by Liana Key
Magdala was also in a state of unease. In the last few weeks she had gotten quite close with Flynn. I hadn't asked but I had a feeling the relationship had turned physical. In a way I rejoiced for her, hoping it was a sign she had moved on, but another part of me thought it was way too soon. Too soon after Nathan, too soon after the rape. How did she do it? Unattach herself from someone so quickly? I had a feeling that whatever Paola decided to do, I'd never, ever get over her. Not in ten, twenty, fifty years, I couldn't imagine myself ever feeling this way about another person.
We'd had a day trip to see an old silver town. It had been a hot day, a lot of driving, I had a headache by time we got back. I didn't want to go to dinner and went and laid on my bed. But it wasn't just the headache. It was our fifth day away, and I'd not so much as had a text from Paola, even though I'd texted her. Nothing major, just stuff like, 20 million ppl in one place, Hot and steamy, Hot and spicy. She hadn't replied. To any of them. Not even a Safe arrival? Nothing. I felt depressed.
It was Connor who came to check up on me, just before they were heading out. That was a surprise, usually it would be Aunt Kate's job.
"You all right Cash?" he asked. I nodded, I'd taken some Advil, so assumed I'd sleep it off. "You don't need anything?"
"I'm okay." But he came and sat on the edge of my bed.
"You don't seen your usual self," he said, and it wasn't a question, so I didn't reply. Connor's a big guy, as tall as me, but he probably has fifteen kilos on me. He use to be a cop, a detective but now he and Aunt Kate run a security company, and he does consultancy work. When Kate, Jakey and Raff left the ranch it was to move in with Connor. Jakey didn't like him at first, and always gave him grief. Jakey use to moan to me that Connor liked Raff better than him, and I'd said, Well why wouldn't he? Raff was quiet, kind, shy, didn't have a big mouth and would never hurt a fly, whereas Jakey. But as time went on, and Kate and Connor had Ariana, they merged into one big happy family. And Connor treated me and Magdala as family, evidenced by bringing us on this holiday.
"Jakey said you met someone," he said, taking me unawares. I opened my mouth to protest, wondering what had happened to Jakey's promise of secrecy. Connor chuckled, "Don't worry, he didn't tell me details, but I knew after that fight that something was up."
I sighed. "I don't think she's gonna wait for me," I said, and it was the first time I'd said my thoughts out loud, and it suddenly hit me that that's what I truly believed. She wasn't going to wait for me.
"It's only gonna be four or five weeks," Connor said. "You'll be home before you know it."
But I realized it wasn't about four or five weeks, or the whole summer. It was about ten, eleven years, about finishing high school, college. We lived in different time zones, I was always going to be behind, I'd never catch up. When she had been in high school, I'd been playing with Lego. When she was in college, I'd been fantasizing about being a top tennis player. While she was building a career, I was still learning the periodic table and thinking about the school prom. When I got to college, she'd probably be thinking marriage and children. It occurred to me then that we would never work it out, it would never happen.
"Yeah, maybe," I said, "but she hasn't even texted."
"Hey if it's meant to be, it's meant to be," he said philosophically. "Just try and enjoy yourself, chill out, yeah?" I nodded. It was easier to be agreeable. He gave me a light slap on the leg and said, "Okay, buddy?"
"Thanks," I said, nodding again, but my head still throbbed. "I think I'll just sleep."
He said goodbye, and I checked my phone, but of course there was nothing.
A week with no contact went by and we arrived in Punta de Mita, and it was like you couldn't help but relax. The weather was great, the air fresh, the ocean amazing, the resort like a paradise. The first thing Kate did was take our phones off us. We protested bitterly, but she didn't listen. She wanted us outdoors, swimming, boating, fishing, diving, snorkeling, surfing, horse trekking, off roading. There was every activity to do, and she wanted us doing them. It was actually the best thing she could have done. After a few days none of us complained. We planned our days, we swam and tanned, we played board games and cards at night. For two weeks we were all just teenagers without a care in the world.
