by Anne O'Brien
‘I am so sorry,’ I breathed. ‘I am even more ashamed…’
And how unforgiving was his reply. ‘Well, my comment was ill advised, I suppose. What would a servant know of such high matters as behaviour between those of royal blood?’
‘I should not have said that. It was unforgivable. Everything I say to try to put this right between us seems to be the wrong thing.’
And I covered my face at the impossibility of it, so that when Owen moved to pull me to sit on the settle he startled me, but I did not refuse, neither did I rebuff him when Father Benedict rose, genuflected, and withdrew into the sanctuary, and Owen took a seat beside me.
‘Don’t weep,’ he said. ‘What I said to you was intolerable for a man of honour. But I claim provocation.’ His smile was wry. ‘Your tears are sufficient condemnation of my actions towards you. Doubtless I should be dismissed from your service for it. I would do nothing to hurt you, my lady.’
‘I’ll not dismiss you. Do you not understand?’ His return to formality overcame me, undermining all my intentions to remain aloof and distant, and the words poured as freely as my tears. ‘I was responsible. I was too impulsive. I am ashamed that I came to your room, willingly kissed you and accepted your kisses, and then my courage gave out at the last moment. I could see no happiness, no future, for either of us. Do you not see? I am not allowed to have what would make me happy. My life is dictated by Gloucester and the Council. Yes, I wanted you. I would have lain in your arms if I had not had a fit of remorse for beginning what could not be ended. For Gloucester’s anger at me would touch you also.’
He said nothing, merely leaned forward, forearms supported on his thighs, studying the tiles between his boots. I could not tell if he understood, or despised me as a weak woman who could not make up her own mind. I feared it might be the latter.
‘I wish I had never seen you swimming in the river,’ I sniffed.
He turned his head to look up at me. ‘Why?’
‘Because since then I am aware of you as I have been of no other man.’
‘I didn’t know you admired my prowess at swimming,’ he said.
‘I didn’t. I lusted after your body,’ I admitted.
He laughed softly, the sound not totally devoid of humour, as he returned my missal to me. ‘So why refuse me?’
‘Because I have to live as I am told to live, discreetly and circumspectly, to honour my son and the Crown.’
The dark brows drew together. ‘You are not a child, to follow orders.’
‘It is not as simple as that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I am alone. I have no one to encourage me, to give me strength. If I am to rebel against those who have power over me, I cannot do it alone. You were right. St Winifred had far more courage than I.’
‘To Hell with St Winifred. I would give you strength.’
‘But if we embarked on…that is to say…’
‘If you allowed me to become your lover.’
‘Yes. That is what I meant.’ I kept my gaze on my fingers, still clutching my ill-treated missal. ‘When it was discovered it would bring Gloucester’s wrath down on us. And that would mean dismissal for you, even punishment.’
‘To Hell with Gloucester too. Do you not rule your own household? I could give you happiness.’
‘And I could bring disaster down on your head.’
‘Do we deny each other because of what others want for us?’
It all seemed so simple when he spoke it. But it wasn’t simple at all. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘We must deny each other.’
His hand touched my arm. ‘I say no. Where is your spirit?’
‘I have none.’ Self-pity washed over me like a wave. ‘I don’t believe myself to be worthy of love.’
‘Look at me, Katherine.’
I did, wishing my face was not ravaged by tears, but still I looked, to discover all the anger and condemnation in his face had quite gone. I was caught up in such understanding, such compassion, such a tenderness of care that I could not look away.
‘Use my name,’ he said gently.
‘Owen,’ I said with a watery smile.
‘Good. You have given me a hard task, have you not? To prove to you that my love is sure? Now, listen to me. Here is how I see it,’ Owen stated solemnly. ‘I see a woman of extraordinary courage. You came to a strange country as a young girl, to make a new life alone since your husband left you for the demands of war. You bore the loss of widowhood, and you have stood by your young son. Do you think I have not seen how you behave? Never has there been a Queen Dowager as gracious as Katherine of France. You have escaped from the toils of Edmund Beaufort, God rot his soul. And not before time—he was not the man for you. I say that you are a woman of spirit. And I say that that you should not accept a life of solitude and loneliness because your brother-by-marriage thinks it would be good for the Crown. Do you not deserve a life of your own, on your own terms?’
