by Lynn Austin
“Dr. McGrath, I need you to come!” she begged, tugging his sleeve. “It’s my brother Willard.”
“He’ll have to wait his turn,” one of the army doctors said. “No favoritism.”
James ignored the man. “Where is he, Phoebe? Show me.”
He followed her back to where Willard lay and knelt beside him, feeling for his pulse. When Dr. McGrath gently unbuttoned Willard’s jacket and shirt and peeled them back, Phoebe saw for herself how terrible his wound was. The hole beneath his breastbone was the size of a fist. His abdomen looked large and swollen. James pressed on it lightly, then let go, and Willard startled with pain.
“Help me roll him over a little,” James said. Willard cried out when they moved him. James lifted the back of Willard’s jacket to look, then laid him flat again. “Do you have any morphine?” he asked Phoebe.
She handed him a container of powder, and James sprinkled it into the wound. He stood, motioning for Phoebe to walk with him.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe. Whatever hit him went all the way through. There’s major damage to his liver, signs of peritonitis. I don’t know how he’s still alive.” He stopped walking and turned to face her, resting his hands on her shoulders. “I know how difficult it is when it’s your own family and there’s nothing you can do. … ”He looked away for a moment, then met her gaze again. “Are you going to be all right?”
She nodded. “I knew it wasn’t good. He was coughing blood. I just needed to make sure.” She sounded much braver than she felt.
“Give him as much morphine as he needs.” The doctor squeezed her shoulders, then hurried back to the operating table.
Phoebe sat down beside her brother again and carefully lifted his head into her lap. He was sweating and pale. She bathed his face and neck with water, calling his name. “Come on, Willard, don’t be ornery now. Wake up and say something. It’s me …your sister, Ike.”
He slowly opened his eyes. “Ike?”
“Yeah, you remember me, don’t you? The sister you left behind?” She tried to smile.
“ ’Course I do. But you ain’t supposed to be here. … Thought I was seeing things.”
“No, it’s really me. I’m a nurse, Will. I’m working for the army, just like you.”
He shook his head from side to side, his face angry. “Not supposed to be here. Supposed to be home with Miz Haggerty. Can’t you ever do what you’re told?”
“Not unless you and Junior sit on me and make me. Besides, the army pays me more than Mrs. Haggerty ever would of. They give me food and a place to stay, too.”
He closed his eyes, his anger gone. “Well, I guess that’s okay, then. You’re earning your keep.”
“Want some water?” She held the dipper to his lips and offered him another drink. He coughed most of it back up along with more blood. She wiped his face again. It was as white as flour. “You hear anything about Junior and Jack?” she asked.
“Jack got hit in the leg last year. Took him to some hospital. Junior’s okay.”
“I’ll be glad when this war ends and we can get our farm back from Jeb, won’t you? I hope he ain’t made a mess of it by now or worked those sorry horses of ours half to death. It’ll be nice being all together again, won’t it?”
Willard nodded. “You look different …wearing a dress. Remind me of Ma. … ” His breathing was becoming more ragged. He needed to gulp air between every few words. Phoebe knew he was slipping away, but she wanted to keep him talking, keep him with her for just a little longer.
“I can’t remember our ma at all, can you, Will?”
“She was pretty, like you. … Used to sit …on my bed …stroke my hair …like you’re doing …until I fell asleep. You have her name.”
“Her name was Phoebe?”
“Yeah. Didn’t you know?”
“Nobody ever told me. You all never talked about her much.”
“Pa took to calling you Ike …after she died.”
When he started to close his eyes, Phoebe said, “Hey, did you hear the news? They’re gonna make us a brand-new state next month. They say that the whole western part of Virginia decided not to rebel, so they’re making it into a new state. Bone Hollow is still in the Union. Ain’t that good news, Will? Maybe you or Junior can run for governor.”
“I’m not gonna make it, am I? That’s why they ain’t operating.”
