by Rebel Farris
I woke up to the bright sun leaking through slats in the blinds of my window, directly into my eyes. The first thing I noticed was that Xander was gone. But that wasn’t what woke me up. It was the incessant pounding on my door. The walls of my tiny trailer shook, rattling the only picture on the bedroom wall—the one of me, Rachel, and Tia.
I pulled my ass out of the bed with a groan as the pounding continued. It sounded like they were using a battering ram. Boom. Boom. Boom. I checked the time on the alarm clock as I pulled on my robe. It was nearly five in the evening. Walking down the hall, I could hear Billy and Joanne’s voices outside.
My clothes from last night that I’d tossed on the floor were neatly folded and stacked on the kitchen counter. Next to it sat an envelope with my name on it. Boom. Boom. Boom. I didn’t have time to check it out. I needed to answer the door while I still had one.
I went to yank it open, but the dead bolt was locked. I blinked and rubbed my sleep-weary eyes, then unlocked it and tried again.
“It’s about fuckin’ time.” Rachel shoved my keys in my hand and shouldered past me. “I swear if I’d to listen to those two bicker and toss accusations for ten more seconds… I don’t know. You need to move out of this place. Those people are too much. You know the place next door to me is up for rent?”
“I do know this because you’ve mentioned it to me no less than ten times a day since I’ve been back. But it’s a three-bedroom and two hundred dollars more a month than this place. I don’t need the space.” I motioned around to the sparse furnishings. “And I can’t afford it. Not after missing a month of work and spending all my savings.”
“I know, I know. I’ve heard all that. I just wish you were closer. Tia lives down the street, but it would be amazing if you were next door and we were all within walking distance. We could carpool?” She grinned.
I sighed and went to make some tea. “You want some?”
“Sure, but I’d an ulterior motive to comin’ over, other than to bring you your truck. Which is a nice truck, by the way. Classic. I had to pry Gary away from it.” She hopped up on the counter. “Gary’s not coming to get me for a couple of hours, so we have time. But I wanted to bring you this.”
She dug around in her purse and pulled out a box. Waving it around in the air, she watched me with an expressionless face as I put the kettle on the stove. I grabbed it and read the box. Virtually 100% accurate…
“You bought me a pregnancy test?”
“Uh, yeah. You did say that you’d been getting sick and throwing up lately. And that was how I knew when I was pregnant. Mornin’ sickness is a bitch.”
“I also told you that I’d hit my head pretty hard. I’m not pregnant.”
Her hands went to her hips as she pinned me with a glare. “Have you ever been pregnant?”
“No. You know that.” I gave her a deadpan look.
“Exactly. Leave the know-it-all to us experts.” She tapped her fingernail on the bottom of the box. “So where is Xander?”
I set the box on the counter. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
I threw up my hands, palms up. “Are you impersonating a parrot now?”
“No. It’s just that he took you home last night. I assume you got your freak on. Figured you’d know where he was going when he left.” She shrugged.
I huffed out a breath. “Look, I would assume he went home, but he left while I was asleep, so I don’t have confirmation of his whereabouts.”
“Wow, testy much?”
“Sorry, I just woke up.”
“No, it’s something else. I’ve known you since we were kids; you’ve never gotten short with me. This is something else. So what’s bothering you?”
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I fought them back.
“Nothing. So, you think I might be pregnant?” I waved the box in the air. “How am I supposed to work this thing?”
“You pee on the stick. It’s not rocket science.” Rachel shrugged.
I took in a deep, ragged breath. “Fine, I’ll go do that.”
“Fine. Then you’ll tell me what crawled up your ass when you get back.”
I glared at her and flipped her off.
“No thanks, honey. You’re not my type. I’ve got Gary’s cock for that.”
“Must be satisfying.” I held up my hand, displaying my thumb and index finger an inch apart.
“Go pee on the fuckin’ stick, bitch. Stop trying to piss me off to avoid it, or I’ll tell Gary you said that.”
