by Tom Stoppard
2. INT. TRAIN. DAY
The compartment is full, six passengers. Four of them are ‘LOCALS’, including one pretty GIRL. The fifth is COMISKY, an American salesman. The sixth is PHILO, who is distinguished from the others by his air of slightly nervous reserve; by his clothes, which suggest a bureaucratic correctness despite being offset by a fur hat; and by his tiny pet monkey, which peeps from his overcoat pocket. It seems like a party, and COMISKY is the life and soul of it. The chatter of the LOCALS is in a foreign tongue. A bottle is passed round. Fruit and bread rolls are being shared. Only PHILO abstains. COMISKY concentrates on the GIRL, who is wearing a fur hat much like Philo’s.
COMISKY takes her hat and puts it on his head. He prevents her from snatching it back.
COMISKY: I will take you home to America. I love you. Mrs Comisky will learn to love you, give her time. (He brushes aside interruptions and defends the hat.) I love you. Is this man your husband? Forget him. (He kisses her hand gallantly. She snatches her hat back. He takes a swig from a proffered bottle.) OK, at least let me take your hat to America. I want to buy the hat. I always wanted a fur hat.
(He takes out his wallet and from the wallet a note. The gesture is misunderstood. Ribald laughter and protest. The GIRL slaps him lightly.
PHILO interrupts for the first time – tells the girl briefly, in her language, that the man just wants the hat. At this point two uniformed officials, TRAIN POLICE, enter and the LOCALS obviously know them well. Tickets and travel documents are offered. The cramped compartment is alive with chatter, the TRAIN POLICE joining in. The GIRL puts up with the flirting. Philo’s document is obviously ‘special’ – it consists of several items, passport, letter, photo, identity card. The attitude of the TRAIN POLICE changes into one of nervous respect, which rapidly infects the other people, except COMISKY, who remains oblivious until he is the only person left talking. COMISKY falls silent and looks round blankly.)
Whassamatter …?
(The OFFICIALS salute PHILO and leave. PHILO strokes his monkey, and looks embarrassed.)
3. EXT. FRONTIER STATION. DAY
A small frontier post, not even a village.
At one platform a train is waiting to leave, just beyond a guarded gate.
A few people in view, several in uniform.
In the distance our first train is approaching.
4. INT. TRAIN. SAME TIME
Only COMISKY AND PHILO are left in the compartment. PHILO drinks from a small bottle of spirits, emptying it.
COMISKY: You’re coming all the way?
PHILO: Yes.
COMISKY: Sam Comisky – the New Jersey Comiskys, capitalists – except the laundromat failed. You been in there on a trip?
PHILO: Yes.
COMISKY: It’s a tight country for a salesman. I’m in and out.
(The train brakes and slows.)
The frontier. All change. I’ll be glad to get back into Austria. How long was your visit?
PHILO: Fifteen years. Do you have by any chance some Austrian money – a coin for the public telephone?
(COMISKY looks at him in surprise but fishes a fistful of coins out of his pocket.)
COMISKY: Probably. There, how’s that?
(He gives PHILO a coin.)
PHILO: Thank you. May I also make you a gift?
(PHILO takes off his fur hat and offers it to COMISKY.)
COMISKY: Really?… Well, gee thanks.
5. EXT. FRONTIER STATION. DAY
PHILO, with no luggage except a briefcase, hatless now, gets off the train and walks rapidly towards the guarded gate, towards the waiting train. Amid the other passengers COMISKY follows, carrying a suitcase and the hat. He stops and puts the hat on.
The monkey climbs out of Philo’s pocket, up his coat.
An ASSASSIN is scanning the passengers, uncertainly, not sure of himself.
PHILO is at the gate.
The monkey with a little squeal jumps off PHILO and scampers up COMISKY, comically-angrily pulling at his hat. COMISKY laughs.
The monkey sits on COMISKY’s shoulder. The ASSASSIN sees COMISKY and the monkey now.
The ASSASSIN produces a machine-pistol and starts shooting from close range. It takes one long burst and then COMISKY and the monkey are dead on the platform.
