Starting Over

by Penny Jordan

  'Mmm... Well, when it's my turn, please remember I want something much simpler—a natural woodland DIY burial.'

  Jon had laughed chiding him teasingly, 'If you think for one minute I'm going to dig a hole big enough for you...'

  CASPAR SAT forward on the edge of his seat as the taxi turned into the drive. He had asked David not to say anything to Olivia about his return and a little reluctantly the other man had agreed.

  'How is she?' he had asked David when he had rung from the airport to say that he had arrived.

  'Much better,' David had confirmed. As David spoke to him Caspar had heard in the background the voices of his two daughters and a feeling of aching longing had filled him.

  OLIVIA HAD perfectly understood when David had said that he was returning home. She was feeling a lot better although Jon had insisted that she was not to rush back to work. Ben's death had come as a shock to all of them despite the fact that he had been unwell for quite some time.

  She heard Ally barking and saw the tail lights of the taxi disappearing but no premonition of who her visitor might be struck her as she went to open the door, so that the shock of seeing Caspar standing there made it impossible for her to hide her emotions from him.

  The long flight to Manchester had given Caspar more time than he wanted to think, not just about what he was doing but what he had done and what he and Olivia had done— together and apart—the good and the bad.

  He had missed his daughters and he had missed Olivia, too, but it took the fierce jolt of emotion bump-ing his heart against his ribs as he saw the feelings Olivia didn't have time to hide to make him acknowledge just how strong his love for her still was.

  'Caspar...'

  No sooner had Olivia done nothing more than gasp his name than Amelia and Alex came rushing into the hallway flinging themselves into their father's arms.

  As he held them Caspar didn't make any attempt to conceal his tears, hugging them tightly to him as he looked at Olivia over their heads.

  It was several hours later before they could finally sit down and talk.

  'The girls are asleep,' Caspar told Olivia as he came downstairs.

  'They've missed you,' Olivia responded softly.

  Caspar gave her a rueful look.

  'Have they? Your father seems to have done an excellent job of providing them with a male presence in their lives. All they could talk about was Grandpa.'

  'They are excited about the fact that they've got another grandfather,' Olivia acknowledged. 'But no grandfather could ever take your place in their lives Caspar, or...' Olivia stopped. Now that she was over the shock of him coming home there were things that needed to be said before she could start admitting to him that it wasn't just in the children's eyes and lives that he couldn't be replaced.

  'What—what made you decide to come home?'

  Olivia asked him quietly.

  'A lot of things,' Caspar responded. 'You...me...

  our children...

  'Why didn't you ring me and tell me how difficult things were for you, Livvy? Why did I have to learn from your father that you were ill?'

  'My father rang you?' Olivia demanded. She started to frown. 'Is that why you've come home? Because—'

  'I came home because this is my home. You are my home—you and the girls.' Caspar overrode her. 'Your father's telephone call simply gave me the excuse my pride needed. You don't know how many times I've wanted to ring you, how many times I've wished...'

  He stopped and shook his head, going towards her as he saw the sparkle of her tears in her eyes.

  'Livvy, don't, please,' he groaned, lifting his arms to take hold of her and then letting them drop to his sides again. It was too soon for such intimacies between them, he could sense that from Olivia's expression and yet, it was so damned hard not to be able to short-cut the awkwardness between them by taking her in his arms and showing her all the things he wanted to show her.

  'If you'd rather I didn't stay here...' he began but Olivia shook her head immediately.

  'No, the girls would be devastated if you didn't...'

  Without looking at him she told him hurriedly, 'I'll make up the spare room bed for you.'

  Caspar knew what she was saying.

  'If that's what you prefer,' he accepted.

  'I—I think we both need time, Caspar. We need to talk, to—'

  'It's all right. I understand,' Caspar interrupted her.

  'Where did it go wrong for us, Caspar?' Olivia asked him achingly, unable to stop herself.

  'I don't know,' Caspar admitted. 'Perhaps we simply didn't value and nourish what we had enough.'

  He had changed somehow, Olivia recognised; become softer, gentler, as though... A small dark shadow of fear touched her heart. Could another woman be responsible for the change she sensed in him?

  He had come back to her she reminded herself firmly. To her and to their children, and Caspar wasn't the only one who had changed...discovered...

  learned... The old Olivia she had been would have immediately demanded an answer to her suspicions, immediately challenged and exhumed everything he might say, driven by her fear of losing him and her insecurity. But she was wiser now and stronger, too, and for now it was enough that he was here and that both of them believed they had something worth working together for and building on.

  THEY TALKED late into the night about the problems in their marriage and their feelings about their past and their hopes for the future.

  'It's late and you look exhausted,' Caspar eventually told Olivia tenderly. 'I keep forgetting that you've been ill.'

  'I'm fine now,' Olivia reassured him.

  They went upstairs together parting on the landing to go to their separate beds without Caspar making any attempt to kiss her, Olivia noticed.

  The whole house felt different now that he was home—warmer, safer...more complete somehow. Or was that more how she felt?

