by Sara Arden
“That’s not your fault, honey. You’re—” He’d been about to say she was the best daughter ever, perfect, but then that was putting the same expectation on her that he’d found too heavy a burden on his own shoulders. He couldn’t be the perfect father. He couldn’t be the perfect anything, but then again, no one could. “You’re just fine. Nothing you did could change what happened to your mama. Or to me.”
“Then why are you leaving us?” If she’d been an adult, he might have thought she was being manipulative, but this was just a question from a child who didn’t understand all the changes in her world.
Gina watched him expectantly.
“I have work. It’s just for a little while.” What was he doing? This wasn’t helping anyone. This wasn’t helping him, this wasn’t helping her.
“It’s forever. I know it’s forever,” the little girl cried and clung even more tightly.
“No, it’s okay, Amanda Jane. I won’t go.” Even as he said the words, he knew they weren’t the right ones. He was such a failure. He couldn’t stand to see her in that kind of pain, that afraid. When all he had to do was say a single sentence and it would make it all stop.
“I want you to stay with me while I sleep.”
He tucked her into the bed.
Damn you, Gina mouthed.
That’s for sure. He was damned and so were they.
Gina turned and moved toward the door, but Amanda Jane stopped her. “You, too, Gina-bee. Stay.”
“Honey, I—”
Amanda Jane looked up at her, a pleading expression on her face, and lay down on the opposite side.
“It should be like this,” she said authoritatively.
Reed watched Gina over his daughter’s head, and there were tears in her eyes, but he knew she was more angry than hurt. He didn’t blame her. She had every right to be. He’d made promises he knew he couldn’t keep.
Amanda Jane tucked her bear in next to her, and linked one hand with Gina’s, one with his, and then joined them over her, wrapping herself in the place she felt safest.
Gina’s glare bored into his head, but he couldn’t say that he didn’t deserve it.
He fell asleep like that, with Amanda Jane between them, and when he awoke, the bed was empty.
Reed padded downstairs to the kitchen and found Gina drinking a cup of coffee and reading on her e-reader.
He didn’t speak. He wasn’t sure what to say.
But she did it for him.
“Amanda Jane is playing in her room. We need to talk about last night.”
Her spine was board-straight, and her eyes flashed fire.
“What’s there to talk about?” This thing was broken and there wasn’t any way to fix it, feelings aside.
“Oh, I don’t know. The part where you’re abandoning your daughter. You know what?” She stood and put her hands on her hips. “I don’t care what happens between us. You don’t want to be with me? Fine. We’ll pretend all of that never happened. But you will not bail on Amanda Jane.”
“It’s the best I can do for her.”
“No, it’s not the best you can do for her. God, do you know that’s what Crystal said to me? It’s the best she could do—leaving us. Telling her sweet little girl that she didn’t want her.”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” He was horrified that she would think that, but maybe that was what it sounded like.
“Actions. Actions speak louder than any words you could ever say. It doesn’t matter what you say. She’ll just know what you did.” She put her coffee cup down. “If you fight me on this, I’ll take you to court for breach of contract. Both of our parts are all laid out in the document you had me sign. I had Emma go over it this morning. You. Will. Not. Leave. Her.”
There was a part of him that was gleeful, happy that he couldn’t do the right thing. Happy she’d fight him. He knew that was wrong, sick. Just like he was.
“If you feel that strongly about making a man stay where he doesn’t want to be.”
He shouldn’t have said it, he didn’t mean it. He was lashing out because all of this hurt too much. He couldn’t get away from it. But the look on her face as his arrows struck true, it made him sick.
Reed didn’t want to hurt her. He’d tried to love her. He’d failed at that, too.
“I do.” She lifted her chin. “You made this bed. You lie in it.”
She slammed out of the kitchen and went upstairs, stopping as she went.
God, the fire in that woman. It made him love her even more.
He decided to call Gray and see if she really did have him by the balls with the contract. Gray was the one who’d drafted it, and he was sure he could get him out of it.
Except that was the bitch of it. He didn’t really want out of it. He just wanted to do the right thing. He wished that Gina could understand that.
He supposed maybe she did, but their definition of what the right thing was happened to be two different things.
He dialed Gray.
“Do you need bail?”
“No,” Reed replied. “Why would you ask that?”
“Then I’m having breakfast. Let me call you back.”
“Actually, it’s about that contract.”
“I thought that was all hammered out? You signed it. She signed it. It’s filed. Done,” Gray said.
He thought he could hear a woman in the background, but Reed wasn’t sure. “What if I wanted to dissolve it?”
“You did not just say that to me. I didn’t hear it.”
“Why not?” Gray had never put him off before.
“Because I’m...busy. With someone I can’t talk to if I heard that.”
“You’re always bus—Emma’s there?” he said as the epiphany hit.
“I just got her to agree to breakfast.”