She probably could have used any threat in the world and I would have stayed out of stubbornness, but I loved Gary like a brother, I didn’t want him getting angry with me. And he wouldn’t understand my mood swings the way Rachel did. I knew Rachel back before my mom got sent away. And every time I ran away from a foster home, she was who I’d run to. Tia, we met when we went to high school, where the district was wide enough to span from our side of town to the rich people’s side.
“Fine,” I huffed and stormed back to the bathroom.
I did need to go pee anyway, having just rolled out of bed. And I’d do it if only just to prove her wrong. I ripped open the box, narrowly avoiding spilling its contents all over the floor. I set all the pieces on the counter and pulled open the instructions. It really was pretty much just peeing on the stick. So I sat down, positioned the stick where it needed to be, and let loose. I decided to do the second one too, in case I screwed it up. I wasn’t going to be able to make myself pee again anytime soon.
Setting the tests on the counter, I finished up and washed my hands, because yep, I peed on them too. I was just about to sit on the tub’s edge to wait when I heard the kettle. I rushed back to the kitchen, pulling the kettle off the stove. Two mugs and the honey were sitting out. Rachel knew how I liked my tea. It brought a little smile to my face.
I peeked back at her as I poured the steaming water into the mugs. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take all this shit out on you.”
“I’m not sure what shit you’re referring to, but I’ll take the apology.”
“How are things with you?” I called back to her over my shoulder. “We haven’t had much time to really talk since I’ve been back.”
“It’s great. Gary’s great.”
“And the kiddo?” I smiled thinking about him.
“Just like his dad, it’s almost scary. Like I brought another Gary into the world.”
I smirked. They did have the cutest little boy. He even called me aunt. I finished making our tea and stirred in the honey.
“You wanna see the verdict?” She rubbed her hands together.
I handed her the mug of tea. “Can you make it sound less… criminal?”
“It’s a life sentence, no matter which way you look at it.” She took the cup with a shrug.
“You look.” I nodded toward the bathroom.
She grinned. “Really?”
“Yes, hurry. The suspense is killing me.” I made a shooing motion with my hands.
She walked around the corner into the hall. I listened for a reaction, but I heard nothing. Just silence. I tapped my fingers on the side of the mug as I blew on the tea to cool it down. Then the toilet flushed. Really? I’m waiting to find out if I’m having Xander’s baby, and she decides to use the bathroom.
Rachel finally came walking out, looking as normal as she would any day of the week. She was giving nothing away, and I wanted to strangle her.
“So, what is it?”
“You, my friend—” She picked up her tea and took a long sip.
My eyes were shooting death rays at her.
“—are sentenced to life with child.” She grinned and set the mug down, then bounced on her toes. “You are so pregnant. That’s two positive tests on the counter.”
The mug of tea in my hands crashed to the ground. The room spun around me. Pregnant. I was pregnant. With Xander’s kid. And he would never know.
“Holy shit!” Rachel dashed across the kitchen and thre
w a towel down on the tea as she reached out and grabbed me.
She wasn’t strong enough to stop me, and my ass hit the floor with a thump.
“Okay, now. Now’s the time to tell me what really happened when you disappeared.”
I felt dizzy, confused. “He’s gone.”
“Yeah, I noticed. But why are you—”
“No, I don’t mean he’s gone from my house. I mean that he’s not from around here.”
“I caught that, too. The accent sort of gave it away.”
I needed to tell her. I needed to tell someone the truth about it all, and she made the most sense. My oldest friend could keep a secret. She had kept many for me throughout the years. So I did it. I told her everything. Though I left out the part about the motorcycle. I think love was the only thing that made me overlook that, and I didn’t want to make her angry at him for not bringing me back sooner.
“So he’s a Czechoslovakian spy that just diverted a war. That’s some crazy shit. And you’re right. If I hadn’t known you my whole life, I wouldn’t believe you. But I know you’re not creative enough to make up something like that.”
