by Maisey Yates
A brief flash of nerves hit her as she felt the blunt head of his erection against the slick entrance to her body. She bit her lip, unsure of what would happened next. How it would feel. But she wasn’t tempted to pull away, didn’t want to ask him to wait. Because she wanted this, wanted him. Wanted it all.
He paused for a moment, moving his hand over her curves, along her rib cage, down the indent of her waist before moving to cup her hip. He tightened his hold on her, something possessive, desperate in the action.
Then he was pushing inside her, slowly, a stretching pain mixing with a strange satisfaction. It hurt. Unfamiliar and uncomfortable and at the same time, the answer to the hollow ache inside her she hadn’t even been aware of until now.
She felt him shake, felt him give up on slow and measured, felt him do just what she’d begged him to do, and let go. He thrust hard into her, and she gasped, tears stinging her eyes, the invasion so complete, so intense. She hadn’t been prepared.
“Yes, baby,” he said, his voice a low growl.
He didn’t know. Hadn’t noticed. And she was grateful for that. She just needed to breathe. Needed to get used to him.
He flexed his hips against her, coming into contact with the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs, his arousal thick and hard inside her, moving from discomfort, to pleasure with each thrust, pushing her back to the edge. Back to the promise of completion.
She squeezed her eyes shut, the tears starting to recede. Logan was holding her. He was in her. Surrounding her. His heat, his strength. Him.
And it was perfect.
“I can’t last, Addison,” he said, his face buried in her neck, his hold on her tightening, each thrust harder, less measured. Less controlled. “I wanted to last for you. I thought this would help me last. But I can’t.”
“Touch me,” she whimpered. “Please. Please, Logan. I’m so close.”
He slid deeper, the sensation of being filled by him only welcome now. He cupped her breast, teasing her nipple, the sensation adding to her arousal, bringing her closer.
“Yes,” she said. “Yes.”
Feeling overwhelmed her, consumed her. The lingering pain in her body, mingling with the pleasure he’d provided. It was everything she’d been missing. Water in her personal desert. And she was lost in sensation. All that had been held back for weeks pouring out. Every feeling. Every hideous and beautiful thing filling her until she thought she would die from it. Until she couldn’t breathe.
She felt him stiffen, shudder above her, lowering his head into the curve of her shoulder, freezing as he gave himself up to his own release, his teeth on her neck as he came. Marking her. Changing her.
Demolishing the smooth socialite who held everyone and everything at a distance with effortless ease.
There was no sound in the room but their harsh breathing. It was over. She’d lost her virginity to Logan Black. And she would never be the same again.
And it was such a desperate relief. Because she didn’t want to be the same anymore. She didn’t want to belong to anyone but herself. Didn’t want to be owned by a man who was dead and gone. Not anymore.
She’d needed to wake up. She’d needed to feel. And now she did. She felt it all. Pounding through her like white water, refreshing her where she’d been dry and cracked, and rounding off the sharp edges, reshaping the landscape. Reclaiming her.
Addison felt a tear slide down her cheek. The first in weeks. And before she knew it, floodgates of an entirely different kind had opened.
*
Logan was having a hard time catching his breath. Hell, he was having a hard time keeping himself from simply sinking onto her soft body. He was grappling with the aftereffects of the most intense sexual experience of his life. With what might be the most altering experience he’d ever had that wasn’t on an island.
He hadn’t touched another person in so long, this was like a system shock. Being in her, having her surround him. Her scent, her softness, her flavor. It was all of her, it was everything. And he had not been prepared.
He felt her body tremble beneath his hands, a great, shuddering gasp. For a moment, he thought she was experiencing an aftershock. Coming again, which, as intense as the experience had been, he wouldn’t have been surprised. And his ego, something he hadn’t been aware of for a while, loved it.
For just a moment, he was a man, and she was a woman. Nothing more. No trauma, no past, no future. No island.
