“The night we met and you brought up us having babies, I had a violent nightmare about killing babies. From time to time after we discussed having a baby, I’d have a similar nightmare, though usually I didn’t remember the details. But sometime after Jess was born, the nightmares became more and more frequent and more specific. I saw myself grabbing her feet and smashing her against the wall or a table, killing her, then shooting me or shooting you.
“As time went on, the nightmares came when I was awake—at first just in the NICU, then I’d be walking or eating or whatever and the images would flash in my mind. I was having flashbacks, but I didn’t know that’s what they were. I thought I was fantasizing about killing her and you. I thought if I didn’t see her in the NICU, I would be okay. But the nightmares and the daytime images didn’t stop. So when she came home, I was petrified I was going to hurt her. It’s ironic that super-verbal me was unable to put what was going on into words. I just knew I had to go away before I hurt her. And one of us.”
“Oh, sweet Robin, I had no idea. How horrible for you to go through that all alone.” Lily rubbed the nape of Robin’s neck, soothing her. “When did you go into therapy?”
“Not soon enough. A couple of months after I left you, when I was in Milan, the fantasies and nightmares became sporadic and then stopped. Then last year when you sent the picture from here, Jan cut Jess out and gave me the part with you. I wanted so badly to come home to you. I cried all that day. Then I called the therapist Katie had been encouraging me to see since we separated. I started the next afternoon.”
“So you worked it through?”
“It took a month of seeing her three times a week before I was able to tell Olivia about the dreams and daytime images. After another couple of months, Olivia felt sure these thoughts didn’t just come from nowhere and she suggested I find my family. Once I talked to Ted, I realized it was a memory, not a fantasy, and I stopped dreaming about it.
“The other thing Olivia had me do was volunteer on the children’s ward at the hospital. Eventually Nicole got me in as a volunteer to work with families of premature babies—and, of course, with the babies. I’ve spent a great deal of time with children of all ages, many of them dealing with the problems I thought Jess might have. I learned that I love kids, healthy and not so healthy, so-called normal and afflicted. I wanted to be sure that I wanted to be with her and not just you. And I do.”
“Oh, Robin. If only I’d known maybe we could have stayed together.”
“If I’ve learned anything in therapy, and I learned a lot, it’s that the past is the past and you can only change the future. You’ll see when you read the letter I sent, which says that I was prepared, no, anxious, to come back to you both, no matter Jess’s condition. I hope you’ll take me back.”
Lily leaned in and kissed Robin. “More than anything I want you back in our lives, but you’re going to have to deal with my anger before we can get into bed together.”
“I’ll wait until the end of time, Lily.”
They kissed. And kissed. And kissed. Finally, Robin spoke. She was breathless. “Isn’t this where we started?”
Lily pulled back to look into her eyes. “Got a problem with that, big girl?”
Robin smiled. “No. No problem. None whatsoever.”
They lay on the chaise on the patio, Robin holding Lily, neither speaking, both enjoying the contact. “How was it seeing your brothers after all these years?”
“It was wonderful. Paul has spent years struggling with what our mom did, but he’s starting to get past it. He’s dating someone who seems nice, but I gather he has a problem with commitment. Sound familiar? Ted is a psychiatrist. His wife, Ellen, is warm and smart and lovely. She teaches elementary school. I think you’ll like her a lot. And I have two nieces and a nephew. The oldest girl, Sara, is thirteen. The youngest, Victoria, is seven. They both look like Jess and me. Teddie, the boy, is ten and looks like Ted. The kids made me a photo album so I’ll be able to show you family pictures when we get back.”
“Wow. Jess is going to be ecstatic that she has more cousins.”
“In fact, the three of them are exceptional too. Ted and Ellen have been struggling financially to give them the kind of schooling they need, so I set up a fund for their education.”
Lily turned and kissed Robin. “Why am I not surprised.”
“It was great getting to know them and hearing stories about our family. I brought them all to New York for Christmas and we had a wonderful time. They’re anxious to meet you and Jess. Maybe we’ll take a trip to Florida or we’ll bring them to New York again, once we’re settled, so you can all get to know each other.”
Chapter Fifty-Three
Getting Together
They fell into an easy rhythm, Robin taking Jess to day camp in the morning, then working or reading on the patio while Lily worked on her computer inside. Afternoons Robin picked up Jess and the three of them had lunch at the casita, then a nap for Jess and camp again for a few hours while Robin and Lily went back to work.
Jess loved for the three of them to be around the other children and their families, so some nights they went to family dinner in the dining room instead of eating on the patio. Afterward, they walked on the beach or watched a movie until Jess got sleepy.
With only two days remaining before their flight home, Robin worried that Lily would want them to go to their separate apartments. They had talked a lot about things, and Robin had stoically endured Lily’s angry attacks. They were usually sniper attacks that seemed to come out of nowhere. It hurt, but of course she deserved it, and she worked to avoid getting defensive as she encouraged Lily to talk about the hurt behind the anger. She was in limbo. But afraid of receiving a negative answer, she didn’t ask.
Walking to pick up Jess for dinner, she decided she was being a coward, and jogging back with Jess on her shoulders, she resolved to ask tonight once Jess was asleep.
