Time On Fire

by Jennifer Cole

  It was silent for a few minutes before Ivan spoke up again.

  “I just got divorced a few months ago.”

  Elaine screeched to a halt. “What?” Her eyes widen at her rude reaction. “I mean, when?”

  “A few weeks before I moved,” Ivan looked down. “My ex-wife and I just got divorced and I realized I can’t stay at our home for long so I sold it, and moved here,” he gestured at his surroundings with feigned enthusiasm. “And I think I made a great decision.”

  Elaine took a step closer before wrapping her arms around him. “I am sorry to hear that.”

  She could feel him shaking his head as he hugged her back. “I guess we’re both sorry to hear about each other’s heartbreaks?” he joked to lighten the mood. She pushed him back and hit him lightly on the chest before laughing.

  They both broke into fits of laughter, earning the questioning looks of the passers-by.

  --

  They continued to contact each other throughout the week. They may be neighbors but Elaine frequently opted to work until late night so they can’t really meet much. Leslie called once to check on how the date went and squealed when Elaine responded with a simple ‘Thank you’ and shouted ‘I knew it, I knew it’ repeatedly until it burned Elaine’s ears.

  The following Sunday, Elaine and Ivan agreed to go to the church together, causing Leslie to get excited upon seeing them.

  She looked at them knowingly and winked at Elaine, who blushed at her friend’s action. Ivan chuckled at the sight but pretended that he did not see it. All of them, including Luis, Leslie’s boyfriend, sat side-by-side inside the church.

  During the mass, Elaine prayed and asked for guidance, if what she was doing was right or if it was too soon to consider liking a different man. When she opened her eyes and looked at Ivan’s direction, she found him to be staring back at her.

  She glanced away and fought down the blush that crept on her cheeks.

  --

  It was a Wednesday night and usually, Elaine would still be at work, doing things that were not really urgent.

  When she got home, it was way too early for bedtime and she found herself thinking of the man living in the unit beside hers. Curiously, she laid an ear flat on the surface of the wall to check for any noises. She didn’t know why but she wanted to check if Ivan was home.

  She could hear a faint sound of music and she thought about it once, twice, and multiple times before deciding to send him a message.

  A few minutes later, there were knocks on her door. Elaine, already clad in more comfortable clothes, welcomed the sight of Ivan carrying chips and soda.

  “Did you bring any DVDs?” She helped him bring the things to her living room and settled them on the coffee table. Ivan reached for his back and pulled out some cases and handed them to her.

  She raised her eyebrows at the choices. “So you’re basically suggesting we watch the whole series of Harry Potter?” She looked at him pointedly.

  Ivan shrugged before making himself comfortable on the couch. “Pretty much,” he grinned.

  In the middle of the movie, they found themselves sitting close to each other, shoulders almost bumping. Elaine looked at her side and it was only a few inches away from Ivan’s. Unconsciously, she continued to stare until he looked back.

  “Like what you see?” he grinned mischievously, earning a smack on his chest.

  “Your scar,” she started, pertaining to a small scar at the left corner of his lips.

  “Ah, they’re battle scars,” he jested. Her forehead scrunched at the vague answer.

  Ivan sighed before reclining fully. “I had a bit of a scuffle last year. I saw my then wife with another man and I confronted them right on the spot. And the rest is history,” he smiled but the bitterness was pronounced.

  Elaine copied his position and leaned her head on his shoulder. It was a bold move and she was holding her breath if the male would shrug her off. However, Ivan lifted his arm and rested it on her shoulder so she could scoop closer. Elaine let the tension seep out of her body.

  “I only have one question,” she said after a while.

  “What is it?” He closed his eyes, hoping that he could answer it whatever the question was.

  “He got it worse right? I mean, you managed to hit his face at least twice? With bruises?”

  Ivan burst out laughing. “Yes, yes, I did. I kicked him in the stomach, too. It was pretty satisfying,” he answered, still chuckling at the unexpected question.

  “Good,” She said before placing an arm over his stomach.

  They watched the rest of the movies in the same position.

  ---

  Elaine was typing her report when her boss approached her.

  “I read your latest report, about the success rate if the company decides to venture in e-commerce.” She waited with bated breath. It was a report she had been working extra hard for.

  “And I can say I’m impressed. I sent a copy to the higher-ups and we just have to wait for their comments,” he patted her on the shoulder.

  Elaine beamed and said thank you.

  “You should continue doing what you’ve been doing recently,” he commented, puzzling Elaine.

  “I mean, you look happier. Whatever the reason is, continue doing it,” he said before turning back to his office.

  Elaine could only think of one big change in her life recently. Biting her lips to stop herself from grinning too widely, she smiled at the thought of a man.

