by Liana Key
CASSIAN
Jakey had organized prom night, the limo, the suits, corsages, dates. He was going with Lily, a girl he had been hanging around with on a semi regular basis and he'd fixed me up with Kit, a girl who hung in our group and who I was friendly with, but who I had zero interest in romantically. Jakey said she knew that and all Kit expected was a partner for photos and dancing. Aunt Kate, Antonia and Magdala made a big deal about it, taking a ridiculous amount of photos and I obliged Kit by being a gentleman, smiling on demand for the cameras and spinning her around the dance floor. Having a beer beforehand seemed to relax me, but really my heart was not in it, and I felt I was putting on an act the whole night. Though, admittedly I was good at that.
That kiss with Paola had jolted me. Not only because it was so uncharacteristic of me, an example of impulsiveness, of showing no control, but because she hadn't rejected me, she'd responded, she'd owned that kiss as much as I had, no matter how short it had been. She'd felt it, she'd felt it, even though she'd been sitting next to her boyfriend all night. And a hope had re-emerged in my life that she hadn't forgotten me, hadn't stopped loving me.
However it was several weeks before I saw her again because she had either changed her shift or gone home early or stayed in her office. The unpredictability of it all drove me insane, I hated not knowing if she was there or not, whether I would see her, whether she would avoid me.
It was a Sunday and her car was in the carpark and my heart rejoiced. A glimpse of her would be enough, would satisfy a temporary need. I grabbed my vest and was about to put it on when I heard her voice coming from her office. Was her office door open? A peal of laughter. Who was she talking to? I walked down the corridor, detecting that she was on her phone. I stopped outside the open door, her back was to the door, her phone up to her ear, one hand on her hip. I watched, enamored, fixated. Her hair was up today, styled in a tight knot, elongating her neck. I imagined my lips trailing along it. Her bold print dress was shades of blue, black and maroon, something new, sophisticated, and it clung to her curves. Her familiar heels clicked on the floor as she took a step towards the desk and her head tilted back as she let out a jovial laugh. Her hand reached out absently to some papers and straightened them into a pile as she nodded and said into the phone, "Yeah, yeah, you can hope all you like," and laughed heartily again. And that's when she spun on her heels and saw me. Saw me standing there, watching her. Her eyes widened, connecting with me, I expectantly held forth my vest. She took long strides towards the door and my heart was now hammering in my chest, the beginnings of a smile on my lips. Her hand reached out, and in a split second I thought she wanted me but in one quick, swift movement I saw hostility in her eyes as she pushed the door so hard that the slam of it made me vibrate momentarily and the vest fell to the floor. I scooped it up, stunned and in a flurry put it on, my fingers fumbling on the buttons. My foolish heart was still hammering, though now it was not in anticipation, but in despair, utter despair. I made a hasty retreat to the restroom, pretending to check myself in the mirror, but embarrassment and devastation had washed over me and for some reason I knew the game was over. She'd ended it. She was over me, there was no future for us, I was nothing to her now. Nothing.
She may as well have put a dagger through my heart.
She may as well have cut my heart into a hundred pieces and watch it bleed.
I pulled myself together, got myself under control, went out and worked my shift and when I walked out later, I knew it would be my last time.
I went home and emailed in my resignation.
(Cassian's song: Shawn Mendes-Stitches)
Chapter 9
PAOLA
After my two days off, which included a three day weekend, or a lovefest if you will, with Marcus up in Big Bear, it was frustrating to return to work to see the staff huddled chatting in the kitchen. Is this how they behaved when I wasn't around? Even Eddie was leaning against the bench in the thick of it. Did he have no control? On hearing my heels click on the floor, they started to scuttle to their workstations and I smiled inwardly, knowing I still exerted some fear, at least in some of them.
"What's happening people?" I demanded, giving a clap of my hands, but smiling. "Is anybody working, or are we on a go-slow?" The sound of the kitchen whirled into action. "What are we all gossiping about?" I asked, sliding up to Eddie. Another clap of my hands.
"Have you heard about Cassian?" Carlos asked, coming over to us.