Then we flew to Cancun and met Dad, Antonia and the kids. That's when Magdala and I both realized how much we missed Damon and Dominique. It was the first time both families had cruised together and we all had a great time. Magdala was on a bit of a low though, after our phones were returned she'd not heard from Flynn. Devon stepped in. He'd always fancied Magdala and he started flirting with her. Jakey told him to back off, but he kept trying, typically Devon. Magdala, I think enjoyed the attention, she explained it as having a bit of fun, and she always made sure one of us boys was hanging around. I admired the fact that she wasn't letting the rape define her, but I'd have preferred her to be slightly more reserved. I had my own hang up, of course, having not heard a thing from Paola, now wondering if Ivan, the college student was in fact a real person.
It was mid cruise when we were playing table tennis that Magdala checked that I was going to Hawaii with her. When she had asked me at the beginning of the holiday I had told her that I probably couldn't, that I had to get back to work. She had gone moody and said she didn't want to go alone, so I'd made a non-committal remark, like "Okay, if you need me, I'll come." Now she was asking again and my answer was, "Sure, why not?" I had nothing to rush back to LA for and another week in the sun and surf was appealing. If I lost my job in the meantime, so be it. I'd hardly want to be working there anyway if Paola decided we were over. Magdala got Dad to book me a ticket, and as we flew to Hawaii, Jakey and Devon flew to Houston, and everyone else went home.
There is something about Honolulu that takes the stress out of you. You just completely wind down and feel free, uninhibited. Magdala's mother, Martha and her husband Ben, a German professor at the same university she worked at, made us feel more welcome than ever. Almost as if they had been bored with each other's company after a long summer and wanted fresh conversations. Though I suppose it had more to do with the rape. Ben took me out to golf everyday. I'd never really played before, other than the occasional visit to a course or driving range, but Ben was an avid player and took the time to teach me how to swing a club. To my surprise I took to it. In terms of learning how to control the ball and master a shot, it was even better than tennis. Every shot was in your own hands. Maybe the lie of the ball or the condition of the course and weather might influence your shot, but basically you were in control of the destiny of the ball. Of course that appealed to my pedantic nature, which was content to hit ball after ball in the quest for the perfect shot. Even after a round, I was happy to practice hitting buckets of balls. Ben seemed happy to teach me everything he knew, like he had a new purpose. Every evening he'd show me a new website or YouTube videos to explain how things should be done. Magdala was just happy on the waves. She could spend a day out there and never be bored. Martha had taken to going to the beach, sitting in her beach chair and reading while Magdala surfed. It might have seemed insignificant but we knew it was a big deal for Martha, and Magdala appreciated it. For once her mother was actively participating in her life.
And then I got a phone call from Paola.
It was my fourth day in Honolulu, a Saturday and I had been thinking of staying until the following Friday. That meant that when I got back I'd have a week to get some tennis in and a week to prepare for school. I'd talked to Dad on the cruise and decided I was going to stick at Beverly for my senior year. It was going to mean more travel time, but the local school didn't have boys tennis and I kind of realized I wanted to graduate with Jakey and my friends. Also, I'd confided in Dad, and only Dad at that stage that I wanted to study pre-med. Dad had been shocked; for years my dream had to become a pilot, but over the last few years it had lost its appeal, even though it seemed a glamorous career. Then something about Magdala's ordeal, seeing her in hospital, ha
d oddly clicked in me. I could picture myself doing medicine, though I knew it was going to take a lot of hard work to get accepted. And that was another reason I wanted to stay at Beverly, the teachers and counsellors knew me. Though I hadn't told Magdala yet. Dad had said to wait till we were home. Let her enjoy her summer, there was no need to stress her prematurely.
Paola's phone call came while I was at the driving range. Ben was having a second round with his friends, and I'd gone for some coaching and was then practicing. When her name appeared on screen, my heart almost escaped from my chest. A tingling sensation ran through my whole body.
"Hello?" I asked, trying to sound normal, calm.
