by D. H. Starr
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
secluded himself from everyone. He sat by himself in classes, ate lunch on his own, and remained silent during practices.
Over the next couple of weeks, Derek became more and more withdrawn, but he made sure he still appeared cheerful when he was around people. Practices were the only time when he actually felt it was safe to push his defenses aside.
Concentrating on his body, the interplay of his mind and his muscles, improving his technique, were things that he could focus on and do without emotion. These were physical things that he could improve upon alone. It was simple mechanics.
Put this arm here. Move my leg this way. Next time lower my body a couple of inches. Even Scott's presence wasn't enough to distract him from his focus during practices.
On Monday, the week before division, Beck asked Derek to eat lunch with her in the senior lounge. It was usually empty during the senior lunch period and would give them a chance to talk alone. Not liking the serious tone in her voice, Derek agreed hesitantly. Once they had grabbed their lunches, they headed to the senior lounge and settled into two seats by the window. Derek took a big bite out of his sandwich and watched the snow lightly dance through the air, drifting to the ground and forming a thin white blanket over the grass and fallen twigs. It was a peaceful scene.
Beck sat silently, looking out the window as well. As she chewed her food, she rubbed her nose, a sign Derek had learned over the years meant that she was considering how to begin a difficult conversation. "Derek, I have been really worried about you." Another scratch to her nose. "Not just worried. Disturbed."
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Derek turned to face Beck. He knew something like this was coming, but was surprised at the conviction in her voice.
"What are you so worried about? I've told you a million times.
I'm fine."
"I know you have. And, by all appearances, you seem to actually be fine. But I know you, and I don't think you are fine at all." Beck pressed her lips together, taking in an audible breath through her nose before continuing. "I'm not worried that you're sad, or depressed, or obsessing. Actually, I'm worried for exactly the opposite reason. You're too controlled. Too calm. And not sad, depressed, or obsessing at all." She took a sip of her milk. "I can't believe that I'm going to say this, since all year I've been telling you to be careful, but I'm worried that your defenses are going to ruin all of the progress you have made this year." Derek didn't understand and his face must have revealed his confusion. "Okay, let me try to explain it a different way. I am still concerned that you need to be careful, but for entirely different reasons than earlier in the year."
Derek was genuinely interested to see where Beck was going with this and put his sandwich down. "Beck, what are you talking about?"
"At the beginning of the year, you became immediately infatuated with Scott." At the mention of his name Derek tensed and Beck remained silent to see how Derek would react. "Please, Derek, let me say what I have to say. If you don't want me to I won't, but I really need to tell you why I'm worried about you."
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Derek's shoulders slumped in defeat. He couldn't deny his best friend anything when he knew she clearly needed it. "Ok, fine."
Relieved, Beck continued. "At the beginning of the year I told you to be careful because I saw you opening yourself in a way I had never seen before. Well, I had seen it, but only privately with me. But I had never seen it in public, let alone at school. I was worried that you would move too fast, read too much into things that I didn't know were there in Scott, and ultimately hurt yourself, making this year a terrible experience for you. I was worried that if you got hurt by exposing yourself to ridicule the first time you showed a sign of interest in another boy, you may never be willing to open yourself up to those kinds of feelings again. Are you following my line of thinking so far?"
Derek dutifully summarized her statements. "I was whipped. You freaked because you thought everyone would find out I'm gay. So you told me to be careful."
Beck shook her head. "Okay, I'll allow the oversimplification, but only because I have a bigger point to make. I think you get that I had specific reasons for telling you to be careful at the beginning of the year. But now, I am even more concerned about you than I was before."
Derek looked at Beck with genuine confusion. "I don't understand. You wanted me to be careful. You said I needed to keep my defenses up. I didn't and look what happened.
You should be happy that I figured out that you were right before anything really damaging happened."
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Beck sighed. "That's exactly what I said. And it's what I truly believed. But I don't think I do anymore." She placed her hand on Derek's leg and waited until he was looking directly at her. "Ever since that morning when you and Scott had your fight...broke up I guess...your guard has come back stronger than ever. It's like a force field you have built around yourself, preventing feelings from getting in or out. That's not good, Derek. You need to feel this. You need to let yourself hurt. You love Scott and if you don't allow yourself to feel angry and sad and hurt, I'm afraid that you may get used to protecting yourself from feeling things whenever the going gets tough."
Derek understood what she was saying, but didn't want to face it. To face that truth would leave him exposed. To consider that his behavior now which was the only thing holding him together could have a long-term impact on his ability to feel in the future was too scary an idea to consider.
Not while he was still so miserable. "What? Are you trying to say that you want me to be hurt and sad?"
