Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Small details invigorated him: the cloudless day; the crisp, blue sky; the biting winter chill.

  At school, he snuck up behind Beck and grabbed her by the sides. She let out a high-pitched squeal and wheeled around. "What the...Derek, I almost kicked you in the..."

  "Nuts. Yeah, I'm sure." He gave her a big hug. "Let's go to class."

  "You're in a cheerful mood today. Did your parents finally put their foot down and send you to a shrink to put you on Cymbalta or something?"

  "Nice, Beck." Derek linked his arm with Beck's as they walked down the hall. "No, I didn't go to a shrink. I just had a good day yesterday. First a friend knocked some sense into my head and then my dad took me to an awesome dinner."

  Beck squeezed Derek's arm. "Well, remind me to send your friend a box of chocolates for waking the dead. I'm sure she would love them."

  "Who said a girl knocked sense into my head? Sheesh Beck, so presumptuous." Stopping by their lockers to put 286

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  their things away, they then headed to English class. Scott no longer shared the back row with them, choosing an isolated seat to the side of the room. He was already seated when they entered.

  Throughout English, Derek kept glancing in his direction.

  Over the past few weeks, he had made a point of avoiding contact with Scott so it surprised him when Scott made eye contact with him as well. At first, Derek would glance away, but as the class wore on, he allowed himself to linger in his gaze for longer periods of time. Scott's body language revealed a mixture of sadness and regret, but Derek detected something else, specifically in his eyes. Derek couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

  The snickering of his classmates jolted his attention back to the lesson. "Earth to Mr. Thompson," said Mr. Carlton.

  Derek snapped his head towards his teacher. "Huh?" A new round of giggles erupted from his classmates.

  "I was asking you about our book, A Separate Peace."

  Derek's cheeks flushed crimson. "Uh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?"

  Mr. Carlton shook his head. "I'm sure you are probably focused on the division championship this coming weekend, but while in school, please do try to remember we teachers count our victories in our students' academic achievements."

  "Yeah. Of course. I'm sorry." Why is Mr. Carlton making such a big deal out of this? So I spaced out for a second.

  "My question was, why do you think Finny refused to believe Gene when he claimed responsibility for causing him to fall out of the tree?"

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  Derek considered the question for a moment. He had asked himself the same thing when he read that part of the book. He identified with both Finny and with Gene. Finny...the outgoing and carefree friend keeping the peace at all costs.

  Gene...the brooding and reserved loner keeping all his thoughts and feelings closed off. They were two sides within himself. The brooding side constantly urged him to put up his guard. To avoid risks. The carefree side, the side that Scott had brought out in him, pushed him to take chances; chances which led to one of the greatest rewards of his life...and one of the greatest heartaches. His obstinate refusal to allow himself to continue to be hurt by Scott was Gene. His entire high school wrestling career was Finny.

  Scott was Finny through and through. Honest, brave, daring. Only recently, since Scott's father had come crashing down on him had Scott begun to display some of Gene's characteristics. Maybe everyone has a little of Gene and a little of Finny in them. Maybe everyone needs a little of both in order to really live. Ideas raced through his mind, connection upon connection. His response was directed at the teacher, but meant for someone far more important.

  "I think that Finny refused to believe Gene caused his accident because, in his own way, Finny loved Gene. He believed Gene was someone who could let go of his reserved nature, but was afraid to give himself a chance. If Finny accepted Gene's confession, Gene would have become as crippled mentally as Finny had become physically. Finny wanted to believe in Gene, not end their friendship. I think Finny put his needs aside, deciding Gene's were more 288

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  pressing. He wanted Gene to realize his own greatness. The first time Finny broke his leg and Gene visited him in the infirmary, he hinted at his suspicion that Gene had somehow been responsible. The interaction left him with terrible guilt.

  The second time Gene visited Finny, this time at his home, and confessed to causing the accident, it was Finny's second chance to make things right between him and his best friend."

  Derek stopped talking and looked over at Scott, not caring whether his abrupt pause drew attention. Scott had been his Finny. He had drawn him out of his shell and helped him to become fuller and more alive. Now it was his turn to be Scott's Finny. Scott needed to remember how wonderful he was. Not seeing himself clearly, he needed to see his worth through someone else's eyes...Derek's. "Finny ended up making the ultimate sacrifice which finally opened Gene's life to what it could be."

  The class was silent after Derek finished his answer. Derek held Scott's gaze, the expression of awe unmistakable.

  "That, Mr. Thompson, was a very insightful answer. Does anyone wish to comment or add any thoughts?"

  After class, Beck walked with Derek to their second period class. "That was a beautiful answer you gave in class today.

  Was it, by any chance, life imitating literature?"

  Derek allowed a small smile to cross his face. "You know I was talking about me and Scott."

  "So you are saying you want a second chance to give Scott what he needs so you can maintain the relationship?"

