So I decided to call Minnie, which was what I did, telling her everything about yesterday and today.
That was, telling her everything except about Nails and Gash. I just told her I saw a brother with a woman, but I told her I didn’t see either face. She seemed to have bought it and she also wasn’t surprised.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m kind of getting sick of a crazy life.”
“This’ll pass, Clary,” she said softly. “It’ll all smooth out.”
I didn’t think it would.
What I thought was, this was my life, and until Buck was through with me, I had no choice in that matter.
I thought this because Buck had told me straight out this was the case.
I had, that day, given a moment to thinking what he’d do if I just left.
And in that moment, I had another moment.
One of understanding that I didn’t want to find out.
“He scared me last night, Min, and he hurt me,” I whispered.
“You shouldn’t have stood in his way,” she whispered back, and I closed my eyes when she confirmed Buck’s assertion. “Our boys, they get pissed, especially about something like that, you step back and let ’em do what they gotta do.”
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.
“Seems to me, the rule is, you have to let them do what they have to do all the time,” I observed.
“Oh no, honey, like I said yesterday, with the Club, out in the world, that’s the way it is. But behind closed doors, it’s just him and you, you let fly. You be you. It’s just out in the world, he’s the man, and that’s it. And, if shit goes down, like with Tatiana, you do what you did. Though, you fucked up and tried to get him to stop and phone the cops, I’m talkin’ in the end. You take care of his girl and you let him take care of business.”
“Well, I hope that never happens again, so I don’t have to take care of Tatie, not that way.”
“Me too,” Minnie agreed, her words heavy. “How’s she doin’?”
I took in a breath and on the exhale, said, “Not good. She hits a dark place and she does it often. This can’t be unusual. She went through hell just last night. I just don’t know what to do with her. I think I should talk to Buck about a psychologist.”
To my surprise, this suggestion was met with hysterical laughter.
“Min?” I called through her laughter.
“Babe, you crack me up,” she replied.
I sat up in the bed, crossing my legs under me. “What’s funny about that?”
“Sister, we do not go to psychologists. We take care a’ shit in the family. Are you not gettin’ that?”
Oh, I was getting that.
I just didn’t agree.
“I’m not certain we have the tools to guide Tatiana out of that dark place, Minnie. Three college boys attacked her last night. They took her underwear. They nearly raped her.”
“Yeah, and you said Buck called Kristy and told her what happened, and that Tatiana wasn’t goin’ home for a week.”
This was true.
Buck had done this.
Though it wasn’t as simple as that.
The phone call lasted a long time and had not been happy.
It had been unhappy, not because Tatiana’s mother had been told the dire news her daughter had been attacked and beaten and she was upset like any mother would be. But from what I could tell (and Gear and Tatiana could tell), it seemed that Kristy was pissed just to be pissed.
I didn’t know how I could tell that, I just could.
What surprised me about this was that Buck didn’t absent himself to shield his children, but instead had this conversation, his side of it low and toxic, while wandering the kitchen being obviously ticked off.
And it ended, not with Kristy agreeing that Tatiana should be with her dad, who she adored and clearly felt safe with, something she didn’t feel with this Knuckles guy, and have some time away from school to rest and heal.
Instead, it ended with Buck inviting Kristy to, “Do whatever the fuck you gotta do, bitch,” and disconnecting the call.
Minnie’s voice carried on in my ear.
“You bring her to the office and Lorie, Pinky, and me’ll bring in Debbie. Debbie and us, we’ll help her outta that dark place.”
“Is Debbie a social worker?”
“No, Debbie’s an ex-’ho who hooked up with Riot.”
I blinked at Buck’s, rather attractive, I had to admit, paisley comforter cover that had dense swirls and curves of rust, gray and blue with hints of cream.
An ex-’ho?
As in…
Prostitute?
Then I breathed, “Pardon?”
“Debbie’s solid. Shit life. She was raped when she was fifteen. Went off the rails. Got hooked up with some bad people, bad shit. She’s clean now and her and Riot are tight. They got married last Christmas, big fuckin’ party. She’s livin’ the good life now. She saw the other side and she’s there. Ain’t no dark places for Debbie.”
I knew Riot. He was a member of the Club. He had lots of long, curly hair, a big barrel chest, wasn’t very tall and had an easy smile.
He was advancing toward middle age and not the way Buck was, looking younger than his years. Riot looked exactly as old as I figured he was, maybe older.
He didn’t work much out on jobs, he mostly worked in the store, but he came in regularly for coffee, cupcakes or cookies.
Last, he seemed a good guy of the Ink and Cruise variety, funny, teasing and could be gentle.
Gash, Minnie’s man, wasn’t funny, teasing and could be gentle. He was rough, had an edge and an attitude, like his woman.
My eyes scanned the room and fell on Buck’s photo frames.
When they did, for some reason, my legs went out from under me and I scooted off the bed, going to the dresser as I said, “So, you think she’ll be okay talking to Tatie?”
“She’ll be good with her. We’ll all be good with her, Clary. The family’ll see her through.”
I stared at Buck’s photos.