There was a little silence.
‘Look at me, Katherine. Answer me.’
‘I…’
‘My lady?’
Father Benedict, who had approached, was looking from me to Owen in some perturbation. ‘Is there a difficulty?’ His eyes were fixed on my tear-stained cheeks.
‘No, Father.’
‘Are you troubled, my daughter?’ He was frowning.
‘No, Father. Unless it’s the troublesome matter of finance for St Winifred’s festival. Master Owen was reminding me.’
‘Money! Always a matter for discussion. Master Owen will solve it, I’m sure. He solves all our problems.’ Reassured, with a smile he made the sign of the cross and blessed us both before leaving us.
‘Is that an omen?’ I asked, momentarily distracted. ‘He blessed us both.’
‘He would not have done it if he knew what was in my mind,’ Owen replied, the unmistakable heat of desire like rich velvet in his eyes, making my heart bound. ‘I have a longing for you. Even in sleep I know no respite.’
‘And I long for you,’ I said. I scrubbed at my cheeks, wincing at the abrasion. ‘I wish I had not wept.’
‘You are beautiful even when you weep.’
‘You are beautiful too.’
Owen Tudor laughed and held out both hands. ‘And practical, so your priest says. I can deal with St Winifred. I can handle the money. Will you allow me to solve your problems too? To give you happiness?’
He was smiling at me, and I knew that this was a moment of vast consequence. Whatever decision I made now would set my feet on a different road. Would Owen Tudor give me the strength, the audacity to take hold of the happiness he offered? If I took that step it would be irrevocable, but I would not be travelling along that road alone. I looked at the hands held out to me, broad-palmed, long-fingered, eminently persuasive.
I closed my eyes, allowing the silence to sink into my mind, my heart, bringing me its peace. And I made my decision.
‘Yes. Oh, yes.’ Abandoning the missal, I placed my hands in his. Warm and firm, they closed around mine as if they would never release me. ‘I want to be with you, Owen Tudor,’ I said.
‘So it shall be,’ he promised. ‘We shall be together. You will be my love for all eternity. In this place I make it a sacred vow. I will never allow us to be parted, this side of the grave.’
And there in that holy place, the grace of Father Benedict’s blessing lingering in the air, I had no qualms. I gripped his hands tightly as he drew me towards him and touched his lips to my damaged cheek.
‘Forgive me, forgive me,’ he murmured.
‘I do,’ I whispered back. ‘I will go to the ends of the earth with you, Owen Tudor.’
‘And I will guard you well.’
For a moment I leaned into his embrace, my head resting on his shoulder. ‘But I have another sin to confess if I am to bare my soul.’
‘Another one? How many sins can the beautiful Katherine have committed?’
His face was alight with laughter as I freed my
hand from his and sought the recesses of my sleeve.
‘I kept this.’ And I lifted the silver dragon on my palm.
A strange expression crossed his face. ‘There it is.’ He took it from me, rubbing his thumb over the worn carving. ‘I thought I had lost it—and regretted it.’ He looked quizzically at me. ‘Why did you keep it?’
‘Because I wanted something of you, something that was yours and that you valued. I did not steal it,’ I assured him. ‘I would have returned it. I think you do value it.’
Still he held it in his palm, its dragon mouth swallowing its tail in whimsical beauty.
‘I do value it. You have no idea.’ Stern-faced, he pinned it to my bodice. ‘There. The dragon looks very well.’
‘But I must not.’ I remembered another brooch, another time. I must not take it.
‘It is what I wish. The Welsh dragon will guard you from all harm. There is no one I would rather have own it than you, the woman I love.’
