by Ali Parker
I had already dismissed him before he even finished talking. Holding onto my anger with all the strength I possessed, I kept my eyes narrowed and my tongue sharp.
“I don’t care what you wanted,” I snapped. “I have been independent for too damn long to change it now.”
“You love me.”
My eyes closed. Sharp pains shot through my chest, but I pushed them away. Ryan wasn’t allowed to tell me how I felt.
“I did,” I admitted. “I loved you, but like you said, that was before.”
“You can’t just turn off your heart.”
“Why not?” I demanded. “Why the hell not?”
“Because that’s not how it works.” He sighed. “Sometimes I wish it was, but you know it isn’t.”
Every part of me wanted to run screaming from the restaurant, but I felt like I’d been cemented to the chair. My feet were glued to the floor. No matter how many times I told myself to stand, to run, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him.
“I love you.”
His voice was barely above a whisper, but it floated across the table and buried itself in my heart. Wincing, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block him out. I didn’t want to know how he felt, and I didn’t want him to love me. If he did, it would make it that much harder for me to walk away.
Our food arrived. The waitress set the plates in front of us without a word. When she was gone, I blinked down at the food I’d ordered and felt a wave of nausea roll through me.
“You eat,” I said, rising to my feet. “I have to go.”
“Candice—”
“I believe you’re sorry,” I said. “Ryan, I believe you. Now. But what about next time? I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not you’re telling me the truth.”
“I am.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Candice, I’m not lying,” he begged. “I won’t ever lie to you.”
I turned my body around and stared at the restaurant’s exit. I could see it clearly, leading out into the lobby where all I had to do was cross over to the elevators and step inside. With the press of a button, I could rise into the air and leave Ryan behind. Just like I had when I got on that plane.
“I can’t trust you,” I said without looking at him. “Even if I wanted to, too much has happened. I just can’t.”
“But—”
“I’ve been alone for a long time, Ryan. I’m good at it. Just let me go.”
I took one step forward, but Ryan jumped to his feet to stop me. His fingers curled around my arm. I jerked away and kept walking, my eyes trained on the lobby.
Ryan didn’t follow, though part of me wished he would. I didn’t look back until I reached the elevators. The doors slid open, and I jumped inside, finally letting my eyes return to the restaurant.
I couldn’t see Ryan, but I knew he was still there. In my mind, I pictured him sitting back down at our table, his head falling into his hands.
He would sit there for a few more minutes, wondering what to do next. Then, in time, he would rise to his feet and leave. His feet would carry him out into the streets of Seattle where he would find a cheap hotel for the night, and in the morning, he would be gone. Back on a plane to New York where Paisley and Max were waiting for him.
The elevator doors closed and so did my eyes. Ryan would leave, and when he did, he would be out of my life. Forever.
Chapter 67
Ryan
A sharp ring woke me the next morning. The curtains in my hotel room were pulled tightly shut, blocking out any rays of sunshine that tried to break through. Grateful for the darkness, I rolled onto my side and reached for my phone.
“Hello?” I answered without checking the caller ID.
“Ryan, baby!” B’s voice chimed shrilly in my ear. “How are you this morning? Where are you this morning?”
My stomach dropped. I’d told everyone but Beatrice about my plans. She had no idea I was in Seattle or why.
“I’m out of state,” I said coldly. “Just for a couple days.”
“Oh, a vacation? That sounds wonderful. After all, you’ve earned it.”
I blinked. “I have?”
“Of course!”
I sat up in bed and pushed myself back against the pillows. My head tapped gently against the wall as I leaned my neck back, exhausted.
“What are you talking about, B?” I asked.
“Your work with Candice,” she said simply. “I spoke with Deborah yesterday, and she’s so pleased. Ryan, you did fantastic. She paid us the full amount of the contract and a hearty bonus. It’s incredible!”
“I didn’t do anything,” I snapped. “I already told you. My relationship with Candice has nothing to do with the Romeos.”
“Baby, you’re talking to me here.” B laughed. “You don’t have to hide the truth anymore.”
“I’m not hiding anything.”
“Okay, okay, okay.” She cleared her throat and pressed on. “Whatever your reasons were, you did amazing work, Ry. I am so proud of you.”
I wanted to yell at her, to scream into the phone that I was never coming back to the Romeos, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If I’d already lost Candice, how could I lose my job too?
“Thanks.”
“Oh, baby, don’t thank me!” Her voice was more breathy and dramatic than ever. “You take your time on that vacation. Rest up. Then, when you’re back in town, come see me, okay?”
“Sure, B. Sounds great.”
“And Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you, baby.” She trilled. “You’ve always been my favorite, but now, oh, I have plans for you.”
My chest felt heavy as I wondered what those plans would be. The thought of working for B, even on just one more client, made my skin crawl. Hadn’t the Romeos been the cause of all of this? Hadn’t they backed me into a corner that I couldn’t fight my way out of?
Even as I thought the question, I knew it wasn’t right. The Romeos weren’t to blame. Even B was mostly innocent.
