I sat down shakily.
‘Emma, I need you to listen and not speak. I spent all of last night thinking about having a child on my own. And the bottom line is, I can’t do it. I don’t want to bring up a kid by myself. I stupidly thought Gary would leave his wife and we’d play happy families. I can’t believe I was so moronic and naïve.’ She sighed and twisted her hands together tightly. ‘Anyway, the thing is, I can barely look after myself. What the hell am I going to do with a baby? I was all gung-ho about it yesterday because in a way I wanted to have the baby to spite Gary, to throw it in his face. But that’s not a reason to give birth. I’m ambitious, I want a big career in TV, and a kid now is just not going to fit into my life. I’d be a shitty mother. We both know I don’t like kids, only yours, and even then I’m always glad to get home to my own space.’
‘I’ll help you,’ I interrupted. ‘I’ll look after the baby for you when you’re working. You’ll probably be a great mother. Yuri and Lara adore you.’
‘Yeah, because I’m the cool aunt who gives them junk food and huge presents. That’s who I am, Emma. I’m the aunt, not the mother. I don’t want the responsibility of motherhood. I started having a panic attack last night thinking about nappies and bottles and prams and schools and –’
I cut across her – I had to make her see that an abortion was not the answer: ‘That’s normal! All first-time mothers panic.’
Babs gripped my arm. ‘Emma, come on, we both know I’d be a disaster. I like my freedom. I’m selfish and egocentric and very ambitious. A baby will not fit into my life. I see how much you give to your kids and I admire you for it. But I am not going to bring a child into this world whose father doesn’t want to know it and whose mother can’t look after it.’
I was touched. Babs had never told me she admired me for anything.
‘I don’t want to sit at home with a baby. I don’t want to give up my life and live in the suburbs and become one of those boring school mums. I feel sorry for them.’
And in one fell swoop she was back to insulting me.
‘It’s not boring. OK, sometimes it is, but it’s also magical and fulfilling and joyful and precious. This baby is Yuri and Lara’s cousin. Think of the lovely times we’ll have together with our kids.’
‘I’d hate it. I could think of nothing worse than being on a beach or in a restaurant with screaming kids. After an hour in your house I want to run out the door – and, as I say, I like your kids. Emma, I know myself. I cannot do this.’
I paused and then I spoke all in a rush, not even knowing exactly what I was saying. ‘OK, I’ll raise it. We can pretend I adopted another child. Then no one needs to know. You can say you’ve put on weight, then take a little sabbatical and I’ll just arrive home and say I adopted another baby. No one will ever find out.’
Babs stared at me. ‘Are you mental? There is no way I’m going to have a child, hand it over to you and pretend it’s not mine. Forget it, Emma. Nothing, and I mean nothing, you can say will change my mind. When I made this appointment, the only thing I felt was relief. I know this is the right decision.’
I could see that she was absolutely determined to go through with it, but I gave it one last shot. ‘I’m begging you, please just come out with me and have a coffee and talk about it some more. Please don’t do it today. It could be a gorgeous little girl, a mini you. Please, just reconsider.’
Babs shook her head sadly. ‘Stop it, Emma. Just stop.’
Before I could say anything else, Babs’s name was called. I stood up and followed her through the door.
She turned back to me. ‘I’ll do this bit alone. I just need you to be here after, to help me get home. They said I might be a bit shaky after.’
I glared at her. ‘I am not sitting out here while you go in there alone. No way. I said I’d be here for you and I will.’
Babs nodded. ‘OK, but no more talking.’
Babs was taken to change into a gown and I met her in the ultrasound room. The doctor explained that they had to confirm the pregnancy, check the size of the foetus and rule out any potential problems or pitfalls. I tried to hold her hand as we stared at the screen, but she swatted me away.
‘You look about ten weeks gone,’ the doctor said, as we watched the little black shadow on the screen.
I stifled a sob.
The doctor asked Babs if she still wanted to go ahead with the procedure. In a very firm voice, she said, ‘Yes.’
I gave it one last shot. ‘Please don’t do this.’
