by Farrah Paige
Chapter 5
Dag
The damn KDLM Corporation messed up our investment. Nothing is certain in business, but when a broker won’t return your calls––you know it’s bad. I was annoyed, drunk and about to be broke. Again.
“We should get back at them somehow,” I said, with the Leo and the McCool brothers gathered around. “A lawsuit. That would be good.”
“No money for lawyers,” said Rogan. “You can’t sue a company like that without a legal team. Not a lawyer, but a whole team of them.”
“You could,” said Logan.
“No, you can’t,” assured Rogan.
“I’d like to mount a hostile takeover of their entire company,” suggested Leo. “That would show them!”
“Well, obviously, we can’t do that,” said Aiden. “The capital to fund something like that would be enormous and we’re stealing drinks in a bar.”
“What if we hired hackers to attack the corporate network,” suggested Liam. “Then hold it hostage until they paid for their crimes?”
“That would lead a trail straight to us,” said Aiden. “What’s your other suggestion? Rob a bank in broad daylight with no masks on?”
“I like the hacker suggestion a little better,” I added. “The problem is, I do not think you know how computers work, Liam. Anything that can be hacked can be unhacked. You could hold it hostage for a while, but eventually…”
“I’m sure I know how computers work,” said Liam. “I’m an artist. I know things.”
“You’re all terribly drunk and have terrible ideas,” I concluded. “Besides, we do not have the time. A hustle like that would take––it would be like the movie Ocean’s 11 level of planning.”
“So that’s what we do. Rob a casino!” said Aiden happily. “Nah, I’m just kidding. But if we did, that would be fun.”
“I would just be happy to fly to their corporate offices and take a piss in their lobby,” said Logan. “That would be hilarious.”
The group laughed. I had to admit, it was a great idea.
“Now that I could do,” said Rogan. “If we had money for plane tickets, which we do not.”
Rogan nearly slid off his bar stool, but Aiden propped him back up. Rogan put his head down on the bar top on his folded arms. He was just about out for the evening.
There was some more discussion about how to get revenge on KDLM, but we all knew it would never happen. We had gambled in the big market and lost. There were guys far above us that played this game and rigged the markets in their favor. Saps like us were bound to lose unless we were in that club.
The question of the future loomed large. For myself, I had a plan, but it was not a great one. There was an older woman––and when I say older, I mean 85––who I flirted with online using a dating app. She was nice at least. It was clear she would take me as her boy toy. I could live the life then, but only by her side.
Obviously, I started working the angles in my head, but she had them all worked out. When I had made noise about wanting to do it, she sent me a pdf contract. After looking it over, I realized that this woman would not be played. She demanded regular inspections of my living quarters and she’d have control of a joint bank account where my allowance would go.
There was an upside in that, there was a payout if she died. Unfortunately, the payout was based on how much time I spent with her and I would literally have to stay until she died. I would be trapped. I wouldn’t even be able to invest my earnings.
I did the math several times. Unless I got lucky and she passed from natural causes early, I was looking at seven years minimum based on her family history. And if I got unlucky, it might be fifteen years or more. The thought of taking the deal depressed me, but it was looking pretty dark in that bar.
“What are you thinking about?” asked Leo me in German. “You suddenly got very quiet.”
“Nothing,” I replied. “I’m just mad this investment didn’t work.”
“Hey, buddy,” said Leo, using American English again. “That is life. You take chances. We took a chance and it didn’t work. So what? There will be other opportunities. No one can know what will happen.”
Leo belched in my face, but continued his pep talk. He smelled like mint schnapps and coconut shrimp. We had eaten about seven orders between everyone in the group.
“You did a great thing,” said Leo. “You brought us all together. We have friends. That is the most important thing. Money is just money, you know? We will get more of it. We’ll bounce back from this, as we always have.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” I agreed, not really believing it. “At least we had tonight paid for, huh?”
“You guys really going to stiff this place?” asked Aiden.
“Nah,” I assured him. “The owner said he’d cover it. That’s why we invited you. It’s totally free.”
“Why didn’t you just tell us that?” asked Aiden.
“I thought you would drink less if I didn’t,” I laughed.
“You don’t know me and my brothers if you thought that,” quipped Aiden.
Suddenly, the bartender was standing in front of us. He started out super friendly, but as the night wore on, I could tell he was getting sick of us. He had perked up unexpectedly. I just assumed he was looking for a big tip. Setting a bill in front of me, he took some of the empty glasses away.
“We’re closing up soon,” he informed me. “Here’s your bill.”
“Bill?” I said mildly surprised. “You talked to your boss, right?”
“Yeah,” he said with a superior grin. “And he only authorized free drinks for you two. Not the half of Ireland you invited over here.”
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?!” snapped Liam. “You got a problem with Irish people?”
“Only the ones that don’t pay their bill,” said the bartender. “Pay it before you leave or I’m calling the cops.”
The bartender walked away, I assume to ruin someone else’s night. We were fucked. There was no way we could pay this bar tab. I huddled with the guys.
“Does anyone have any money?” I asked.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” said Liam. “You said we didn’t need any!”
