by Tom Stoppard
BROWN: I must congratulate you on your hospital, it’s a lovely place you run here. Everyone is so nice.
MATRON: Well, thank you, Mr Brown. I’m glad you feel at home.
(MAGGIE takes Brown’s tray.)
BROWN: I never felt it there. Very good breakfast. Just what the doctor ordered. I hope he got a bit of a lie-in.
(MAGGIE exits with the tray, closing the door.)
MATRON: Now, what’s your problem, Mr Brown?
BROWN: I have no problems.
MATRON: Your complaint.
BROWN: I have no complaints either. Full marks.
MATRON: Most people who come here have something the matter with them.
BROWN: That must give you a lot of extra work.
MATRON: But it’s what we’re here for. You see, you can’t really stay unless there’s something wrong with you.
BROWN: I can pay.
MATRON: That’s not the point.
BROWN: What is the point?
MATRON: This is a hospital. What are you after?
BROWN: (Sadly) My approach is too straightforward. An ordinary malingerer or a genuine hypochondriac wouldn’t have all this trouble. They’d be accepted on their own terms. All I get is a lot of personal questions. (Hopefully.) Maybe I could catch something … But what difference would it make to you?
MATRON: We have to keep the beds free for people who need them.
BROWN: I need this room.
MATRON: I believe you, Mr Brown – but wouldn’t another room like this one do? Somewhere else? You see, we deal with physical matters – of the body –
BROWN: There’s nothing wrong with my mind. You won’t find my name on any list.
MATRON: I know.
BROWN: (Teasing) How do you know?
(She doesn’t answer.)
Go for the obvious, it’s worth considering. I know what I like: a nice atmosphere – good food – clean rooms – no demands – cheerful staff – Well, it’s worth the price. I won’t be any trouble.
MATRON: Have you thought of going to a nice country hotel?
BROWN: Different kettle of fish altogether. I want to do nothing, and have nothing expected of me. That isn’t possible out there. It worries them. They want to know what you’re at – staying in your room all the time – they want to know what you’re doing. But in a hospital it is understood that you’re not doing anything, because everybody’s in the same boat – it’s the normal thing.
MATRON: But there’s nothing wrong with you!
BROWN: That’s why I’m here. If there was something wrong with me I could get into any old hospital – free. As it is, I’m quite happy to pay for not having anything wrong with me.
MATRON: But what do you want to do here?
BROWN: Nothing.
MATRON: You’ll find that very boring.
BROWN: One must expect to be bored, in a hospital.
MATRON: Have you been in a hospital quite a lot?
BROWN: No. I’ve been saving up for it … (He smiles.)
SCENE 5
The hospital office. The DOCTOR is phoning at a desk.
DOCTOR: No luck? … Oh. Well, I don’t know. The only plan we’ve got is to bore him out of here, but he’s disturbingly self-sufficient … Mmmm, we’ve had a psychiatrist over … Well, he seemed amused … Both of them, actually; they were both amused … No, I shouldn’t do that, he won’t tell you anything. And there’s one of our nurses – she’s getting on very well with him … something’s bound to come out soon …
SCENE 6
Brown’s ward. BROWN is in bed with a thermometer in his mouth. MAGGIE is taking his pulse. She removes the thermometer, scans it and shakes it.
MAGGIE: I’m wasting my time here, you know.
BROWN: (Disappointed) Normal?
MAGGIE: You’ll have to do better than that if you’re going to stay.
BROWN: You’re breaking my heart, Maggie.
MAGGIE: (Almost lovingly) Brownie, what are you doing to do with yourself?
BROWN: Maggie, Maggie … Why do you want me to do something?
MAGGIE: They’ve all got theories about you, you know.
BROWN: Theories?
MAGGIE: Train robber.
BROWN: That’s a good one.
MAGGIE: Embezzler.
BROWN: Naturally.
MAGGIE: Eccentric millionaire.