"Cassian?" A pause. "It's me." I stayed mute, the hand holding my phone to my ear was trembling ever so slightly. It felt like my chest was surging. What did she want, I wondered. Why was she calling me? "Are you there?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"Where are you? I thought you'd be back by now," she said. Had I missed a shift, I wondered. Is that why she was ringing? Because I hadn't turned up for work?
"I'm in Honolulu," I said simply, trying to sound emotionless, trying not to sound like she was affecting me, trying to keep in control.
"With your sister?" Her voice was a whisper.
"Yes." There was a silence. My hand still shook. Scared I might drop my phone, I moved it to my right hand.
"Cassian?" I didn't answer. What was this about? Was she about to fire me? Tell me my job was no longer?
"I can't do this without you," she said, and at that moment I froze, stopped breathing, so that I didn't miss a word. "I thought I could let you go, but I can't. I can't survive without you." Her voice sounded brittle, so unlike her. "I've missed you so much," she continued.
I let out a slow exhale, steadied myself against the cubicle, the right hand started to tremble now.
"Cassian?" The voice was desperately seeking reassurance.
I changed my phone back to my left hand, left ear. "I miss you too," I said, hardly earth shattering stuff, but I heard her gasp, and her voice faltered.
"Please come home," she pleaded. "Please.”
I didn't know what to say, I was supposed to be here for another week, Magdala another two. Ben was going to drive me to another course tomorrow, one where the President had played.
"Okay," I said.
"Do you want me to organize it?" she asked. "Do you want me to book a ticket?"
"No," I said, "I can do it." Though I wasn't sure I could.
"I have a week off," she said, "we could go away together if you -" her voice faded to nothing, but my heart rate increased. Go away together? It sounded like a dream. "If you wanted to." She finally finished the sentence.
"Okay," I said.
"You'll let me know when you arrive? I can pick you up." I realized I was going to have to be deceptive, that I had lies to tell.
"Yes," I said, "I'll text."
There was a silence, then she said, "I love you." And it was all I wanted to hear, needed to hear.
"I love you too." And in that moment everything in my world became all right.
PAOLA
Cassian had left on a Sunday, so the last time I had seen him was Friday night at work. The last time we'd been together was when I had picked him up from the tennis club on the Sunday before. There were two new staff working that Friday and as always I liked to observe and encourage them. Perhaps I subconsciously gave Cassian the cold shoulder, maybe as a way of punishing him for leaving me for a whole month. Whatever, I did spend quite a bit of time supervising a new waiter, while Jenny supervised a waitress. Whether I flaunted this in front of Cassian, I can't recall. When he was getting ready to leave, I purposely thrust some forms in front of the new staff and busied myself with them, leaving him to deposit his vest back on the rack and depart on his own, barely glancing up at him as he said goodnight. I regretted it immediately, but my deed was done. He'd texted me the next day, typically sensitive, saying: will miss u. I'd replied with a bland: enjoy your holiday. I was being a bitch, and I knew it. Punishment? Or fear? Fear that he was leaving my life, and I was going to let him. He texted me for the first week, and I never replied. I would say that the texts never came through if it was ever inferred that I had not responded. I would blame Mexican broadband. And then there was nothing from him. And my heart cried in protest, that I had seduced my own downfall, willed him out of my life by my own pettiness and cowardly ways. That I had driven him to the point where even he could see there was no merit in prolonging a relationship which was headed only for tragedy, only for heartache.
I had never been so unhappy in all my life.
Mama noticed my misery. She visited one morning, with coffee, magazines and a bunch of cut flowers from her garden. I could barely muster the energy to be thankful. I feigned a headache, possibly a virus. She said I needed to rest, needed time off work. I said it was impossible. She said she'd get Eddie to cover, Eden to cover. No, there was too much happening at the moment, new staff, a new supplier, a pre-wedding dinner that evening. I needed to be there.
Mama shook her head. She went away and came back with medication. I couldn't tell her that none of that would cure a broken heart, a heart I had broken myself.