PHILO takes that in at a glance and turns swiftly through the gate, unnoticed. The passengers and GUARDS, etc. scatter, some towards the corpse.
PHILO pulls himself up into the waiting train.
6. INT. STATION OFFICE. SAME TIME
Two GUARDS stand nervously, holding guns, watching the ASSASSIN. The ASSASSIN holds the phone to his ear and waits, drumming his fingers on a piece of paper on the table. The paper is a snapshot, a long-range blow-up of PHILO with the monkey on his shoulder. Behind the ASSASSIN, the train with PHILO on it can be seen leaving the station.
7. INT. RAILWAY STATION. DAY
Establish Vienna Station. Philo’s train arriving.
8. INT. VIENNA STATION. SAME TIME
PHILO disembarks from the train.
He is being covertly watched by two or three men. One of the men is SANDERS; another, OTIS.
9. INT. VIENNA STATION. SAME TIME
PHILO studies the phone, etc., reading the instructions, holding Comisky’s coin.
Cutaway: SANDERS and OTIS watching.
PHILO dials.
TELEPHONE: Toytown International.
PHILO: Toytown? Thank you. I want the Sales Director in charge of train sets.
(A hand comes over PHILO’s shoulder and cuts off the call. PHILO turns and sees SANDERS.)
SANDERS: I’m out.
(OTIS’s head joins him in the frame.)
This is Mr Otis of Model Aeroplanes. He’s taken over Exports.
10. CREDITS
11. EXT. SMALL RAILWAY STATION. DAY
A third railway station. (The film is to end on a railway station, and this plethora of stations is intended to top and tail the whole; thus it is hoped that a virtue is made of the repetition.) This station is Montebianca, clearly not much of a place.
A train has just arrived. Two men get off it: they will be referred to as LAUREL and HARDY, whom they resemble in shape though not in amiability.
LAUREL and HARDY each carry a small suitcase. They move slowly and deliberately, taking in the station as though it were a hotel room.
12. EXT. STATION BOOKSTALL. SAME TIME
LAUREL picks up a Guide to Montebianca.
13. EXT. PAVEMENT CAFE. DAY
LAUREL and HARDY sit at a table. LAUREL reads the guidebook. HARDY sits with his fingers on a closed file lying in front of him on the table. They are in the same clothes as before – town suits, town shoes, collars and ties, but slightly shabby. No suitcase now.
LAUREL: (Reading) ‘The population of Montebianca is sixteen thousand, five hundred.’
(He looks around the café, where a handful of people are sitting.) Sixteen thousand, four hundred and ninety-two to go.
(The WAITER comes with their order of drinks, which he places on top of the file. HARDY carefully puts the drinks to one side.)
HARDY: My friend, perhaps you can help me a little.
(HARDY turns over the cover of the file, revealing a formal photo of PHILO, and a banknote.) I will be quite frank with you
It is a little matter of a runaway husband. An old story.
Maybe he is a customer here?
(The WAITER examines the photo.)
It is not recent. He’s missing for two years.
WAITER: Yes. Maybe I can help you a little.
(HARDY gives him the banknote. The WAITER puts it in his jacket pocket.)
Yes, I can help you. Here he is definitely not a customer.
(The WAITER smiles and goes about his business. LAUREL shakes his head.)
LAUREL: Sixteen thousand … Well, sooner or later they will all walk past this table.
HARDY: Our orders are forty-eight hours.
LAUREL: Orders.
(A co
uple stroll past the table.)
Sixteen thousand, four hundred and ninety.
HARDY: Does it say how many bars?
LAUREL: (Looking through the guidebook) Probably a hundred.
(HARDY downs his drink, closes the file and stands up.)
HARDY: You see? The odds improve.
(LAUREL also finishes his drink. HARDY moves out, having dropped some money on the table. LAUREL makes a small detour towards the WAITER, who is balancing a laden tray on the tips of his fingers. HARDY approaches him smiling, dips his hand into the waiter’s pocket and retrieves the banknote. With his other hand he delicately flicks the tray, sending it crashing to the floor.)
LAUREL: Don’t play games.
(He turns and follows HARDY away.)