No, it was Deborah Smart that had taken everything I cared about and torn it to shreds.
“I’ll call you when I’m back, B.”
“Have fun, baby!”
We hung up, and I closed my eyes. If I tried, I knew I could get a few more hours of sleep in, but I didn’t want to. With Deborah Smart fresh on my mind, I had to move to keep my anger at bay. In that moment, I’d never hated anyone more than I hated her.
Pushing myself out of bed, I stumbled over to the window and yanked the curtains back. The sun was barely out, only faint rays shooting through a thick layer of clouds. I didn’t mind. The weather matched my mood, and for that, I loved Seattle.
I took a quick shower and threw on some clothes. My hair was still wet when I stepped into the hallway and made my way to the elevators. Down in the lobby, I couldn’t help but search the room for Candice.
My search was in vain. I knew she wouldn’t risk seeing me. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d paid someone off to use a private entrance in and out of the hotel.
The thought made me crack my first smile of the day. It was ridiculous, after all. Candice didn’t even know I was staying at the Crestmont. She probably assumed I’d left last night after she stormed away from me and that I was staying somewhere cheaper.
It had been my first thought when I left the restaurant. The Crestmont was insanely expensive, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Candice was here, somewhere in this hotel, and I wasn’t ready to leave her.
My mind spun as I wandered through the streets. I didn’t know where I was going. No place jumped out at me on my walk, but I kept my feet moving all the same. It was the only thing that helped calm my thoughts.
As morning turned into afternoon, I sought refuge inside a small café. I ordered a cup of coffee and a muffin but didn’t eat a bite. My stomach was a wreck from nerves and heartbreak.
People filed in and out of the café, and my eyes ran
over each one, silently hoping Candice might somehow appear. It was stupid, but I found myself wishing destiny would bring her right to me like the universe actually cared about our screwed-up relationship.
“Are you using this chair?”
I jerked my head up to see a teenage boy standing in front of me. He pointed to the empty chair at my table. I shook my head and gestured for him to take it.
“Thanks, mister.”
He smiled and pulled the chair across the floor. I watched him as he joined a young girl at the table by the window. They sat close together, leaning toward each other like the space between them was painful and they couldn’t wait to close it.
Every time the girl laughed, the boy smiled. His eyes never left her face, not for a single second.
Watching them made my stomach ache. Candice and I had been like that once, in love and carefree. It didn’t last long, but it was strong enough to keep me holding on, to drive me across the country just for a chance to win her back.
I took a sip of my coffee and looked away from the teenagers, deciding it was time to leave the café. Before I stood, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Max’s name blinking up at me
“Hey, Max.”
“Ryan,” he said. “How’s it going out there? Did you find her?”
“Yeah.” I snorted. “I found her all right.”
Max paused. “And? What happened?”
“Nothing good.”
I quickly told Max all about my dinner with Candice. He didn’t speak until I was done, and even then, he stayed silent long enough to make me uneasy.
“What?” I demanded. “What is it?”
“I’m just worried about you,” he said. “You don’t sound good, Ryan.”
“No shit.”
“Maybe you should just come home,” Max said, choosing his words carefully. “If Candice doesn’t want to see you, you can’t force her.”
“I know that.”
“Then, maybe it’s time to let go.”
My fingers tightened around my phone. I pressed it against my ear until I felt pain shoot through my head.
“How can you say that?” I snapped. “You know how much I love her, Max.”
“I know.” Max sighed. “Which is why I’m worried. The longer you hold on to something that’s already gone, the harder it’ll be for you to recover.”
He wasn’t wrong, but I wished he was. I remembered Leslie’s voice telling me to bring Candice back home. She was just as worried about her sister as my brother was about me. Our relationship had taken us down paths we never saw coming, and for the first time, I wasn’t sure that was a good thing.
“Okay.” I sighed and pushed myself back from the table. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I wish I wasn’t,” Max admitted. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, man. When Paisley’s mom left—”
“I know.” I couldn’t stand to talk about yet another woman who had gotten away. “That was different, though. She was a piece of shit. Candice is a fucking goddess.”
“I know.”
Max sounded so sad that it almost made me feel better, like only one of us could be in pain at a time. I sighed and made my way out of the café, glancing back at the teenagers before I stepped onto the sidewalk.
“This fucking sucks,” I told Max. “I flew all the way out here for what? One dinner? I didn’t even get a chance to give her the present I bought.”
“Present?”
“Just some stupid painting I found on the street,” I said. “It reminded me of her, but it doesn’t matter now. She’ll never see it.”
“What do you think she’ll say to her mom?” Max asked.
I blinked. “What? What does that matter now?”
“I don’t know. I was just curious. Seems pretty fucked up that she would interfere again after she and Candice finally worked things out.”
“It’s not just Candice,” I reminded him. “She hired Kason for Leslie, remember?”
“That woman is insane.”
“Tell me about it.”
I couldn’t imagine a time in which I wouldn’t hate Deborah Smart. She’d taken the only woman I truly thought I could build a life with and turned her against me.
But she’d also brought her into my life.