I laid in my bed at nights, scrolling through the photos on my phone, weeping, wondering how I had ever gotten myself into such a situation, demanding myself to snap out of it, searching for some sort of inner strength. Mama visited again, this time with Stefan, a random pop in they called it, laden with fresh fruit and pot plants from a farmers market. I tried to act cherry, tried to muster up excitement for the geraniums, tried to fake interest in Mama's new juicer.
Stefan saw through it. "What's up with you?" he asked as Mama was reading through the instruction book. "Have you broken up with your mystery lover?" He meant it as a joke, but perhaps the pitiful expression on my face showed that he was right on the money. "Are you serious?" He'd frowned and then showed some semblance of brotherly concern. "Has he left you, or vice versa?"
I remembered Ivan, and simply said, "He's gone."
"Left you?" He seemed confused.
"Gone," I said woefully, offering no further information. To fabricate the return to Chicago story would just be unnecessary, ridiculous even.
Stefan had checked that Mama was still engrossed in her reading. "Hey," he soothed, and he'd patted my back, "you'll be okay, sis." My eyes involuntary started to tear up and it panicked him. He extended me a hug, "Pao," he said, a nickname he rarely used on me these days, "hey, hey." It looked like he was embarrassed that he could offer no more comfort than that. I sniffed and blew my nose.
"You're not allergic to the geraniums, are you?" Mama shouted from the kitchen.
"No, it's just the leftover cold I had," I called back. Stefan smiled sympathetically. I tried to pull myself together, inhaling a deep, shaky breath, dabbing at my eyes.
"You really need a break," Stefan said quietly. "Why don't you go away for a few days? Have a change of scenery?"
I sniffed again, and nodded unconvincingly. But I knew what I should do then. Knew what I had to do. If I wanted to find happiness again. And later that evening, I took the plunge and rang him.
CASSIAN
I booked a flight for Sunday evening, departing at ten thirty and arriving in LA at six in the morning. I apologized to Paola for such an inconvenient time; she said she'd be there. Ben had been disappointed when I said I was going home, but I said I had to get back to work and sort my courses for school. He made me promise to come back in winter break. Magdala was less thrilled with my decision. I said I didn't want to lose my job, and she understood. She still hadn't heard from Flynn, but she'd got friendly with a few surfers, just as friends, she reiterated.
I hardly slept on the flight, economy class isn't kind to those of us over six feet tall. On my aisle seat I tried to stretch my legs, but ended up tripping up more than one person, so resigned myself to being sleep deprived and stiff. It was not how I wa
nted to be for our reunion, I'd wanted to look hot, tanned, sexy, ready for action.
I scanned the crowd as I pulled my suitcase along on its wheels. She was standing near the end of the roped exit, wearing a long maxi dress, her sunglasses pushed on top of her head, her hair loosely pulled in a ponytail. We smiled as we caught each other's eye, and my pace increased. She came towards me, falling into my arms. I picked her up, but thought twice about swinging her round, that seemed over the top. She seemed lighter. Our lips met, I placed her back down. We were both laughing. It felt so right. We walked along, as not to hold up other travelers, and stopped to one side. She reached up and kissed me, this time long, lingering, penetrating.
"Look at you!" She pulled back, surveying me. "You're so tanned! And I'm sure you're taller."
"You just don't have your heels on," I said, observing her ballet flats.
"And is that a new cap?" She was eyeing up a golf cap that Ben had insisted on buying me.
"I've taken up golf," I said.
"Oh," she raised her eyebrows, "moving into middle age already?"
"Just trying to have more in common with your age group," I responded impudently, and she tucked her arm through mine and we carried on to her car.
We went straight into the bedroom, stripped down and made love. Simple as that. Five weeks of missing each other, of ignoring our instincts hadn't worked. It was like we needed each other, body, heart, soul, all of it, a culmination of longing bringing our bodies to that one rampant moment where we finally realized that we could no longer fight what was between us. Right or wrong, for better or worse, success or failure, denial or truth, the future was ours, together.