‘I want to go back to my other school,’ he sobbed. ‘I don’t know anyone’s name. I don’t have any friends here.’
Neither do I, I thought grimly. ‘You’ll make friends.’ I stroked his cheek.
‘Don’t leave me,’ he cried.
‘You’ll be fine,’ I said, tears filling my eyes.
‘Come along, this way.’ Mrs Roberts half dragged him into the classroom.
I waved, forcing a cheery smile to my face, fighting back tears. I turned to see if any other mothers were feeling emotional too, but they were all standing in little clusters. I was on my own.
As the school door closed, I turned and walked to the tube, sobbing all the way.
At nine thirty I was sitting in the reception area, waiting for Babs. She swept in, wearing enormous sunglasses and an animal-print jumpsuit.
‘Morning, Tiger,’ I said, grinning at her.
‘Leopard, actually.’ Babs raised her sunglasses and looked me up and down. ‘Not bad, except for the dorky shoes. Flat shoes make your ankles look fat.’
‘Thanks for that. I’ve just left Yuri crying inconsolably and I’m feeling really fragile, so can you tone down the negative comments?’
‘Oh, don’t get all sensitive. I’m just being honest. Would you prefer me to lie?’
‘On my first day at a new job? Yes, absolutely. Feel free to lie for the rest of the day.’
I followed my sister through Reception and into the studio. Babs introduced me to everyone. I met the producer, Gary Mason, who was classically tall, dark and handsome. His wedding ring didn’t stop him openly flirting with Babs. It made my stomach turn. It was half past nine in the morning and he was a married man. Babs was all giggly around him. I was shocked – seriously? This married guy? Would she ever learn? I’d have to talk to her about it later. Married men were off-limits.
Babs then introduced me to the two researchers, Hannah and Tania, who were very friendly and bubbly, and to the director, Karen, who was very no-nonsense in a way I liked. Finally, I met two cameramen and a soundman.
The studio was made up of a big open space where they shot most of the show. The room was divided in two: one side was set up as a living room, with couches and chairs; the other had a 360-degree mirror and rails of clothes. To the left of the studio there was a small kitchen, a medium-sized lounge and a small makeup room.
‘Right,’ Karen said, clapping her hands. ‘Let’s have a meeting to run through the show.’
Everyone sat down in the ‘living room’, and Karen went through the running order. Gary sat beside Babs and very subtly touched the back of her neck with his hand as he stretched out his arm. I watched my sister’s cheeks flush. Damn, this was bad.
‘We have two women coming in today. They’re best friends. One is a farmer’s wife and the other is a divorcee, whose husband left her for another man, so, understandably, her self-esteem is very low. It’s going to be a good show – audiences love a sad story and it doesn’t get sadder than being dumped for a bloke.’
‘Love it!’ Babs whooped. ‘A gay husband is brilliant.’
‘Just be careful, Babs. No homophobic comments,’ Gary warned her.
Babs batted her eyelashes at him. ‘But I’m allowed to mention that her husband prefers back entry, right?’
Gary threw back his head and laughed loudly. Far too loudly, as far as I was concerned. It wasn’t that funny.
‘Was she always like this?’ Karen asked me.
I opened my mouth to answer, but Babs cut across me: ‘When she’s at work, Emma is not my sister, she’s the new makeup artist. I don’t want anyone asking her questions about me. Let’s keep it professional, please.’
How professional is sleeping with your boss? I wondered.
The meeting went on and I tried to follow their quick-fire chat. Eventually, the schedule was nailed down and it was time for makeup.
‘Right, Emma, let’s get you to work. We need Babs ready to shoot the opening scene at twelve thirty,’ Gary said, sounding every inch the producer.
I jumped up. ‘No problem.’ I followed her into the makeup room and set to work.
Babs sat back in the chair. ‘What do you think of Gary?’
‘He’s married.’
‘He’s very sexy.’
I stopped blending foundation into my sister’s cheeks. ‘Don’t even think about it. Remember the last time?’
Babs had slept with her married boss in her last job as a TV presenter and had ended up being threatened by his wife and her thug of a brother.