He slid his hand up her hip, to the indent of her waist, and felt her shiver beneath his touch. Her eyes were closed tight, the pulse in her neck fluttering like a frightened bird.
“Addison?” He was still buried deep inside her and he knew he should move. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to savor this. Enjoy it. Drink it all in, just for himself. Selfish as hell and he didn’t care.
Then he saw her shoulder shake, a sob racking her body, followed by a tear trailing down her cheek. And he froze.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I don’t…I can’t.” She pulled away from him, not looking at him as she separated their bodies, as she moved to a chair in the corner of the room, pulling her legs up against her chest, a trace of blood on her thigh. She hid her face, her frame trembling.
“Addison,” he said, his voice fierce, flashbacks hitting, hard and fast. Blood over pale skin. Tears on her face. Dark hair, not like the pale gold of Addison’s hair, tangled over her shoulders…
She didn’t answer. She only tightened her hold on herself, on her knees, her face burrowed in, her expression hidden from him.
“Holy hell, Addison,” he said, crossing the room and kneeling in front of her, examine the streak of blood left behind on her inner thigh. “Did I do that to you? I hurt you?”
His head was pounding. He was an animal. This was why he didn’t touch women. Why he should have never touched her. Because he wasn’t safe. Because he was so screwed up from his time away and he didn’t even know how to be intimate with someone without causing her pain.
He’d been too rough. He’d forgotten how to do this. He should never have touched her. What had he been thinking? She’d told him to lose control, and he had done so. He’d been consumed by it, by her.
He’d always had light, fun sex. If he remembered it right. But he’d opened himself up, poured his darkness on her. In her.
And he’d hurt her. He hadn’t even realized it.
“What?” she asked, lifting her head, her cheeks pink, her hair sticking to her damp cheeks. “No. No, you didn’t hurt me.”
“You’re bleeding.”
She paused and looked at him. “What?”
“It’s on your legs.”
“Oh,” she said, looking down at herself. “I thought that was…” Her cheeks turned pink. “I didn’t think you really bled. I thought that was just a rumor designed to keep us scared.” She laughed, the sound completely at odds with the moisture on her face.
Ice trickled through his veins, curling around his heart and freezing it still. “Addison…are you a virgin?”
“No. Not currently,” she said.
“Were you about half an hour ago?” he asked, tension working its way through his muscles.
She cleared her throat. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. Now the feeling was something akin to panic. He’d thought he’d hurt her and it was even worse than that. She’d never had sex. A damn virgin.
He’d probably scarred her for life. And he’d thought she’d been having another orgasm after. She was crying. Because he’d hurt her. Because he’d… Dammit.
“I didn’t tell you because it was irrelevant,” she said.
“Bull. I told you I hadn’t had sex in four years and you didn’t think you should tell me you hadn’t had it ever?”
“Stop yelling at me!” she shouted, standing, wiping her arm under her nose. The gesture was so unsophisticated, so unlike her that it made his chest seize up. “I do not need your issues right now, Logan,
because I am in the middle of my own.”
“That I caused you.”
“Everything is not about you!”
“I…” He stopped and frowned. “Excuse me?”
“I just…this is my emotional breakdown, okay? It isn’t about you. I mean…I think you caused it, or contributed to it, but it’s not about you.”
“What’s going on, Addison?”
“I…It’s like it all broke and is pouring out of me, finally. I’ve been…it’s all been locked up in me. I haven’t cried since he died. I didn’t cry when they threw me out of the sorority or…or anything. And I just…I needed this.”
“Glad I could assist,” he said dryly.
“Stop it. You’re still making it about you.”
“Because it was about me,” he said, his voice a growl.
“Right,” she said. “Sorry if my emotions are getting all over the break in your celibacy, but I’m in the middle of a personal crisis.”
That made him feel shame. A deep, seething shame that bled out from deep inside him. Hadn’t they just talked about what she was going through? Her father and everything. She’d told him. And he’d brought her here and…
He should have realized.