My jaw went slack. “Hey!”
“Can’t run from the truth.” She shook her head and sagged until her back hit the kitchen cabinet.
I sighed, moving on. “You can’t tell anyone. Not even Gary.”
“Your secret’s safe with me… What’re you gonna do?”
“Huh?”
“About Xander and the baby?”
“Oh… I don’t know. I’m keeping it. It’s a piece of him that I get to have forever.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t think you would get rid of it. That’s just not you. But are you going to tell him?”
I shrugged. “He’s leaving tomorrow. I don’t even know what time.”
“Then you should go now.” She leaned forward, propping her chin on her fists. “He deserves to know.”
“I’m not supposed to go back there.”
“I don’t think he’d be running around town with you if some secret spy group dropped in because you picked up a phone.”
She had a point. I tilted my head as I considered it. But then I remembered the note. I stood up, swiping it off the counter. It wasn’t just a note. It was a standard mailing envelope, but it was thick. I opened it and pulled out the contents. There was a large stack of hundred-dollar bills—there had to be ten thousand dollars here—and a note. A key slipped out too and clattered to the floor.
“Holy shit!” Rachel gasped, staring at the money.
She yanked it out of my hand and started counting. The note was written in slightly legible handwriting.
Rosie,
I can never give you the life you deserve, but I wish I could. I know you missed out on work while you were with me, and I wanted to make up for anything you lost in that time. Please accept this and know that no matter where I am, you are in my heart. And don’t leave a key under your potted plant anymore.
Eternally and forever yours,
Xander
Nope. Hell to the fuck no. I took care of myself, and I needed no one’s money to get by. I was on the fence about going to see him, but I would do it, if only to give this back. I didn’t have much, but I was nobody’s charity case. And yes, I could see that he was just trying to be sweet; he loved me, and I loved him more for trying, but this was a hard line for me.
Rachel grabbed the note out of my hands and read it.
“You’re so movin’ in next door now.” She smiled wide. “In fact, I’ll call the realtor while you’re gone and get the application.”
I shook my head. “I’m not keeping it. I’ll give it back to him when I go talk to him.”
“That’s bullshit.” She huffed. “You’ll need this, just for the baby and medical bills alone.”
“I don’t need it.”
“You do.” Her brows drew together. “Don’t be stubborn about this.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not bein’ stubborn”
“Are too.”
“Fine.” I flipped one hand into the air. “What the fuck ever. I’m stubborn. So sue me. I’m not taking money from the man. Not now, not ever.” I stood up. “I’m going. I’m going to tell him about the baby. I’m going to give him back the money, and that will be that.”
“Fine. Hopefully he can talk sense into you. It’s obvious you won’t listen to me. But I can tell you now. You say the words ‘baby’ or ‘pregnant,’ and he’s not taking it back. Not if he’s half the man I think he is. So, I’m still callin’ the realtor. And I will leave the application on the counter.” She swiped the key off the floor and shoved it into her pocket. “You’ll want to be near me, because I’m going to help you raise that baby. I’m going to answer all your questions, and babysit, and love the shit out of that kid like it was my own. Got me?” She stood up, red-faced.
I stood there quietly and stared at her. I don’t think I’d ever seen her get that mad at me before. I didn’t dare say a word back. She used the words got me. That’s the signal that makes code-red sirens go off. I watched her as she paced the floor and huffed. I slowly shoved the money back into the envelope, stuffing it into my purse. I grabbed my key and slid the house key back on the key ring.
“What I don’t get is why did he call—”
“I’m going now. It’s getting late and I want to catch him before he leaves.”
I knew what she was going to ask, and I didn’t have time to explain it. He could be leaving early to stay the night somewhere closer to an airport. I didn’t know. But I wanted to tell him—I needed to. If only to give the child a chance to know him.