  A T FIRST when Olivia woke up alone in the large bed that she and Caspar had bought together she couldn't understand just why she should feel so cocooned in such a state of emotional happiness and then she remembered Caspar had come home. Like a child with a much longed for and still unwrapped present she hugged the knowledge to her sleepily, savouring the sweetness of what was still to come.

  In the spare room Caspar, too, was awake. The welcome the girls had given him, the look in Olivia's eyes when she had first seen him, were things to cherish—

  like those who had given them to him. He was aware of a tremendous sense of protectiveness towards his wife and children, a feeling of being empowered by his love for them. He thought about Olivia sleeping alone in their bedroom. He wanted to go to her but he worried that it would be the wrong thing to do.

  Olivia glanced at her bedside clock. It was three o'clock in the morning and she was wide awake and suddenly calmly sure of what she wanted to do.

  As she opened the door to the spare room Caspar turned his head to look at her. As she walked towards him he sat up in the bed, reaching out his hand towards her.

  'Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing and it's too soon for this,' she told him softly, 'but I've missed you....'

  Her body quivered as he placed his hand inside her robe against the bare flesh of her waist. His touch felt both comfortingly familiar and shockingly exciting.

  'I've missed you, too,' Caspar responded and realised how much he meant it.

  'Perhaps that's been part of the problem,' she suggested. 'That somehow, somewhere we have both missed one another and misunderstood one another. I don't want it to be too late for us, Caspar. For us to have lost what we had that was so special...'

  His hand was stroking her skin with gentle reassuring movements that made her want to close her eyes and purr with pleasure. As she looked down into his eyes she reached out automatically to trace the line of his jaw. When he turned his head and kissed her fingertips a surge of forgotten sweetly hot desire raced through her. Half afraid of what she was experiencing and wanting, she tried t
o lighten the intensity of her feelings telling him mundanely, 'My feet are freez-ing....'

  Immediately Caspar released her to flip back the bedcovers, silently inviting her to join him in the bed.

  Her cold feet had always been a joke between them, but Olivia had never thought there would come a day when she was glad to have them.

  Accepting his invitation, she shrugged off her robe and burrowed down beneath the duvet, closing her eyes in bliss as Caspar took hold of her feet and gently chaffed some warmth back into them whilst she snuggled up to him.

  'I thought we weren't going to do this,' Caspar teased her tenderly as he wrapped his arms around the welcoming warmth of her body and gently kissed her.

  'Mmm... Well, if you're not sure we should...'

  Olivia responded huskily.

  As he brushed his lips against hers, Caspar smiled.

  He had never felt more sure of wanting anything or anyone than he felt right now.

  'Now it feels like I've come home,' he whispered softly to her as he drew her even closer.

  It was like recapturing the magic of their early days together, Caspar recognised as he luxuriated in Olivia's response to him and his own fierce desire for her.

  Their hunger for one another took them both off guard, keeping the intensity of their lovemaking at the kind of peak Caspar had thought was in their past.

  It was almost dawn when Olivia finally fell asleep in his arms, her mouth still curled in the smile she had given him when he had told her how much he loved her.

  'HURRY UP, you two, otherwise you're going to be late for school....'

  Over Amelia's and Alex's heads, Caspar and Olivia exchanged rueful looks. Both of them knew how close they had come to oversleeping this morning and why!

  There were still things they needed to discuss—they both knew that—but lying in each other's arms they had made themselves and one another a vow that from now on their lives together would come first.

  'I could work part-time,' Olivia had suggested hesitantly as they lay entwined together, their bodies heavy with satisfaction.

  'You don't have to do that for me, Livvy,' Caspar had protested.

  'It wouldn't be for you,' Olivia had corrected him.

  'It would be for us, for all of us...you, me, the girls and whatever other children we might have.'

  'Other children?' Caspar had demanded bemused.

  'Mmm... Two more, perhaps,' Olivia had told him dreamily. 'Well, three is an awkward number and if we have them close together... It would be nice to have boys this time as well, although I don't really mind.'

  These last few days at home with her father had given her time to think not just about the past but about the future as well. She was sure now just what she wanted from life for herself and, more importantly, what she wanted for those close to her, the children they already had and those she hoped she and Caspar would have.

  'Have you thought about how we're going to finance this extended family?' Caspar had demanded ruefully.

  Reaching up to wrap her arms around him and kiss him Olivia had told him happily, 'Oh, we'll find a way.'

  As he had held her, Caspar could have sworn he almost saw a small dark shadow melt away and that he was seeing Olivia as he had always dreamed she could be, free of the pain of the past, free to share his love. Now as he waited for Amelia and Alex to gather their school things together he thanked fate for ensur-ing that he could meet the love, the second chance Olivia was offering him, openly and honestly without any hidden secrets between them and equally silently he thanked Molly as well.

  As she handed the girls their coats Olivia put on her own, too.

  'I'm coming with you,' she told Caspar with a warm smile.

  'Now we're like a proper family,' Alex beamed as they all left the house together.

  A proper family! As she tucked her hand through Caspar's arm, Olivia thought how good those words sounded.