“How did I not realize you were an innocent?” he asked, his voice rough.
“I don’t know if girls who see their fathers killed in front of them can be called innocents. No matter how many times they’ve had sex. Or not,” she said, her voice muted.
“Why now?”
She raised her head, her blue eyes fierce. “Because I’m tired of being something that’s here for everyone else’s use. For everyone else’s ease. I needed something for me. Whatever you might think, Logan, you didn’t goad me into anything. I wanted you. I…I want you.”
“You shouldn’t have given that to me,” he said, his voice rough. “I didn’t deserve the gift.”
“Stop,” she said, her words choked. “Just stop it. Stop telling me I don’t know what I want. Stop telling me I can’t give myself to whoever I please, because I can. It’s my body. Treffen is my name. I deserve power over myself. I deserve to make my own reputation, don’t I?” There were no tears now. Her voice was steady, conviction running through every word. “I want to make my own decisions. And I want to feel. All of this…I lost myself somewhere. Not here. Not when my father died or when his reputation exploded but…but somewhere a long time before that. It got buried under my need to please everyone. I want to know who I am. I want to know what I want. I want to feel real, not like someone’s prop. You made me feel real. Don’t take it from me now.”
He looked at her standing there in the dim light, strong, alive. So very different from the last woman he had touched. So very different from himself.
And he knew he could never hope to be worthy of her, but he knew he wasn’t strong enough to turn her away.
“Then I leave the choice up to you.” He stood in front of her, completely naked still, his eyes boring into hers. “Stay with me. I will make you feel. But I stand by my earlier promise—being with me can only ruin you.”
She didn’t blink, didn’t shrink away. She stood from the chair and made her way to him, curving an arm around his neck and leaning in to kiss his lips. “I’m staying.”
He dipped his head and kissed her, heat and need pouring through him, an answering need echoing from her. She was desperate for him, as he was for her. The deep need in him pulling from her, taking and taking what he could into the endless void in his chest. And he knew, without a doubt, that he wasn’t any less lost, or any less destroyed than he’d been before he touched her.
But at least, right now, he was in with someone just as lost and destroyed as he was.
Chapter Thirteen
Addison woke up in an empty bed, the sheets beside her cold. It was obvious Logan hadn’t been there for a long time. But also notably absent were the nightmares that had been plaguing her ever since Jason’s death.
She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, conscious of the fact that she was slightly sore…everywhere. It was a new experience, but not altogether unpleasant. The same could be said for last night’s sex in general. New, different, but definitely not bad.
Though things had been slightly more emotional than she’d anticipated.
Whether she wanted to be true or not, her attraction to Logan was built on more than lust. Oh, the lust was there. In spades. But there was something beneath that, something strong, that was only growing stronger.
Happily, she felt that the same could be said about her.
She felt amazing, she felt new. As though she’d gone further toward breaking the bonds between herself and her old life. Telling Logan about her fears, her guilt, her feelings, had seemed to go a long way in lessening all those things.
Of course, she had a feeling the trade-off was the increased bond with Logan.
Logan, who hadn’t even stayed in bed with her.
Addison got up, and realized she was naked. Which wasn’t surprising. But problematic. And if the late-night condom delivery hadn’t been advertising enough, her traipsing around in wrinkled clothes shouted all the louder. Of course, no one was ever on Logan’s floor. So there was that.
She wanted out of the bedroom and into the living room, where she knew she would find her clothes. She stopped, her heart slamming against her sternum.
“Logan?” she asked, looking toward the center of the room at the man who had taken her to heaven and back last night. The man who was currently curled up on the floor, one thin blanket thrown over his naked body. “What are you doing?”
Logan stirred, sitting up, a strange expression twisting his features. Something that looked a lot like horror. A lot like embarrassment. For that reason alone she wished she could go back and not say anything. And not see this. She wished she could leave him with his pride.
