Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

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Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) Page 31

by Marie Jem


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  I drew a bath as soon as I got home and enjoyed the warm, lavender scented aroma. I was too tired to eat, so my dinner was a banana and some almond milk. I went to bed early that night, drained from another great weekend. The busier I kept myself on the weekends, the happier I became. As long as I wasn’t locked up in my place alone and constantly thinking about Alex and Angela, I was fine. My eyelids felt so heavy that I was out like a light bulb only moments after I was in bed.

  I was surprised to have another dreamless night. I was awakened by the morning alarm from an amazing deep and comfortable sleep that I hadn’t had in such a long time. My mind was so clear when I awakened that I wished every morning was like that morning. I realized I didn’t need to drown in a bottle of wine to have a good nights’ sleep. I was in the mood to put a few loose curls in my hair and took more time applying makeup.

  On my way to work, I wondered if it was going to be a good day or a bad day. The traffic was light, so the day seemed to have started off in my favor. I parked my car in the parking structure and walked into the hospital. Laura was surprised to see that I had taken more time to look glamorous that morning.

  “Well, hello there, sexy,” she joked.

  “Oh, stop. I just felt like a mild makeover this morning,” I explained.

  “I like it, you look very nice,” she replied.

  The phones were ringing off the hook for Walter that morning. He had a lot on his plate and I could tell he was very stressed. I told Laura if I hadn’t given her the spa certificate on Saturday that I would probably have given it to Walter because he seemed as though he could use a spa day.

  Around noon, I walked to the cafeteria to grab some food, since Laura wasn’t going to be able to join me for lunch that day due to a meeting she had to attend. I ran into Alex who was grabbing a soda before he had to head to the clinic.

  “Hey,” he said, approaching me.

  “Hey yourself,” I replied.

  “Melissa told me she ran into you on Saturday,” he said.

  “Yes, she did. It was really good to see her,” I replied.

  “You look great, Claire. You look happy,” he noted.

  “That’s probably because I am happy,” I replied. I wished I could say the same for him, but he was still a mess. He needed to shave badly. He was very overdue for a haircut and had dark circles around his eyes. He still looked very attractive as the mess that he was.

  “I’m glad to hear that, Claire. Listen, there’s this charity event, which is hosted by one of the cleft palate foundations that I’m a part of. They have a big fundraising banquet once a year and it’s this Saturday. If you’re interested, I could give you the information and you could meet me -,” he stopped when I interrupted him.

  “Oh, I can’t this Saturday because I’m going to a Halloween party. Perhaps you could give me information on where to send my donation. I would be more than happy to donate,” I replied.

  “I see. Well, enjoy your party. Don’t worry about it, I will donate on your behalf,” he said, his face saddening suddenly.

  What I really wanted to say was I’m sure your wife could donate something, but I didn’t want to open that can of worms. I paid for my lunch and took it back to my desk and worked away as I ate. That day was really turning out to be a nice day. I hoped for many more days similar to that. I told Laura about my conversation with Alex in the cafeteria and her eyes widened.

  “Who are you and what have you done to my sweet friend Claire?” she joked.

  “I’m healing, Laura, and it feels indescribably amazing,” I replied with a big smile on my face.

  “I know it made you feel great to say those things to him, but don’t you think you’re being a little too harsh on him? It’s not exactly what you said to him, but how you said it. Actions speak louder than words, Claire. Being mean to him may help you heal your wounds, but it’s hurting him and it shows from his appearance that he’s very unhappy,” she advised.

  “You think I was too harsh? Yeah, maybe I was,” I rubbed my chin, recalling how I had spoken to Alex in the cafeteria. Snapping at him was my way of making myself feel better. I hoped that I wasn’t turning into Taryn. I decided to text Alex and apologize for the way I had spoken to him, all else aside.

  I’m sorry if I was really rude to you in the cafeteria. I guess it’s just my way of retaliating. Good luck with the fundraiser on Saturday.

  I showed Laura the text I sent and she agreed that I did the right thing. He may have been the bad guy in our relationship, but Laura was right. I didn’t have to be evil. He returned the text right away.

  No problem. I didn’t take it that way. Thanks for the wishes. So, who’s Halloween party are you going to on Saturday?

  Of course he had to know where I was going and whom with. Laura advised me on what to respond.

  A friend invited me to their friend’s party.

  Is it motorcycle guy’s party?

  No it’s not and why does it matter who is hosting the party or who invited me? A friend invited me to a party and I accepted. Please let go of this obsession you have of the motorcycle guy. He is my friend.

  I get the message. No need to elaborate.

  He made me so angry when he tried to control me when we weren’t even together anymore. I didn’t care what parties he was going to or who he was going with. He was my past and I had to focus on my future.

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  Five o’clock came around and I hurried to change into my dance clothes and drive to the studio. The dance class had perfect timing. I took out so much of my frustrations that night. Kristen was shocked at how much I had sweat and so was Stefano. I lied and said I was working harder to fit better into my Halloween costume. I didn’t want to talk about Alex.

