Abandoning the Rules

by Jp Grace

  Abandoning the Rules

  Jp Grace

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Cover Image: © 2013 Aneeka/Shutterstock.com

  Copyright © 2013 Jp Grace

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-13: 978-1494275266

  ISBN-10: 1494275260

  Dedicated to victims of spousal abuse who suffer in silence.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I couldn’t have done this without the support of my husband, children, family, and friends. You know who you are. I will always be grateful for your belief in me. I am truly blessed to know you and have you in my life.

  CHAPTER ONE

  BREE hadn’t always been an adulteress, but life had a funny way of working out. It didn’t believe in granting the wishes of the young girl she had once been.

  She stepped out of the shower and sighed deeply at her distorted reflection in the steamy bathroom mirror. She had learned the hard way that life wasn’t fair. Married for twenty-two years to Steven Daniels, her high school sweetheart, and later, her abuser, life had not been a bed of roses.

  She found what she needed in others. And no one at the stuck-up school her children, Beth and Josh, attended knew her secret; she kept her private life well guarded. It was one of her rules. Never tell anyone your secrets. Never fall in love was her other hard and fast rule. She had done that once before and had paid for it dearly.

  She drew a finger over the scar on her stomach. Steven had made sure she wouldn’t forget that lesson.

  Shaking off her gloom, she slipped on her robe and walked into the bedroom. She couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming, keeping everything inside had its drawbacks. As long as she kept herself private and reserved, Bree knew she would always be alone. Girlfriends expected you to share your secrets; therefore she had many acquaintances but no close friends.

  She didn’t mind. She had Beth and Josh, her pets, and her home to occupy her. And when that wasn’t enough, there were several lovers on standby to choose from.

  It was that very problem that had her pondering her life and what she had become. She had lovers; plural. Not one, not two, but three. Well, technically two, since she and Adam had not done the deed that would mark them as lovers, although they had been spending a lot of time together lately.

  She’d never intended to cheat on her husband, but loneliness and fear had driven her for so long, it no longer mattered if her motives had been pure in the beginning or not. She had been desperate to soothe the ache in her heart and desperation did strange things to a woman facing the prospect of the rest of her life in chains.

  Ben Finley, her first lover, had been a refuge of warmth, comfort, and protection in the midst of a tumultuous time in her marriage.

  She snorted. Such an innocuous term for the emotional abuse and humiliation she had suffered. Worst of all was the physical means Steven exerted to get his way. Tumultuous was an inadequate term to describe the complete break down of her soul, the total loss of belief in people, and the absence of hope that currently passed for her life.

  She had been so deeply in love with Ben, had even tried to leave Steven for him, to put a stop to the adultery and start over even if it meant taking her children away from their father. Unfortunately, Steven had discovered her deception before she could leave. That was the first time he had put her in the hospital, kicking her with the toe of his boot repeatedly until he had broken through the skin. It had required seventeen stitches and two days in the hospital to recover physically. The emotional scars were more difficult to heal.

  When she had finally mustered enough courage to try again, showing up at Ben’s house with only the clothes on her back and two cranky babies, she had been utterly crushed to find he had moved out and had left no forwarding address. He had not stuck around to find out what Steven was capable of.

  She had frantically searched for him with the limited resources available to her at the time. Information had not provided a phone number or new address and his friends and acquaintances hadn’t heard from him. He was just as bad as Steven, only far worse. He was a coward, too. She hadn’t considered leaving since. It wasn’t worth it to trust someone with her heart; they would only leave or worse, beat her, too.

  No man would ever have her heart again, she knew that now. She had trusted Ben completely and had loved him so deeply the betrayal was far more devastating than anything Steven could ever dish out. It had also opened up her eyes to other possibilities.

  If she was forced to stay in an unhappy marriage, then she would find what she needed elsewhere. Screw love, she didn’t need it, not when she had successfully used other men to fill her needs for the last ten years.

  She used to feel guilty, she used to care what others thought of her behavior, but years of living under Steven’s rule had taught her to think differently.

  Shivering, she forced herself to stop thinking about Ben and the mess her life had become.

  Glancing at the clock, she was surprised to see it was nearing three. She had to hurry if she wanted to meet Adam in time.

  Normally, she wouldn’t attempt to meet with Adam so late in the day, but she had dropped the kids off at her mother-in-law’s house before they left for their annual sojourn to summer camp in two weeks and consequently, had the whole day off.

  She had been seeing Adam for two months. So far their meetings had been very public brief lunches or walks along the river. Sometimes they met for a few hours at the park but nothing overtly sexual had occurred beyond a few passionate kisses. It was clear Adam wanted much more from her than simple lovemaking though.