She glared at me.
The doctor looked at his notes. ‘I see you’ve opted for a surgical termination with a local anaesthetic.’
‘What does that mean?’ I asked. ‘How long will it take? Well … How does it happen? What do I need to do? Can I stay with her?’
Babs sat up and wiped the ultrasound gel from her stomach. ‘No. I’m doing this bit alone. You can wait for me outside.’
The doctor asked the nurse to show me back to the waiting room and told me they’d call me when Babs was ready to go home. I kissed my sister on the cheek. She felt ice cold.
I hesitated. ‘Babs, I –’
‘Go.’ She pushed me away.
As the nurse escorted me out of the room, I asked her what the procedure would involve. She explained that a speculum is inserted into the vagina and then a local anaesthetic is administered to the cervix. Then a narrow tube, attached to an aspirator device, is inserted into the uterus and the contents are emptied using suction.
I put my hands over my mouth to stop the cry escaping.
The nurse patted me on the back. ‘The procedure takes about ten minutes. Your friend?’
‘Sister.’
‘Your sister will experience cramps and bleeding afterwards. We’ll keep her in the recovery room for about forty minutes to check her blood pressure and heart rate, and then, all being well, you can take her home.’
Exactly forty-five minutes later a nurse escorted Babs into the waiting room. She was bent over and shuffling. I jumped up and ran to help her. The nurse handed me a bottle of antibiotics. ‘Make sure your sister takes them,’ she instructed.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked. ‘You’re really pale.’
‘I just want to get out of here,’ she muttered.
‘Come back to my house. I’ll look after you,’ I said. ‘You shouldn’t be on your own.’
Babs nodded silently. She was shivering. I wrapped my coat around her shoulders. There were no words left to say. The whole way home in the taxi, she stared out of the window, bending over every now and then as the cramps stabbed at her. When we got back to my house, she had a shower and put on a pair of my pyjamas. I tucked her up in the spare bedroom and pumped her full of painkillers.
‘Thanks,’ she whispered. ‘I know you don’t approve of what I did, but thanks for being there for me.’
Tears slid down my cheeks. ‘I’m glad I could be. It’s just a pity it had to end this way.’
Babs rolled away from me and began to cry softly. I rubbed her back as she sobbed. It broke my heart to see my ballsy, confident sister so crushed.
After a few minutes she stopped crying. She said, ‘I don’t ever want to talk about this again. I never want it mentioned. I’m going to block it out and move past it. I have to.’ Her voice began to break. Gathering her composure, she added, ‘As far as I’m concerned, it never happened.’
‘Maybe you should think about counselling,’ I suggested.
‘Emma, I don’t need counselling. I need you to promise me that you’ll forget this and never bring it up with me again.’
‘I can’t promise to forget it, but I promise not to raise the subject if you really don’t want me to. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about it any time you feel like it.’
‘I will never discuss it again.’
‘Fine.’ I wasn’t going to argue with her now. ‘Look, you’re not going to feel very well for a few days. What do you want me to say to work?’
‘Tell them I have the flu and I’ll be back on Monday. I’ll be fine after the weekend. I need work to distract me. I’m going to show that bastard he can’t ruin my career. I’m going back to work with a vengeance.’ She pulled the duvet up and buried her head under it.
‘OK – but, Babs, you need to look after yourself. Only go in on Monday if you feel up to it. Why don’t you stay here for the weekend?’
‘I’d like that,’ she said wearily. ‘Now can you go?’
I kissed her head and left her to sleep away her memories and block out her pain.
26
It was nice having Babs with us. She seemed to like having the children around and was very affectionate with them. She was still tired and crampy, but I didn’t see anything to suggest that she regretted her decision or was depressed. It wouldn’t have been my choice, but I understood that it just hadn’t been the right time for her – or the right man. That was for sure.
On Saturday night, James and I were due to go to his parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary party. I didn’t want to leave Babs alone, but she insisted that I go and offered to babysit. When she woke up late on Saturday morning, though, she announced that she was feeling much better and asked if she could come to the dinner with us.