Return
I pulled out of my driveway in a hurry. The sun was already dipping low on the horizon, and I knew that I had to make it there before sunset. I didn’t think I would be able to find it any other way. The driveway was pretty nondescript and easy to miss on a sunny day. Finding it at night would be impossible.
The farther I drove, the better I felt about this decision. I was still nervous. How did you tell a guy you were pregnant with his kid? Other than the obvious. I knew the words I’m pregnant were involved, but did you just dive off into that phrase, or did you need a warm-up?
I was so full of nervous jitters, I turned off the radio. The music was only ratcheting up my nerves even more. Though I was more worried about how I was going to tell him than how he would react. I didn’t know what being a father would mean to him, but I knew he valued family. He would treasure this little pea, even if he couldn’t be around full-time.
The sun had set by the time I pulled into the driveway of the farmhouse. But the sky was still a royal-blue stain above. Only a few brave stars had peeked out. Rocks clanked against the truck as it tossed up bits of the gravel drive. I’d forgotten how long this driveway was. It seemed to stretch out forever.
Eventually I saw the back of the garage, then turned the corner around to its front. The motorcycle sat in the front yard, near the house. Lights were on inside. I killed the engine and let out a breath of relief. He was here.
I gave myself a few moments as I gathered the courage to do what I needed to. And when I finally opened the door and stepped out, I believed I was ready for what happened next. The tiny rocks crunched beneath my boots as I made my way toward the front door.
The door was open, but the screen door still covered the entrance. The evening news played on the TV in the living room, but I didn’t see him anywhere.
I knocked and heard shuffling coming from the kitchen area, but still couldn’t see him. I turned and looked out over the yard, waiting for him to answer the door. I considered walking in, but given the news I had to deliver, bursting in his front door and announcing I was pregnant seemed rude. Right?
I was just about to knock again when I heard the voice. A deep, raspy, accented voice.
“You are looking well, for a dead girl.”
I turned in what felt like slow motion. It seemed like hours passed
before my eyes landed on his face, and when it did, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was the guy from the car. My car. It was the guy who stole my car. No, that was the story I told the girls. I wanted to say it was the killer, but that wasn’t right either—Xander was the killer.
I didn’t know who he was, but I knew he was dangerous. It fell off him in waves. He was younger than I initially thought, but still much older than Xander.
I stepped back.
Another step.
I still had my keys in my hand, and I gauged the distance to the truck in my mind. I decided to go for it. I turned, and promptly miscalculated. I was too close to the edge of the porch and tumbled down the three steps to the dirt yard below. Scrambling to my feet, I got one whole step before I felt the firm grip in my hair.
“Where are you going? You didn’t even come inside.”
I started to scream, but his sweaty palm clapped over my mouth.
“Now, now. Don’t go ruining the fun for me yet.”
Survival
“I find it infinitely humorous that you showed up here, all bright-eyed, for him. I am going to love taking this back to the home office. Our most ruthless, efficient agent has gone soft, leaving loose ends. We can’t have that.”
Time seemed to slow to a crawl. Every heartbeat felt like the reverberation of a thunderclap played on one-tenth speed. I pulled my head back as hard as I could, but his grip was solid. Dread sunk to the bottom of my stomach like a hot stone. He grabbed hold of my wrist and twisted it behind my back. I crumpled from the pain.
Pressing his chest to my back, he picked me up, trapping that arm in place. He was so much taller than me that my feet dangled helplessly, searching for the ground. I was so screwed. My only hope was that Xander would save me, but he had warned me. I knew coming back here was a bad idea, yet I allowed other things to cloud rational thinking.
This wasn’t a safe place. There were no truly good memories, and Xander wasn’t a good man. He was just good to me in a moment of weakness.
The man started moving. I kicked and screamed into his hand. It was useless. He was too strong and had me locked in his arms, one around my waist, the other over my mouth, pressing my head back onto his shoulder. I tried biting him, but he just laughed and kept a steady course. I was looking up at the stars, spinning as he shifted.