  Derek stopped. "Not exactly. What I think I am saying is I realize Scott's needs are more important than my own right 289

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  now. I want a chance to tell him I finally realize I have more supports in my life which help me deal with adversity than he does. I was wrong to put pressure on him when he has nowhere to turn while sorting through all the shit on his plate.

  As much as I don't want to lose what we have...had, I love him too much to continue to make things hard on him. Maybe I need to let him go so he can get through whatever he's going through right now."

  Beck's brow creased. She wasn't sure what had caused such a complete turnaround in Derek. "You figured this out in one day?"

  Derek laughed. "No, I think I've known it all along.

  Yesterday just pushed me to finally see it. Thank you for pulling me aside at lunch, Beck. I needed to cry and to let myself begin to feel again. I'm not going to lie. Being around Scott and not being able to touch him is torture. Hell, we aren't even talking. But I love him and pretending our problems don't matter is pure bullshit." The weight of the past few weeks slipped even further off Derek's shoulders.

  * * * *

  At home, Derek went to his room to drop off his jacket and his bag before heading to the kitchen for dinner. He was surprised to find his mother standing at the entrance of his room when he turned around. "Honey, I'd like to talk to you." She looked serious, but not angry. "Your father had to work late. Tax season. He won't be home for quite some time."

  A slight twinge of panic shot up Derek's spine. Derek sat on his bed. "Sure, Mom."

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  His mother walked across the room and sat on the bed next to him. She clasped her hands and looked at the posters on his walls and the books and trophies on his shelves, the dirty laundry strewn about the floor. "You really should put your clothes in a hamper. You'll ruin them if you walk all over them."

  Derek laughed nervously. "You wanted to talk to me about my dirty clothes?"

  His mother placed a hand on his cheek. "No, of course not." She sat silently on his bed for a few minutes not saying anything. T
he air in the room became thick with anticipation.

  Finally she sighed. "The other night when you and your father went to dinner, I got together with someone."

  "Yeah, Dad said you got together with one of your girlfriends."

  "Yes, I did meet up with a new friend...Scott's mother."

  Derek's heart skipped a beat. "She called me and asked to talk. She's worried about Scott. May I share with you the contents of our conversation?"

  Derek couldn't form words. The list of possible topics his and Scott's mother could have talked about made it difficult to breathe. "S-Sure."

  His mother patted his knee reassuringly. "We had a good conversation, Derek. You shouldn't be worried." He understood she was attempting to calm his nerves, but it didn't work. "She told me Scott's been lonely and depressed ever since winter break. She explained about his father, his demanding expectations, and about the punishments he inflicts. I told her you had already shared some of this with 291

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  me and it seemed to make her feel more at ease to talk freely. She's experiencing terrible guilt, constantly forcing him to replant roots and make new friends. Whenever he begins to settle in someplace, those roots get pulled out from under him and he must start all over again. I can only imagine how she must feel because if I had done that to you...well, I simply wouldn't."

  Derek wasn't sure where this was going. "How does any of this relate to me? I don't understand why Shannon decided to call you and talk to you about all of this. It's not like the two of you are friends. You only talk to one another at meets."

  His mother had anticipated this question. "True. But when we talk it's usually about you and Scott." Derek's heart skipped a beat. "I first suspected she was worried at the Waltham meet." Derek recalled how distracted he had been seeing his mother and Shannon engaged in deep conversation.

  His mother continued. "Derek, I think the reason she called me is because of you." Derek didn't know how to respond. Does she know about us? "One of the things that's comforted Shannon is knowing you and Scott are close. She said he's never become so comfortable in a new place so quickly. He's seemed happier than he's been in many years.

  Since his father prohibited him from any social activities after school and on weekends, she's watched him spiral into a dark depression. She's scared and didn't know what to do, so she called me. I think she was hoping I might be able to help her to figure out how you and Scott could spend time together again."

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  Derek's head snapped to face his mother. "What did you tell her?"

  "First I asked her some questions. Like whether she had communicated her concerns to her husband. She said Ronald is under a great deal of stress."

  Derek interrupted her. "Who's Ronald?"

  His mother looked confused. "Scott's father."

  "Oh. He only introduced himself to me as Mr. Thayer."

  "I see." His mother grimaced. "Anyhow, I asked her if she had talked to Scott about what was troubling him. Apparently, he was very forthcoming." Derek's gut clenched. "He told her it was unfair his father was never around, yet assumed it was all right to treat him like a slave. He feels alienated and alone. He even expressed his anger at her for not fighting on his behalf. Her guilt, I think, is what pushed her to talk to me."

  "He said all of that?" A twinge of embarrassment tugged at the sides of Derek's mind, realizing he had worried Scott would talk about him rather than his own problems. When did I become so egocentric? The world doesn't revolve around me.