After dinner in the family dining room, they walked on the beach, each of them holding Jess’s hand, swinging her, singing the songs she loved to sing and, of course, chasing her and tossing her in the air. Feeling morose about not knowing how long they would be together as a family, Robin asked if she could bathe Jess when they got back to the casita. Lily eyed her but, as usual, agreed. True to her word she was giving Robin the time she needed to bond with her daughter.
* * *
Lily felt Robin’s anxiety but was experiencing anxiety of her own. Did she or didn’t she want Robin to move in with her? Although she understood why Robin felt she had to leave, she couldn’t help feeling angry that maybe, just maybe, if Robin had trusted her enough to express her fears, they could have worked through them together or at least spent less time apart. She knew she would break if Robin walked out again. She could hear them giggling and splashing in the bathroom and couldn’t keep from smiling. Could she deprive Jess of this, of more precious time with her dad? She loved seeing them together and they clearly loved being together. And she loved Robin, was in love with her still and loved being with her and Jess, being the family they were meant to be. Hillary helped her see there were no guarantees. She didn’t doubt Robin’s love for her or her love for Jess. She just—
It was awfully quiet in there. She listened. They were having a serious conversation. She walked down the hall and stood outside the bathroom, eavesdropping.
“Do you know Grandmama Cordy and Grandmama Del?”
“Yes.”
“And Aunt Katie and Uncle Michael and Aunt Annie and Aunt Emma and Aunt—”
“I know them all, Jess, all of your aunts.”
“Where did you go?”
Robin didn’t answer.
“Where did you go, Dad?”
Robin coughed. “I heard you, sweet cheeks, I…I’m trying to remember.”
“I missed you, Dad. Did you miss me?”
“I missed you so much it hurt.”
“So why didn’t you come? I didn’t see you. Or did I forget?”
/> “No, my beautiful girl, you didn’t forget. You didn’t see me.”
“Why?”
Lily listened, at war with herself. Part of her wanted to step in and save Robin. The other, angry part wanted her to have to deal with the hurt she’d done to her daughter. She remained still.
“I was lost, Jess, and far away, so far that I couldn’t find the path back to you and Mommy. I was sad all the time I was away. And I was all alone because I didn’t know how to ask for help to find the path. But I worked hard to find the way back, Jess, and now I’m here with you and Mommy.”
“I need you, Dad. Promise you’ll never go away again.”
“I’ll always be sorry that I missed a part of your life, sweet cheeks but, cross my heart,” her voice cracked and Lily could hear her struggle, “I promise I will never ever leave you again. Come here, will you forgive me and give me a hug?”
There was a splash, then Jess giggled. “Uh-oh, you’re being bad, getting your clothes wet, Dad.”
“I love you, my beautiful girl.”
“I love you too, Dad. I’m glad I found you.”
“I’m glad you found me too. Come, time for pjs.”
“Will you live with me when we go home?”
“I promise I will see you every day. Mom and I have to figure out the rest.”
When she heard the swoosh of the water as Robin lifted Jess out, Lily went back to the living room.
Later that evening, after Jess was asleep, Robin brought Lily a glass of wine and sat next to her on the sofa. Lily expected her to talk about the conversation with Jess that she’d overheard, so she was surprised when Robin broached their leaving. “Have you given any thought to our living arrangements when we get back? I feel like I’m dangling in the wind.”
“Like you left me dangling for two plus years?”
“I imagine what you felt was a lot more painful, but yes, like that.”
As usual, Lily regretted what she’d said as soon as it popped out. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Robin stopped her with a finger on her lips. “Don’t apologize, Lily. You feel what you feel and if you hold it in, it will only fester. I’m not the Robin who needed to run at the first sign of conflict. I’m a big girl now. I can take it.”
Lily nodded and sipped her wine. They sat in silence for a while, then Lily stood. “I’m going to bed. Can we talk about this tomorrow after Jess goes to camp?”
“Sure. But before you go to bed, I want to give you something.” She stood and removed her wallet from her pocket, then handed Lily the contract she’d written the first night they met. “I won’t be needing this anymore because I will never leave you again, whether we get back together or not. I know for sure that there is no one but you for me. And though I don’t think I will ever try to leave you and Jess again, if by some fluke I do, I hope you scream and yell and cry and throw yourself in my path. And get our family and friends to do the same.”
Lily looked at the creased contract, and tears filled her eyes. “Good night, Robin.”
Chapter Fifty-Four
No One But You
Robin checked the clock. Three thirty. Three more hours until Jess pounced on her, four to five hours before she and Lily had a chance to sit and talk privately. One thing was clear in her mind. Whatever Lily decided tomorrow morning, she was not giving up. She would fight for Lily and Jess. She heard a noise, listened carefully to confirm that Jess wasn’t sneaking around in the middle of the night. But all was quiet from her room. Must be someone returning from a late night walk on the beach.