“I say we fight our way out,” suggested Logan.
“Oh, yeah,” said Aiden sarcastically. “An assault charge could really be the topper to my week.”
“What about credit cards?” suggested Dag. “Anyone?”
“Wait a minute,” remembered Aiden. “You still have the business card from the corporation we formed to buy all that stock. Is that still good?”
“I assumed they would cancel it, but let me check,” I said, going to my phone.
“Well, the easiest way,” suggested Aiden. “Just try and pay the bill with it and see what happens.”
I gave my card to the bartender and he moved to process it. It was clear that if this didn’t work, we were fucked. Rogan and Aiden were already rolling up their sleeves, resolved to washing dishes. I reminded them that working it off in the kitchen would probably take the next two months, but they were too drunk to process that.
Suddenly, the bartender came back. We were all looking at him expectantly.
“Thank you, sir,” he said. “Just sign here. The tip was included.”
I signed and got the card back.
“Have a good evening, gentlemen,” smiled the bartender.
“Heilige Scheisse! It worked!” said Leo.
“Watch your language, Leopold,” I joked. “What is the credit limit on this thing?”
Calling the 800 number, the robot recording informed me the card had a credit limit of $75,000. The guys cheered.
“You know,” I said thinking about it. “We could do something with the credit limit. I mean, our corporation is bound to be broke in a matter of days.”
Chapter 6
Leo
I am not quite sure how it happened, but the next thing we knew, we were on the way to the airport. Logan’s strange idea of pis
sing in the lobby of the KDLM world headquarters had won the day. Using the business card, Dag booked us first class accommodations and we headed to the airport.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure of the plan after that. There was a sense of, if we’re going to jail, it’s probably better in Germany. I mean, it definitely would be for me and Dag, but I’m not sure about the brothers. Do they even throw people in debtor’s prison anymore?
Then a terrible thought occurred to me. What if the authorities tracked back and found out about all the other stuff we did? We’d probably be extradited to New York. I mean, it wouldn’t be debtor’s prison, we’d be arrested for grand larceny. We had stolen some pretty high-end hotel rooms and food during our hustling.
When you hustle, it’s not just about the money. Anyone can steal some money. And if you’re one of these bleary-eyed criminals that try and do it for a living––sure, you’ll eventually get caught. But that’s not how guys like us get caught. We’re gamblers and each hustle is a gamble. It either pays off or you’re running down an alley for your life.
The investment had been the biggest of our gambling scenarios. Admittedly, we had scammed the brothers a little bit. They had contributed more to the investment fund than we did. They would be pretty mad if they ever found out. I was actually more worried about that getting discovered than anything else.
But guys like us get caught because it’s an adrenaline rush. We’re not doing it for the money…mostly. We’re doing it because it’s fun and it’s a rush. It’s that rush that’s addicting. Like heroin. Getting one over on a company or corporation––it’s just the best.
Dagobert and I never liked to scam people. Sure, we had scammed our share of individuals, but they deserved it. They were angry, racist, ruthless, arrogant people. One conversation and you could just tell, they deserved to be taken down a peg. Someone who was genuine and kind, we’d walk away. One time, Dag was in the middle of scamming this widow from the Bronx and when he found out how broke she really was, we turned the game around and raised $5K for her so she could get a new heater for the winter.
I wished we did more things like that, but one must have money to give it away.
The thing that bothered me about the Berlin trip was that it wasn’t a scam at all. It just seemed like revenge and worse––it was revenge that wasn’t going to make us a dime.
At La Guardia, we staggered out of the Uber and into the Admiral’s Club. Our flight was going to arrive in Berlin at 5:55am at Tegal Airport. Naturally, we started drinking in the club. It was full of rich travelers, so we set about getting to know them. It never hurts to network with potential marks. You never know when one of them will present an opportunity to let you part them from their money.
Unfortunately, if there were any opportunities in the club or in the plane, we were all too shitfaced to know. Things get swimmy from this point on. I remember Rogan throwing up in a potted plant in the lounge. That seemed to make him feel better, but it pissed off the staff. I mean, hey, at least he threw up in the plant and not the floor, right?
All six of us managed to board the plane for Germany, Deutchland, home land of Dag and myself. Fortunately for us, on the plane there was a group of women that were even more drunk than we were. They were doing some kind of drinking game and we were basically fighting them for the booze on the whole ride over.
Not literally, but trying to drink it all before they got to it. They were in economy, so we “won” the fight, but after drinking all that schnapps it was a really bad idea to drink wine.
Aiden went first. He rushed to the bathroom and we could hear him hurling into the toilet. I was right behind him. The second he got out, I went in. All six of us were rushing in and out of the two front toilets, throwing our guts up. The rest of the first-class passengers gave us dirty looks, but hey, we didn’t throw up in their laps, right? So that’s something.
I don’t know how we did it, but we managed to polish off a great deal of wine. I tried to sneak half of a bottle into my carry on, but the stewardess caught me and took it back. Then I made her bring me a hot towel. It smelled funny, but it was still soothing. I suspected she wiped it on something gross. Honestly, I didn’t care. With the heat, I passed right out in my seat.
