Tentatively, I placed a finger at her opening. I was surprised and relieved to find her wet. It was all I needed to drive deep inside of her. She arched as I entered her, and I heard her surprised gasp. I ran my hands down her back before grabbing hold of her hips. I curled my fingers into her sides and I press into her as far as I could go. I wanted to stay inside of her forever. Nothing bad could happen to us here. My strokes were long as I held onto her tightly. The rhythm started slowly, but I couldn’t hold back. With each thrust I heard her moan beneath me and my feverish arousal built. I started to go in and out of her harder—faster—and she didn’t protest. I kneaded her firm ass as I kept driving into her. She moved with me, handing over control and letting me take what I needed from her. And I was a selfish bastard, but I let her do it. I crashed into her body with abandon, and I continued doing it until my climax overcame me. Tremors racked me from my core outward. I was completely rocked by being with her and my body continued to tremble with how much pleasure I felt at the moment.
The pleasure faded, and I began to grow concerned over how quiet she had become. Instantly, I regretted taking her in the way I did. I knew better. I realized I may have made a critical error, and may have advertently used her to chase away my own demons.
I curved my hand around her waist. “Autumn? Are you okay?”
She sighed, and I could hear her contentment infused in it. “Yes. That was unexpected, but I’m not complaining. I didn’t want you to ever stop.”
She ran her hands down the sides of her body, and I saw the goose bumps break out over her flesh. I needed her, and she had been there for me, wanting nothing in return. But it was a relief to see how incredible I could make her feel when she was clenched around me.
I moved out of her, although I did die a little inside because of it. Separating our bodies would make room for reality to move back in. Autumn sat up and began to pull on her clothing. She met my eyes, and I watched her expression shift. The lust faded and was replaced with alarm.
“Blake! What’s wrong? What happened?”
I averted my eyes. “What are you talking about?”
She hopped off of the couch and ran over to me. “You’re bleeding! Your lip is split, and your face is completely swollen.”
I flinched as she ran her fingertips over the tender skin on my cheek. “I’m fine.”
Her eyes searched mine, looking for answers. I could see she wanted me to open up to her, but the truth was unwelcome at times like that. I wanted to protect her, but I had made a promise I wouldn’t lie to her again. Breaking that oath would guarantee our undoing.
“Did something happen at your mom’s house?”
I swallowed hard at the question.
She added, “I thought you were picking up your sister.”
“I did go there to pick her up.” My jaw tightened and I forced out the words. “Thomas was at the house.”
Autumn’s eyes filled and I saw her skin grow pale. I dug the pads of my fingers into my thighs until I felt a dull pain. Seeing what type of reaction Thomas caused in my girlfriend filled me with instant remorse for not ending him when I had the chance.
She gestured to my face. “He did this to you?”
“Don’t worry. He is a lot worse off.” The pronouncement didn’t seem to bring her any type of satisfaction. If anything, she seemed to retreat further into herself. “I tried to walk away, Autumn, but I couldn’t. I was looking at him and picturing what he had done, and it made me sick to think he was no longer paying for his crimes.”
“I didn’t ask you to do this. I didn’t ask you to go after him and avenge me.”
I strained to hear her timid whisper. This wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted him to be dead and buried in our minds. He was a fucking ghost that refused to be exorcised.
“He told me he wanted to start again. He said he wanted us to get together with him and talk it out.” I allowed her to hear the derision in my voice. “He wanted to see you again, Autumn. And I couldn’t let him think he could go anywhere near you. He needed to see that I will protect you with my life.”
Thomas had brought back past fears to the forefront of my mind. The worst of all was the thought that she could never love me. And by her reaction to his name, I started to believe it once again.
“Look at you.” She shook her head at me. “Look at what being together is doing to you.”
“What? Being with you is the best thing to happen to me.”
“How can you say that? When you come to me broken?”
I blow out a long breath between my teeth before speaking. “Autumn, it’s only a small cut.”
“That’s not the kind of broken I meant.” Autumn sounded resigned, and it was a tone I never wanted to hear from her. Things were never going to be easy for us—it was a given with our messed-up backgrounds. But I fought for much less important things than her. For her, I’d fight with everything I had to give.
“I’m not broken up over kicking Thomas’s ass. He deserved a lot worse.”
She didn’t comment for a long time. After taking her hand and leading her back to the couch, she sank down next to me. I brushed my leg against her thigh and tried to get her to meet my stare. She wouldn’t look at me, and focused her eyes on the far wall. “We have been living in a bubble, Blake. Just because we don’t want him in our lives, we may not have a choice.” She finally turned to me. “You have a relationship with him that I’ve refused to accept. I can’t continue to pretend you don’t have a history with him and that it was very different than mine.”
“Autumn, I will never regret what I have with you. Whatever I had with Thomas is done….”
“He’s your father, Blake.” She bit down on her lip, looking as though she was trying to stop herself from saying more.
“Yes,” I acknowledged and took her hand in mine. “I did love him, but I loved a father that didn’t exist. The same way I hated a girl that didn’t exist.”