I’d dusted them and the dresser just that day.
Right then, I lifted my hand and made adjustments, moving photos so I could see them from behind other photos, shifting frames, my eyes running over them all.
“So,” I said softly into the phone, “the Club is family?”
“Yeah, babe, the boys, a brotherhood. Tighter than blood. Unbreakable. Even when they don’t get along, like now, it evens out, and it’s all good. They all know that, they just gotta work through their issues. We’re along for that ride. We hook up, we’re in. The brotherhood is the most important. Brothers then bitches, you know it, you live with it. But I been hooked up with assholes out there in the world and I’ll take my brother and his family anytime, rather than playin’ those games out there.”
I had to admit, being burned by Rogan and watching Tia get abused by Esposito, she had a point.
“Tighter than blood?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she answered.
“What about children?” I asked.
“That’s different, babe, kids are kids.”
“Oh,” I muttered, not actually getting it, then asked, “The brothers aren’t getting along?”
There was silence then, “Buck hasn’t shared?”
I adjusted a frame, not really looking at it. “No.”
“Uh…maybe I should let him do that.”
My hand arrested on a frame, and I whispered, “Is it bad?”
“They’re a brotherhood, Clary, but that don’t mean they see eye to eye on everything.”
Oh dear.
That didn’t sound good.
I knew the members now, and knowing them, I would guess a difference of opinion would manifest itself in far more dangerous ways than out in “the world.”
I stared at the frames. The people in them, save Buck, Tatiana and Gear, I didn’t know, and Buck hadn’t told me.
At the same time, I thought about what Minnie said, troubl
e in the Club, and I had no idea. And Buck had mentioned different uses for women, but he wouldn’t enlighten me, even though I’d asked. Further, there was the situation where Tatie had busted up a car and got caught joyriding, and he hadn’t told me that either.
It seemed there was quite a bit Buck didn’t share.
I now lived in a complicated world I didn’t understand, making the decision to enter that world during a trauma and without the information I needed, and now I was stuck.
There were things I didn’t like, things I didn’t get and things I wanted to know, and where I was, I had no right to know until Buck deigned to tell me.
None of this was good.
And none of it I could do a thing about.
“Clara, are you there?” Minnie called.
I adjusted a frame.
“I’m here,” I said, felt a presence, turned my head and saw Buck, wearing jeans, a T-shirt, boots and a very cool leather jacket with a bunch of patches on it I’d never seen him wear before, striding into the room. “Buck just got home,” I told Minnie, my eyes watching him approach me.
“Cool, I’ll let you go.”
“That isn’t necessary,” I stated as Buck stopped close to me.
His eyes shifted to the frames then to me. Then he bent and kissed my nose, turned and I saw the back of the jacket was exactly like the tattoo he had on his back, something I’d noted was on the leather vests or jackets many of the members wore, but the other members wore them all the time, not including Ink, Cruise, Gash and Riot who wore theirs only occasionally.
Presently, Buck shrugged it off, tossed it on the bed, and he walked straight back out.
“Now he’s gone. Beer time,” I guessed.
“Right,” she replied.
My eyes slid through the pictures then I walked to the bed and sat down next to his jacket. “I’ll talk to Tatiana tomorrow. I’ll let you know when to set up Debbie.”
“She’ll be okay,” Minnie assured.
I sighed then said, “I hope so.”
“Go be with your man,” she urged.
“Right,” I whispered, not sure I wanted to do that.
“Later, babe.”
“Later, Min.”
I disconnected, got up, walked to my nightstand and dropped the phone on top.
Then I heard, “Toots?”
I turned to see Tatiana standing in her pajamas just inside the door.
I smiled.
I liked her calling me Toots in that quiet, sweet voice.
“Hey, honey,” I replied.
“I’m…gonna,” she looked away and back at me, clearly hesitant, “hit the sack.”
“All right, sweetie. Good night.”
“Would you…?” She leaned in a bit then back and muttered, “Never mind.”
She started to leave, and I quickly walked forward, calling, “Tatie.”
She stopped, turned back to me, and I got close.
“What do you want, honey?” I asked softly.
“It’s stupid,” she whispered.
“Nothing’s stupid,” I assured her. “What do you want?”
She stared up at me and did this awhile.
“Baby,” I said gently, lifting a hand and shifting her hair off her shoulder. “Tell me what you want.”
“Would you…lie down with me? Just for a while. Just until I sleep. Talk to me like last night?”
Instantly I nodded, giving her a smile. “Let me get my nightgown on, you go lie down, and I’ll be right in.”
She stared up at me some more, unable to hide the surprise she felt at my easy agreement to her request, giving further evidence to the fact that her mom was seriously not much of a mom, before she whispered, “Thanks, Toots.”
“Anything, honey,” I whispered back.
She ducked her head and left the room.
I put on my nightie and robe, washed my face, brushed my teeth, moisturized and left the room too.
I walked to hers, closed the door behind me and crawled into her bed on top of her covers.