“Sure you are. You got to wait your turn is all.”
“You’re lying, Ike. I always knew …when you was lying.”
“Am not.”
He groped for her hand and gripped it in his own. “Who’s gonna take care of you …if none of us …make it back?”
“I reckon I can take care of myself,” she said, biting her lip.
He smiled faintly. “Yeah, you always could. Don’t you know …a man likes to take care of a woman?”
The tears she’d been holding back finally started to fall as she thought of Ted. “No, Willard, I didn’t know that. Nobody ever told me.”
“Phoebe…?” he said weakly. “I’m sorry we ran off …and left you all alone.”
“That’s okay. I forgive you.”
But as her tears fell on his pale, still face, she didn’t know if her brother had heard her or not.
Chapter Twenty
Philadelphia,
June 1863
Julia stood alone in the vast exhibition hall and gazed at the tattered remnants of the Christian Commission’s fair. The crowds that had filled the building for the past three days had all gone home, the patriotic bunting drooped from the rafters, and a lone worker swept the littered floor with a broom. It was late. The fair was over. It was past time for Julia to go home. They’d collected tons of food and clothing for the comfort and relief of soldiers, and thousands of dollars in donations to purchase Bibles, religious tracts, and medical supplies for the Commission to distribute. She’d worked hard to make the fair a success, and it had filled the void in her life for the past month. But what would she do now that the fair was over?
“Julia?” Nathaniel’s voice echoed in the deserted hall. “Don’t tell me you’re still here? Do you need a ride home?” He jogged up the long aisle toward her, looking as fresh and buoyant as if it were morning, not late at night on the last day of the fair. She marveled at how Nathaniel’s “causes” always seemed to energize him, not deplete him.
“No, my coach is outside,” she said. “I was just leaving. Why are you still here?”
“We were counting the donations. You won’t believe it—more than twelve thousand dollars so far! What an enormous success!” Nathaniel was beaming. “And we owe it all to you, Julia.”
“I hardly think that’s true. There were hundreds of people involved.”
“But you organized all this. And you’re the one who convinced some very wealthy donors to make contributions. None of the Christian Commission’s other fairs have been as successful as this one.”
“That’s wonderful news. I’m glad it went so well.”
“And I’m glad we had a chance to work together for these past few weeks.” His voice grew softer. He stood very close to her. “Julia, this is how I long imagined it would be, having a partner and a helpmeet who would aid me in my work.”
She felt a prickle of irritation, like a stone in her shoe. “I consider this my work, too.”
“I know,” he said, smiling. “That’s what’s so wonderful about it. You’re willing to make my causes your very own.”
He still wasn’t getting it. Julia opened her mouth to explain to him that she would have worked just as hard for the Christian Commission if he hadn’t been involved, but before she could speak, he did.
“You worked so tirelessly for me on this fair. And you were always so willing to do any task I gave you. You truly went the extra mile—even now, staying around to help until the very end. You’re so hardworking and generous and selfless—”
“Please stop. I am not all those things.”
“Did I mention modest, too?
” he asked, grinning. Nathaniel’s charm and natural charisma added to his enormous attractiveness. He was a godly man, a passionate preacher. Julia did not feel worthy of his flattery.
“I’m human, Nathaniel. I make mistakes like everyone else. I sometimes need forgiveness.”
“Of course. We all do.” He was flying high on the fair’s success and doing his best to lift her up with him. But the loss that had shadowed her for so long seemed to drape across her shoulders, weighing her down. “Julia, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“It’s hard to live up to your opinion of me. I can’t spend my life on a pedestal. One wrong move and I’ll fall, and then you’ll see me as I truly am.”
“I have seen you as you truly are, on that hospital ship. And I never saw a kinder, lovelier woman. You’re so different from all the other young ladies at church. None of them would ever be willing to make all the sacrifices you’ve made to become a nurse—to work so selflessly amidst such horror and despair. You are a beautiful person, Julia. I don’t understand why it upsets you to hear that.”