BROWN: Wish I was. I’d have my own hospital, just for myself – with nurses, doctors, rubber floors, flowers, stretchers parked by the elevators, clean towels and fire regulations …
MAGGIE: It’s generally agreed you’re on the run.
BROWN: No, I’ve stopped.
MAGGIE: I think you’re just lazy.
BROWN: I knew you were the clever one.
MAGGIE: (Troubled, soft) Tell me what’s the matter, Brownie?
BROWN: I would if there was.
MAGGIE: What do you want to stay here for, then?
BROWN: I like you.
MAGGIE: You didn’t know I was here.
BROWN: That’s true. I came for the quiet and the routine. I came for the white calm, meals on trays and quiet efficiency, time passing and bringing nothing. That seemed enough. I never got it down to a person. But I like you – I like you very much.
MAGGIE: Well, I like you too, Brownie. But there’s more in life than that.
(MATRON enters.)
MATRON: Good morning.
BROWN: Good morning, Matron.
MATRON: And how are we this morning?
BROWN: We’re very well. How are you?
MATRON: (Slightly taken aback) I’m all right, thank you. Well, are you enjoying life?
BROWN: Yes, thank you, Matron.
MATRON: What have you been doing?
BROWN: Nothing.
MATRON: Now really, Mr Brown, this won’t do, you know. Wouldn’t you like to get up for a while? Have a walk in the garden? There’s no reason why you shouldn’t.
BROWN: No, I suppose not. But I didn’t come here for that. I must have walked thousands of miles, in my time.
MATRON: It’s not healthy to stay in bed all day.
BROWN: What do the other patients do?
MATRON: The other patients are here because they are not well.
BROWN: I thought patients did things … (Vaguely) made things.
MATRON: I suppose you wouldn’t like to make paper flowers?
BROWN: What on earth for? You’ve got lots of real ones.
MATRON: You haven’t got any.
BROWN: Well, no one knows I’m here.
MATRON: Then you must tell somebody.
BROWN: I don’t want them to know.
MATRON: Who?
BROWN: Everybody.
MATRON: You’ll soon get tired of sitting in bed.
BROWN: Then I’ll sit by the window. I’m easily pleased.
MATRON: I can’t let you languish away in here. You must do something.
BROWN: (Sighs) All right. What?
MATRON: We’ve got basket-weaving …?
BROWN: Then I’ll be left alone, will I?
SCENE 7
The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.
DOCTOR: Well, I don’t know – how many John Browns are there in Somerset House? … Good grief! … Of course, if it’s any consolation it may not be his real name … I know it doesn’t help … That’s an idea, yes … His fingerprints … No, no, I’ll get them on a glass or something – Well, he might have been in trouble some time …
SCENE 8
Brown’s ward. BROWN is working on a shapeless piece of basketry.
MATRON enters.
MATRON: What is it?
BROWN: Basketwork.
MATRON: But what is it for?
BROWN: Therapy.
MATRON: You’re making fun of me.
BROWN: It is functional on one level only. If that. You’d like me to make a sort of laundry basket and lower myself in it out of the window. That would be functional on two levels. At least.<
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(Regards the mess sadly.) And I’m not even blind.
(MATRON silently dispossesses BROWN of his basketry.)
MATRON: What about painting, Mr Brown?
(That strikes a chord.)
BROWN: Painting … I used to do a bit of painting.
MATRON: Splendid. Would you do some for me?
BROWN: Paint in here?
MATRON: Nurse Coates will bring you materials.
BROWN: What colours do you like?
MATRON: I like all colours. Just paint what you fancy. Paint scenes from your own life.
BROWN: Clever! Should I paint my last place of employment?
MATRON: I’m trying to help you.
BROWN: I’m sorry. I know you are. But I don’t need help. Everything’s fine for me. (Pause.) Would you like me to paint the countryside?
MATRON: Yes, that would be nice.
SCENE 9
The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.
