Phwoar and Peace

by Andie M. Long

  God help me. “So, Ebony. The reason I am ringing you, or, well, you have called me-if it wasn’t clear in your vision-is that there have been developments with the war in Withernsea. Apparently, Samara has created a situation with another Cupid rep called Rebecca, to the extent that now Rebecca has sent a threat to Samara via a freshly cooked batch of sausage rolls which spelled-out the threat 'this is war bitch'. Now, this Rebecca is threatening to bring a protest to the doors of Mum's dating agency and to potentially bring down the wrath of Cupid himself. Rebecca is going to the Cupid magazine where she will highlight what she perceives to be the devastation wrought by dating agencies to Cupid Inc. What are your feelings about this? Does it fit with your visions of the war? It all started after a visit to a spa where Rebecca had been in the sauna so the heat aspect is covered.”

  There was a pause from the other end. “Though it does fit with the things I said, I don’t feel this is the war. The feelings of heat I get are intense, as if I am burning from the inside out. There’s also an overwhelming sense of evil now when I think about it.”

  I didn’t say that she could have done with mentioning that before. “Okay, Ebony. I’ll give this Rebecca a call and arrange to meet her. Then I can find out what she’s about and what her plans are once and for all, and see whether she is inherently evil, or just embarrassed that her hairy vajayjay was on display to all her colleagues at the spa.”

  “I find it hard to have sympathy for her. We all know it is important to give our appearance the utmost attention. One can never know when our bodies may end up on display, be that a chance encounter with a gorgeous man; or slipping on a banana skin, while wearing a tutu while having gone commando. By the way, I made the second situation up but it could happen. Can you imagine if that had happened to Sarah Jessica Parker in the beginning of Sex and the City? The ad on the bus would probably have ended up being sponsored by Veet.”

  “Actually, come to think of it, there was a similar scene to all this in the second Sex and the City film where Miranda hadn’t shaved.”

  “My God someone actually did watch that film after all,” Ebony said. “Did you not see the reviews? There was a reason there was no third film and I’m sure hairy vajayjays were the real reason. No one wants to see that, ever.”

  Dear God. I had forgotten what conversations with Ebony about looking your best at all times were like. My mum said she could barely walk past the shop without Ebony dragging her in and doing something like threading her eyebrows before letting her go to the office for the day.

  “Right, well thank you, Ebony. I must get going and arrange to see this Rebecca. I will leave you to return to the husband of yours. Have a good evening.”

  “Oh, honey, I intend to.” She ended the call.

  I thought about what Ebony said and looking at the time I saw it was getting late. I decided it was time to get something to eat, something to drink (probably an O-neg) and then before I did anything else, I was going to get in the shower, shave my legs and underarms, pluck my eyebrows, and apply fake tan. Because whatever I did next, I would do it looking amazing. I did not want to go down in history remembered as being the Hairy Queen of Withernsea.

  On Saturday morning, I went downstairs and fixed myself a coffee, then returned to bed and stayed under the duvet for an hour while talking to Kai. He understood that I wouldn’t be able to see him until Sunday evening. Once I’d ended my conversation with Kai, I picked up the piece of paper with Rebecca’s details and phoned the number written there. It rang out a few times before she answered.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello, is that Rebecca?”

  “Yes, my name is Rebecca. Who is this?”

  Here went nothing. Once I explained who I was, I fully anticipated Rebecca would hang up.

  “My name is Charlie. I'm the daughter of Shelley Landry. Please don’t hang up. I want to talk to you about Samara.”

  “If you’re a friend of Samara's, then I doubt I have anything to say to you, or anything that you could say to me. She’s embarrassed me so much I can barely show my face around Hornsea.”

  I decided the best way to try to get through to Rebecca was to give her my time and attention and listen to her perceived plight. “Oh I can imagine. Samara has always been a bit foot in mouth. She acts first and then realises what she’s done later. I honestly don’t think she will have meant any malice at that point. However, I wasn’t there and so I don’t feel like I can defend her. The reason I’ve called is that obviously my mum runs Withernsea Dating Agency and she is concerned that there could be trouble from Cupid reps and the public brought to her door because of Samara's behaviour.”