And Owen Tudor kissed me, very gently, on my lips. It moved me to the depths of my soul.
We walked together from the chapel into the sun-barred enclosed area of the Horseshoe Cloisters, all that we had said and done and promised creating a wordless bond of delight between us. Until it was shattered. Usually a quiet place, the graceful arches stood witness to the scene of a fracas, causing us to halt to observe the group of young men who had joined the household to polish their knightly skills in the company of my son, under the tutelage of Warwick and the royal Master of Arms. They were invariably a boisterous fraternity, quarrelsome in the way of young men with too much unchannelled energy. Today raised voices echoed across the space, shouts, curses, some coarse laughter. A few punches would be thrown before the matter was settled.
But then came the dangerous rasp of steel as a sword was drawn from a scabbard. This was no formal passage of arms, controlled and supervised under Warwick’s eagle eye, but rather an outburst of temper, the climax of an argument. In a blink of an eye the dispute spun from crude name-calling to a dangerous confrontation with the gleam of inexpertly wielded weapons. The two lads circled, swords at the ready, their comrades encouraging with cat-calling and jeering. A lunge, a grapple, a cry of pain. There was little skill—they were too impassioned—but they hacked at each other as if they had every intention of murder.
‘They’ll kill each other by pure mischance,’ Owen growled, before he sprinted across the space to erupt into the rabble of an audience.
‘Stop this!’ His voice was commanding. The crowd fell instantly silent but the two combatants were too taken up with their quarrel to even hear.
‘Damned young fools!’ Owen addressed the watchers. ‘Could you not stop it getting to this pitch? Fists would have done the job just as well and with less damage to everyone.’
As he was speaking, he seized the sword from the scabbard of the nearest squire and a dagger from another, and waded in, steel flashing.
‘Put up your weapons,’ he commanded.
He struck one sword down with his own, the other he parried with the knife. Then, when he sensed the belligerence had not quite drained, he dropped his sword and gripped the wrist of one, who turned on him in blind fury. A wrench on the wrist and a fist to the jaw brought it all to a rapid if ignominious end, while I, a silent watcher, was more than interested to see how Owen would handle this. I had seen him marshal my servants, but I had never seen him in the throes of an altercation such as this with young men of high blood.
Breathless, hair in disarray, face afire and to my mind magnificent, Owen stood between them, one lad spread-eagled in the dust, the other still clutching his sword but no longer with intent to use it. Rounding on the rest, who were already putting distance between them and the culprits, he issued his instructions.
‘Go about your business. Unless you wish the Master or my lord of Warwick to hear about this disgraceful affair.’ Then to the two dishevelled combatants, first offering a hand to pull one of them to his feet: ‘You bring no credit to your families. Would you draw arms in the presence of the Queen?’ He gestured in my direction. ‘Make your bows!’
They did, shame-faced, one trying to brush the dust of the courtyard from his tunic. The rest of the conversation I did not hear. It proceeded for some time, low-voiced and mostly from Owen, monosyllabic and sullen from the lads. One such comment earned a cuff round the ear from Owen.
‘Do it now.’
Although his order was soft-voiced, there was an immediate, if reluctant, clasp of hands. They were not friends now, but perhaps would be by tomorrow.
‘There will be a penance for such stupidity,’ Owen announced. ‘You need to learn that the Queen’s Household will not be disturbed by such ill-bred behaviour. Use your wits next time before you decide to settle a minor squabble with cold steel. And as you are both as much to blame as the other.’
He handed a sword back to one with a punch to the shoulder, gave a rough scrub to the hair of the other. ‘A thorough cleaning out of the dovecote will give you pause for thought for the rest of the day.’ A ripple of laughter touched me. He had chosen a noisome punishment, but there was no dissent from either. ‘Now go. And show your belated respect to the Queen.’
They bowed again.