DOCTOR: No … well, we haven’t got anything against him really. He’s not doing any harm. No, he pays regularly. We can’t really refuse … He’s got lots left …
SCENE 10
Brown’s ward. BROWN is painting a landscape all aver one wall. He hasn’t got very far, but one sees the beginnings of a simple pastoral scene, competent but amateurish. MAGGIE enters, carrying cut flowers in a vase.
MAGGIE: Hello – (She notices.)
BROWN: I’ll need some more paint.
MAGGIE: (Horrified) Brownie! I gave you drawing paper!
BROWN: I like space. I like the big sweep – the contours of hills all flowing.
MAGGIE: Matron will have a fit.
BROWN: What are the flowers?
MAGGIE: You don’t deserve them.
BROWN: Who are they from?
MAGGIE: Me.
BROWN: Maggie!
MAGGIE: I didn’t buy them.
BROWN: Pinched them?
MAGGIE: Picked them.
BROWN: A lovely thought. Put them over there. I should bring you flowers.
MAGGIE: I’m not ill.
BROWN: Nor am I. Do you like it?
MAGGIE: Very pretty.
BROWN: I’m only doing it to please Matron really. I could do with a bigger brush. There’s more paint, is there? I’ll need a lot of blue. It’s going to be summer in here.
MAGGIE: It’s summer outside. Isn’t that good enough for you?
(BROWN stares out of the window: gardens, flowers, trees, hills.)
BROWN: I couldn’t stay out there. You don’t get the benefits.
MAGGIE: (Leaving) I’ll have to tell Matron, you know.
BROWN: You don’t get the looking after. And the privacy. (He considers.) I’ll have to take the curtains down.
SCENE 11
The hospital office.
MATRON: What did the psychiatrist think?
DOCTOR: He likes him.
MATRON: (Sour) He’s likeable.
DOCTOR: (Thoughtfully) I just thought I’d let him stay the night. I wanted to go back to bed and it seemed the easiest thing to do. I thought that in the morning … Well, I’m not sure what I thought would happen in the morning.
MATRON: He’s not simple – he’s giving nothing away. Not even to Nurse Coates.
DOCTOR: Well, keep her at it.
MATRON: She doesn’t need much keeping.
SCENE 12
Brown’s ward. BROWN has painted a whole wall and is working on a second one. MAGGIE sits on the bed.
MAGGIE: That was when I started nursing, after that.
BROWN: Funny. I would have thought your childhood was all to do with ponies and big stone-floored kitchens …
MAGGIE: Goes to show. What was your childhood like?
BROWN: Young … I wish I had more money.
MAGGIE: You’ve got a lot. You must have had a good job …?
BROWN: Centre forward for Arsenal.
MAGGIE: You’re not fair! You don’t give me anything in return.
BROWN: This painting’s for you, Maggie … If I’d got four times as much money, I’d take four rooms and paint one for each season. But I’ve only got money for the summer.
MAGGIE: What will you do when it’s gone?
BROWN: (Seriously) I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll get ill and have to go to a hospital. But I’ll miss you, Maggie.
MAGGIE: If you had someone to look after you you wouldn’t have this trouble.
BROWN: What trouble?
MAGGIE: If you had someone to cook your meals and do your laundry you’d be all right, wouldn’t you?
BROWN: It’s the things that go with it.
MAGGIE: You should have got married. I bet you had chances.
BROWN: Perhaps.
MAGGIE: It’s not too late.
BROWN: You don’t think so?
MAGGIE: You’re attractive.
BROWN: What are you like when you’re not in uniform? I can’t think of you not being a nurse. It belongs to another world I’m not part of any more.
MAGGIE: What have you got about hospitals?
BROWN: A hospital is a very dependable place. Anything could be going on outside. Since I’ve been in here – there could be a war on, and for once it’s got nothing to do with me. I don’t even know about it. Fire, flood and misery of all kinds, across the world or over the hill, it can go on, but this is a private ward; I’m paying for it. (Pause.) The meals come in on trays, on the dot – the dust never settles before it’s wiped – clean laundry at the appointed time – the matron does her round, not affected by anything outside. You need never know anything, it doesn’t touch you.