Beck was unfazed by Derek's choice to selectively choose the most negative aspect of what she had just said. In fact, Derek noticed that a small smile had crept over her lips. "No Derek, of course I don't want you to be hurt and sad. But I do want you to feel! I want you to remember how wonderful it felt to be with Scott. I want you to remember that your heart became fuller than I have ever seen it. Allow yourself to cry.
Hell, punch walls for all I care. But don't bottle your feelings up and pretend they aren't there. Whether things work out between you and Scott or not, you are the one that I love.
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You're too good a person to close yourself off now that I have seen how wonderful you are when you open up. If it's not Scott, it will be someone else who will win your heart and cherish you the way you deserve. I don't want you to be closed to that when it comes along because you are afraid of feeling like you do now."
Derek's mind replayed the year in fast-forward. He remembered first seeing Scott, the weeks of trying to figure out if Scott was gay and whether he could possibly return his feelings, their first kiss, their runs together, the attic...the Foot Bridge.
The image of the Foot Bridge brought his inner movie to an abrupt halt. Scott's words at the Foot Bridge had been a turning point for Derek. That moment had embodied the combination of Scott's ability to express his thoughts and feelings, and the strong, confident person that Derek had fallen in love with. It was when he realized that Scott was more than a physical body for him to share experiences with.
He was someone who saw the world as Derek saw it, with optimism and naive idealism.
At the same time, it was the moment that Derek realized that the differences between the two of them were what made them such a perfect pair. Scott's self-assurance and his ability to put his emotions into words, was the perfect balance to Derek's rational stability. Derek had the foundation of having lived in one place and having parents who were proud of his accomplishments rather than constantly pushing for a perfection that he would never attain. Scott had the confidence to be himself. If it hadn't been for Scott, Derek 279
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never would have lowered his guard and allowed himself to experience everything that he had with Scott.
What started as an image in his mind of Scott and the feelings he and Scott had shared, turned into a feeling of what he and Scott no longer shared. Like a knot was tied around his heart, it tightened minute by minute. He imagined Scott's lips against his and the arousal that he felt each time Scott smiled his crooked grin or bit his lower lip. Their shared dedication to wrestling and the sense of pride at a move executed perfectly or a match fought for and won. The alignment of their thinking, despite the different ways they expressed themselves; Scott with words and Derek through music. And, like a wave washing over him, he began to drown in the knowledge that he couldn't have that with Scott anymore.
As these feelings bombarded Derek one after the other, his heart began to beat faster and his breathing became shallow.
His lungs constricted, limiting his ability to take in air, and his vision became blurry. His eyes began to sting as he felt a burning wetness in them, and then streaming tears as they poured down his cheeks. He hadn't noticed that Beck had moved, but became suddenly aware that he was being held tightly. Allowing Beck to pull his head to her chest, he rested against the warm softness of her body as he was racked by sobs. Beck rocked him, whispering, "I'm here. I'm here." Until his crying had subsided.
* * * *
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When Derek got home from practice, his parents' car was not in the driveway. Entering the house, he found his dad sitting at the kitchen table. "Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?"
His dad looked up when Derek entered the kitchen. "She went out with one of her girlfriends tonight. I was thinking we could go grab a bite to eat. Your choice. What do you say?"
"Sure, sounds good." The day had been draining for Derek.
Having an easy evening with his dad who rarely engaged him in serious discussion seemed like the perfect remedy for his overwrought mind. Grabbing their coats, they headed to Derek's car. "Hmm, why don't we go to Bisuteki?" Derek thought that watching the chefs chop and demolish food before his eyes on the stove-top tables would be the kind of aggression that would make him feel better.
"Good choice. Your mom will be upset with the amount of salt I'm about to eat, but she's not here right now. Let's go."
His father smiled, enjoying this passive form of resistance against his mother's insistence on healthy eating and obeying the increasing demands of his doctor.
Their table was full and the chef put on a good show, tossing shrimp tails into his hat with his knife and chopping onions into perfect rings, stacking them together and sending flames shooting towards the ceiling. They talked about Derek's college applications and the schools he wanted to attend. Derek was hoping to remain local, but did not want to live at home once he began his freshman year. His top choices were Boston University, Northeastern University, and Tufts. Each of these colleges provided easy access to the city, 281
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but they were close enough so that he could come home for his mom's cooking whenever he wanted.
His father became excited as they discussed college life.