As I acknowledged them I saw Warwick, alerted by the raised voices, standing in the entrance from the Lower Ward. He had chosen not to intervene, but now walked forward stern-faced. The lads bowed rigidly and left through the same doorway at a run. Warwick grinned. The two men exchanged opinions, watching the squires disappear in the direction of the dovecote. I observed for a moment then left them to it.
The little scene stayed with me as I walked slowly back to join my damsels. It had piqued my interest: nothing out of the ordinary for a household of so many diverse souls, where conflict was frequent and often bloody in its outcome, but it had answered all my inner questions. Physical desire for a man could reduce a woman to terrible weakness, driving her to commit any number of irrational acts. But to desire and respect that same man? Owen Tudor had called to my soul in that moment of strict authority and grave compassion, as if he had known what it was to be the underdog, or the one unfairly accused, both injustices driving the boys to fight it out. Owen had meted out firm-handed but fair retribution.
Even more impressive, Owen Tudor had enough of a reputation in Young Henry’s court to be obeyed instantly. Authority sat well on him. The lads had accepted his punishment, obeyed his commands, even though they might see the ultimate hand of judgement over them as Warwick’s. They had vanished in the direction of the dovecote with alacrity, resigned to the rigours of the acrid, dusty toil apportioned to them.
Out of nowhere, I considered something I had never even thought about. My husband, Henry, had ignored his squires, young lads lifted out of their families and dropped into this strange world of the royal court where the demands on them were great. Sometimes they were lonely and homesick in the first years. Henry had barely noticed them, other than as young men to train up into knighthood. Edmund Beaufort had had no time for them, unless he had a need for their labours, co-opting them into some scheme for rough play or celebration. He had no patience when they did not obey instantly. Owen Tudor had known the lads by name. He had dealt with them with patience, with compassion. With a depth of understanding such as he had shown to me.
I had thought I did not know him well enough to share his bed. Now I was beginning to learn. And, yes, he was a man I could admire.
What path did we travel together, having reached this level of acknowledgement between us? I will go to the ends of the earth with you, Owen Tudor, I had vowed. I will guard you well, he had replied. It sounded well—but we travelled nowhere together for a considerable time, neither did I need guarding, for there was no occasion for us to be together in any real sense.
First St Winifred came between us. Young Henry was fascinated by the story of the virtuous lady, decapitated at the hands of the Welsh Prince Caradoc who had threatened her virtue, foll
owed by her miraculous healing and restoration to life. Young Henry expressed a wish to visit the holy well in the northern fastnesses of Wales. I explained that it was too far.
‘My father went on pilgrimage there. He went to pray before the battle of Agincourt,’ Young Henry said. How had he known that? ‘I wish to go. I wish to pray to the holy St Winifred before I am crowned King.’
‘It is too far.’
‘I will go. I insist. I will kneel at the spring on her special day.’
I left it to Warwick to explain that the saint’s day on the third day of November and young Henry’s coronation on the fifth day would not allow for a journey across the width of the country.
So we celebrated St Winifred at Windsor instead—earlier than her special day—but Owen’s preparations filled Young Henry with the requisite excitement. We prayed for St Winifred’s blessing, commending her bravery and vital spirit, and my coffers bought a silver bowl for Young Henry to present to her. Father Benedict had looked askance at making such a fuss of a Welsh saint—and a woman at that—but if King Henry, the victor at Agincourt, had seen fit to honour her, then so would we.
It was a magnificent occasion.
And then within the day all was packed up and we were heading to Westminster for the crowning of my son. Would Owen and I ever find the opportunity to do more than follow the demands of travel and Court life? It seemed that I would need all of Winifred’s perseverance.
On the fifth day of November I stood beside Young Henry when he was crowned King of England. How ridiculously young he looked at eight years, far too small for the coronation throne. Instead they arranged a chair, set up on a step, with a fringed tester embroidered with Plantagenet lions and Valois fleurs-de-lys to proclaim his importance, and with a tasselled cushion for his feet. Kneeling before his slight figure, I was one of the first to make the act of fealty, wrought by maternal worries.