She curled into me, and I held her close, whispering to her, pieces of nothing, snatches of my life. The good parts, like Tia, her loyalty, her humor, her spirit (before Esposito broke it, though I didn’t share that), and Mrs. Jimenez, her tamales, how cute her grandchildren were, and other things, like how much I enjoyed college.
I did this until she was asleep.
And I stayed there until I fell asleep.
21
It’s the World as I Want It to Be
I was being lifted.
I opened my eyes and automatically my arms rounded Buck’s shoulders as I looked around Tatiana’s dark room.
Buck carried me out the door, dropped the arm under my knees, and my toes skimmed the floor as he closed Tatiana’s door.
“Buck, she needs me,” I whispered.
My feet hit the floor full, and he turned us toward his room, moving us that direction.
“She had you, now she needs to sleep.”
“She needs company,” I told him as he guided us into his room and closed his door.
“She needs to sleep alone, Toots, like always,” he replied, stopping us by the bed.
“Okay, you’re right, but she can do that tomorrow. Tonight, it’s still fresh.”
“Sooner’s better than later,” he returned, tugging on the tie to my robe.
“Buck,” I protested as the robe came loose and he raised his hands to pull it off my shoulders.
“I get it, babe, you’re in there for her. You’re also in there to avoid me.”
Hmm.
It was annoying when he figured me out.
“That’s not true,” I lied.
The robe was gone, his hands slid over my bottom and he pulled me to him as his head bent.
I felt his lips against mine, and he changed the subject.
“Gonna fuck you slow now, baby, remind you how much you like bein’ connected to me, remind you why you chose me, and I’m gonna take my time doin’ it.”
Oh my.
“Buck—” I started, but his fingers flexed on my behind and his mouth captured mine.
Instantly, it began.
Buck knew it and he didn’t waste time.
He lifted me, spread my legs. They clamped around his hips, and he put a knee to the bed.
Then I was on my back and Buck was on top of me, his hands drifting over me, light. Lighter than he’d ever touched me, and it made me shiver in a good way.
He did this while he kissed me, and he kissed me a long time, just his mouth on mine, his tongue in my mouth, his warm, strong hands gliding over my nightgown.
He’d never taken this much time with my mouth and I liked it.
There was something sweet about it.
Something beautiful.
His lips finally detached from mine to roam my neck, collarbone, chest, as one of his hands cupped a breast, thumb making lazy circles on my nipple. That sweet feeling intensified, and I shifted under him, my hands going under his T-shirt, pulling it up, his head and arms came with it, and I tugged it off.
Then his mouth was on mine again, our tongues dancing, his thumb doing nothing but those lazy circles, his hand hot on my breast, mine drifting across the skin of his back.
God, sweet.
I arched my back and moved my mouth from his, breathing, “Buck.”
“Want more of me, baby?” he whispered against my neck.
I pressed my breast deeper into his hand by arching my back again.
“Yes,” I whispered back unnecessarily.
His tongue glided along the length of my neck from shoulder to jaw before he shifted down my body. At the same time, he shoved my short nightie up so it bunched around my ribs. His hands left my ribs and went behind my knees, lifting and spreading them. Then his mouth was on me over my panties.
Oh God.
My back arched again, and with it went my neck, my fingers sliding in his hair.
I loved it when he did this to
me. He liked the taste of me, and he didn’t mind me knowing it.
But usually, he was hungry.
Usually, he was insatiable, taking all I could give, taking it hard, fast, draining me.
This time, he didn’t.
This time, he savored, he played, he teased.
Torture.
Beautiful torture, all of it over my undies, and I liked it, but I wanted only him against me.
My fingers went from his hair to my panties and I pushed down. Buck rolled away. I lifted my legs, and he took over, tugging my undies off, tossing them aside, rolling back, his hands spreading my legs wide and his mouth returned.
There it was, the hunger, his tongue driving into me, his lips latching on and pulling deep.
“God,” I panted, lifting my hips in encouragement and plunging my fingers back into his hair. “Yes.”
It had already started, built up. Now, it was racing fast.
So fast, I didn’t have time to hold on.
So fast, all I could do was let go.
I did that.
My back left the bed, my neck arching so much the top of my head was in the pillow, my fingers fisted in his hair, my lips opened, and my moan was long and silent.
Silent or not, Buck knew he’d made me climax and I wasn’t done when his body covered mine and I felt him thrust inside me. His face went into my neck, his hand at the top of my head fisting in my hair, holding me still as he drove up, rocking my body with his thrusts. His hand went between us, his thumb hitting the spot and my body jerked as his touch and the driving power of our connection scored through me.
“Buck,” I breathed.
He ground himself inside of me.
“You love that,” he rumbled in my ear, his thumb rolling.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Buck ground in deeper. “Tell me how much you love it, baby.”
My arms had circled his shoulders, my legs the same with his hips, and I lifted mine to deepen our connection.
Buck’s thumb rolled again.
“God,” I breathed, my neck arching again.
“Tell me how much you love it, Clara.”
I twisted my neck and pressed my lips to his. “I love it, Buck, it’s the world as I want it to be.”
Still Standing Page 28