  --

  She was preparing the TV and the player for their usual movie night when Ivan received a call. His expression dimmed and his jaw locked when he saw who was calling but still answered it, walking towards the kitchen for some privacy.

  Elaine, though worried, stayed where she was and fiddled with her own phone. She tried to give Ivan the privacy he needed but was surprised when his voice got louder.

  “I don’t give a fuck about it. I’m deleting your number. Please don’t call me anymore.”

  She could hear the sound of a phone hitting the floor and she scrambled off the sofa to check on him.

  Ivan was staring at the broken device and his chest was heaving deeply. Slowly, she walked towards him and reached for his shoulders. He relaxed at the touch and rubbed a hand on his face.

  “I’m sorry you have to hear that,” he reached for her hand and pulled her closer to him before hugging her waist.

  Elaine put her hand on his hair and carded her fingers through the black strands.

  “It was my ex-wife,” he explained, making Elaine halt her actions for a moment. She only resumed when Ivan nudged her hand with his head. “She was telling me about her wedding in two weeks, and that I’m invited.” He laughed bitterly. “She cheated on me and she had the guts to invite me to her wedding.”

  Elaine, now shaken, fought the tears that are threatening to spill. She can feel the hurt from Ivan’s voice and it was affecting her more than it should.

  She remained silent, listening to Ivan’s breath until he completely relaxed and his breaths evened out.

  The silence was deafening until Elaine had the courage to break it. “Do you still love her?”

  It was a yes-no question but Ivan didn’t respond for the next two seconds, nor even for the next minutes.

  Feeling defeated, Elaine pulled herself from his grasp, ignoring his pleas to make her stay. She collected her things from his living room before walking her way outside and into her own unit. Ivan knocked on her door for a few minutes until she said from the other side.

  “Please. Stop it. I need some time alone.”

  The knocks stopped, and a few seconds later, another door was shut.

  ---

  Just months ago, it was Christian who was the cause of Elaine’s sleepless nights. It was him who was the reason why she cried and continuously asked herself of what’s wrong with her and why do people find it so hard to love her. It was him who was the reason why she didn’t want to wake up to face another day and
tempted her to just laze on her bed, feeling as if all the energy had been sucked out from her.

  But now, just a few months later, Ivan had been occupying her mind much more than she expected he would.

  He is a good man. He’s nice, funny, responsible, smart, and even good-looking -- a complete catch if she dared say. When she first saw him, all sweaty and panting from carrying heavy boxes, she just saw him as just another attractive man who happened to be her neighbor and nothing else. Admittedly, she even forgot about him until their embarrassing encounter at the church. That was how it was, but because of one date, it turned into something more.

  Elaine found herself genuinely enjoying Ivan’s company as they spent more time together. It started from scheduled dates and movie nights until they found themselves into a routine of being together every other day, whether it was to just talk, share about their day, or watch movies.

  It was a routine that they easily adapted too -- they never forced themselves into it nor did they set fixed days and to-do lists whenever they meet. Day by day, Elaine found herself thinking of her ex-boyfriend less, and whenever she did, it was to smile at the memories they shared and never to wallow in the sadness and the gaping hole he made when he left.

  As Ivan made her feel light-hearted, carefree and secured, she found herself forgetting about the heartbreaking nights, about the times when she went back to an empty home, and about the thrown away pictures and gifts. With Ivan, she felt that she could try again, that she could, maybe, fall in love again.

  But it seemed that Ivan thought otherwise. She could still see how hurt he was when he talked about his ex-wife inviting him to her wedding. She could remember how tightly clenched his fists were and how much he was trembling in anger. It was a sight she never expected to see from the usually composed man.

  When she asked that question she wasn’t hoping for an absolute no. They were married and she knew that he must have felt so strongly for her to ask for her hand. But at the least, she was expecting something along the lines of ‘I’m doing fine’ or ‘I’m getting over it’ and it would have sufficed, for her at least.

  If anything, it made her realize how much she was wearing her heart on her sleeve yet again. She wasn’t in love with him, not yet at least, but she knew she was on her way. All along, she thought he felt the same, that he was moving forward and trying to forget his past heartbreak, just like her. Elaine thought that a part of him had thought about her in a romantic way, that she might be someone who he can ideally like, but then again, those were just Elaine’s assumptions.

  The problem with her, as always, were her hopes and baseless assumptions. These always manage to fuck her emotionally -- big time. She just never learned.

  --

  Ivan tried to contact her in the following days but she was resolved on avoiding him for a few days. She was aware that she was being immature but she deemed herself unprepared.

  Every day, she recited every line she could say once they managed to talk. She imagined different scenarios and how she would react to them and what she should say. She admitted, most of her though-of situations were bad. She wasn’t too hopeful that they would be returning back to the friendly yet flirty camaraderie they had formed.

