by Abra Ebner
Growing braver with each uneventful moment that passed, I found myself nudging closer until my head rest against her arm. I wondered where she was, and what she was doing as her soul wandered into the land of dreaming, leaving her body behind with me. I nudged her softly, moving my body against hers and allowing my arm to drape over her.
She shifted slightly, only to reposition herself more comfortably within my embrace. I couldn’t help but smile, knowing I had accomplished the one thing I’d always longed to. I brushed my finger down the length of her arm, the warmth of her skin relaxing. For the first time in a long while, I was comfortable.
I closed my eyes then, and without meaning to, I entered her dreams…
Jane:
With a strange shiver surrounding me, I saw Max walk from the edge of the field where I sat enjoying the colorful skies of my dream. The grin on my face grew as I slid a piece of grass through my fingers. There was no blood here tonight, no death at all. I’d been working on getting past the lust for it, wanting to live a real life away from my inevitable end where I could work toward making a reason of my future. This development was refreshing.
Max came and sat beside me, his body separate from mine and his emotions his own—the way it would be if he were still human. He took my hand, his fingers tracing over the ridges of my knuckles.
“I love Winter Wood.” I spoke, my voice distant and soft, like a gentle breeze. Going there showed me that there really is more to life. I was going to make myself important, and Winter Wood was my place to start.
He nodded slowly. “I want you to live with me there.” His gaze met mine, oceans crashing to shore. “When I said I wanted to move back, all I could think of was that I wanted you to go with me.”
The sweetness of the invitation filled me with warmth. I ran my hand through his hair, the strands long enough to wrap around my fingers a few times. He shut his eyes, the powdery blue that surrounded them much more prevalent in the light of the In-between.
“I want you to be with me forever,” he added.
My hand fell to my side. “But I won’t be with you forever. I can’t.”
He thought for a moment before speaking. “I’ll find a way to follow you wherever you go. The Ever After is just another place. It’s not like I can’t go there, too.”
I picked another piece of grass, wrapping it around my hand. “What about letting me stay in this life with you?”
Max took the blade of grass from my hand, tying a bow. “There’s nothing I can do to make you stay. You are what you are. What you want only exists in faerie tales.”
I lowered my gaze, watching him knot the grass. He was right. I was what I was, and with my cravings to see the other side, despite my current ability to control them, eternal life would eventually become taxing.
Max handed me the perfect grass bow and leaned against me, his hand cradling the small of my back.
“You’re so good at this.” I twisted the bow between my fingers, trying to figure just how he’d tied it.
He took my hand and guided me to lie down before lying beside me, his head resting on his palm and his arm hitched up at the elbow. He picked another piece of grass, brushing it down the length of my nose. “I’ve had a long time to learn a lot of hobbies in order to pass time.” He traced the strand of grass down along the curve of my torso from my shoulder to my hip and back again.
“I love you, Jane. I want to keep you, and I will,” he promised.
I cupped the grass bow in my hands, holding it against my chest.
Max smiled and leaned forward, kissing my shoulder. His lips were warm and alive in this world, a feeling so divine. I giggled as he moved and kissed my neck, then my chin.
“It’s so odd,” I thought out loud.
Max stopped. “What’s that?”
“Feeling you like this, as though you’re alive.”
He fingered a strand of my hair. “Do you like it?”
I hooked my elbows under me, sitting up slightly. “I do.” I paused. “Is that bad?”
He bit his lip and looked contemplative for a moment. I wasn’t sure if I had hurt his feelings by saying what I had, but I was feeling truthful. Watching anxiously, his distant gaze spooled back. He looked at me and leaned close. At first he seemed reluctant, as though he’d never been this close to me before. He allowed his lips to barely rest against mine, unmoving as though testing something. Then he kissed me.
His sweet musk became a cage, the kiss like sugary honey dripping down the throat of my spirit. I lowered myself once again and reached out for him, pulling him toward me. His lips didn’t leave mine as we lay back, my hands finding their way carefully down his torso and under his shirt. His muscles tensed at my touch, but slowly relaxed as I gently caressed them.
I couldn’t help it. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted to melt together and feel limitless love. This was a dream, and in dreams things could be whatever they wanted, even this.
I tried again, and this time his shyness was contained. Grasping the hem of his shirt, I began to roll it over his shoulders. He let me, only breaking the kiss long enough for the shirt to clear his head. My hands savored skin I’d never felt or seen before, and Max allowed his weight to lean against me. His lips attended my neck as I felt the length of a long scar down his side. My heart raced, wondering how he’d acquired such a gash, only now realizing the depth and danger of his life. He wedged his arm between me and the scar, again acting shy. I saw what my boundaries were, and coaxing him to allow me in once more, I respected them.
Being like this allowed me to feel his warmth like never before, the real man that was once the Max Gordon of the human world. I let myself imagine things this way, relishing his natural and protective strength holding me close. Here, we could be together forever, and I allowed my thoughts to reflect that back to him.
He groaned and stopped kissing me for a moment. “I can’t do this.”