I felt my heart stop momentarily. "Cassian?" I asked, "what about Cassian?"
Eddie continued, "His niece died."
My hand automatically went to my mouth, which was now agape. "What do you mean died?" Though there was only one meaning to the word died. "What are you talking about?"
Carlos re-entered the conversation. "His niece, only six months old. She had cancer."
"What?" I gasped. "Cancer? When?"
"On Monday," Eddie said, taking over again. "Oh, it's just the saddest thing."
"She had cancer, a tumor." Carlos again. Seems this was dual story telling. "Ask Jenny, she has the full story." Eddie sent for Jenny. She started welling up as she told me Cassian had texted her yesterday about Cassidy dying. That Cassidy had been ill for the last month, that there was no treatment that could have helped her. By now tears were filling my eyes, it was utterly absurd that I knew nothing of this, that Jenny, Eddie, even Carlos had known his niece had been sick, dying from cancer and nobody thought to tell me. I relayed this to all three of them, and they hung their heads apologetically, but convinced they weren't in the wrong, that I had been too wrapped up in my own little world with Marcus for the past month and a half to know what was happening in everyday life.
"We need to help," I commanded, frantically. "Let's get some food over there. Eddie, Belinda, Carlos, let's sort out a menu. Ray, let's get trays, napkins, cutlery."
"Paola -" Eddie butted in.
"We need to do this," I interrupted, as if I was organizing a military operation.
"Paola," Eddie shouted now. He looked at me as if to apologize, then added gently, "Just slow down sweetheart, let us take care of it. Take a seat and I'll bring you a coffee."
"Flowers!" I suddenly exclaimed. "Get some flowers sent to the family."
"I'll do it," Jenny volunteered, and the two of us went to my office together. I quickly turned on my computer, checking staff files for his home address. I was dismayed to see his Beverly Hills address still listed on file, obviously my record keeping not as thorough as I would have liked. I quickly changed it, his Santa Monica address committed to memory. Jenny was on the phone and I turned the screen so she could read it to the florist. I checked the online death notices and then just sat there staring at the screen. It made it so real.
"You okay?" Jenny asked, a friendly hand on my shoulder.
"It's just such a shock," I said, shaking my head. That poor girl, I thought, raped and now losing a baby. What a tragedy, what heartbreak. "Have you been in regular contact?" I asked Jenny, quite intrigued by this.
"Every so often," she replied. "He'd check to see how my boys little league was going." Jenny, a solo mother, had two young sons. How typical of Cassian to do that, to ask on their progress. Marcus would never do such a thing, an inner voice said. But another one replied, Marcus doesn't even know Jenny. I moved on from that thought, taking notice of the funeral details. Oh my goodness, I wondered, did Caroline know? I rang her. Yes she did know. Yes, one of her funeral homes was doing the arrangements.
Jenny was hovering, phone in hand. "Yes?" I said, too briskly really.
She didn't seem to notice. "Just wondered if you had seen photos of her?" She held out her phone. What, how did she have photos? Why had Cassian sent her photos? I took her phone, held it. A photo of a little girl with a mop of brown hair, lying on a pink blanket. Jenny indicated to scroll. Cassian sitting with the baby in his arms. Cassian standing with the baby looking over his shoulder, a perfect little face, adorable, both of them. I scrolled
back again, taking a second look, remembering how he had proudly shown me pictures straight after her birth.
"Oh my," I said, "what a beautiful baby." I reluctantly handed the phone back.
I felt devastated, disgusted with myself for not knowing. And worse, for cutting him so completely from my life. I felt shame, guilt, remorse.
Jenny went back to work and Eddie brought in two coffees.
"Is it break time?" I asked somewhat sardonically.
"No," he said definitively , "but I'm taking one." He pulled up a seat for himself. "You all right?" His tone was softer.
"Oh Eddie, that poor family," I said, "I can't even begin to comprehend what they're going through."
Eddie didn't reply. He sipped his coffee. "What happened with you two?" he said gently.
I looked up. "What do you mean?" Though I could see in his eyes what he meant.