But his pride wasn’t the most important thing. And things like this couldn’t go ignored. Everyone had ignored this, had ignored him, for too long.
She knew that he hadn’t visited his family as he should, but he was limited. Why weren’t they here? He deserved for someone to be here. Right now she was.
“Sleeping,” he said.
“Do I have body odor I’m unaware of?” she asked. “Otherwise I fail to see why sleeping out here would be preferential to sleeping on a soft mattress with me.”
“I have a feeling I’m going to end up saying this a lot. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Yeah, well, I’m tired of that.”
“I’ve only said it once.”
“But it’s the subtext for your entire life. It’s you. You’re a mess. And I get it, Logan. I do. I believe it. But you can’t just accept it. You have to fight it at some point.”
“Good morning to you too.” He stood up and let the blanket fall away from his body, revealing his nudity. And for a brief moment, every coherent thought was knocked from her head.
“Stop it. Stop trying to make it seem like I’m scolding you. I’m protesting, and I have a right. You’re sleeping on the floor. Like you’re my pet and not my lover.”
“I never promised you this would be easy, Addison. In fact, I think I told you, several times, to turn back when you could. Have some self-preservation, Addison, for God’s sake.”
“Self-preservation is all I used to have. I want more. I don’t know about you.”
“I think I’ve forgotten how to want anything. Anything but you.”
Addison’s heart squeezed tight. He meant sex, and that was all. But she would take it. “We’ll work on the rest. On sleeping in beds. And wearing shoes and your speech.”
“It’s too early in the morning to talk about all that. Maybe we’ll talk bed tonight. Shoes another day.”
“And the speech?”
“It’s too early in the morning.” Logan walked away and disappeared into the bathroom, and Addison was left alone, naked and searching for her clothes.
Addison spent a full thirty
seconds grappling with self-pity. One thing about herself hadn’t changed: she seemed destined to want more from people who were never going to give it.
Logan was doing his best to keep his focus on the seating chart his mother had sent over for the big opening ball. And the only reason he was trying to keep his focus on that was that if he didn’t he would push Addison against a wall and have his way with her.
He didn’t want to do that to her, not in the office. Not when he was already using her. Hoping she could pull him up out of it all forever. He couldn’t deny that was in the back of his mind. He also couldn’t deny that he was going to give her absolutely nothing in return.
But she didn’t know that. And he damn well hoped she wouldn’t. Not until it was over.
Not until he was done with her.
Selfish prick that he was, now that he’d discovered her he didn’t want to give her up. Didn’t want to give it up. Yeah, he was a selfish bastard, but for two years of his life he’d lived only for himself. For his own survival. And there was a kind of pure selfishness that he’d had to put aside when he came back to civilization. A kind of totalitarian control over his existence that had vanished when he had to come back and live with other people.
And there was something about Addison, about his relationship with her, or rather, about their time in bed, that brought him back to that. To the elemental, raw state that was all about need. About satisfaction of his own needs and screw anything else.
Addison cleared her throat. “So…think we can…work on the ball?”
“What do you think I’m doing?”
A wicked smile curved her lips. “Fantasizing about me.”
“Do you think so?” Heat curled in his gut.
“Well, it’s what I’m doing about you, so all things considered, I’ll be disappointed if it’s not going both ways.” Her cell phone buzzed and she looked at him apologetically before answering it. “Hello?” She frowned. “Really? Well, that…I don’t know, it still doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t sound like her at all.” Addison rolled her eyes, and he had no context as to why; then she pressed on. “Well, I’m sure you know more about that particular part of her life than I do, but in all honesty, she doesn’t seem like the type to run off to some island with a guy while her family and friends are worried about her.” She took a breath. “Right. Well…yes. If I think of anything else or hear from her, I’ll let you know. Okay. Bye.” She hung up and turned to face him, hitting the top of her phone idly with her palm.