  “The thing is, that although Samara is a complete bitch and I do believe she did do it on purpose because she always wants to be the centre of attention, the fact remains that cupiding is becoming more and more difficult due to the increase in dating agencies, both in towns and cities, and online. We have monthly quotas and it gets increasingly impossible to meet our targets when everyone is competing for the same pool of single people. I used to matchmake a lot of supernaturals before your mum's agency opened as there wasn’t really anywhere else for them to go. It was a way that I managed to meet my numbers. Since she opened the supernatural division of her agency it has made my own job harder.”

  “I totally get you, babe, but that’s the thing with business, it’s always evolving. How long has Cupid been doing this biz for now? It sounds like maybe Cupid Inc needs an overhaul. Not to audit Samara, but to have a look at its internal structure and see if there’s a way that Cupid Inc can run alongside dating agencies or do something that a dating agency can’t do.”

  “Like what?” Rebecca asked.

  “Well, just off the top of my head for instance, my mum doesn’t have time to look in great detail about why someone is not successful at dating. She can use her computer systems, but what about the completely undateable? You could spend time with that person one-on-one, look to see if they have any obvious problems or flaws, and work with them to either change, or find a person who loves them warts and all.”

  “You might have an idea there, you know? Can you do me a favour? Don’t mention this to Samara. If you tell her, she will take it straight to Cupid himself, make out it’s all her idea, and then it can be Samara the Superstar all over again.”

  “She is really nice underneath her brash exterior, you know. It’s just while the outside package is pretty it still manages to hurtle around like a baby elephant. But I won’t say anything. You take this idea to Cupid if you want to and see what he says. Funnily enough, my mum said she might end up offering you a job. Maybe instead you can still work for Cupid Inc alongside my mum's and other dating agencies, finding love for the people the dating agencies can’t find matches for?”

  “Well we’ll have to agree to disagree. Because I can’t forgive Samara for what she did. It’s not my fault I’d broken my glasses the day before. Well, it kind of is, because I’d sat on them. It was just unfortunate that when I come out of the sauna my swimsuit had moved to the side just slightly. No one would have noticed if Samara hadn’t drawn their attention to it. It wasn’t like there was a gorilla situation down there. It didn’t look like Tom Selleck’s chest hair. The worst thing was the gossip got back to my team in Hornsea and since then my colleague, Felix, hasn’t been able to look me in the eye. I was sure he was about to ask me out before this. So not only has Samara made me a laughing stock across the regional division, it’s also made me an embarrassment in my own team and potentially cost me a date.”

  It sounded to me that all Rebecca had needed was someone to listen to her. “Well, Rebecca, sounds to me like you have the perfect guinea pig to practice on. Because you, according to what you said are currently an undateable. So all you have to do is pretend you are one of your clients, start from there, and bag yourself a date with Felix. So what do you think, Bex? A date, and a chance to impress Cupid himself, leading to a potential new side to the business.” I pra
yed I’d done enough to settle the situation.

  “Charlie, you’ve turned out to be like my guardian angel, or something. Before you rang, I’ll be honest, I was full of rage, and trying to work out how I could get revenge on Samara. With all the stress of trying to reach my targets, alongside my recent humiliation, all I could think about was going to the Cupid Inc magazine and causing a stir in Withernsea on Samara’s turf. But your call has helped me see another way forward, one where I can get some Cupid kudos, a potential romance, a new career, and to get my reputation back on track. Onwards and upwards.”

  Wow! This had gone better than I could ever have expected. If this was indeed the war of Withernsea, then I reckoned I’d just prevented it. That would mean I didn’t have to learn approximately 17 different kinds of species fighting and could go to see Kai straightaway.

  “So, about Samara. Is it possible that for now you could ignore her? Just until I get the chance to have a chat with her and try to point out to her how what she did was insensitive. I’m sure she will apologise profusely when she realises just how much she has upset you.”