“I miss working at the hospital.” The simple truth surprised her. “Charity work just isn’t the same.” She remembered the night she had helped James operate, the many hours they’d spent together on the wards, battling to save lives. Her eyes filled with tears.
Nathaniel studied her for a long moment, his eyes more gray than blue in the dim light. “Will you marry me, Julia?” he said suddenly. “We could spend our lifetime working together this way. I know we haven’t courted for very long, but I’ve found the woman I want to marry, and I don’t want to lose you. Please say you will.”
Julia imagined herself working alongside Nathaniel as she had worked beside James and said, “Yes. I’ll marry you.”
Two years ago, after her behavior at Bull Run, she never would have believed that Nathaniel would ask. And now he had. Her life with him would have purpose and meaning. She would be more than the porcelain doll on a shelf that Hiram Stone had described. She would be able to forget James, pushing all her memories of him into the past.
Nathaniel smiled broadly at her reply, then sobered. He was going to kiss her. Julia held her breath, her heart racing as she looked up into his handsome face. He rested his hands lightly on her arms and closed his eyes as he leaned toward her. His lips pressed against hers for a few seconds, then he pulled back to look at her.
The kiss had been prim and stiff, as if Nathaniel were pressing a brass stamp into soft wax to seal a letter. It seemed more a sign of ownership than passion. Julia remembered James’ kiss and felt a loss. She longed to put her hands in Nathaniel’s fair hair and pull him toward her, to feel the warmth of his face against hers, his arms surrounding her, holding her close. But he took a step back.
“I’ll need to ask your father’s permission before we can make it official,” he said. “And I want to buy you a ring.”
He reached for her hand and held it stiffly, as if holding a china teacup. His fingers were cool. Again she thought of James, of the tender gesture she’d seen so many times as he rested his hand on a patient’s brow. James had held her face in his hands with that same tenderness the night he’d kissed her. His hands had been warm.
“And I would like to arrange for my father to meet you,” Nathaniel continued.
Julia shook herself. She had just accepted a proposal of marriage from Nathaniel, the man she had loved for all these years. Why on earth was she thinking of another man’s kiss, another man’s touch? A married man.
“I can only afford two or three servants on my minister’s salary,” Nathaniel said. “I’m afraid ours will be a much simpler life than what you’re accustomed to. But I think I know you well enough to know that an extravagant lifestyle doesn’t matter to you.”
“It doesn’t,” she replied, dazed.
“I’ll make an appointment to talk with your father as soon as possible …if that’s okay?”
“Of course.”
“I hope you don’t want a long engagement, Julia. I believe that once you find the person who’s right for you, there’s no sense in waiting. And I think ours is a partnership made in heaven, don’t you?”
She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She couldn’t comprehend that the man she’d long dreamed of had just asked her to marry him.
“Julia, you’re speechless. I hope it’s with happiness?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “It is.”
She wanted him to kiss her again, to erase forever the memory of James’ kiss with a memorable one of his own. Instead, Nathaniel took her arm and led her toward the door.
“You must be exhausted from working these last three days. I know I am. I want you to go home now, dear, and get some rest. Let’s find your coachman.”
Alone in her carriage, Julia realized that Nathaniel had never once said, “I love you.”
“General Lee and his Rebels have crossed the border into Pennsylvania,” Julia’s father told her the next morning.
“Pennsylvania! They’re here?”
“I’m afraid so.” He sat at the breakfast table, frowning as he read the morning newspaper. His food sat untouched in front of him. Julia had picked up an empty plate to fill with food from the silver chargers on the buffet, but she set it down again.
“How close are they?”
“The paper says near Chambersburg. That’s about one hundred and fifty miles from here. Apparently the Rebels are pillaging the countryside for food as they go. Disgraceful behavior!”