“Maybe she’s not the devil,” I admitted. “Maybe she’s just a parent trying to do right by her kids.”
“Like you?” Max asked.
Smiling sadly, I turned down the first street I found. Max was right. No matter how hurt I was, I was still a parent, and my kid was waiting for me.
“How is she?” I asked. “Does she miss me?”
“Of course, she does.” Max laughed. “Do you want to talk to her?”
“Maybe later.” I wasn’t ready to hear Paisley’s voice. I wasn’t ready to tell her that she’d never see Candice again.
Max cleared his throat. “Are you coming home then?” he asked.
I didn’t know how to answer. Part of me couldn’t wait to get back to Paisley. I needed to see my little girl, to look into her big brown eyes and know that everything would be okay again. But I also needed Candice.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I know I should, but how do I just give up?”
“It doesn’t seem like you have much of a choice anymore.”
My eyes closed as I stopped walking. People passed by me on the sidewalk, but I didn’t care. I could feel them brushing against my arms, but I stayed frozen with my eyes squeezed shut and my chin tilted upward.
As I stood there, soft drops of rain fell over my face. I knew the rainless sky was too good to be true. Only this time, I didn’t rush to hide beneath an awning. I stayed there, letting the water run down my face.
“I’ll leave tomorrow,” I finally said. “Tell Paisley I’ll see her soon.”
Max and I said goodbye, and then I tucked my phone in my pocket and slowly made my way back to the hotel. Candice wasn’t in the lobby, but I wasn’t surprised. I barely even looked for her as I crossed over to the elevators and stepped inside.
My room was on the fourth floor. It was tiny, just big enough for one. When I stepped inside, I fell back on the bed in my wet clothes and closed my eyes. Sleep came quicker than I could have hoped, and when I woke up, my resolve to leave had strengthened.
I booked a flight back to New York for the following morning and began to pack up my clothes. There wasn’t much but as I opened my bag, my eyes fell on the painting I’d purchased for Candice.
The tear on the man’s face once again claimed my attention.
I don’t know how long I stood there, just staring at that single tear, but when the sun finally set outside my window, I hadn’t moved. With a deep sigh, I zipped up my bag and pushed the man and his tear to the back of my mind.
Chapter 68
Candice
I didn’t sleep at all that night. Dinner had ended so abruptly. I stormed across the lobby with so much adrenaline coursing through my veins that it had to go somewhere. I spent the rest of the night sitting on my balcony, staring out over the city, and thinking about Ryan.
So much of me still missed him. If I closed my eyes, I could feel his arms winding themselves around me. His lips had always been so gentle when pressed against my own. But I couldn’t think about that now. The pain was too much.
When morning came, I still wasn’t tired. I knew I should lie down and at least try to sleep, but what was the point? Sleep would continue to evade me. My thoughts were too strong, too powerful to be ignored.
So instead, I stayed on the balcony and stared at Mount Rainier. It was harder to see this morning with the fog and soft drizzle coming down, but it was there in the distance, rising beyond the city like a huge beacon of hope that I never wanted to lose.
My stomach rumbled. I realized I hadn’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. With a sigh, I went inside and ordered room service. It arrived quickly, but I left it untouched, unable to stand the thought of food filling m
y stomach.
Pacing around the living room, I flicked on the TV for a distraction. It wasn’t enough. I saw Ryan’s eyes in everything no matter how hard I tried not to. They were in the green of the trees on the TV, in the subtle lines of the sofa’s fabric, and even in my own face when I glanced in the mirror.
I’d spent all night convincing myself I had done the right thing by walking away from him, but even now, I wasn’t sure.
Unable to eat, I grabbed my phone and went back out onto the balcony. I didn’t know who to call. I just knew I couldn’t spend another second locked in my own mind.
Leslie’s name was the first to catch my eye. I held my thumb over her number, hesitating for a second before I called her. With a deep breath, I put the phone to my ear and waited to hear her voice.
“Before you yell at me,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not going to tell at you.”
She paused. “You aren’t?”
“No.” I laughed. “Why would I?”
“Because I told Ryan where you were,” she said dumbly. “Because I practically kicked his ass all the way to Seattle even though you swore you didn’t want to see him.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“But you did?” she asked quickly. “You saw him? He found you?”
Leslie had never been one to veil her excitement. I could hear it flooding through the phone and into my ear.
“I saw him,” I said. “But don’t freak out. We didn’t talk for long.”
“What happened, Candice?”
The idea of spilling my guts to my sister made me feel weak, and after everything, I only wanted to be strong.
“Let’s just say,” I said, “that I didn’t buy his sales pitch.”
“Pitch?” Leslie scoffed. “Come on, Candice. That man loves you so much. How can you not see that?”
“Because it’s not there.”
“You’re being stubborn,” Leslie said. “And you’re blaming him for things that are Mom’s fault. Candice, he didn’t take the money.”
“How do you know?” I demanded.
“Because I asked Mom.”
My heart raced faster. If Leslie had spoken to our mother about Ryan, what else did she know?