by Teasi Cannon
SELF-PITY
Here's another of my torturers: Self-pity. Self-pity and Entitlement often work together as a team.
SELF-PITY: You've really had to endure a lot of hardship in your life, haven't you?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I really have. (Deep sigh.)
SELF-PITY: No one really understands your pain, do they?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Not really. How did you know?
SELF-PITY: Oh, I just know. No one really cares either, do they? They're all content to go on with their happy lives and let you writhe in your pain.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I know. If people only knew how many tears I cry each day. Nobody likes me.
VICTIM MENTALITY
Maybe you'll recognize my next torturer: Victim Mentality.
VICTIM MENTALITY: I can't believe you're able to get out of bed in the mornings. After all, you have been abused at every turn.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I know. But shouldn't I be doing more in my life?
VICTIM MENTALITY: No! How can you expect any more out of yourself? My gosh! Most people don't ever experience that kind of abuse. You're doing just fine. Just fine.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: But doesn't the Bible tell me I can do great things because of Jesus?
VICTIM MENTALITY: It does, but you were abused! You're a graduate from the school of very, very hard knocks. You can't forget that.
BITTERNESS
Or how about my next torturer: Bitterness?
BITTERNESS: I just can't imagine that there is a fire hot enough for all of those people to burn in.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I totally agree.
BITTERNESS: Truth be told, I think they should have to pay for each and every thing they've done to you. Chinese water torture perhaps?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yeah, and sleep deprivation. That will show them. They will pay.
UNFORGIVENESS IS STRESS
Living with these torturers is not really living. Though they can seem to be on our side, these mental strongholds truly subject us to a slow death—keeping us from joy, peace, and the experience of giving and receiving real love. The torturers keep us securely locked in unforgiveness.
In their book, The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling, Drs. Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins say this about this prison: “Unforgiveness is a cancer that eats away at the very soul of a person.”12
Not only does refusing to forgive others affect our emotional life, but there have been scientific studies conducted that connect unforgiveness with poor physical health. According to one report, “The core components of unforgiveness (e.g., anger, hostility, blame, fear) have been associated with health and disease outcomes.”13 In studies like this, unforgiveness is considered a stressor in our lives, and can be just as responsible for stress-related diseases as our Post-it-Note-covered refrigerators are.
JAIL BREAK: FORGIVENESS
Now most stressors in our life can be dealt with by adding a few hours of peaceful stretching into the schedule here and there. Not so with unforgiveness. This one requires a different commitment—a heart-level commitment. It requires a willingness to listen to what God is trying to tell us and to move toward trusting Him with all we can of our hearts. After taking a good look at the alternative, doesn't this seem the healthier choice?
It was easier for me to become willing to forgive when I learned a bit more about what forgiveness really means. For many years I falsely believed that by forgiving someone I was saying that what they did to me was okay and that I had to actually like the person afterward. But, that's not what forgiveness is. In fact, God himself is never okay with the wrongs done to us. He has some pretty harsh words for those who hurt His children:
But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea. (Mark 9:42)
Taking steps toward forgiveness is so much easier when we know what it does and does not mean.
FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN:
what was done to me is okay
I have to forget—putting on a fake smile as if nothing was ever done wrong
the person who hurt me gets away with what was done
I have to trust the people who hurt me ever again (If you step on my foot every time you walk by I can forgive you, but I'm going to start moving my foot away.)
I have to lie down and take more abuse
FORGIVENESS DOES MEAN:
I will work through a hard process, but one well worth the pain
I am set free (not vice versa) from the power my offender has had over me
I trust God enough to take my offenders off of my hook and put them on God's hook
torturers (mental strongholds) are destroyed
a door is opened up for me to have a much deeper relationship with God
THE WORST OFFENDER FIRST
For me, forgiveness started with the worst offender first—the one whose abuse had caused years and years of pain in my life: my uncle. It might be a different journey for you, but I'll tell you…for me, getting that one over with first made the rest seem like a downhill ride.
Let me say this…forgiving my uncle happened in stages, and they weren't all easy. Most importantly, I couldn't have done it without believing with all my heart that God would deal with the man. Even now, even after experiencing the freedom of forgiving him, the justice bone in me finds peace in knowing that one day my uncle will have to settle that account with God. But I won't have to be a part of that conversation. My part has been settled.
The most powerful part of forgiving my uncle was supernatural. The Holy Spirit had to do some pretty serious stretching of my thinking process to get me through it. He had to help me see some things through His eyes because mine were blinded by my pain.