  "Oh, he said much more." Derek froze, the concern returning despite the internal scolding he had just given himself. "He said he had never been as upset about moving as when his parents moved him here to Cambridge, forcing him to miss out on his senior year. Meeting you made his anger disappear immediately. He said he's never had a friend like you. He was happy about the move after your first day of school...until winter break. His father's punishment is like 293

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  forcing him to move all over again, but this time, he's facing his new friends even though he can't spend any time with them."

  His mother's hands began to shake a little and her lips began to tremble. Derek placed his hands over hers in an attempt to comfort her. "Don't mind me, Derek. I'm a silly, emotional woman at times and I can't help but feel for the pain of others. Shannon didn't say so, but I got the sense she cares for you very much, Derek. As a mother, I believe the reason she cares for you is because you make her son happy.

  I think," his mother stopped speaking again, words becoming difficult for her, "I think that Scott cares about you very much too. Someone who has been forced to lose people over and over never learns to trust anything can remain stable. But Scott had begun to trust you would be someone who wouldn't disappear. I think Scott blames his father for having to lose you as a friend."

  Derek's emotions flared within him and he couldn't contain his words. "Lose me as a friend. He hasn't lost me as a friend.

  He's the one who shut me out. He's the one who said he wanted his space and asked me to stop picking him up before school and dropping him off after practice." Derek's eyes began to sting.

  As he spoke, his mother silently listened, watching him carefully. Once he finished, she allowed a couple of minutes of silence to fill the room. "You care about him don't you?"

  Derek didn't respond. "Honey, I've watched you grow up.

  When I held you as a baby and listened to your happy giggles, I knew I had brought a bright and cheerful person 294

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  into this world. You've brought happiness, joy, and pride into my life. But as you've grown, I've watched you build walls around yourself. Your father and I talk about it often. But you've had lots of friends, done well in school, and stayed out of trouble, so we just accepted your brooding as one aspect out of many in your personality and didn't consider it something to worry about. I think that was a mistake on our part."

  Derek's mother took his hand and waited until he faced her and was listening. "You keep everything bottled up inside of you and your only outlets are running and wrestling.

  Sometimes people need other people so they can get things off their chest. As a young man about to head off to college, I think it's time for you to face some grown-up facts. Your happiness will not be gained by keeping things in and trying to be who you think others expect you to be. I'm not saying you should be selfish or shouldn't consider the feelings and needs of others. You aren't capable of disregarding others.

  When you keep your feelings in, it can be harmful and unhealthy."

  Derek's body began to quiver, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. His mother allowed him a moment to gain control of himself, and then continued. "Derek, I'm going to ask you a very difficult question, but it's a question that must be asked, and it has to be asked now." She paused and her struggle to find the courage to speak was transparent.

  "Derek, are you gay?"

  Derek wasn't surprised by the question, but the fact that it had been asked out loud left him paralyzed. His hands and 295

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  arms started shaking and his stomach tumbled about, threatening to erupt. Every fear he had held about revealing he was gay bombarded his mind at once: his fears of rejection, disapproval, hatred, and alienation. All of them started circling in his brain. All he could draw the strength to say was, "Yes."

  His emotions burst within him as his whole body shook and he began to cry in earnest. His mother grabbed him tightly, holding him close. He lost a sense of time as they sat, hugging and crying together. Finally, Derek began to regain control of himself. He first stopped his trembling and then, slowly, stopped crying. After a few more minutes of resting in his mother's arms, they drew apart. "How did you know?"
<
br />   His mother smiled, her eyes red and swollen and her cheeks shimmering with her tears. "Oh sweetie. You may keep a lot of things to yourself, but some things you simply can't keep from a mother. We have a way of knowing things.

  I suppose it's because I carried you in my body for nine months and stayed home to raise you. I've had my suspicions for years now, but this year, you lit up. Something came alive in you after you met Scott and I just knew. What I didn't know was how to ask."

  A comfortable silence fell between them, giving Derek a chance to process their conversation. To his surprise, instead of dread or mortification, relief flooded through him. "I've been too scared to tell you. I was afraid you might not love me anymore."

  His mother's lips began to quiver, but she stoically swallowed back her emotions. "Derek, nothing in this world 296

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  could ever cause me to lose one ounce of the pride and love I feel for you. I won't lie, the fact you feared losing my love hurts, but although I call you a young man, you are still a boy. You are my boy and I will always love you. I'll have to adjust and accept that some of the hopes and dreams I've had for you won't come true, but this is not a bad thing.

  Nothing about you is bad. We'll work on adjusting to this together, as a family. Some of my dreams will remain the same. I still want you to find someone to love and who will love you. For some of my other hopes and dreams, like you experiencing parenthood, we'll have to see what happens with those. All parents want their children to be happy and healthy. Our needs are simple in that regard."

  Derek couldn't believe his mother was ticking off each of his fears one by one, like she had a checklist of everything he had ever worried about. He leaned in and hugged her again.

  "I love you so much, Mom."

  Hugging him back, a few of her tears spilled onto his shoulder and soaked through his t-shirt. "I love you, too."