  She sat down in front of the vanity and generously applied her favorite Lilac lotion to her skin. Facing her fortieth birthday, she wasn’t taking any chances with her skin. She applied some liner to the corners of her blue eyes before sweeping it upwards. Blush, eye shadow, and lipstick were next, followed by a quick swipe of the mascara wand. She brushed her hair before securing the dark mass of mahogany curls into a low ponytail at her nape.

  As she completed her morning beauty routine, her thoughts returned to Adam. He was different from the other men in her life; he acted like he genuinely cared about her instead of just wanting to get into her pants. He asked about her hobbies and interests and remembered her favorite foods, movies, and songs. He brought her flowers every time she saw him as well as other thoughtful gifts. Despite her cynical nature, his charm offensive was working. But not once did she forget her rules; she wasn’t stupid and she would never let anyone close enough to destroy her again. Even if he sorely tested her resolve.

  Adam was the complete opposite of Jake, her other lover. Jake was muscular, tall, and hung like a horse. He was also extremely focused on his law career, so much so that when they were fucking she was sure he was practicing his closing arguments in his head. Overall he was kind and competent in bed, but certainly not her soul mate. She continued to see him because he filled her need to be fucked good and hard without all the fuss of having an actual relationship.

  Bree put a hand to her throat and peered into the mirror. She couldn’t remember when she had become so vulgar and wondered what her friends at the club would think if they knew she was thinking of fucking men good and hard. They’d probably kick her out even if they were all guilty of doing the same thing.

  She was pretty sure a few of them carried on affairs, but she was also sure they didn’t do it with three men at one time.

  Wyatt wa
s the other man in her stable of lovers. She snorted at the absurdity of her having a stable of men. He was her long time friend and sometime lover. They spent very little time together but talked frequently on the phone. He was the ultimate friend, he nagged her, he was fun, and he was easy to talk to. He was also terrible in relationships and had been through several women during their association. His relationships almost never lasted past the six month mark and he would inevitably end up calling her again.

  She didn’t mind. Jake and Wyatt had been there for her when she needed someone without putting a lot of pressure on her. They could talk, they could go out, or they could have sex. It was the ultimate relationship for a lonely married woman. She got the best of them and they got the best of her and no one got hurt in the process. Or so she told herself.

  All the men she “dated” were complete opposites of Steven. Steven was the typical type A personality, hard-working and so focused on gaining perfection in every aspect of his life, including from his wife, that he rarely enjoyed the fruits of his labors.

  Jake was a lawyer and therefore extremely structured, but not to the point of ignoring his needs or hers for that matter. He gave her the stability she craved. Wyatt was a dreamer and a comedian; he fed her creative side and made her laugh until her sides hurt.

  Adam was…different. He was structured, he was funny and he was creative, writing her love poems and love letters almost every day all while successfully building his architectural firm.

  At first she had laughed it off, knowing her heart had been frozen for far too long to let anyone else in. Lately though, it had been increasingly difficult to sweep aside the funny fluttering in her stomach when she heard his voice on the phone or when she saw his name in her inbox.

  She darted one more glance into the mirror to assess her appearance before getting up to dress. Her body wasn’t bad for a woman her age but she made sure her clothing emphasized her generous curves.

  Stepping into a calf-length black skirt and a matching scoop-neck sweater, she checked out the way the sweater clung to her breasts and how the skirt hugged her hips. Not bad for a mother of two. She hoped Adam thought the same.

  Bree cast a critical eye over her shoe choices and finally settled on some buttery soft suede boots. She sprayed a cloud of perfume and walked through it ensuring the scent was evenly distributed. Satisfied she was as ready as she was going to be, she grabbed her purse and left to meet Adam at the park.

  CHAPTER TWO

  “I’M in love with you Bree.” Adam sat next to her on the park bench and took her hand. His eyes shone with warmth as he spoke. “My heart has been indifferent for so long, I thought it was impossible to find someone I could truly love. Then I met you. You look at me and I feel warm all over. Love and trust shines inside you. I want you to look at me like that forever.”

  Bree had to avert her eyes at Adam’s impassioned speech. His words set off sparks of alarm inside her along with something else, something she wasn’t ready to name. It was too reminiscent of the very things she had been repressing for twenty-two long years. Adam didn’t know what he was saying; he was just caught up in the romance of the moment. No matter how many flowery protestations of love he lavished on her, the truth of who she was would always put a stop to such nonsense. She’d make sure of it.

  Her heart clutched. It was time to end it. Adam believed in love; he believed love could conquer all. She knew it couldn’t. She also knew it couldn’t conquer Steven and as much as she liked Adam, it would be cruel to allow him to hope for more from her than she could give.

  Still, as she took in his slightly disheveled appearance, his ragged auburn goatee in need of a trim, his earnest cinnamon eyes watching her intently, and his lush mouth pursed in a scowl, she felt a pang of regret. He was so kind to her even while impatiently waiting for her response. She’d never know what it would be like to make love with him and that rankled more than she wanted to admit.