Babs rolled her eyes. ‘That was different. Gary’s not like him. He’s a great guy.’
‘Let me be very clear.’ I forced Babs to look at me. ‘Stay away from married men. OK? Believe me, it’s hard enough for us married women to maintain a good relationship with our husbands, what with kids and work and mid-life crises, without young single girls hitting on them. Gary has a wife and I’m sure she’s a very nice person, like me, so leave him alone.’
Babs laughed. ‘You’re not that nice.’
‘Compared to you, I’m Mother Teresa.’ Babs closed her eyes as I applied eye-shadow. ‘Find yourself a nice single guy and have a normal relationship.’
‘You sound like Mum!’ Babs said sarcastically.
‘Mum has a point. I mean, you’re not far off thirty now. Don’t you want to settle down?’
Babs looked incredulous. ‘And end up like you and James with your boring life, sitting in watching TV? Are you mad?’
‘It’s not boring, it’s secure and comfortable.’ I bristled. Sometimes it was a bit boring, but I liked my life. It wasn’t nice to hear it dismissed out of hand in one sentence.
Babs shrugged. ‘All right, so you like it that way. But I don’t want the same things as you. I want to be the top-earning female presenter in the UK and then I’m going to America to earn tons of cash over there and buy a massive house on the beach in Malibu.’
I wondered for the millionth time where Babs had come from. Honestly, someone must have switched babies at the hospital. She had completely different DNA from everyone else in our family or, indeed, anyone I had ever met. Mind you, a big house on the beach in Malibu did sound nice.
‘Chop-chop, Emma. I need to start filming in ten minutes.’ Babs clapped her hands.
I finished doing her makeup and she examined herself in the mirror. ‘Much as I hate to admit it, you’re very good at your job. I look amazing.’
‘Gee, thanks.’ I added some lip-gloss. ‘I’m serious, Babs. Stay away from Gary. Married men are trouble. A man who cheats on his wife is a scumbag.’ I left the other bit unsaid – that a woman who knowingly carries on with a married man is a bitch.
‘You don’t even know him so stop going on about it.’
I sighed. Would my sister ever grow up? I followed her out to the set.
While they set up for filming the opening segment, I snuck into the Ladies to call Claire.
‘They’re fine, Emma. They had a good morning,’ she said.
‘OK. Put them on to me for a minute,’ I asked, desperate to hear in their voices that they were not traumatized by their first day.
‘Hi, Mummy,’ Lara said, sounding so young and sweet. ‘School was good. I did colouring and I have a new friend called Bella who has sparkly Peppa Pig shoes.’
‘I’m so happy to hear that. You’re such a good girl. Will you give the phone to Yuri now? … Hi, Yuri, how was school?’ I asked.
I could hear him breathing heavily down the phone. ‘Well, it was OK, but I don’t have any friends. I wish Connor was in this school. I wish we could go back home, Mummy. I don’t like London.’ Yuri’s voice broke and I tried not to cry for him.
‘I know it’s hard, sweetheart, but you’ll make new friends soon, I promise. I’ll tell you what, will Mummy bring you home a treat to cheer you up? How about a packet of chocolate buttons?’
‘White ones?’
‘Yes.’
‘A big packet?’
‘The biggest one they have.’
‘OK.’
‘Good boy.’
‘Mummy?’
‘Yes, Yuri.’
‘Are you coming home soon?’
‘In a little bit. I have to work for a while longer, but then I’ll come straight home. Put me on to Claire.’
‘Emma?’
‘Hi, is Yuri really all right? He sounds upset. Was he crying when you picked him up? What did the teacher say?’
‘Honestly, Emma, he’s fine. Both of their teachers said they had a good first day. Yuri wasn’t crying. He was a bit quiet, that’s all.’
‘Well, give them a big hug for me.’
‘I will, and I promised to make brownies with them, if that’s all right?’
‘That’s great. Thanks.’
‘No problem. Please don’t worry about anything.’
I hung up feeling better. They were in excellent hands. Thank God I’d found a nice nanny. I’d known it was going to be hard not picking them up from school, but I hadn’t banked on it being this hard. I was worried about them settling in and it was taking a lot of willpower not to dash out of the studio and hop into a taxi. I struggled to compose myself and get my emotions under control. It will all work out OK, I repeated, like a mantra.