  “Yes, sure, that’s fine. To be honest if things with Cupid go well, then I won’t care what Samara is doing anyway. However an apology in future would be appreciated. In the meantime, I’ll ignore her, if she ignores me and leaves me the hell alone.”

  “So no more deliveries of threatening sausage rolls, okay?”

  “But she didn’t seem too bothered about them anyway, despite the fact I’d been told she hated sausage rolls.”

  WTF? “What do you mean, you’d been told she hated sausage rolls?”

  “Well, the anonymous email I received about Samara from my secret supporter said so. It said for me to tell my managers at Cupid Inc about her behaviour, to go to the magazine, and to send some sausage rolls to the grooming salon because she absolutely hated them.”

  For a few moments I didn’t say a word in reply because my mind was trying to process the fact that Rebecca had been set up. In fact, we all had. Whoever had sent Rebecca the email had deliberately tried to divert attention away from their own plan. Basically, whoever had sent the email was the person planning on starting the war.

  My heart plummeted. I’d still need to train, and now I needed to try to find out who had sent Rebecca the email. We had to be on our guard at all times because the person behind it was playing a clever game with us all.

  “Are you still there?” Rebecca asked.

  “Yeah, I am. Listen, I might need to ask you a favour in return. I know it's the first time you’ve ever heard from me and I don’t know how much you know about the politics of Withernsea, but I am prophesied to save Withernsea from a great war.”

  “Sorry, in Hornsea we don’t tend to hear much about other areas. It’s only the fact that Samara seems to love trying to get attention despite the fact she is the worst Cupid rep in the whole country, that I’ve had anything to do with Withernsea. That sounds really bad, Charlie. What favour is it that you need? I don’t mind as long as I don’t have to go into battle. I've had enough of that lately with Samara.”

  “I just need to try to find out who sent you the email. I wonder if there’s any way you could contact your network, anyone really, see if you can find anything out. I know it’s probably like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it’s worth a try because I believe the person who sent this message to you is the one trying to cause trouble in Withernsea. By sending you the email, it led me to believe that the prophesy involved the Cupid reps and now I see this is doubtful.”

  “Oh, Charlie, yes. There is no way we would be at the centre, or at the start for that matter of any war. No matter our bickering internally, we are all about love. I will do what I can to find out where the message may have come from and I’ll let you know. Thanks once again for calling me today. You have been an amazing help and I now feel positive about the future. It seems to me that you are a special, amazing person, and I can understand why you were chosen to save Withernsea.”

  Oh my. I had dreaded making this call, expecting to have to deal with a complete bitch, and I’d actually encountered a really lovely person. Now she'd put in context and reminded me what cupid reps were all about, it did seem stupid to have thought they might have started the Withernsea war. We said our goodbyes, and I went downstairs and updated my mother on the contents and outcome of my conversation with Rebecca.

  “Well it’s great there’s not going to be any protests outside the dating agency.” My mum said. “However, it means we are no nearer to finding out who is behind the war.”

  “True, but it does prove that the person or persons responsible are already setting forth their mission to unleash war or evil upon Withernsea. The message sent to Rebecca was done with malice and to cause friction in the community. They were obviously intent on causing trouble or to divert our attention away from their own dastardly plans. So, Mum, we really do need to be extra vigilant. To be looking for anyone acting strangely, any newcomers to Withernsea; particularly anyone who might suddenly join the dating agency to get close to us.”

  “I’ll make sure your father does deep research on any new application from either human or supernatural before they are taken onto our books.”

  I thanked my mum, grabbed some lunch, and then headed to Alyssa’s where she was going to give me my first combat training of the day.