  “I can’t wait to see this costume,” Stefano said.

  “It must be something really sexy,” replied Kristen.

  “I’m not going as a stripper, I promise,” I said and we all began to laugh. “Now I have to go home so I can shower,” I said and left the studio.

  On my way home, my brother Calvin called me.

  “Hey sis, how are you? Guess what? I set up a dinner at mom and dad’s house for next Friday evening. I told mom I would call all of you and ask you, so you can mark your calendar. Kyle and Molly are going to be able to make it. Please tell me you can make it or I will reschedule. It’s going to be a very difficult evening for me,” he said.

  “Oh, Cal, you know I’m there. I will be sitting right next to you. It’s going to be fine, don’t you worry. I love you,” I replied. At least I knew what I would be doing the following Friday evening, I thought. We had all been longing for a family dinner and it would be the perfect opportunity for Calvin to come out. I imagined how difficult it was going to be for him to tell our parents. My parents were pretty liberal, but I had no idea what their reaction was going to be to Calvin’s homosexuality.

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  That night was full of nightmares. I had the same nightmare twice and had to get up and change my pajamas due to the excessive sweating. After the second nightmare, I was afraid to go back to sleep. I suddenly missed Alex beside me and the feeling of loneliness returned, followed by tears. I felt as though my heart was going to stop beating from the sadness within. I did not go back to sleep and decided to get up earlier than usual and prepare for work. There were no curls in my hair that morning, and neither was there any special makeup on my face.

  Laura immediately noticed that it wasn’t a good morning for me, “How did you go from such a great mood yesterday to this? What are we going to do with you?” she asked.

  I sighed, “I have no idea, Laura. Nothing makes sense anymore. I wish there was a potion I could drink that would erase the last few months from my memory,” I replied.

  During lunchtime, we decided to go to the Cuban deli. We walked down the street to the deli and before we entered, I noticed Alex and Taryn seated inside having lunch together. I turned to Laura, grabbing her arm gent
ly, “Laura, I don’t want to eat here. He’s here with Cruella Deville,” I said. Laura didn’t make it obvious, but she took a peek and saw them sitting inside. We changed our lunch plans to the falafel place.

  I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it to the ballet class that evening. I worked slowly, the only speed that I was able to push myself to. After the workday ended, I drove straight home. I called Jullietta on the way home and notified her that I would be absent from class that evening because I wasn’t feeling well. Stefano called me moments later. “Hey, my mom said you’re sick today. What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I’m not sick, Stefano. I’m just tired and I’m feeling a little down today. I just can’t pick myself up. I will be fine tomorrow, don’t worry,” I assured.

  “I’m leaving the studio now, if you need anything please let me know. I can bring you food if you want,” he offered.

  “That’s very sweet, Stefano, but I really need to be alone. You understand don’t you?” I asked. “Oh, by the way, could you text the address of the location for the party on Saturday?” I asked.

  “I will pick you up,” he said.

  “No, please text me the address and I will meet you there. I may leave early and you may meet someone. It’s good to have our own cars,” I explained.

  “Okay, that’s cool. I will text you as soon as we hang up,” he promised. Stefano texted the address after we ended our conversation. I didn’t want to hold him back just in case he wanted to stay longer. What if I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to leave early? I would feel very bad if he had to leave because of me.

  I took a quick shower and made myself a hot cocoa and curled up on the couch with a celebrity gossip magazine to occupy my mind. In the middle of the night, I awakened and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch with the magazine on my chest. I headed upstairs and into bed, which felt very cozy that night, maybe because I hadn’t slept much the night before. I surrendered to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

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  The morning arrived rather quickly. I jumped out of bed and showered and headed to work with a protein smoothie in my hand. It was a day packed with unscheduled surprise meetings. I enjoyed those days as the time flew by very quickly, leaving little or no time to think about my personal life. Laura and I ate the leftover food from the meetings since there was absolutely no time to even go to the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat. The physician’s staffing department was very behind also and asked for our help.

  I was grateful when the clock struck five o’clock. I changed into my dance clothes and headed to the studio. Stefano tried to convince me to carpool with him to the Halloween party, but I still declined. “No, Stefano. If we go together then you will use that as an excuse to leave together. My job is to find you a date, remember?” I asked. Class was about to begin, so he didn’t have any further arguments.

  Stefano must have been taking his anger out on us, as he was very harsh during class that night. He made us repeat the same move at least a dozen times and still wasn’t satisfied. I was beyond exhausted and counted the minutes until class was over.

  “See you Saturday if I don’t see you before then,” he said before I left. I daydreamed about a warm bath with lavender oil on my way home. My mother called on my way home to ensure that I would be joining the family dinner the following Friday.

  “Yeah, mom, I will definitely be there,” I replied.

  “That’s perfect. We are finally going to have a quiet family dinner. I’m looking forward to seeing all of you under one roof for a few hours,” she said.

  “Me too, mom. I love you,” I replied.