Tonight’s bathtub conversation with Jess had been very painful—hearing her struggle to understand why her dad hadn’t been there for her, knowing how much she’d hurt her by not being in her life, wanting to throw herself down to beg her forgiveness but knowing she was too young to understand. She’d kept a diary after leaving them. Maybe one day when Jess was an adult, she’d let her read it. Perhaps it would help her understand that her leaving was her stupid ass way of protecting her. She would do everything in her power from now on to make Lily and Jess feel secure in her love. She hoped Lily understood the commitment she was making to them by giving her back the get-out-of-jail contract she’d written that magical night they’d met.
There it was again. Someone was moving around in the living room or the kitchen. She was about to get up and check on Jess when the door to her bedroom opened. The figure in the dim light of the doorway could only be Lily. She held her breath.
“Robin?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Can I get into bed with you?”
“Yes.” She spoke softly. “Are you all right?”
Lily slipped under the sheet and lay on her side facing Robin, her hand on Robin’s chest. “I…yes, more than. Is this okay?”
“Christ, Lily, you should know you’re always welcome in my bed. I…um—”
Lily kissed her, a deep probing kiss, then pulled away. “Let me talk. You just listen.”
“There’s no one but you for me either. I love you as much as I did the day we married, maybe even more seeing you with Jess. I can’t deny the anger is deep and I can’t say it won’t continue to pop out without warning, but I appreciate your willingness to deal with it, your willingness to acknowledge that I have a right to be angry. I hope one day it will dissipate and disappear.” She took a deep breath.
“I overheard. No, actually, I eavesdropped on your conversation with Jess tonight. I’m sorry for being so sneaky, but I was proud of the way you didn’t lie to her or flinch from the truth about not being there. Right now, she doesn’t really understand it, I think, but there will be more questions, and I respect that you’re willing to try to explain it in terms she can understand. I’m sure that won’t change. She has known you for less than two weeks and she loves you and is connected to you. I attribute that to you and your wholehearted plunge into her life and her reality. I can see how much you love her.”
A lump formed in Robin’s chest. “More than I ever imagined.”
“Shh.” Lily put her fingers over Robin’s lips. “I’ve been wrestling with the question of us living together again almost since Jess found you and brought you home to me. Something about wanting her dad and then going out and finding her touches me profoundly. She is such an extraordinary child, determined and brave and sweet and kind, not to mention brilliant. Like her dad. She needs you in her life.”
She kissed Robin again, lingering longer this time. “Every time I thought I was ready to ask you to move back in, I got angry and pulled back. With Hillary’s help, I realized it was because I felt I couldn’t trust you, couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t leave us again, even though I understand your fears and your memories. But tonight I realized that a lot of my anger was because you didn’t trust me. I know you were terrified you would hurt Jess, but if you’d told me, perhaps I could have helped you deal with it, perhaps we could have dealt with it the way couples do. Instead you cut me out, abandoned me and Jess and ran. It’s that running I’ve been afraid of, I think.”
Robin tried to sit up, but Lily pushed her down. “Just listen, please. Hearing you promise Jess that you would never leave her again, your willingness to tear up the contract we made, your saying that if ever you tried to run, I should scream and cry and throw myself on you to stop you, eased that fear for me. I want us to live together as a family. I want us to be a family. Please move in with me and Jess.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Please make love to me now.”
Robin sucked in air. “You mean it. You’ll take me back?”
“Jess needs her dad. And I need my Robin.”
Robin pulled Lily on top of her. “Let the kissing begin.”
They jumped apart as thunder crashed overhead, followed by lightning, then smiled and went back to kissing.
“Mommy, I’m afraid.” Jess’s cry parted them again.
Robin smiled tentatively. “Is it all right if I go?”
“Go, Dad.” In between claps of t
hunder, Lily could hear the murmur of their voices, Jess questioning, Robin comforting. After a few minutes she got up to get a bottle of water, then peered into Jess’s room to see what was happening. Her heart expanded at the sight of Robin seated on the bed with Jess in her arms explaining about thunder and lightening, answering Jess’s questions. As Jess’s voice became sleepier, Lily went back to bed to wait for Robin.
Robin woke her with kisses. “I believe we were starting something. Are you up to continuing or do you want a rain check?”
“That was a horrible pun. No rain check for me. I want what I want right now. Get naked.” Lily pulled her tank top over her head and slipped her shorts down as Robin did the same, then tumbled Lily onto her back, covered her with her body, and buried her face in Lily’s hair. She inhaled. “Oh, God, I’ve missed you Lily.”
Accompanied by thunder and lightening, their lovemaking was gentle and sweet and intense, like the first time.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Three Years Later
Lily lounged by the pool at the small but exclusive lesbian resort that Robin, Katie and Jan had purchased as an investment. This year they’d blacked out the first two weeks of February for their personal use; only their guests were allowed at the resort. It was easier that way because their families included men.
She smiled, watching Robin in the pool with all the little children. Jess, who was leading the others to attack her dad, hooted with joy every time Robin tossed her into the deep end of the pool. The younger ones screamed happily as Robin gently deposited them on their feet in the low end. Every once in a while, Robin glanced over and locked eyes with her. Those eyes, that connection, still did things to her that no married mother of two, soon to be four, had a right to feel. But lucky her, she never failed to experience the surge of warmth and the tingling in the groin.
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