‘Seriously?’ I was shocked that she’d want to be there. ‘It won’t be a lot of fun. James’s family are very reserved.’
‘I’m bored. I need to get out and have a few drinks,’ Babs said.
‘OK. I’m glad you’re feeling better.’
‘I feel fine, Emma. I need to get out of the house and blow this off.’
‘Well, don’t drink too much and watch what you say. James’s parents are easily shocked,’ I warned her.
She rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t make a show of you. I’ll just sit in a corner, drink and smile.’
I somehow doubted that.
James was out getting the team ready for their game that afternoon, so I took it upon myself to call my mother-in-law, Anne. I explained that my sister was staying with me for a few days and asked if it would be all right for her to come along to the dinner. She was very sweet and said, yes, of course, she’d be delighted to get reacquainted with Babs.
As I was talking to Anne on the house phone, I heard my mobile pinging in my bag. I froze, thinking it might be another crazy text. After I’d said goodbye to James’s mother, I pulled it out, then breathed a sigh of relief. It was from Lucy, asking if I was free for dinner on Monday night. I texted her quickly and we arranged a time and place.
Babs had no clothes with her, apart from her tracksuit, so she had to wear one of my dresses, with a big belt to hold it up because she was two sizes smaller than me. At least she looked respectable. I put on a plain navy dress, which Babs insisted I accessorize with a bright green scarf, which made it look much better.
I did my sister’s makeup. She needed a lot of concealer to hide the black circles under her eyes and extra blusher as she was still very pale. When she asked me for bright red lipstick, I didn’t argue. It gave her ghostly face a lift.
That day James’s team had won their second cup match, thank God. He had sounded very jubilant when he’d called. At least it meant he’d be in good form for the evening. He was doing some post-match analysis, so we agreed to meet him at the restaurant. Claire arrived to babysit the children.
‘Wow,’ Babs said, as Claire took off her coat to reveal a figure-hugging red top.
‘You look great!’ I exclaimed. ‘Were you out with your boyfriend?’
She shook her head. ‘No, but I’ll be seeing him later on.’
‘How long have you been dating?’ Babs asked.
Claire looked at the floor. ‘A few weeks.’
‘Well, you look a million times better. I never would have thought you had such a hot body under all those baggy clothes you used to wear. You’re quite a dark horse, aren’t you, Claire? I bet we don’t know the half of what you get up to in your time off.’
Claire blushed and hurried out to find the children, who were in the lounge.
‘Be nice!’ I muttered. ‘You’ll make her really uncomfortable. She can’t cope with too much attention. She’s very shy.’
Babs snorted. ‘If she’s so shy, why is she walking around in a low-cut top and skin-tight jeans?’
‘It’s the first time she’s ever worn anything remotely revealing. It’s great to see – it shows she’s growing in confidence. This boyfriend is working wonders. She’s so much happier in herself and looks so much better.’
Babs shook her head. ‘She’s weird.’
‘She’s great. Now, come on, let’s go. James’s parents are sticklers for punctuality.’
‘It’s only six! Are we going for the early-bird special?’
‘Anne is seventy-eight and Jonathan is eighty-two. They like to eat early. No rude comments and no cursing. They don’t do bad language.’
‘Well, I look like a granny in this dress you lent me, so I’ll just act like one too.’
‘Perfect.’
We arrived at Rules, the oldest restaurant in London, at exactly seven o’clock. It was decorated in red velvet and the subtle lighting gave it a warm, cosy feel. The walls were covered with beautifully framed paintings, cartoons and sketches. Anne and Jonathan Hamilton were waiting for us, with Imogen, Henry and James.
The Hamiltons were always on time. They almost had a nervous breakdown when they came to Dublin to visit me and James when we got engaged. Mum and Dad had invited them for dinner. They’d said, ‘Come at eight-ish.’ In Irish terms that meant under no circumstance should you even think about coming near the house before nine. But, true to form, they had arrived at eight sharp. Thinking it was the man from the wine shop delivering the bottles they had ordered, my mum answered the door in her dressing-gown and rollers. She was so shocked to see James’s parents that she slammed the door and ran upstairs to get dressed. Whereupon Dad reopened the door and invited the bewildered pair into the lounge. He proceeded to fling newspapers, magazines and stray slippers under the couch. Then he gave them a large glass of wine each and left them alone while he went to shave and put on a clean shirt.
