re angry at me but not at Robin?”
“Yes.”
“So if you don’t want to talk about your anger with Robin, what do you want to talk about?”
“There you go again. I’m not angry with Robin. I want to talk about why I can’t have sex with other women, why I can’t forget about Robin.”
“Why do you think?”
She shrugged. “Maybe because I’m in love with her? But don’t you think I should be able to have casual sex with other women?”
“Do you think that?”
“I do. But I can’t and that’s what I need you to help me with.”
“It’s not going to be fast. But let’s go back to the beginning. Talk to me about Robin, what’s so special about her that you still love her after all…after all this time. We have a lot to do, so get started, Lily.”
Chapter Forty-One
Robin Therapy 2
As Robin took her seat for her third session, she grinned. “Okay, Olivia. I get it. My last session was a bust, and I will never again waste fifty minutes sitting in silence staring at you.” She took a breath. “Katie says I should talk about my family. I don’t—”
“What do you want to talk about, Robin?”
Three weeks later, they settled in facing each other, and Robin began to talk about something that happened when she was in graduate school in Stanford. After about twenty minutes, Olivia leaned forward. “How many sessions have we had, Robin?”
She thought for a minute. “This is the twelfth.”
Olivia nodded. “How do you feel about where we are?”
“Okay, I think. I’ve told you a lot about myself and my friends and—”
“You’ve covered a lot of ground, it’s true, but when I ask about your feelings you talk in generalities and if I ask about your family, you skitter away. You are a beautiful, brilliant and successful woman, Robin, and an interesting conversationalist. Now, there are therapists who would be happy to sit and listen to you chat about your life, but I’m not one of them. My goal is to help you to work through the issues that you feel are problems, that keep you from living a happy, fulfilled and productive life.”
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