"It's the best time in your life, son. No responsibility besides studying. Your first taste of freedom. Tons of kids figuring themselves out all together in one location. You know college is where I met your mom right?" Derek had heard the story of how his parents had met countless times, but he enjoyed hearing it each time it was told. "I was this cocky kid majoring in economics. Your mom majored in English. My crowd dreamed of making their first million by the time we were twenty-five and your mom's crowd dreamed of romance and writing love stories which would be turned into screenplays for movies and television. We were two groups that never mixed.
"But one night, in a bar during our senior year, I was drinking beers and playing darts with some of my friends.
One of them asked me to get another round. When I walked up to the bar, there she was standing behind a couple of larger boys who were ordering drinks themselves. She was standing patiently waiting for a space to open at the bar and looking a bit frustrated. I found the scene to be quite amusing and had a sudden urge to help her order her drinks. I was never one to walk up to the ladies, but for some reason, I just walked right up to her and said, Looks like these guys don't notice that a beautiful woman is waiting to get a drink. Let me help you out. She was suspicious of me of course. Even I realized what I said had sounded like a corny come-on line, but she allowed me to elbow a path to the bar. I stepped 282
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aside, allowing her to order her drinks, and then helped her to bring them to her table where her girlfriends were sitting. She invited me to join them and I was very nervous, but I decided what the hell and joined them."
"What about your friends? Weren't they pissed that you ditched them?"
Derek's father laughed. "The only thing I can remember from that evening after I met your mother, is your mother.
We talked and talked and talked. She was charming and her laugh...it was like an angel's song. I think I fell in love with her right then in the bar that night."
"But your friends. They must have been pissed or worried."
Derek couldn't comprehend just leaving your friends like that.
It would draw so much unwanted attention and drama.
His father considered Derek's question. "Well, I suppose when I was in high school, I felt as you do now. But you'll learn, son, that there are some things that are far more important and rewarding than keeping your friends happy.
Finding your love definitely ranks at the top of that list."
Derek imagined his parents, only a couple of years older than he was right now, meeting each other and falling in love.
Then he thought of Scott, remembering the first time he saw him in English class and his immediate attraction to him. He wondered why it couldn't have been that easy for the two of them. "Dad, after you met Mom, did you guys know right away that you were going to get married?"
Derek's father laughed. "Oh, God no. We had our share of ups and downs just like everyone else. I was very focused and driven with my courses. My dad expected me to join his 283
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stock trading firm once I graduated and put a lot of pressure on me to focus on graduate school. Your mom was much better at enjoying life. She became quite frustrated with me on a number of occasions. There was even one point where she broke things off with me."
Derek was shocked. "Really? Neither of you ever told me that before."
"Well, it didn't really matter. In the end, I smartened up and realized that a lifetime of happiness was more important than a lifetime of luxuries that only money can buy. When I stood up to my dad, telling him that I wouldn't be joining his firm after college, he was furious, but your mom was elated. I proposed to her two weeks later and she accepted. My dad eventually came around. Years later he actually told me that he was proud that I had the courage to stand up to him the way I did. That was just after you were born and he was thrilled to be a grandfather."
Derek smiled. "Wow, that's amazing. I wish you had told me this before. I had no idea."
His dad patted his shoulder. "Things have a way of working out, son. You just have to be patient and you have to follow your heart. That's why your mom and I have been so happy together. We didn't allow other people to dictate our choices.
We chose what was best for us and it has taken us to where we are now...happily married with a terrific kid who is about to head off to college. Quite a ride I must say."
They ate the rest of dinner talking about colleges and about the division championship that coming weekend.
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&
nbsp; When they got home, the car was back in the driveway.
They walked into the house and his mother was sitting in the living room reading. "Did you boys have a nice evening?" His mother glanced first at his father and then at him. Derek could see a hint of edginess in her eyes, which she quickly masked with a smile.
His dad walked over to his mother and leaned over, giving her a lingering kiss on the lips. She blushed. "Yup, dinner was great."
"Where did you guys go?"
Derek walked over and kissed him mom on the cheek. "We went to Bisuteki. It was fun."
His mother shot his father a disapproving glance. "Henry!
Bisuteki? I leave the house for one evening and off you go, like a child, to a restaurant I would never approve of. How much soy sauce did you use?"
His father laughed. "Enough."
As his parents bickered, Derek felt a warm feeling of comfort. He walked up to his room to get started on his homework. Once finished, he listened to his iPod and fell into a calm and restful sleep for the first time in weeks.
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Chapter 18
Derek woke the next morning, free from the physical and mental weariness he had grown accustomed to. Hopping out of bed, he took notice of little things like the hot water on his skin when he took his shower or the smell of breakfast in the air as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen. Having been so absorbed in his problems, it came as a shock to him that he had ignored the things he had always appreciated.