I wanted my words to get through to her, but each passing moment I watched her build her walls higher. She didn’t need or want my protection, and it hurt. She had been harmed too many times before, and I could see her doubt creeping in. She loved me—I was sure of it—but she didn’t seem to believe it would be enough for us to work.
“I haven’t been fair to you, Blake,” she finally said, her voice cracking. Her eyes welled up and tears tumbled down her cheeks. She swiped them away with the back of her hand before continuing to speak. “I’ve caused problems in your family and forced you to make impossible choices. I’ve been so caught up in my pain, I never thought what it was like for you to lose a father.”
I had never told her, but I made a conscious effort to not think about Thomas. Because if I missed him, it would feel like the ultimate betrayal to her. I couldn’t mourn the loss of a man that had committed an unforgivable crime.
She was crying now—raw and desperate sobs—and my stomach plummeted to the floor. I was terrified by the look of profound loss on her face. “Maybe a better person than me could move on and forgive,” she said, her voice breaking, “but then I close my eyes and see the callousness in his features when he attacked me, and I feel back in that nightmare.” She shuddered before adding, “But you have to realize that I’m not going to stop you from having a relationship with him. That’s your right. You loved him first, and I’m not going to condemn you any longer for that.”
“I didn’t choose him. I chose you. And I will choose you. Every. Single. Time.” Her eyes fluttered closed at my words. I took a steadying breath. “I’m not asking you to let me have you both in my life. I don’t want him. I want you, and I’ll always want you.”
“I love you, Blake,” she sobbed. She crawled onto my lap and buried her face in my neck. “But I hate that he has found a way back into our lives.”
I settled my hands on her shoulders and adjusted her to face me. I wanted her to look in my eyes and to hopefully see inside of me. “Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on us.”
> “I don’t want to,” she said quietly, and I saw her studying my face. “But I’m afraid you’ll eventually regret the decisions you made. I don’t want you to resent me for causing you to lose the only dad you ever had.”
A muscle ticked in my jaw. “I will never regret us.” I pushed her hair out of her eyes and cupped her face in my hands. “It kills me to hear you say these things. I will never resent you or have regrets about not letting him be a part of my life. The only regret I have is that I kept the truth from you about who I was. But honestly, Autumn, it’s a small regret. Because if I never lied, we wouldn’t be together.”
Finally, I seemed to be reaching her. She looked at me from under her long lashes and her eyes softened. I hoped she sensed my honesty and didn’t think I simply pulled the words out of my ass. Truthfully, I only needed her. Any losses along the way were insignificant in comparison to what she had brought to my life.
“I’ll never regret us, either,” she said firmly and gave me the briefest of kisses.
When she moved away, I wiped away the tears on her face. I didn’t want her hurting for me, or worse yet, because of me. She gave me a shaky smile and the thousand-pound weight on my chest was able to lift. She said, “I know it’s going to be hard, but my love for you measures way beyond any fears I have about your family. I’m committed to our relationship, and Thomas isn’t going to steal away the happiness I’ve found with you.”
“He’ll never take anything away from us again,” I promised her.
She kissed me again, and this time her lips lingered on mine. I slipped my tongue inside her mouth and the passion between us gained momentum. We were heading for another round in bed, and I loved that about our relationship. I loved how she blew my mind each time we were together.
And although maybe I should’ve stopped us from getting carried away again, I didn’t. There were more things we needed to talk about and more problems that needed resolutions, but I wanted to end the night making love to her. Because I needed her to feel and see my heart before she decided if I was the one in her future.
Chapter Eighteen
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of my apartment’s buzzer. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was a little after nine in the morning. Autumn was still naked and asleep next to me, curled into my side. She stirred at the sound of the doorbell, and I hurried out of bed to avoid waking her up. After tossing on a pair of jeans I had left on the floor of my room and a t-shirt, I went to the front door.
After checking out the peephole, I cringed when I saw Delia pacing on my doorstep. By the way things were left yesterday, I was sure she had come to read me the riot act. I wasn’t concerned over the condition I left her dad in yesterday, but it had been on my mind over how my actions had affected her.
I opened the door and gestured her inside. She strode past me and looked warily around the apartment until facing me. I assumed she was looking for signs of Autumn. It made me anxious over what she planned to say. Had I finally pushed Delia over the edge yesterday and lost her for good? I never meant to bring her more pain, but it had become unavoidable as I straddled the line of having both her and Autumn in my life.
“Are you okay?” I asked, taking in her bedraggled appearance. The bags under her eyes told of her sleepless night. Likely, she had come to my place straight out of bed. She wore a ratty gray t-shirt and a pair of fleece pajama pants.
“No. I was up all night, trying to think of how our family got to this point.” She leaned back against the front door. “We used to be happy and now….”
“I’m sorry you had to see that.”
She watched me and seemed to weigh my words. I could see it dawning on her that I wasn’t apologizing for what I had done. “Dad was livid, but physically he’s fine.”
I nodded, but didn’t respond. I didn’t trust myself to speak. Because maybe there was something wicked inside of me, but the news didn’t move me one tiny bit.