‘Emma, can we have you back on set, please?’ Karen called.
I stuffed my phone into my pocket and pushed back my shoulders. I had to stay focused. Back to work …
8
I powdered Babs’s forehead, removing the shine, then stood back to watch her work. She sat on the couch and spoke to camera.
‘On today’s show we’re going to meet Mary and Glenda from Devon. Mary is fifty-six, married to a farmer, and spends most of her days in wellies and woolly jumpers. She’s badly in need of a fashion make-over. Glenda is Mary’s best friend. She’s fifty-two and recently her husband left her for – you won’t believe this – another man! Glenda’s husband didn’t run off with the local barmaid, he ran off with the local butcher. As you can imagine, Glenda’s confidence is at rock bottom, so I’m going to help her find herself again and, hopefully, next time, she’ll meet a man who prefers women.’
Karen brought in Mary and Glenda. They looked nervous and excited. Babs went over to greet them. Mary was small and round, with short black hair and a friendly smile. Glenda was tall and broad, with shoulder-length brown hair.
Karen asked them to sit on the couch and told them that Babs was going to talk to them on camera.
‘But we’ve no makeup on,’ Glenda said, sounding worried.
‘That’s the point. We want you to look as bad as possible so the make-over is more spectacular,’ Babs explained. ‘Just act natural and answer my questions. Don’t worry, I’m brilliant at this. Just follow my lead.’
The camera rolled, and Babs began to give her initial assessment. ‘Well, Mary, how long is it since you went to a hairdresser?’
Mary put her hand up to her hair. ‘About a year. I’ve been cutting it myself.’
‘I gathered that, and are you cutting it with sheep shears? It’s an absolute disgrace. No self-respecting woman would go out like that. We’ve a lot of work to do on you. Now, is this what you normally wear? Jumpers and saggy, shapeless jeans?’
‘Well, you see, I spend most of my days helping my husband on the farm, so I go for practical, warm clothes.’
Babs raised an eyebrow. ‘Listen, Mary, if you don’t want to find your husband shagging sheep, you need to smarten up. Those baggy jeans are going straight to the bin, along with that awful green knitted jumper.’
Mary looked a bit taken aback. ‘Is she always this rude?’ she asked Karen.
‘She’s usually worse. Don’t worry, the viewers love it,’ Karen assured her. Turning to Babs she said, ‘You can’t say “shagging sheep” on daytime TV.’
Babs rolled her eyes. ‘Listen, Mary, if you don’t want your husband to dump you, like Glenda’s did, you need to smarten up.’ She looked at Karen. ‘Was that tame enough for you?’
Karen nodded. ‘Perfect. Carry on.’
Babs turned her attention to Glenda. ‘Now, Glenda, I know your husband turned out to be a bender, but I have to say, you really aren’t going to keep any man, straight or gay, looking like that. There’s no excuse in this day and age for a woman to have a moustache. You look like you have a furry animal on your face.’
Glenda’s hand flew to her upper lip. ‘I – I usually wax it, but I’ve been very upset lately.’
Babs wagged a finger at her. ‘Glenda, we all have problems, and it’s still not OK to let yourself go. No woman should go around town with a crumb-catcher like that on her face. We’re going to get rid of it. Now, what do you do? Do you work? Are you at home? Do you have kids?’
Glenda, with her hand still covering her upper lip, answered, ‘I’m a postmistress and I don’t have any children.’
‘Well, no surprise there! I doubt there was much going on in your bedroom. Did you never suspect your husband was gay?’
Glenda shook her head. ‘We got married late in life, I was forty-two and I just thought he wasn’t interested in sex.’
Babs leant in. ‘Glenda, all heterosexual men are into sex. Anytime, anywhere, anyhow, even when they’re ninety.’
She had a point there. James was never not in the mood, even when he was exhausted. The only time he wouldn’t have sex was when England was playing rugby. Then he had eyes only for the TV.