MAGGIE: That’s not true, Brownie.
BROWN: I know it’s not.
MAGGIE: Then you shouldn’t try and make it true.
BROWN: I know I shouldn’t.
(Pause.)
MAGGIE: Is that all there is to it, then?
BROWN: You’ve still got theories?
MAGGIE: There’s a new one. You’re a retired forger.
BROWN: Ha! The money’s real enough.
MAGGIE: I know.
BROWN: How do you know?
MAGGIE: (Shamefaced) They had it checked.
(BROWN laughs.)
BROWN: They’ve got to make it difficult. I’ve got to be a crook or a lunatic.
MAGGIE: Then why don’t you tell them where you came from?
BROWN: They want to pass me on. But they don’t know who to, or where. I’m happy here.
MAGGIE: Haven’t you been happy anywhere else?
BROWN: Yes. I had a good four years of it once.
MAGGIE: In hospital?
BROWN: No, that was abroad.
MAGGIE: Where have you been?
BROWN: All over. I’ve been among French, Germans, Greeks, Turks, Arabs …
MAGGIE: What were you doing?
BROWN: Different things in different places. (Smiles.) I was painting in France.
MAGGIE: An artist?
BROWN: Oh very. Green and brown. I could turn a row of tanks into a leafy hedgerow. Not literally. Worse luck.
SCENE 13
The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.
DOCTOR: … He meant camouflage … Well, I realize that, but there are a number of points to narrow the field … Must be records of some kind … Service in France and Germany, probably Middle East …
SCENE 14
Brown’s ward. BROWN has painted two walls and is working on a third.
MAGGIE: It’s very nice, Brownie. Perhaps you’ll be famous and people will come here to see your mural.
BROWN: I wouldn’t let them in.
MAGGIE: After you’re dead. In a hundred years.
BROWN: Yes, they could come in then.
MAGGIE: What will you do when you’ve finished the room?
BROWN: Go back to bed. It’ll be nice in here. Hospital routine in a pastoral setting. That’s kind of perfection, really.
MAGGIE: You could have put your bed in the garden.
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nbsp; BROWN: What’s the date?
MAGGIE: The twenty-seventh.
BROWN: I’ve lasted well, haven’t I?
MAGGIE: How old are you?
BROWN: Twice your age.
MAGGIE: Forty-four?
BROWN: And more. (Looking close.) What are you thinking?
MAGGIE: Before I was born, you were in the war.
BROWN: (Moves) Yes. Private Brown.
MAGGIE: Was it awful being in the war?
BROWN: I didn’t like the first bit. But in the end it was very nice.
MAGGIE: What happened to you?
BROWN: I got taken prisoner … Four years.
MAGGIE: Is that when you were happy?
BROWN: Yes … Funny thing, that camp. Up to then it was all terrible. Chaos – all the pins must have fallen off the map, dive bombers and bullets. Oh dear, yes. The camp was like breathing out for the first time in months. I couldn’t believe it. It was like winning, being captured. The war was still going on but I wasn’t going to it any more. They gave us food, life was regulated, in a box of earth and wire and sky. On my second day I knew what it reminded me of.
MAGGIE: What?
BROWN: Here. It reminded me of here.
SCENE 15
The hospital office. Present are the DOCTOR, MATRON and MAGGIE. The DOCTOR holding a big book – a record of admissions, his finger on a line.
DOCTOR: John Brown. And an address. (To MAGGIE.) Well done.
MAGGIE: (Troubled) But does it make any difference?
MATRON: What was he doing round here?
DOCTOR: Staying with relatives – or holiday, we can find out.
MATRON: So long ago?
DOCTOR: Compound fracture – car accident. The driver paid for him … Well, something to go on at last!
MAGGIE: He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he?
SCENE 16
Brown’s ward. The painting nearly covers the walls. BROWN is finishing it off in one corner.