“Emma knows. Gina said she went over the contract this morning.”
“She most definitely did not. She’s been with me since dawn. We went fishing.”
“Fishing?” Reed wasn’t sure he understood.
“You know. Out in a boat. With poles. Worms. Coffee. Fishing.”
“I didn’t know you were into that.” Reed breathed and laughed. “Well, here’s the thing. I need to know if I can get out of it.”
“I can get you out of anything,” Gray said with pride. “But I don’t know how easy it will be. Gina is determined to make you stick to the parameters?”
“Most determined.” He found himself smiling, even though he knew he was chasing after his own heartbreak.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You’re going to, anyway.” He didn’t really want to talk about it.
“Why do you want out?” Gray asked.
“Because I love them.”
“That doesn’t make any sense to me, man.”
“I fucked up, okay?” he confessed. He couldn’t bear to speak of his failure again.
“I’ll be over.” Gray’s tone was grim.
“No, that’s fine. Whenever. Enjoy your time with Emma. We can talk later.”
“Look, I’m your friend too. Not just your lawyer. What happened?”
He didn’t want to hammer over it again. “Things just got a little heavier than I expected.”
“Far be it from me to judge you, but do you know that you sound like the biggest douche bag right now?” Gray said.
“Yeah. But it’s for a good reason.” Wasn’t it? What had happened... Maybe he was being an asshole. Maybe this wasn’t about him at all, but he was trying to punish Gina for not living up to the ideal he’d built in his head. She was a real woman with faults and weakness. It wasn’t fair to hold her to a higher standard.
He thought that he knew himself, but maybe he didn’t. Mayb
e not as well as he thought.
“No, it’s not. I’m coming over. Right now.” The line went dead.
That wasn’t the reaction he’d been looking for. He’d hoped Grayson would go piranha and untangle him from this, but that didn’t seem to be the case.
He put his head in his hands.
Why wouldn’t anyone let him fix this? Why couldn’t they understand this had all been a mistake to start with? He knew leaving would hurt Gina, hurt Amanda Jane and most of all, it would hurt him. It cut him so deeply, the thought of not being with them, not seeing them.
But after last night, he knew he couldn’t be trusted.
Maybe if even his lawyer was trying to talk him out of it, maybe it was a mistake, after all?
He kept thinking about Gina, about the fire in her eyes, the pain...
Reed was still sitting there in the clothes he’d worn last night, hair mussed and bleary-eyed, when Gray came through the door. He didn’t bother to knock. Surprisingly, he had Emma in tow.
She was wearing shorts and wading boots. “Not one word from you about the boots.” And she tromped up the stairs. “I’m getting Gina and Amanda Jane and taking them out.”
“When did you two become a unit?”
Gray paused. “We’re not a unit. We’re friends.”
“You. Friends. With a woman?” Reed didn’t think his eyebrows could get any higher. Grayson wasn’t the type to be friends with a woman. He liked women, to be sure. Just not more than once.
“Screw you, Reed.” Gray rolled his eyes. “Come on. Let’s go get some breakfast since you interrupted the catching of mine.”
Reed allowed himself to be pulled out to Gray’s car and they found themselves at a hole-in-the-wall diner outside of Highway 5.
It was one of those places that would either be the best food you’d ever had, or the worst and you’d find yourself in an emergency room two hours later begging for death.
But those were his favorite kinds of places. He liked the realism and it reminded him of where he came from, but in a good way. Not all that he was lacking, or all the ways he’d failed, but all the ways it could be good, too.
Like the food.
It was a roll of the dice and sometimes they rolled in his favor.
“So tell me why and how you’ve lost your mind,” Gray said after they’d gotten their coffee.
“I think I just got some clarity.”
“That you couldn’t have had a few weeks ago when you started all of this? Come on. It’s not like you to run away.”
That rankled. “I’m not running.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No.” Wasn’t he?
“Really?” Gray eyed him.
“No. I just realized I’ll never be better than this.”
“Christ, man. We all have our faults. We all have our failings. Do you think Gina is perfect?”
“Yes.” Even though he’d told himself she had her own weaknesses, he never could see them. In his mind, if she hadn’t told him, hadn’t consulted, it was because she found him lacking. That’s where all his pain was coming from—because he believed she was right.
“Oh, hell. You’re screwed, you know that, right?” Gray nodded emphatically. “She’s obviously not perfect if something she did made you angry enough or hurt you enough—”
“I don’t want to deconstruct my feelings.” Reed took a gulp of the black brew.
“Maybe you don’t want to, but if you don’t, you’re going to ‘deconstruct’ your whole life. You’ve got a good thing going. You’ve been happy. Have you told her you love her?”
Reed didn’t even bother to deny that he was in love with Gina. “Yes.”
“And? You’re killing me here.”
“And she loves me. That’s why I know I’m bad for her.”