“Our Union soldiers are no better, Daddy. I saw what they did to Fredericksburg, Virginia, with my own eyes. It wasn’t even for food. They were just looting and destroying for the fun of it.” Julia also remembered the vicious cannonading that the town had endured and how she had pictured her own city being bombarded that way. “Do you think the Rebels will come as far as Philadelphia?”
“No one knows where they’re headed, but it does look as though there will be fighting on Union soil soon. They’re not too far from Harrisburg.” He folded the paper and laid it beside his plate, then stood. “God help us. General Meade had better do a better job of stopping Lee than Hooker or Burnside or McClellan did.”
All thoughts of her engagement to Nathaniel took second place in Julia’s mind for the next few days as the citizens of Philadelphia held their breath, waiting for news of the Confederate invasion. Nor did Nathaniel have time to approach Julia’s father and make his proposal official as he and his Commission volunteers prepared to ship the goods they had just collected to needy Union soldiers.
On the morning of July 3, Julia and her father read news of a horrific series of battles that had taken place near the little-known Pennsylvania town of Gettysburg. Alongside the reports, the paper printed an urgent plea for volunteer physicians and nurses to help cope with the enormous casualties, estimated to be in the tens of thousands.
Julia didn’t ask her father for permission to go. As soon as he left for work, she hurried down to the Christian Commission’s offices to find Nathaniel. He would likely answer the plea for volunteers and deliver the badly needed supplies to Gettysburg himself. She found him hard at work, his sleeves rolled up like a laborer, loading crates, barrels, and the Commission’s tenting equipment onto a hired dray to transport them to the railroad station.
“I’m glad you’ve come,” Nathaniel said when he saw her. He set the box he carried onto the back of the wagon and dusted his hands on his trousers. “I was afraid I’d have to write you a note. I’m leaving shortly for Gettysburg.”
“I thought you might be. I’m going, too.”
He glanced around as if fearing someone might have overheard, then pulled Julia inside to his office. “I can’t let you do that. It isn’t proper. If we were already married it would be appropriate to have you come along and help me, but we’re not even officially engaged.”
“I’m not going to help you,” she said impatiently. “I’m trained as a nurse. They’re calling for volunteers. I’m going t
o help care for the wounded.”
“No. I can’t allow it.”
Julia stared at him, dumbstruck by his refusal. Why was he forbidding her to do the very thing he’d once claimed to admire? And what right did he have to forbid her to go in the first place?
“You are not my husband yet,” she said, barely controlling her temper. “It isn’t up to you to grant me permission. I’m going to Gettysburg, Nathaniel. My question is, may I travel with the Commission’s female volunteers, or should I look for another way to get there?”
He took a long moment to answer, and she knew he was battling his anger, too. “All of the Commission’s female volunteers are either married or widowed. You’re single.”
Ever since Nathaniel had proposed, Julia wondered if she should confess her original motives to him and admit that she had lied about being married in order to become a nurse. Seeing his reaction now and his puzzling opposition, she knew that confessing would be a mistake. She wanted to go and couldn’t risk him stopping her.
“I know I’m single,” she replied. “I was single when I worked on the battlefields at Antietam and Fredericksburg, and I was single when you and I worked together on the hospital ship on the Peninsula. How is this any different?”
“Because you’re going to be my wife. I feel protective of you and your reputation.”
“Are you sure you don’t mean your reputation?”
She could tell by Nathaniel’s reaction that her outspokenness had stunned him. She wondered if he would change his mind about marrying her. She thought it ironic that she had become a nurse to win his admiration and now her commitment to nursing might cause her to lose him. She pushed aside her anger to plead with him.
“Listen, I feel called to go. My work is important to me, just as your work is important to you. The fact that I am single, with no husband or children to bind me, is what gives me the freedom to serve those in need. Please, Nathaniel, let’s not argue about it. May I travel with the Commission, or should I look for another means of getting there?”