His breath against my skin made me shake. I nipped his shoulder, feeling how tense his body had suddenly become. “It’s okay, Max. For once, just relax a little.” I rubbed my hand down his spine, imagining it ironing away his apprehensions.
He let himself feel it, permitting his hands to trace the length of my body in return. His breathing became ragged, and something inside him changed in that moment. His lips once again locked with mine. It was a furious dance, and the world around us slowly faded to shadows. The grass below my back changed shape, growing into soft, billowy threads of cotton. The warm touch of his skin became cool, like a wave of the ocean, drowning me in the ecstasy of being this close.
Before I knew what had happened, the darkness of my room had already surrounded us once again. The rush of adrenaline had caused us both to wake, though the dream itself hadn’t ended. I was surprised that he’d permitted himself to be this close to me, so used to his distant persona and his vow to wait. Right now, however, the vow no longer seemed to matter to him.
His hands were under my shirt, thumbs resting just beneath the curve of my breast and fingers arched around my rib cage. He held onto me with desperation, not wanting our waking to stop us, or perhaps not realizing we’d awoken. I frantically felt for his belt, wondering how far he would allow me to take this. As anticipated, his lips left mine, his face pained, while full of desire. I slid my hands up his sides and placed them on his cheeks.
“It’s okay,” I whispered again, moving my hands back to remove his jeans.
His arms were on either side of my head as he lay above me, his nose brushing mine. He was shaking with such innocence that I felt I was finally seeing him for who he really was. With eyes deep like storm clouds, the glimmer of sanity that was always there was now lost at sea. Max was fighting with himself, torn between two places I couldn’t understand. I hooked my hands around his waist, locking him against me. I wouldn’t let him be lost there. I needed him.
I pressed myself up, arching against his hips. He bit my lip, wings beginning to flourish from his ba
ck and wrapping around us, as though his hands weren’t enough. The breath was stolen from my lungs when they touched me, feeling as light as air. I reached forward, running my hand down one wing. It released a groan from deep inside him—feathers quivering.
“Jane, I can’t…” He whispered again, but his voice was unconvincing.
Hands on his back, I felt where wings met skin, and another gasp of air was stolen from my lungs. The space around me became endless, a void where I could live forever. I felt my body melting into him, his skin growing more alive with each minute that passed like this. Legs intertwined—skin against skin.
I pressed my hips once more against his, causing his whole frame to shake.
He moaned, his skin oddly hot and mine dangerously cold. Then, without warning, his hands hit the pillow behind me, making me flinch. He abruptly pushed himself away, a wave of heat rolling over me like a rush of blood to the head. I sat up straight, wavering as he stumbled out of bed and paced to the window where he grabbed his jeans off the floor. His wings were still exposed, and his whole body quaked, wracked with tremors as he fought to control himself.
“What’s wrong?” There was an edge of anger in my voice. I was tired of him running away.
He’d put his jeans on by now, his hand on his forehead. Whispering under his breath, he began to pace. “I can’t do this.” His hand dropped, hitting his leg.
I admired his bare torso as his wings retreated, so powerful and yet so forbidden to me. Max refused me the luxury of having him. “Why?” I demanded.
He stopped and turned to me quickly. “You didn’t feel that?” he gasped.
I had felt it, but it was bliss. What did he mean? “No, I—”
“You don’t understand, Jane.” He cut me off, voice sharp. “I literally can’t do this.” His face was frantic, his firm hand jabbing the air. “But, God… you don’t know how much I want to.”
“Then… then why stop yourself? I don’t understand.”
A forced breath of air passed his lips. He looked skyward, still pacing. “You’re a drug to me—your emotions, your life. I want it so bad.” He clenched his fists before him. “So bad, but I’ll lose myself in you. I can’t let it happen.”
“Lose yourself?”
He shook his head as though at himself. “You’ve felt me stealing your emotion.”
I nodded. “Yes, but it’s not bad. I can handle it. I figured that was normal.” I thought about the way I felt when he’d stolen my sadness in Winter Wood—weak and useless. But tonight, it had felt much different.
“Jane, listen to yourself. You shouldn’t be saying those things. Those emotions are your own, not mine. If I go too far with them, it can kill you, which means…” His voice trailed.
“What?” My voice was shrill.
“Which means that I’d kill you. If I get too close like this, I could suck that life right out of you. You’d die, and I’d be the one left living your life and your feelings.” He leaned his forehead against the wall.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
His eyes were shut, the frantic emotion he’d borrowed leaving me feeling hungry, but not for food.
“I didn’t want you to worry about it, but when I found out about Patrick, I saw that hiding it wasn’t right, either.”
I nodded sarcastically. “Yeah, exactly.”
Max draped his hands over his eyes.
I pulled the blankets more tightly around me. “So, the whole ‘I want to wait because I’ve never done this before’, thing was a lie?”
He stood straight, his eyes wide. “No. That’s the truth. My chastity is not a lie, but…”
My heart sank at the word but. “But… what?”
He shook his head. “But… I’ve never loved someone like this before, and of course it had to be you—my guarded, the one I’m forbidden to be with.”
His explanation seemed diverted from something else. “What else? That’s not all that you were going to say,” I accused.