Glenda sighed and looked downcast. Babs took her hand. ‘But the good news is, I’m going to make you look so hot that you’ll be having sex for years to come. Now, we have a lot of work to do. Your arse and boobs are dragging all over the floor. We need to get you into some iron underwear, then find you some decent clothes and a proper hairstyle. Don’t worry, Glenda, when I’ve finished with you, even Mary’s husband will be begging you for sex.’
Mary’s head nearly spun off. ‘What?’
Ignoring her, Babs looked at the camera. ‘Now we’re going to get these ladies to strip down to their undies so we can get a good look at where their flabby parts are and figure out how to hide them. It won’t be easy, but I’m kind of awesome at this so watch this space.’
The two ladies were asked to take their clothes off behind a curtain and then to stand in the 360-degree mirror, with all their bits on view. I would have run from the building screaming if anyone suggested I had to strip down and look at all my flabby bits in that torture chamber. Babs came over to stand by me while the cameramen were shooting.
‘Jesus, they’re a pair of ugly heifers. I know I’m good, but I need something to work with. Mary’s nearly as short as Yuri and Glenda has shoulders like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. How the hell am I supposed to make them look good?’
I watched the two women take turns to be filmed in their underwear and wondered what on earth would possess any woman to expose herself on a show like this. Unhappiness and desperation made people do crazy things. I was determined to make them up so they looked lovely. I studied their faces and worked out what makeup would suit their colouring. ‘Have a heart, Babs. Poor Glenda needs kindness, not criticism.’
Babs ate a piece of chocolate. ‘I’m presenting a make-over show. It’s not Dr bloody Phil. I’m sorry her husband turned out to be a sausage jockey, but my only job is to make her look better – and it’s a big ask. Still, by the time I’ve finished with her, she’ll feel a million times better and she won’t look like Whatshisface.’
‘Tom Selleck?’ We giggled.
‘Yes. I’m going to wax her to within an inch of her life. There’s no excuse for a woman to have hairy anything. It’s disgusting.’
Speaking of waxing, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had my bikini line done. I’d have to sort it out. I wasn’t very hairy, but it definitely needed pruning. Babs had a point.
‘No man wants to have sex with a gorilla. Hollywood wax all the way.’
‘Is the Hollywood the one where you get it all waxed off?’
I asked.
Babs spun around. ‘Are you telling me you have hair down there?’
‘Yes, of course. It’s natural.’
‘It’s gross.’
‘No, it isn’t.’
‘No woman should have hair anywhere down there.’
‘I think it’s weird to have none. It looks freaky.’
‘Well, I haven’t had any complaints.’
‘Don’t give Mary and Glenda Hollywoods – they’ll have heart-attacks.’ I was genuinely worried about the two women being plucked alive.
‘We don’t do bikini waxes. The budget only allows for upper lip and legs.’
Karen joined us. ‘Right, Babs, we need some commentary about their shapes – go easy on them, stick to pears and apples, all right?’
Babs put her hands on her hips. ‘You hired me because I’m honest. Neither of them looks like a pear or an apple. They look like big fat sausage rolls.’
I touched up Babs’s makeup and watched my sister stride over to the women.
Gary walked over to me. His jeans were too tight and he was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Bob Marley smoking weed on it. It looked ridiculous. He was clearly having a mid-life crisis, which I was pretty sure included shagging my sister. I tried not to be repulsed by him. After all, he was my boss too.
‘Was she like this as a kid?’ he drawled, pointing to Babs.
Was he serious? Did he really want to shoot the breeze with me about my sister? Did he not realize I could see through him? He was pathetic. Maybe the tightness of his jeans was making his brain function slower. I tried to be polite. ‘Oh, yes. In fact, she’s mellowed a bit since then.’
He chuckled. ‘I’ve only been working on the show three months, but I’ve been in TV for fifteen years and I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s a total fireball.’
If he hadn’t been my boss and it hadn’t been my first day, I would have told him to stay away from my sister and go home to his wife. But I didn’t want to get fired yet, and I needed to find out from Babs what exactly was going on between them. I prayed it was just a harmless flirtation, but I could tell from the way they looked at each other that there was a whole lot of sex going on. I’d have to try and talk sense into Babs.
Mad About You Page 9