14. MONTAGE OF THREE BAR INTERIORS
LAUREL and HARDY are having no success in their search for PHILO. Barmen and serving girls, etc. are shown the photo but it means nothing to them.
15. INT. BAR
LAUREL: Why would he come here anyway?
HARDY: To drink.
LAUREL: No, to Montebianca. It’s nothing, it’s too small, it’s not a country, it’s a joke.
HARDY: Yes, it’s a funny place.
LAUREL: It’s a joke with postage stamps. Who wants it?
HARDY: Tourists. The mountains … very beautiful, they say,
LAUREL: Let’s go. Maybe he’s stopped drinking. Two years is a long time – many things about him must have changed.
HARDY: No, he drinks. I know them. Besides, what else do we know of him? Did you read the file? Half a sheet. How can we work from half a sheet on a whole man?
(HARDY looks around absently and notices at an adjoining table an oldish man playing with a white kitten. HARDY pauses on that.)
Zut!
16. INT. VETERINARY SURGERY. DAY
A cat in a cage. Then a line of cages containing puppies, birds, mice, etc., with which LAUREL is trying to ingratiate himself.
LAUREL and HARDY are alone in the room. The door opens and a NURSE in white enters.
NURSE: No, I’m sorry, Doctor Wolensk is operating just now.
HARDY: I just want the vet.
NURSE: Doctor Wolensk is the animal doctor.
HARDY: Oh. The animal doctor … Well, I’ll just go and talk to him a minute. (He moves to the door.)
NURSE: I’m sorry, it is not permitted –
(LAUREL catches her by the arm, quite pleasantly.)
LAUREL: He’s an animal lover.
(HARDY goes through the door. The NURSE tries to get free of LAUREL, who pulls her up, not quite so pleasantly.)
People he don’t like so much.
17. INT. OPERATING ROOM. SAME TIME
WOLENSK is working over an unconscious dog. He looks up and sees HARDY.
WOLENSK: Who are you?
HARDY: I’m looking for a friend.
WOLENSK: There is no one here. Please leave.
HARDY: (Sympathetically) Oh! … A broken leg?
WOIENSK: That’s right. A car accident.
HARDY: I would shoot him.
WOLENSK: (Shocked) Shoot the dog?
HARDY: No, the driver.
WOLENSK: (Shouts) Nurse! (To HARDY) Who gave you permission –?
(HARDY takes out an automatic and examines it casually.)
HARDY: No, I mean I’d really shoot him, I get so angry.
(WOLENSK pauses and looks fearfully at HARDY.)
This friend of mine has a monkey.
WOLENSK: What’s his name?
HARDY: I don’t know.
WOLENSK: You don’t know your friend’s name?
HARDY: Oh – I thought you meant the monkey.
WOLENSK: Look – what is this?
HARDY: Where do monkeys come from?
WOLENSK: Africa … South America …
HARDY: Yes. They are not native to Central Europe. There are no Austrian monkeys or Serbian, Bulgarian, no Montebiancan monkeys. Naturally. It gets too cold for them. And of course we do not have the jungle. Altogether, a monkey needs special attention here. Injections and so on. They would come to you; of course. You are the only vet. The only animal doctor, that is to say. My friend had another monkey but it died. A shooting accident. I think probably there is another monkey now. Very very probably. If so, no doubt you have done injections, and you can tell me where my friend lives.
WOLENSK: Oh …
HARDY: By the way, this gun is a toy, I do not really shoot motorists.
(HARDY puts the gun back in his pocket, rendering it harmless at the psychological moment.
WOLENSK laughs his relief, laughs away his own foolishness for being so frightened.)
WOLENSK: Yes … Your friend lives in the Sondra Apartments, top floor.
HARDY: Thank you, Doctor. By the way, what is my friend’s name?
WOLENSK: Buchner.
(The illogicality of the question catches up on him, but HARDY has gone.)
18. INT. SONDRA APARTMENT BLOCK. DAY
It is obviously fashionable and expensive. LAUREL and HARDY approach it and glance dubiously at each other, but they go in.
19. INT. SONDRA APARTMENTS. DAY
The lift arrives at the top floor. LAUREL and HARDY come out of the lift. They are in a carpeted hall.