The forgiveness that I eventually was able to grant from my heart (as Jesus asks us to) started its journey in my head. And just as it had happened so many times before, this session with the Mighty Counselor required a journey back in time—even before my time.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Teasi, do you think you've fully forgiven your uncle?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I don't know. I guess so.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Well, what do you feel when you think of him?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I feel sort of sick to my stomach. My stomach gets tight.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: It doesn't look to me like forgiveness has taken its full course yet.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: You're probably right.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Do you want it to? (Always the gentleman.)
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I do. I want to be completely free.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Okay, good. That's what I want for you too. Are you willing to consider something you've never considered before?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, anything.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Okay, I want you to picture a little boy around five years old, about the age of your boy. Can you see him? He's got cute cheeks.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I see him.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: See him playing with a little toy—his favorite. His smile fades as he looks up at the door to his room. His father is standing there. The little boy cowers against the side of his bed hoping to disappear into the folds of his quilt, but it doesn't work. Dad comes for him after locking the door, and for the next hour the little boy is abused—in every way you can imagine.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: That's horrible. I can't believe a dad would do that to his own child.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Just before his dad leaves the room, he looks into the boy's scared little eyes and says, “This is all your fault. If you weren't such a freak I wouldn't have to do this stuff to you. You make me sick.” The boy is left with a scarred body and a scarred heart. The boy is left with a lie.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: My heart is broken for that boy. Oh, my gosh. That's horrible. (Tears.)
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: That boy grew up believing he was a freak, and he began to believe other lies, as well. He
started to believe that the only way he would ever be loved, ever be touched, was if he got that love from children. Adults were far too scary.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Oh, God, is that my uncle?
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Not exactly, but it is a story much like his. Your uncle was a young boy who at one time was very wounded, and at another time believed a lie about himself, and that lie grew. That lie eventually hurt you. It's one of those lies that destroys generations of my precious people.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I see.
MIGHTY COUNSELOR: I know it's a huge, huge thing to ask, but do you think you can let me deal justly with the pain that was inflicted upon you? Can you give that boy over to me? That is forgiveness. I know this is requiring a lot of trust from you.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I trust you. I choose to give him to you. I can forgive.
TURNED OVER TO THE AUTHORITY
The Holy Spirit knew exactly how to help me turn my case over to the Father's court where He would litigate the matter. It's what He wants to do for all of us. Look at this: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Ps. 147:3).
What's important about this verse is that the phrase “binds up” has a multilayered definition in the Hebrew language. It can mean not only to compress or wrap firmly, but also to govern over. So it seems God is saying that He not only wants to heal our broken hearts, but He wants to govern over the case. As the ultimate authority, He wants to deal with every aspect of our wounds—the healing and dealing with those who have hurt us.
Jesus, undeniably the most unfairly wounded and abused person to ever live, understood this important part of His destiny:
[Jesus] who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously. (1 Peter 2:23)
Jesus did not take vengeance into His own hands, when He most certainly had the power to do so. He committed it all to the Father. And if He trusted the Father to govern over His wounds, we can do the same in His strength. Jesus Himself tells us so:
Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. (John 14:12)
The Father has made every provision for us to be able to forgive. He fully understands our pain and never belittles it, but He knows what we need to do in order to be free from its continued power over us. He loves us enough to bring about the highest justice on our behalf.
ELECTIVE SURGERY
Now, I know there is a lot more to the story of my uncle's life than what I was able to imagine. I know there is a lot of personal responsibility at play too. That young wounded boy grew up to be a man who knew right from wrong…and he chose wrong. I see that now. But I also know that wounded people wound people. And somehow God's overwhelming mercy became just contagious enough for me to catch. That mercy became my get-out-of-jail card. It wasn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. Not at all. As you know, it cost this little girl quite a lot. Giving forgiveness to someone who had hurt me so deeply was like undergoing elective surgery with no anesthesia. But it brought me new life.
GUILT BY ASSOCIATION
Then there are those we need to forgive who are guilty only by association. For me this would be my parents and my aunt (the wife of my abuser). For you it might be a teacher, a sibling, or a best friend—anyone you felt could have done something to rescue you from your pain, even if they didn't realize they could have.
While many of these people didn't purposely or directly wound us, and some may not even realize we've been wounded at all, they are participants in the trauma, and forgiving them is an often overlooked part of full healing. It's easy to feel unmerciful and even selfish when we admit to needing to forgive those who didn't intentionally hurt us. It's also common to be afraid of what might happen to those relationships if we open up to our true feelings. But it is essential that we take this step. If left hidden in the dark, that need to forgive can begin to grow the moldy roots of bitterness. We really must trust God with knowing that He will protect the relationships we love so much. It's about our freedom.