“Oh, come off it. Really? I’m going to save you from yourself? She’s a smart woman. She’s been taking care of herself and your daughter for a long time. That’s a cop-out.”
“It’s the truth,” he said vehemently.
“It’s the truth that it’s a cop-out? Yes.” Gray nodded.
“Stop debating with me and just fix it.”
“I’m trying,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing and Reed was too slow on the uptake to comprehend it.
Reed narrowed his eyes.
“Look, are you sure this is what you want to do?”
No, he wasn’t. But he knew it was what he should do. “I just want to do the right thing for her and Amanda Jane.”
“Don’t you think being present would be kind of helpful?”
“No, I don’t.”
Gray gave him a look of utter contempt. “Breaking a little girl’s heart isn’t going to help anyone.”
Reed’s guts were twisted from the inside out. “I love them.”
“Then be there. Be a father. Be a husband.”
He finally found the words he’d been looking for. “I’m afraid. I don’t know how.”
“Of course you are. If I was in your position, I’d be pissing my pants.”
“I’m afraid that my daughter will see me as the way a man should be. If I stay in her life she’ll end up with someone like me.” There was nothing worse than that to his way of thinking.
“Is that so bad? You pulled yourself up out of nothing. You built an empire. She has all the advantages now. So just imagine the things she can do.”
He and Gray came from the same dark pit, but Gray used every hash mark against him as a ladder to climb to something better. He was one of those people who was convinced he’d win no matter what odds were in his way.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Who does?” Gray shrugged. “You’ve been bottled up since I met you. Always worried about someone stealing your hoard and now you have someone you want to give it all to, but you won’t. This makes no sense to me. It’s okay to be happy, Reed.”
“Is it? There’s a part of me that thinks if I’m happy, that it’ll somehow bring my good fortune to the attention of the universe and the powers that be will realize their mistake and snatch it all away.”
“So why not enjoy it while you have it rather than throwing it away?”
“I don’t want to break her.”
“Gina or Amanda Jane? You know, it doesn’t matter. They’re both made of stronger stuff.” He ate a piece of bacon.
Reed looked at the food in front of him and thought about rolling the dice, not just for the meal, but with everything else he’d been given. If only he hadn’t run away from Gina last night. Even if he wanted to stay, he couldn’t take back the words he’d said. He shouldn’t.
Because no matter how he felt, he couldn’t stop thinking about what she said about their future together. About no matter how happy they were together, she’d always wonder. He didn’t want that for her or for Amanda Jane. And it didn’t matter how good he was, if he never stumbled again, and still, it would be there in the back of her mind—a lurking darkness that shadowed everything.
“You know, if you really want to make her draw her line in the sand, you could propose a real marriage. Tell her to make it real, or you’re out.”
“Excuse me, what?” Reed coughed and barely managed to swallow.
“She wants to push, you push back. She wants you to stay, she wants you to keep to your end, ask her to put her money where her mouth is.” He chewed as if he hadn’t just suggested the apocalypse.
“She just lost her sister. This isn’t really the right—”
“It’s the perfect time. Because it sounds to me like Crystal gave you all to each other. This was what she wanted for all of you. And if you’re serious about getting out of the contract, make her see why she should let you.”
“I still d
on’t understand your logic.”
“If you’re good enough to be Amanda Jane’s father, you’re good enough to be Gina’s husband.” He shrugged.
He shoveled a bite of egg into his mouth. “A real marriage? I don’t know.”
“It will make your point.”
“And what if she says yes?” The thought both thrilled and terrified him.
“Then you’ll still get what you want, only this time, it’ll be what you really want. Not what you think you’re supposed to want.”
Gray’s words startled him because really being married to Gina was exactly what he wanted. “This is insane. I can’t—”
“Just think about it.”
That was the problem. He had thought about it. So had she. They’d come up empty. “Is that what you would do?”
“Hell, no. I’d have sued for sole custody. But I’m a hateful bastard.” Gray grinned. “I know that girl loves you. If you let yourself, you might just get everything you ever wanted.”
Reed seriously doubted that kind of thing had ever been in the offing for him.
But not Gina. Not Amanda Jane.
Only, there was this new track in his head and it wasn’t as loud as the other one, but it asked him what if he really was what they wanted? What if it was Reed they’d been missing?
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
GINA WISHED THAT she could be more like Reed. That it could be so easy for her to forge ties and to break them. He was willing to throw everything away and not look back.
When she’d told him that she didn’t care about how things went between them, that had been the biggest lie she’d ever uttered and it had tasted the most foul on her tongue.
A knock on her door startled her. “It’s me,” Emma said.
“Come in.”
“Say nothing about what I’m wearing,” her friend warned.
Gina looked her up and down. “I’m sure there’s a story there somewhere.”
“There is. But today isn’t about my story. It’s about yours and Reed’s. And Amanda Jane’s.”