  When I returned home on Saturday evening, I felt battered and bruised. After seeing Alyssa, I’d visited Tristan, then gone through to Frankie’s for some further teaching on supernatural species' strengths and weaknesses. I didn’t know which was harder: combat, or trying to keep up with Lucy’s sarcasm. To say she was no longer a demon, and had been given the job as an earth angel, she was still a force to be reckoned with. I returned with a list of dos and dont’s for Friday’s wedding reception, including that if the DJ played a single bar of Gangnam Style, she would light a match under Jax’s sprinklers. I didn’t bother explaining that the music was coming from my iPod attached to a speaker because it was the cafe, not a nightclub, but I quickly deleted Gangnam Style from the wedding playlist, along with Celebration, Saturday Night, and The Birdie Song.

  A large part of Sunday daytime was spent in bed because my muscles screamed every time I tried to move myself. I'd thought having such a mix of supernatural ability, I’d get away with aches and pains, but I guess like with anything you had to use it or lose it. After a nice long soak in the tub, I went downstairs where I consumed double my usual amount of O-neg. I felt it run along my system, repairing torn muscles and easing the ache in my joints. A future lesson had been learned, double the blood before and after combat training.

  Tomorrow, I would be back seeing different supernaturals for more training, and seeing Frankie again for more lessons on my peers, or should that be subjects? It still seemed very strange to comprehend that I was the Queen of both Withernsea and Wyvern Sea. But now it was time to forget the woes of Withernsea and go underwater to see my man.

  I don’t know which made me more nervous.

  Charlie

  Daniel once more brought me to the door of Kai’s cottage. Kai opened the door, a beaming smile across his face. The same smile was no doubt mirrored in my own face. My cheeks were aching with it. It had only been a couple of days since we had last seen each other but it had felt like a lifetime.

  Kai directed me straight through his living room, through his kitchen, and out of the rear door, onto the patio where we walked towards his workshop. Just inside the outbuilding I could see a large shape wrapped in a sheet, with a large ribbon around it tied in a bow.

  “I missed you, but it gave me a chance to finish your gift.” Kai grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the gift.

  “Wow, Kai, I was expecting you to have a big package, but this is really something.” I winked and watched as my beautiful man blushed. I had obviously spent too much time in Kim's presence and wanted to bite out my own tongue.

  I stood in front of the gift and turned t
o him. “Can I open it now?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  I reached to the bow at the back and unwrapped the ribbon. Then I removed the sheet. Below, I found the most exquisitely carved chair. Made of driftwood, it had a smooth seat and back but gnarled legs. It was a sheer thing of beauty, and a testament of his talent at his craft.

  “Oh, Kai, it is stunning.”

  “Not as stunning as the woman I made it for.” He told me. “I know you wear no airs and graces, but I believe that my queen needs a throne. Therefore I have made you this chair that you can either keep here, or have transported back to the farmhouse. You can use it as a dressing table chair or a desk chair, whatever you want, but I want you to know that as far as I’m concerned this is the throne for my queen.” He moved closer to me, taking me in his arms, and staring down into my eyes. “Charlie, I love you.”

  My knees went weak, and I had to sit on the chair. “Is this why you made it? Did you know you were going to make my legs turn to jelly and I'd need somewhere to rest?” I looked back at him, “Kai, I love you too.”

  Kai moved towards me, lowered himself onto his knees, leaned forward and crashed his mouth to mine. We became a tangle of lips, and teeth, and tongues, until after a few minutes Kai broke our kiss and moved back.

  “My apologies, Charlie, for my getting carried away. I wish to respect you, but you have to appreciate, it’s hard for me to resist.”

  “Yeah, I can see that.” I joked as my gaze fixed upon his groin area. Kai blushed again and I found it so endearing that he was a little shy around me when I was the virgin. I knew Kai had not had many lovers and this made me happy, because I might be Queen of Withernsea but I was still insanely jealous of anyone who had been with my man. Standing up from my seat, I grabbed hold of Kai’s hand and led him back across the patio, through the kitchen, and into the living room, where I paused at the bottom of the stairs. My heart thudded so hard in my chest, I didn’t know how Kai couldn’t hear it and how the walls weren’t shaking with the ricochet from it. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I turned back to Kai, swallowing before I uttered a word, my mouth was so dry.