OUR OWN GUILT
Our next step requires us to take an even closer look at sin—only this time, our own. The people who hurt us are not the only guilty ones. Along the way, there have been people we've hurt too. Even though we are not responsible for the wounds that have been inflicted upon us, we are responsible for the way we've lived as a result of those hurts. Sometimes we've hurt others simply out of our own pain, but no matter the reason for our actions we truly need to be forgiven.
I'll start by sharing a little about some of my own sin and by saying that I am so thankful God has loved me enough to walk me through my journey in stages I could handle. There is no way I would have been ready to face it all before I felt completely loved, healed, adopted, and forgiven. In His gentleness and goodness God waited until I could handle it, and then He sat me in front of the mirror…a three-way mirror…with fluorescent lighting. You know the kind I'm talking about, don't you? (Thank you, department stores.)
JUDGE NOT
I'm going to start with a scripture to set the stage:
Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you. (Luke 6:37–38)
What this section of Scripture is saying is that when we plant some bad apple seeds, we really shouldn't be surprised when some time later we get some bad apples (the law of sowing and reaping). It is a spiritual law that God established. And spiritual laws are just as sure as the physical laws we've all grown to depend on. (Thank you, gravity.) Now, in God's goodness, He can shorten the “bad apple” season if He wants (and He often does), but that does not take us off the hook for planting season. We've got to own up to it.
An honest assessment of my own emotional farmland revealed that many a defective seed had been planted there. For years I was judgmental and condemning, and I liked it. Thoughts such as these were common for me: “I cannot believe she did that. How rude.” Or “I would never wear that in public. Does this woman own a mirror?” Or even worse, “At least I'm not that fat. I'm actually skinny compared to her.”
GOD REPELLENT: PRIDE
Judgment like that starts with only one thing: pride. And I'll admit there was an awful lot of that in me. Pride is not something we can continue to put up with in our lives if we expect to live life to the fullest. In order to achieve anything close to our best life, we're gonna need as much of God as we can get, and God doesn't like pride. Listen to this: “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).
God can't be around our pride; it literally repels Him. It's not that He doesn't want to be around us. There's nothing He wants more. It's just that He can't. You see, when we are walking in pride we are living with a distorted view of our identity—either thinking too much or too little of ourselves—and we're not accepting what God says about us. Our pride actually causes us to call God a liar, which He's not too fond of. It's like we're asking God if we can take a seat on His throne for a bit, or going to the other extreme and curling up into a worthless ball under His feet. Neither is our rightful and true place, where God wants us to live.
GET RICH QUICK: HUMILITY
Humility, on the other hand, is accepting our position as God's beloved children and happily enjoying all the benefits and struggles that accompany that calling. God wants us to live like this because that's when He can help us the most. Remember, He gives His grace to the humble. God's grace in action is a powerful force. One we want to stay plugged into.
Listen to this:
By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches and honor and life. (Proverbs 22:4)
Riches, honor, and life. Sounds like what all humanity is crying out for, doesn't
it? Those things come by way of our humility, by our willingness to be meek and teachable—by our surrender to the perfect ways of God.
And not only does humility usher in blessings, it's the best pick-me-up you can find:
Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:10)
Having the Lord pick us up when we're feeling down is far better than even the strongest iced mocha latte Starbucks can offer.
ALL-PURPOSE CLEANSER: REPENTANCE
Taking an honest look at our own sin can be difficult. I know this firsthand. It really broke my heart when I started to acknowledge how much judgment lived in me and how critical I had been at times in my life. But here's the sweet news. God's goodness draws us to repentance (Rom. 2:4). And when we confess our sins, God is ready to forgive us and clean us up (1 John 1:9). He says He will cleanse our unrighteousness.
God doesn't clean us so He can love us more. No way. He cleans us so we feel clean. We were actually forgiven once and for all when Jesus died on the Cross. But the process of confession restores our daily experience of that forgiveness and ushers in the flow of God's amazing grace and power. We want that.
MIRACULOUS REPAIR KIT: RESTITUTION
We don't only need to ask God to forgive us of our sins, we need to ask those we've sinned against to forgive us. It's called restitution, and I am going to bravely say that I don't believe our healing is complete until it's been accomplished. Jack Frost says it this way, “In order to break that cycle [of reaping what we've sown] and begin restoring trust, it is often necessary to make every effort to bring healing to others and to seek to restore the fractured relationship.”14