I saw his shoulders sink, and I presumed it was because he’d been caught. He paced toward me, eyes so intense, I was actually afraid of them. “I was engaged once.” His answer seemed blunt.
“What?” My voice was louder than it needed to be. “And you didn’t find that important enough to tell me?”
Max cringed.
“What else is there?”
He bowed his head. “It was a long time ago. I called it off before the whole thing even matured. It’s not like it was my decision; it was arranged. I didn’t love her.”
“Not your decision?” The whole reality of his age came crashing down on me.
“There were other things driving me to do it, like honor, and diplomacy, certainly not love.”
I stood, dragging sheets with me, flustered by the whole thing. “And we’re not even supposed to be together?” All the talk about soul-mates and the way I had agreed with him suddenly made me feel foolish.
“That’s not true. We are supposed to be together, but the guardian aspect of it got in the way. The Truth told me—”
“The Truth is worthless,” I spat. “How do I even know you’re telling me the truth now?”
He was frozen, and I could tell he was trying to figure what to say to make this better.
“We’re not supposed to be together, Max. That’s what the universe is saying, Truth or no Truth. I mean look at us,” as I drew close, he backed away. “We can’t even get close.” I stopped, having backed him into the wall. “You’re my angel and I’m your guarded, and that’s all we were ever meant to be to each other.” The words didn’t feel right, but I said them anyway, wanting to test them out loud.
“Jane, please.” He shut his eyes. “I knew there were dangers when I saved you. I knew this was one of them, but I still believed we could love each other despite that. It’s not all about—”
“Please,” I snapped, raising a finger between us. “Don’t start with that. Of course it matters. I won’t pretend to be shy about it. You may think I sound shallow, but I assure you, I’m not. I refuse to live out my life wanting nothing but to share everything with you, every emotion, feeling and desire. I can’t have that, and I can’t live with the anxiety of knowing we have to be careful about being close to each other. I just want to be.”
I could tell he saw my point, and I could tell he knew it would come to this, though he’d clearly tried to deny it as long as possible.
I shut my eyes. “Fix this,” I demanded, because I didn’t know how to fix it for myself. If this was the way it was going to be, then I didn’t want him near me. There were amazing things I wanted to discover and do with my life, and having this obstacle made accomplishing those things hard. This would always be a distraction, and I couldn’t handle it. Just standing here before him, my eyes fixed on his bare chest and the curves of his torso I so longed to trace, was difficult enough.
I was selfish, maybe even shallow, but it was justified. I was human! I wanted to be near him, and not just for a simple pleasure, but because I loved him. The kind of love you know will sweep you off your feet, the kind of love you don’t consider the same as any other because it feels natural—impulsive. But that was the problem. Our love could never be impulsive. If what he said was true, then I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d forget myself and get carried away in the moment. I’ll end up dead, as I nearly had already. I couldn’t trust myself, and that was the real problem. Impulsive was the perfect word to describe how I felt around Max. Was that such a bad thing?
When I opened my eyes, Max was gone. The room was darker than it had been before and the only thing my eyes could see was a small white origami dove lying on the corner of the bed. I walked toward it, picking it up and finding the small grass bow atop its back.
A tear rolled down my cheek as I opened the wings and gently unfolded the paper. There was nothing but a small, crooked heart drawn in the middle. Despite my behavior he still loved me. My head throbbed. I was a jerk.
“Max?
” I choked, waiting a long while for a reply that would never come.
Emily:
I sat in history class next to Jake. He had his glasses and retainer on, downgrading his looks a couple hundred notches, but it was safe. When he wore the glasses, the blue light wasn’t there, and when we were in the light, it wasn’t there either. As long as we hung out when one of those two situations applied, I’d be fine.
“Jake,” I whispered.
The teacher was circling the room, eyeing us like a hawk as we read about the Conquistadores in supposed silence.
“I’m bored.” I was too tired to deal with school. After what had happened last night, I hadn’t slept much.
Jake looked sideways at me, his brown eyes hidden and dull behind the thick lenses. Don’t talk out loud, idiot. Use your mind. Besides, I’m reading. Maybe you should try it.
I moaned, looking at the words on the page and reading the same line I’d read what seemed ten times now. “How do you put up with this?” I whispered again out loud, just to be impossible.
Jake glared. “I like learning.” His voice snaked through clenched teeth.
I smiled to myself for forcing him to play along.
Mr. Jackson clapped his hands together then. “All right class, time to break into our groups and continue working on our projects.”
It was music to my ears.
Jake slowly shut his book as the class broke into a low murmur. He sighed. “Want to go to the library?”
“The real library?” I urged with a wink.
Jake’s glance was so much smoother than his exterior would imply, a smile growing across his face. “Sure, Emily. The real library.” He winked back.
A rush of excitement washed over me. I’d put a lot of thought into what I was doing at school, and a lot of thought into what Jake’s sister was doing. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to do what I loved, though that wasn’t necessarily baking. All I knew was that sitting here following premeditated steps wasn’t what I loved. My clairvoyance had already taught me all I’d need to know, so school was just a giant mind-numbing experience. It was worthless, and if I could make him, Jake was going down with me.