HARDY takes out his automatic and holds it down by his side.
LAUREL rings the doorbell of the penthouse.
The door is opened by a uniformed MAID. LAUREL and HARDY don’t like this.
LAUREL: Mr Buchner at home?
MAID: Mrs Buchner?
LAUREL: Mr Buchner.
MAID: No Mr Buchner.
(HARDY pushes past her and goes in.)
20. INT. PENTHOUSE. SAME TIME
As though he owns the place HARDY throws open every door he sees. Behind the third one is MRS BUCHNER in bed, sitting up and looking very beautiful in a negligee, eating breakfast off a tray and offering a spoonful of soft-boiled egg to her monkey.
21. EXT. SONDRA APARTMENT BLOCK. DAY
LAUREL and HARDY walk out of the building. HARDY pauses on the pavement and furiously thumps his fist against the wall, and wonders what to do next.
Down the road comes a car, a smallish saloon, say a Fiat. It just goes past, but the occupants are featured – ACHERSON and CAROL.
22. EXT. MONTEBIANCA. DAY
The Fiat drives out of the town.
23. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD. DAY
The Fiat in the distance, in bare, hilly country. Its approach is being watched by a BOY. The BOY is with the camera on a hilltop. Down the opposite slope, in the valley, is the village. The car is heading towards the village.
24. INT. CAR. SAME TIME
CAROL is looking at the guidebook.
The road is a very bad one, narrow and rutted. The car bumps all the time and has to go quite slowly.
CAROL: Nice to get off the beaten track.
(ACHERSON is silent.)
It says the views are unexampled by the largest traveller.
ACHERSON: Views of what?
CAROL: I don’t know. Do you want to stop for a while?
ACHERSON: Why?
CAROL: Why? We’re supposed to be on holiday. What’s the matter?
ACHERSON: Nothing’s the matter. I’m not in a holiday mood. Besides, I’m combining it with business, aren’t I? I’m taking the little woman on a sales trip. Nice hotel, exotic food, unexampled views, all on the firm. A perk.
CAROL: Who’d send a salesman to Montebianca?
ACHERSON: We would. It’s off the beaten track. Tell me, do you fancy Giles Foster?
CAROL: Yes, I do rather.
ACHERSON: I thought you did.
CAROL: I thought you thought I did. (Pause.) Were you really at school with him?
ACHERSON: Yes.
CAROL: Well, he’s doing quite well. I hope you’re not going to spoil my holiday.
25. EXT. THE ROAD. SAME TIME
The BOY, in the same position, watches the car, which is too far away
to be audible. Then he turns and starts making his way quickly down the opposite slope, descending towards the village.
26. EXT. THE VILLAGE. SAME TIME
The BOY runs into the village. He goes into the bar.
27. INT. BAR. SAME TIME
The bar is almost empty. The boy’s father (BORIS) is the barman. He is talking to the only customer. The BOY goes past them, through a door and then up the back stairs.
28. INT. PHILO’S ROOM. SAME TIME
PHILO is asleep on an unkempt bed in an unkempt room. He obviously has few possessions; but one of them is a monkey. The boy’s knock is heard. The monkey wakes PHILO. The BOY opens the door and comes in.
BOY: Captain! Somebody comes.
PHILO: (Waking) Hah?
BOY: A car comes. You said to wake you any time –
PHILO: Yes. Who comes?
BOY: A car. A Fiat, I think.
PHILO: So?
BOY: You told me –
PHILO: Yes. How many people?
BOY: I don’t know. I was on the hill. I ran here.
PHILO: Of course. My good scout.
BOY: Maybe only a tourist. They get lost.
PHILO: Of course. They will drive through to Zlens. Tell me if they stop, eh? If it’s children in the car it’s all right. Tell me if it’s just men. Anything funny, you tell me, eh?
BOY: Yes, Captain. Who do we wait for?
PHILO: I tell you, it could be a bishop and his grandmother, or the last man in the Tour de Monte bicycle race. But probably there is no need for play-acting. Probably he will look like a debt collector. A debt collector can be any man in a suit and a car. Tell me if it stops.