"Oh sweetheart," Eddie sighed, as if he needed to choose his words correctly. "You two were close, I know you were."
I looked up, who knows what my expression conveyed. My mind was a jumble. What was Eddie suggesting? Was he suggesting anything?
"He was broken hearted when he left here. You meant the world to him." Eddie's focus didn't wane, his eye contact steady. What did he know, or was he just fishing? I tried to keep a neutral face, tried to keep my emotions intact. "I'm not judging Paola. I only know what I saw."
I lowered my eyes. And drank my coffee.
Eddie called to me when they were ready to deliver the food. Ray, one of the kitchen hands was accompanying Eddie in the van, and he told me to take my own car. Jenny had texted Cassian to tell him we, that is, Assisi were bringing food over. I don't know whether he assumed I would be making the journey. Well, I didn't even know if he would be at the house.
Eddie had the sense to park in the driveway, but with so many cars in the street I had to park somewhat further away. It was almost five, and with the planning and organising, I hadn't stopped to think what it would be like to see him again. Four months it had been, four months since he'd handed in his resignation, six months since I'd last made love to him. His resignation had been a short email saying it was effective immediately.
I'd treated him abysmally that day. I'd been on the phone to Marcus and I'd turned and noticed Cassian standing at the open door, offering his vest to me. I'd been immediately furious, not knowing how long he had been standing there eavesdropping and then the impertinence of wanting me to dress him. I'd shut the door in his face so to speak, and then later in the dining room reprimanded him for his tardiness in clearing tables, and in front of two other staff members as well. Which was totally out of character for me. I always liked to treat staff with respect, gently suggesting ways to improve their work habits rather than outright demeaning them. But I knew I had shamed and humiliated him that day. Really, the resignation shouldn't have surprised me, but the abruptness at which he exited my life had left a feeling of melancholy which had made me cling to Marcus like an ivy vine, like a mollusk to a rock.
I checked my make up, a quick coat of lipstick, a check of my handbag for perfume, Estée Lauder in there. I looked in my glovebox, wishing, hoping there might be a small bottle of his scent, J'adore. There was. I sprayed it liberally, though really, at a time like this it was totally inappropriate. So was my red dress and high nude pumps, but I hadn't known what this day would bring.
Eddie and Ray were already unloading once I'd got to the front door, and a woman was ushering them through to the kitchen. Three of them arrived right then, Cassian, Jakey and Raff, obviously from the pool area, because they were only dressed in swim shorts, Cassian with his cap on backwards, Jakey with a tattooed shoulder.
"Go boys," the woman directed, "go help them."
"It's all right m'am," Ray said. "We got this."
I could feel my chest rising, a tightness in it. Cassian and I looked at each other. He looked at Jakey. Jakey stepped forward first.
"Wow, this is insane," he said, "you guys didn't need to do this." And he held his hand out, and we shook and then he pulled me towards him in a hug, as if this was totally normal.
"It's the least we could do," my voice was whispery and shaky.
Raff then hugged me too. "That's just awesome, thanks so much." He pulled away and introduced me to the woman who had told them to help. "Mom, this is Miss Carson, from Assisi," he said and I was surprised he remembered my name.
"I'm Kate," she said, a stunning woman, tall, honey blonde, but with eyes that had cried a lot in the past few days, "Jakey and Raff's mom." This woman hugged me too, we exchanged greetings, she expressed her gratitude and I extended my sympathy.
And then there was me and Cassian. For a moment we just looked at one another. Four months it had been. My heart started beating manically.
"Thank you," he said, and I noticed him twirling his ring around and around on his finger, a nervous habit of his.
"I'm so sorry," I said, "for you, for your sister. It's just..." I didn't know what to say, how to finish my own sentence. My eyes were watering, and his were too. He was crying. The boy who said he didn't cry. I reached for him and his arms wrapped around me, enveloping me, and my head rested on his chest, now even bigger, harder, firmer than it had been. His chin rested on the top of my head, and I could feel his cries, his body shaking as he held me. And we just stood there together, our bodies moulded together, familiar. And it was like we were the only two people in the world, and that was all that mattered. And a thousand thoughts raced through my head of mistakes, and love and loss and longing. And the joy of being in his arms, but the pain of why I was. Of a little girl taken too soon. Of a young girl who had lost her baby. Of a love I had thrown away. I wept for all these things as he held me there, in his front room, with Eddie and Ray walking in and out, with his cousins and aunt watching.