  “I love you too, sweetheart,” she said.

  As soon as I made it home, I drew the bath I had daydreamed about while driving. It felt so soothing to soak in it after the difficult dance class Stefano had put me through that evening.

  After a long, warm bath, I called Katherine, since she had left a message on my phone earlier that day. She just wanted to know how I was doing.

  “How is everything going?” she asked.

  “Oh, Kathy, I don’t know. I have good days. I have bad days. The bad days are horrible. Sometimes I miss Alex so much that it hurts. I don’t feel the same for Stefano as he feels for me. I wish I did because it would be so much easier that way, but unfortunately life has to be difficult for me when it comes to these things,” I replied.

  “I’m sorry. Don’t worry, you will heal in time,” she replied.

  “How’s everything with John?” I asked.

  “It’s going very good, actually. I’ve been hinting here and there about a ring and marriage. Not too much, but just enough to get him thinking,” she replied.

  “That’s good. You sound happy, so that’s all that matters. Enjoy every minute of your time together. Sometimes I wish I could rewind to the good times when I was with Alex,” I replied, tears building up in my eyes. My heart wanted Alex regardless of his marriage to Angela, but my brain was against it.

  “I could only imagine how horrible that must feel, Claire,” she replied. That night was one of those nights that required a glass or two of wine, just enough to make the sad thoughts vanish for the night. I knew it would all return by morning, but I didn’t care. I needed temporary sanity, even if it were for a few hours.

  It was a night that required Coldplay on the iPod and a glass of wine in my hand, sitting on the verandah in my bathrobe sipping away. I tried filling my head with happy thoughts, recalling the invitation to the Halloween party that Saturday. After the second glass of wine was empty, I decided it was time to head to bed.

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  When I arrived to work the following morning, Laura warned me that Taryn was in Walter’s office again. She didn’t have an appointment, so she had barged into his office as usual. That woman did not know how to follow directions to save her life. After she left his office, Walter called and asked if I could go to his office. I was afraid to find out what she had accused me of that time. I headed to Walter’s office, nervous and my heart palpitating.

  “Good morning, Claire. Have a seat, please,” he said, pointing to the chair. I took a seat and waited to hear what he had to say.

  “Is everything all right with you?” he asked.

  “W-What do you mean? Everything is fine,” I replied.

  “I know, Claire. I’m just asking because it has been brought to my attention that you may have made a comment about another employee’s weight,” he said.

  “What? That’s not true. Is Taryn making accusations against me again?” I asked, furious.

  “How did you guess? She said you indirectly called her heavy. Look, Claire, I know she can be very difficult, but you must be very cautious about what you say to her or around her,” he advised.

  “Walter, it’s not true, though. I never said she was heavy, nor did I ever talk about her weight at all,” I replied.

  “That’s what I thought. I just needed to ask you and bring it to your attention. I cannot stress enough how important it is to watch what you do or say around Taryn,” he said.

  “Thanks, Walter. I would completely ignore her at all costs if I could,” I replied. “I cannot believe she would stoop that low. Well, actually, I can believe it, especially after what she tried to pull with the files last time,” I replied. What was that woman’s problem and what did she want from me? I had nothing that she wanted, especially since Alex and I weren’t even together. She could have him if she wanted to. I couldn’t help but wonder why she was out to get me.

  “Just be cautious, Claire,” Walter advised as I was leaving his office.

  “Thanks for looking out for me,” I replied and headed to my desk.

  Laura couldn’t wait to hear why I had been called in to Walter’s office after Taryn had been in there. I told Laura what had taken place and she was just as surprised as I had been.

  “What the hell is she going to pull next?” she asked. Laura couldn’t stand Taryn even more that I couldn’t stand her, if t
hat was even possible. “I could understand if you were with Alex because she seems to really like him, but you’re not even together anymore. Maybe she’s jealous because she knows Alex is still in love with you. That’s it! She probably tried coming onto him and he pushed her away telling her that he still loves you and that’s what triggered all of this,” she said, very sure of herself. “Claire, it’s obvious he’s not in love with Angela. The only person in this world that he could possibly love is you. That’s why she hates you with so much passion,” she noted.

  “All the more reason for me to try to find another job and get the hell out of this hospital,” I replied. Laura lectured me as usual about the consequences of that especially with the crashing job market. I really didn’t need stress at work and stress in my personal life. I didn’t know what to do after the incident that morning. I felt so angry. She could have him if she wanted him so badly. If she were as twisted as I thought she was, then she wouldn’t mind being his mistress while he went home to his wife every night.

  Laura took me out to lunch that day because she knew I would explode if I didn’t get out of the office. There were no dance classes that evening, so I didn’t have an outlet for all the anger inside me. I went home and changed into my running shoes and went for a long, fast run. I ran more miles than I had since I began running again. I must have run more than eight miles that night. I had so much energy after the run that I returned to the condo and cleaned. I cleaned and scrubbed every surface of that place. It felt good to get all the negative energy out of my body.

 

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