  Elaine was far from being level-headed. When it came to feelings, she was like an open book. She never tried to hide what she was feeling nor did she ever lie about it. So when one day, while standing on the train, hand clasped tightly on the handrail, and a man stood behind her and asked “Will you be my girlfriend?” she broke down in tears and attracted the attention of other commuters.

  Among all the scenarios she imagined in her head, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to show out of nowhere and tell her things she has been wishing to hear for weeks in the middle of a crowded train. She tried to stop her tears but the various emotions overwhelmed her.

  Ivan had panicked, wiping away her tears furiously with his fingers and then the sleeves of his sweater. He was expecting her to shriek or push him away or to give him the finger, but this wasn’t in his imagined reactions.

  When the train stopped at the next station, he gently guided Elaine out and continued hushing her. Her cries were now reduced to sobs and Ivan cursed at himself for making her cry.

  Once she was calm, she smacked him hardly on his chest, before saying a garbled “Yes.”

  For a while, Ivan was confused why she said that but broke into a large grin when he realized the implication.

  Overjoyed, he grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her, right in the middle of the station, with some bystanders looking away from the scene. The kiss was chaste yet sweet. Their lips glided smoothly against each other and for a while, Ivan was tempted to press harder, which was futile when Elaine pushed him.

  “But,” Elaine sniffed and shushed him with a finger on his lips. “Explain.”

  “Could I take you home first? It’s starting to get cold,” he gestured at her working clothes -- a thin blouse and a pencil skirt -- and led them outside and hailed a cab.

  There was a deafening silence throughout the ride home and their way up in the elevator, but Ivan never let go of her hand the whole time.

  He led them to his unit instead of Elaine’s and she was about to protest but he insisted.

  He pushed her until she was seated on the sofa and he sat beside her as closely as possible. She squirmed in her seat and he gave her some space, rubbing his neck sheepishly.

  He reached for her hand and turned his body towards her.

  He started with a deep breath before launching to his long narrative. “That night, when you asked me if I still loved her, I was sure that my answer was no,” He brought a hand up when he saw that she was about to interrupt him.

  He continued once she silently agrees to keep on listening.

  “But at the same time, I can’t say it. It sounds more real once you say it out loud doesn’t it? Am I making any sense?” He chuckled. Meanwhile, Elaine responded that yes, she understands because she felt the same thing with Christian.

  “We were a couple since high school, and then through college. Most people called us the ideal couple and were just waiting for us to get married. It was as if there was no other way out of it but to build our own family. So I did ask for her hand in marriage and she said yes.” Ivan heaved a deep breath, composing his next words in his mind.

  “But as soon as we started living together, something felt...weird. A year later, I realized how used we are to being together. We were so used to seeing each other, to doing things together that it only seemed natural that we got married. I realized that maybe, we took marriage for granted, and it was a hurried decision merely out of obligation because of the people’s expectations.”

  “We started to drift away from each other then. In the back of my mind, I knew she was thinking the same thing. When I saw her with another man, it hurt me -- not because I still love her but because I was at least expecting that we wouldn’t reach that point where we would hide secrets behind each other’s backs -- especially a lover at that.”

  “I saw red and then I found myself furious. I was angry at her but more at myself for letting us be trapped in that situation. When we decided on the divorce, it was heartbreaking but it felt like a burden I never knew I had was lifted from me. It felt liberating.” He paused, tightening his hold on Elaine’s hand. Elaine returned the gesture, egging him to go on.

  “I admit. It still hurts. But not because I still love her but more from the fact that I spent so many years thinking I was happy but realized that I wasn’t. It was hard coming to terms with that: that I forced myself to think that everything was alright when it wasn’t. And then suddenly, she told me the news that she’s getting married and practically screaming at me that she’s found her happiness. I’m happy for her. We’ve been together for so long that I can’t even bear thinking of hating her. But then I thought of myself and my sorry state of a coward who can’t even ask you to be mine and I was enra
ged because I felt that it was unfair. I thought that I deserve my own happiness too.” His voice trembled then and he blinked repeatedly as his eyes began to get misty.

  Elaine knelt beside him and pulled his head to her chest, rubbing his back consolingly at the confession.

  “I’m sorry if I hurt you. Because all these just came crashing on me and I suddenly couldn’t answer. I didn’t know where to start. It felt too much.” She felt a wetness on her arm and hugged him more tightly. If she could only take a part of the pain he was feeling, she would do it.

  “I’m sorry for assuming the worst, and for not giving you a chance to explain.” She muttered, kissing a spot in his head to reassure him that she was there, and she won’t be leaving anytime soon.