I felt his head lift off mine and I withdrew and Jakey said, "Hey come through here, you guys." And Eddie and Ray motioned to me they were leaving and I nodded. He walked next to me, but didn't touch me, and Raff touched his shoulder and asked if he was all right. Jakey showed me to a seat in a conservatory which overlooked the pool area. A couple of kids were swimming. Cassian sat next to me, his elbows resting on his knees, wiping his eyes with his thumbs. How I wanted to brush his tears away, how vulnerable he looked. Jakey and Raff had vanished.
"Oh fuck," he sighed, "I'm sorry," as if embarrassed by his tears. "I've never cried so much in the last two days..." He looked up tentatively.
"Cassian," I said, my voice full of anxiety, "Oh why didn't you tell me? I would have wanted to help." I had no idea how, but I would have done something, anything. Raff walked back in, tossed Cassian a box of tissues. He caught them and laughed, and called, "Raff can you grab my shirt?" He wiped his eyes and blew his nose.
"Sorry, I'm a mess," he said. I smiled at him, how my heart melted in his presence.
"How's your sister?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Not good. Not good at all. They've gone to the funeral home. We're all going later." As if reading my mind, he added, "Caroline's been fantastic."
"I'm glad," I said. Raff walked through from the pool, threw a shirt at Cassian. He put it over his head, slightly getting tangled in the neck hole and I so wanted to untwist it, pull it down over his body, to touch him again. But I could only watch and lament what I had thrown away.
"I should go," I said hesitantly, but I didn't want to go at all. "I don't want to intrude on your family."
He looked around, pulled me up, lead me through an outside door, along a path, through some French doors. It was his bedroom. He looked at me. Whatever he could see in my eyes he saw it as approval, and he locked the doors and drew the curtains. He then locked the interior door, and then he looked at me again. It was madness, but I couldn't reason, couldn't think straight, and like magnets our bodies were drawn to one another. It was insanity, feeling like the first time all over again. And he kissed me with urgency, with a desire that made me fold and yield in an
instant.
"Paola," he said and I realized how I'd missed hearing my name on his lips, the way it rolled off his tongue with a fake Italian accent. His tongue wrapped around mine, and I immediately felt something missing, there was no piercing. When we broke for a second, I commented, "You've lost your piercing?"
"I didn't think I'd ever need it again," he said candidly, "so I took it out. Have I lost some of my edge?"
I grinned. "Not a bit." A low groan emitted from me, "Cassian," his name stretching to two long syllables, as he pressed his hardness against me. He guided me to his walk in closet, which wasn't large, but it had a free wall, and he leaned me against it.
"If you don't want this...?" he started to say, but I covered his mouth before he could speak another word, and my hand pulled at his swimming shorts and he unzipped the back of my dress and in a frantic, disordered world of death and dying, of love forbidden and rejected, of lust and longing we shared a passion as raw, as random as the meaning of the universe. He stepped out of his shorts and pulled my dress over my head. His hands ran through my hair releasing my top knot, and his teeth sunk into my neck.
"I've so missed that smell," he said, his nose tickling behind my ear. I let out another low groan, my inner self pulsing in anticipation. His hands cupped my breasts, freeing them from my bra and his fingers massaged my nipples. I closed my eyes, my knees feeling weak.
"Oh Cassian, my boy, my gorgeous boy, please." And I guided him inside me, waiting for his thrusts, delighting in his return. For some inexplicable reason, I quipped, "Return of the Jedi," and he added, "The Jedi master," and we both laughed. Then he drove into me again, and again, and in a way I didn't realize I had missed till that exact moment, when he thrust and paused, biting his lip as if that helped him keep control, I knew that I could not let him go again, that I could never live without him. That without him I was not really living.