“Blake, I’ve been trying so hard to understand how you feel, and I think I do get it, in a way.” Delia tilted her head to the side as she examined me. “And I’m finally okay with you not wanting Dad in your life. I can even accept that you believe Autumn about what happened between them.”
“Del, I—”
She held up her hand. “Wait. I’m not finished.” She gathered herself up to her full height. “But I can’t believe her. Because I need my dad, and if Autumn is telling the truth, I can’t have him. Maybe I’m in denial, and it’s some sort of twisted defense mechanism, but I can’t change who I am.”
“It’s okay, Del. I understand.”
What could I say? Autumn wasn’t anyone to Delia. I didn’t believe Thomas deserved to have his daughter’s love, but I couldn’t stop it.
“But I don’t hate Autumn, and I don’t hate you for loving her.” Her pronouncement meant a lot. Loving Autumn had a ripple effect on every relationship I had. At times, I wasn’t sure Delia and I would be able to pick up the pieces and still be as close as we once were.
“I’m not going to go after Thomas again, Del.” I assured her. “He mentioned Autumn and I just lost it. I had a lot of bitterness building up for a long time, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
“I didn’t come here because I’m worried about Dad’s safety.” Delia asserted. “I’m worried about my big brother.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not,” she countered. “You have to forgive yourself.”
I took a step away from her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You carry around this blame for things you’re not responsible for.”
“I do not!” I snapped and suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t like the idea of my little sister trying to psychoanalyze me.
“She’s right,” a soft voice said from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Autumn standing in the doorway of my bedroom. She had dressed before coming out to the foyer in a pair of black shorts and a red tank top. She must have woken up minutes ago, but her gaze was sharp on me.
Delia acknowledged Autumn with a nod. They locked eyes from across the room, and I felt something silently pass between them. It was the first time I didn’t feel the tension from the two of them being in the same room together. They both cared about me and would willingly put aside their difference for my benefit.
Autumn shifted her attention back to me. “I’ve forgiven you for a long time now. But I wonder if you ever accepted my forgiveness or realized why I was hurt by you.”
“Because of Thomas—”
Autumn cut me off. “No, Blake. I was hurt because you never trusted me enough to tell me who you were.” She took a step in my direction. “It was never about being Thomas’s stepson.”
I scratched the back of my neck. “Autumn, how can that be true? You would’ve stayed far away from me if I’d been honest from the beginning.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “I would’ve stayed away because I was afraid of your stepfather. Not because I blamed you for being related to him.”
“But you know the reasons I pushed my way into your life. How can you just let that go?”
“There’s nothing left to forgive, Blake. And your sister is absolutely right, because I don’t think you’ll ever be truly happy until you accept that you’re not responsible.” I was an unmoving wall, coiled tightly as they made assessments about my character. Autumn took my hand in hers, offering me comfort without me asking for it.
“It’s true. You kill yourself trying to keep all of us happy. You’re one of the most selfless people I know,” Delia said. I opened my mouth to argue, but Autumn squeezed my hand tightly: a sign to let me know I needed to allow Delia to finish. Delia added, “I’m so grateful for you, Blake. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I’ve been selfish to not stop you from setting aside your own needs.”
“I’m not going to stop looking out for you.”
Delia’s eyes held unshed tears. “And I do
n’t want you to. But I’m going to be all right and so are you and Autumn.” Delia addressed Autumn. “Take care of my brother. He deserves the best.”
“He does,” Autumn said. “I’m crazy about him.”
I kissed the top of Autumn’s head and smiled into her hair. I allowed her love and acceptance into my heart. I had been fighting it—feeling as though I could never be forgiven and, in turn, loved. I wasn’t responsible for Thomas’s actions, and there was no way I could have stopped him. I was getting that.
I was also learning to differentiate between what I had with Autumn was worlds apart from what happened between her and my stepfather. Often, I was afraid of what my touch would do to her—terrified of reminding her of the violence of her past. What he did was dark and evil. But every touch, every kiss I placed on her body was worshipful and reverent.
Releasing Autumn, I closed the distance between Delia and me and scooped her up in a warm hug. “Thanks, Del. You deserve the best, too.”
Delia smiled ruefully as I put her down. “I know I do. I’m hoping that happens as soon as I leave for college and finally stop living under Mom’s thumb.”
“I’m sure after yesterday your boyfriend will be the last thing on Mom’s mind.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. “I better go. I don’t want to run into anyone while looking like a thrift store reject. Call me for dinner soon.”
I nodded. “I will.”
After we said our goodbyes to Delia, I was alone in the hallway with Autumn. Our argument from the day before didn’t seem to have compromised what I was trying to build with her. She knotted her fingers behind my neck and lifted up onto her toes. I could feel her soft breath tickle my mouth as she spoke. “I have so much faith in you. So much love for you.”
“I feel the same.”
“You have been so good to me, Blake—so good for me. And I want to do the same for you. I want us to move forward together, to stop being stuck in our pasts.”
“I want that, too.”
#1.5 Finding Autumn Page 16