  BEN'S FUNERAL CORTEGE made its solemn way towards the church. It had been agreed that none of the younger children of the family should be at the grave side and Olivia had given Jenny a look of liquid love and gratitude when the older woman had asked her if she would mind staying at Queensmead with all the little ones.

  'Thank you for that,' Olivia had told Jenny gratefully. 'I don't think I could have borne to be there, Jenny. It would have felt too hypocritical. I can't grieve for him—not really, and...'

  She had stopped speaking, shaking her head, knowing that Jenny understood.

  Jack, seated inside one of the cars, tensed and leaned closer to the window as they drove through Haslewich. He knew it was unlikely that he would see Annalise. She would be at school, but still his heart hammered against his ribs. He had tried to ring her several times but she had never answered either his calls or his letters. He ached with the pain of losing her and with the pain of wanting her.

  ANNALISE KNEW all about Ben's funeral. His death had been the talk of the town. Unable to concentrate on her schoolwork, she gazed out of the classroom window. Jack would be here at home in Haslewich now. Tears filled her eyes. Angrily she brushed them away. She wasn't going to cry over him. He wasn't worth it. Not after the way he had lied to her and she was never, ever going to fall in love with or trust a man again. Never...

  BEN'S HALF-BROTHER, Saul and Nick Crighton's father, Hugh, read Ben's will. There were bequests to all of Ben's grandchildren and Jon mentally gave a small prayer of thanks as he remembered the furious battle he had had with his father to ensure that Olivia was included along with his own daughters.

  Louise and Katie would not have minded a single jot if they had not inherited anything but Olivia would have taken it as yet another rejection which in effect it would have been.

  There was a bequest to Ruth, Ben's sister, of some family archives and she flashed Jon a brief rueful look and shook her head as though chiding him. There were various other small bequests, but the bulk of his estate Ben had left to his eldest son David...with the exception of Queensmead, which he had willed to his grand-son Max.

  Jon could almost feel the collective sigh of relief from the assembled listeners as this last bequest was read out, but instead of looking relieved Max was frowning and standing up, holding up his hand in a request for silence before beginning, 'I'm sure it's no secret to most of you here that prior to his death Ben had made it plain that he no longer wanted to leave Queensmead to me. I was, after all, only his second choice. In reality he wanted Queensmead to go to his elder son and I'm afraid that I infuriated and antagonised him so much towards the end of his life that he had decided to leave Queensmead to charity—any charity rather than to allow me to have it. The fact that he died before he could make any such arrangements does not alter my view that he wished to make them and I believe that it would be morally wrong of me to accept his bequest under such circumstances.

  'However, my wife Maddy loves this house.' His voice dropped, his eyes shadowing. 'In the circumstances, what I would propose to do is to have Queensmead independently valued and provided I can afford to do so, buy it and pass the sale money over to Ben's estate.'

  He stopped as David stood up and walked over to him telling him firmly, 'Thank you, Max. We all ap-predate your honesty, but when it comes to moral obligations—' he gave Max a brief smile '—all of us here know just how much my father was morally obliged to Maddy and everything that she did for him.'

  As everyone started to murmur their assent and nod their heads, David's smile widened.

  'What Max says about my father's desire to change his will, though, is quite correct and therefore...I think the fairest and most just course of action would be—'

  he paused and looked first at Max and then at Jon

  '—would be for the deeds of Queensmead to be trans-ferred into Maddy's name and the house and its contents to be handed into her safe keeping.'

  For a moment there was silence and then someone—David didn't know who—started to clap and within seconds the whole room was clapping and c
heering. And Max, who was standing less than three feet away from him, looked at him with his heart in his eyes as they filled with unashamed tears.

  Beside him Jon was thumping him on the back and declaring with delight, 'David that was a decision worthy of Solomon,' whilst Jack was watching him with pride and love.

  'A decision worthy of Solomon indeed,' Honor agreed lovingly later when he described the scene to her.

  David returned her smile as he drew her closer to him. They had heard the previous day that as far as this test could indicate, their baby was healthy and sound.

  NICK PUT DOWN the glass of wine he was holding without tasting it. Nothing in life had any taste for him any more...without Sara. He woke up at night reaching for her, aching for her, and the wound that had supposedly been healing so well had developed a sec-ondary infection which had caused his doctor to frown and make worried comments about the efficiency of his immunity system.

  A heavy-duty course of antibiotics had routed out the infection but nothing could remove the pain from his heart.

  'If she matters so much to you, why the hell don't you do something about it?'

  Nick tensed as Saul confronted him.

  'You don't know what you're talking about,' he told his brother rudely.

  Saul refused to take offence.

  'You don't think so?' he countered. 'I've been there before you, Nick,' Saul told him.

  'You don't understand,' Nick told him bitterly.

  'I understand that you're sick with love and too much of a coward or a fool to do anything about it,'

  Saul returned with gritty asperity.

  Saul knew he was taking a dangerous risk, but Nick was his brother and he couldn't simply stand to one side and watch him suffer out of some idiotic stubborn pride.

  Saul saw from the hot flash of anger illuminating Nick's eyes that he had hit a nerve. He watched him anxiously as he turned on his heel and walked away.

  'Any luck?' Tullah asked her husband as she came over to join him.