  She kept her gaze down and studied his hands. They were not the hands of a manual laborer; they were soft and graceful and stroked her skin with exquisite tenderness. Her eyes drifted farther down to the bulge in his jeans. While she hadn’t ever touched him she knew from their passionate embraces he was large and she suddenly had a little trouble catching her breath, especially when his lap seemed to jump under her stare.

  Bree took a stuttering breath and finally met his scowling gaze. She had to put a stop to his romantic ideals.

  “Adam, I know you think you’re in love with me. But these…moments we’ve shared are just that, small moments in time. I think it’s time for us to stop seeing each other. I can’t give you what you need.”

  “Don’t give me that crap, Bree. You have no idea what I need.”

  “Oh, really? What do you need then?”

  “I need you,” he said simply, his eyes devouring her face.

  Bree held in the snort of disbelief threatening to erupt, only years of experience at concealing her emotions contained it. She also tamped down the spark of answering need in her own heart by clearing her throat before continuing.

  “No, you don’t need me. I thought I made myself extremely clear in the beginning I wasn’t interested in an emotional relationship. I was simply bored and looking for some entertainment and fun,” she said the last with a casual air, hoping he wouldn’t see her hands shaking at her lies.

  It was true, she didn’t want an emotional attachment to anyone, but deep down in her heart she knew that was a lie. Why bother looking if she wasn’t looking for love on some level? Acknowledging she wanted love out loud was something she would never do. That would be akin to announcing her vulnerability to every male within a twenty-five mile radius. Completely unacceptable.

  “You can lie to yourself all you want, but don’t patronize me. I know what you’re feeling. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in the way you get lost in mine. I can tell by the way your breath catches when I tell you I’m going to make love to you someday. Yes, just like that.” He smirked at her indrawn breath. “So don’t sit here and lie to me. If you want out of this then have the guts to say so. I can’t abide liars.”

  Adam ran a hand through his fiery brown hair and looked away while she absorbed his words. She had been living in a loveless vacuum for too long and was afraid to believe love could exist. Adam wanted too much and it terrified her. No one had broached the stiff concrete walls she had erected around her heart for years and she wasn’t sure she could trust Adam enough to let him in, nor was she sure she even wanted to try. There was too much pain associated with love in her mind. Love was for fools.

  Her decision made, she delivered her exit line.

  “If you won’t accept my reasons then have it your way. I want out of this relationship, Adam. Immediately.”

  She stood up from the park bench and gathered her belongings. Adam watched her, but made no move to get up.

  Bree walked stiffly to her car, never once looking back. There was no point really; she knew she could never let another man in her heart again even if Adam had come perilously close, closer than even she wanted to admit.

  Quickening her step, she reached her car and gratefully sank into the interior. She resisted the urge to look back, twisting the key in the ignition and flying out of the parking lot.

  On the way home, she told herself it was for the best. She didn’t want to hurt Adam and it was better to stop the pain before it grew to unmanageable proportions. The last man she had allowed close to her heart had stolen it and she had never recovered. She hadn’t looked at another man as anything more than a friend and sometime sex partner since. No matter how many men she met, they all paled in comparison to Ben with his dominant and sweet ways.

  Bree sighed. She missed Ben with a bone deep ache that permeated every pore of her body. By sheer force of habit, she pushed the pain into the deep recesses of her heart. She wouldn’t think of Ben, not today. It was enough to juggle three lovers, oops, make that two now and Steven without throwing Ben i
nto the pile, too.

  She dismissed the ache in her heart as nothing more than natural sadness one had when an affair ended, completely normal and completely understandable.

  CHAPTER THREE

  BREE hesitantly clicked on the email from Adam. Two weeks had passed since she had broken things off with him and though she missed his company a great deal, she knew it could never work. In an effort to distract her thoughts from returning to him, she had thrown herself into several small projects around the house and refused to let her thoughts drift for too long, until now. She briefly considered deleting his message but curiosity overrode any remaining common sense she had left.

  To: Bree “Scaredy Cat” Daniels

  Subject: Avoiding the subject

  From: Adam Reagan

  Dear Scaredy Cat,

  I’ve come to the conclusion that all talk of love scares the pants off of you. Hmm, that just gave me an idea, but I digress. I’ve come up with a solution I think will work. Instead of calling what you’re feeling love, I’ve decided to give it another name. One that’s not so frightening. We’ll call the feelings you have for me Bob : )

  So in Bob with you,

  Adam

  Bree narrowed her eyes. What utter gall he had. She was not in love with him and she would prove it. She furiously typed out a reply and sat back to wait.

  To: Adam Reagan

  Subject: Re: Avoiding the subject

  From: Bree “not a scaredy cat” Daniels

  Dear Not in Bob with Me,

  I appreciate your efforts even if it’s not going to work. I thought I explained this to you before. Please stop trying.