They’d spent the next hour sitting alone in the lounge, with occasional visits from Dad to refill their glasses and from Mum to apologize for slamming the door in their faces. At nine, everyone else arrived, and proceeded to drink and chat until ten. As the food was about to be served, the neighbours called in – they’d seen the light on and decided to pop in for one drink. Mum didn’t have enough food for the four neighbours, so she put the dinner back in the oven until they’d left. By the time the neighbours did leave, it was close to eleven and Anne and Jonathan were both fast asleep on the couch – drunk, starving and exhausted.
When they came back to Dublin, it was for our wedding. The invitation said three, so they turned up at four and missed the entire ceremony.
Babs and I walked over to say hello to everyone. Henry jumped up first to give us a kiss. ‘Good to see you, Emma. You look super as always. Hello, Barbara, what a nice surprise to have you with us.’
Imogen remained seated, looked us up and down slowly, then air-kissed us. Anne and Jonathan welcomed us warmly and James ordered us drinks.
‘Vodka and slimline tonic. Make it a double,’ Babs said. This did not bode well. Mixing alcohol with antibiotics was never a good idea.
‘Well done on the game today,’ Henry said to a radiant James.
‘Thanks. Bloody relieved, I can tell you. It was a close call.’
‘Fantastic try in the last five minutes. Marvellous winger that Gordonson,’ Jonathan enthused.
‘He’s really stepped it up this season,’ James agreed.
While the men dissected the match, Anne leant over to me. ‘We can’t believe we’ve seen so little of you since you moved here,’ she said. ‘Between James’s work and our travels, it’s been a very busy time. You must come down for Sunday lunch next week. I insist.’
‘That’d be lovely,’ I said. I’d been a bit hurt that James’s parents hadn’t made more of an effort. We had seen them twice in the first month. Then they’d gone away on a six-week cruise and we hadn’t seen them since their return.
‘How was the holiday?’ I asked.
‘Marvellous,’ Jonathan enthused. The rugby analysis had ended.
‘Really?’ Babs said, draining her vodka and ordering another. ‘I always thought cruises would be incredibly boring. Full of really old people shuffling around complaining about piles and bunions.’
There was silence, then Henry burst out laughing. ‘I’d forgotten how funny you are,’ he said.
‘A few more vodkas and I’ll be a riot!’ Babs winked at him.
‘How are you finding London life, Emma?’ Imogen cut across her husband’s laughter.
I caught James’s eye. ‘To be honest, it’s been more difficult than I’d thought. It was a big upheaval for all of us.’
Imogen rearranged her velvet headband. ‘I think it’s fair to say, Emma, that you don’t make things easy for yourself. You should have rented a house in a smarter area and sent the children to a decent school. Has Lara started talking yet? My goodness, the day I was there all the poor child could say was “Ribbit” – it was most disturbing. I said to Henry when I got home, “You must call James and have that child seen by a psychologist.”’
Henry squirmed. ‘I obviously chose not to call you. I’m sure it’s just a phase.’
‘Good decision,’ James said. His face was blank but he was staring hard at Imogen. Yes! Finally he was seeing her for the witch she was.
I clasped my hands to stop myself slapping Imogen’s fat face. Through gritted teeth, I said, ‘Lara never stops talking. She was pretending to be a frog that day. It was no big deal.’
‘She does that all the time,’ Babs put in. ‘You should see her cow impression – it’s hilarious. I think she’s going to be a brilliant actress. I bet you she wins an Oscar one day.’
Anne laid a hand gently on my arm. ‘I’m sure she’s as bright as a little button, but we were concerned when Imogen told us about the incident. You see, I had an aunt who was a little … ah … different, so I’m afraid Lara’s behaviour could be genetic.’
Mad About You Page 23