When I awoke, it was time to get off the plane. Rogan looked like he had thrown up on himself and then wiped it off, so I gathered that I had missed at least one other incident while I was passed out. I got my carry-on bag, but then the stewardess informed me that it wasn’t mine. That’s when I remembered we got on the plane with no luggage or clothes.
Staggering out into the airport, we were still pretty drunk. I guess I was the least drunk so everyone was following me. We got in line to wait for one of those cab vans so we could all ride together. Dag and I were worried that if we lost sight of the brothers, they might get lost. Without being able to speak German, that would be an extra level of confusion for them, so we wanted to keep a close eye.
Taking the cab to the KDLM Building, Rogan started to ask me questions.
“Where are we?” he asked, very confused.
“Berlin,” I explained. “We’re going to the KDLM Building.”
“Wait, what? Berlin…where? Pennsylvania, right? Not Germany, surely not Germany,” he said in disbelief.
“Yes, why did you think we were on a plane that long?” I asked.
“We were on a plane?” he said. “But why are we here? I thought they stole all our money.”
“We going to piss in their lobby,” I said. “Remember?”
“Oh…ok. That’s good,” agreed Rogan. “I have to piss anyway.”
As we approached the building and got out, I was wondering if it would be a good idea for one of us to stay behind. At the very least, I would be at the end so if the cops saw us, I would have a chance to run away. The KDLM building had a long cement campus. It was still pretty early and I didn’t see any security guards outside.
“I’m glad we’re doing this,” said Aiden determinedly. “This place took our money. They deserve to smell like piss.”
Say what you want about the Irish brothers, they were certainly amusing when they were drunk. They were also highly functional. They staggered, but they did not fall. This I admired. Finally, we reached the spot. The doors to the lobby were locked. Undeterred, we moved over the wall next to the front door.
“All right gentlemen,” I said. “Are you ready to do this?”
“Yes!” shouted Logan.
“Okay, one, two, three,” I counted off.
On “three” we all dropped our pants and started pissing on the building’s granite wall. No one seemed to be coming to stop us, so it looked like we were going to get away with it.
Then the most beautiful woman emerged from the building––a strong, stout German woman like I had not gazed upon in many years, since Dag and I left out homeland. She was a tall, gorgeous, blonde angel in a business suit. I had never seen such an exquisite creature in all my life. She squealed in surprise and dropped her purse.
I had to confess that I was already starting to get an erection. She was simply that beautiful.
Chapter 7
Elrica
Wow, I had seen some homeless guys in my day, but these guys took the cake. No wait, these guys weren’t homeless. They were far too well dressed and good looking for that. Why the Hell were they peeing on the building? My building, when you get right down to it. I mean, I was practically running the place now.
“Okay, what the Hell?” I said.
“Hello,” one of the men, who was staggering drunk, said in English. “I’m Aiden. This is Liam, Rogan, Logan, Dag and Leo. We’re pissing on your building because KDLM took our money and we’re broke.”
“I’m Elrica. And we didn’t take your money,” I said wryly. “You make a bad investment, it’s on you. And, no offense, but I don’t think you guys are immune to making bad choices.”
I picked up my purse and I laughed at the absurdity of it all. These guys sounded Ame
rican. Did they fly all the way here just to piss on KDLM? Pretty ballsy. Plus, I have to say, they were all pretty well endowed. Add to that, their nice asses and over all good looks––I think I have the makings of a deal here. I could finally bring my fantasy to life.
“Look, why don’t you fellows zip up and come up to my office,” I said. “I wouldn’t want you to get arrested for such a foolish prank. In New York, you’d probably already been in the Tombs by now.”
“How did you know we were from New York?” asked Liam.
“Just a guess,” I said. “You guys had the air of New Yorkers. Germans don’t pee on things, they just invade other countries when they’re mad.”
“Hey,” objected Dag. “That’s a stereotype.”
“Ja!” agreed Leo.
“I’m joking,” I said. “You’re awfully sensitive for a bunch of guys who whip their wieners out in public.”
Thankfully, the guys all pulled their pants up and zipped back up. The security guards had not gotten wind of things. They generally didn’t start patrolling until 7 am anyway.
“I’m Logan,” Logan said, reintroducing himself. “Don’t get me confused with that one.”
“Oh, you guys are twins,” I said, finally noticing. “Cute. You carry yourself differently than your brother.”
“That I do,” he smiled.
“Is it my imagination or did you just suddenly sober up?” I asked.
It seemed like he did. One minute he looked like he was going to fall over with the rest of them, but now he was looking me right in the eye. Well, mostly. His eyes kept drifting down to my cleavage every few seconds. Yeah, I think this could work.
“You men, come with me. Let us go inside,” I said opening the door. “We can talk more freely in my office.”
Chapter 8
Aiden
Well, this morning was certainly looking up! Elrica was just about the most delicious, curvy girl I had ever seen. Oh, I had to get a peek under that business suit before I left this country. Jesus! Are all the German girls like this?