“No.”
“This will be really easy and you might even like it.”
“Okay.”
“What I’d like to do is have you identify something in your life that makes you unhappy. Something that has perhaps bothered you for a long time. The kind of thing that comes up over and over again in your thoughts. Then when you identify something, we’ll just talk about it a little. As simple as that sounds, it can be very therapeutic.”
“Do you mean like something from my childhood?”
“It could be, but it doesn’t have to be. We’re not necessarily looking for blood and gore.” Gerald smiled. “It can be as simple as something that regularly makes you sad or unhappy when you think about it.”
Something immediately sprang to Deron’s mind, but it was personal and he didn’t want to talk about that with Gerald. He tried to think of something else.
He was able to think of a few other things that bothered him like the way his mother and his grandfather often didn’t get along, and how much he hated school, but his mind kept returning to his first thought. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to tell someone about it, he told himself. After all, he’d be out of here soon and it’s not like he’d ever see Gerald again after he left.
“Well, there is one thing,” he said.
“Great. Take your time and tell me about it whenever you’re ready.”
“There’s this girl…” Deron started.
“Isn’t there always?” Gerald laughed. “Tell me about her.”
“Her name is Michelle. And she’s really sweet and unlike anyone else I’ve ever known. At least, she used to be sweet. And that’s the problem. I think deep inside, she still is, but she’s like, out of touch with her real feelings, you know?”
“I think I know what you mean. That happens to a lot of people, unfortunately.”
“The thing is, we used to be best friends. We grew up together and we were really close. And then…I started to feel something more than just friendship after a while. And I know she did too. And the whole time we were friends—best friends, actually, we prioritized each other, sorta. Do you know what I mean?”
“Each of you came first with the other?”
“Yeah, but even more than that. Not only was she the most important person to me, but she came first even when maybe she shouldn’t have. Like boys and girls can be friends up until a certain age, but then they usually have same-sex best friends. I had male friends, but I didn’t ever really connect with them the way I did with Michelle. And so I’d get teased and called names for always hanging out with her, but I didn’t let that affect our friendship. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I took my friendship and my feelings for her seriously, and I didn’t treat her differently, or dismiss her just to gain the acceptance of others, or like, bow to peer pressure or whatever, like most people would’ve. I stayed true to my best friend, no matter the consequences.”
“That’s very admirable. You sound like a great friend.”
“But not great enough apparently.”
“Did she not reciprocate with the same degree of loyalty?”
“Yeah, but it’s even worse, and that’s what I don’t get, and so that’s why it’s like you said – something that really bothers me. I didn’t just imagine that we felt the same toward each other, like from when we were friends to when things started to change toward being almost romantic, or however you want to put it.”
Deron bit the skin on his bottom lip as he stared into the past at images Gerald could only imagine. He could see the pain in the boy’s eyes and he genuinely felt for him. He spoke softly.
“So, what happened?”
“Well, one day we were at Mile Square Park by the lake. We were just sitting and talking and goofing off. You know. Nothing special. Just hanging out like usual. Some friends of mine came by and told me they were going to ride their bikes to the beach and they wanted me to go with them. I declined. Whenever I had a choice between doing something with the guys I knew or spending time with Michelle, I always chose Michelle. She’d always been the one friend that I really cared about and the one I related to more than anyone, but now, there was something even more to it. Like some kind of magical new element that was just getting ready to blossom. I could feel it changing. We’d both reached puberty and our interest in each other was developing a new and exciting layer on top of our friendship.
“And I swear, if things had gone the way they should have, we would’ve ended up like those old stories of people who fell in love and stayed together for like eighty years or something.”
“But?” Gerald asked, hoping the story wasn’t about to turn tragic.
“Usually when I turned down an invitation from my ‘friends,’ they’d give me some shit about it but they didn’t didn’t get all bent out of shape. But this time they did. I don’t know why. It was like a do or die kinda thing. Maybe they were tired of having me as a friend who always turned them down, so like I had to make a choice once and for all. It was a no-brainer for me. I’d never turn my back on Michelle.”
Deron shook his head slowly, thinking of something that would come later in the story.
“Anyway, things got ugly. They called me worse names than usual and it was like they really meant it this time. There was this one guy, Billy, who said to let him know when my period started. Then they left.” Deron just sat there, remembering.
“And then?”
“Then the most amazing thing happened,” Deron said, smiling for the first time that Gerald had seen. “After they rode off on their bikes, she kissed me.” The smile grew until it morphed into a grimace.
“It sounds like you two were off to a great start. It’s unusual to see that level of commitment at such a young age. Peer pressure can be a very powerful influence.”
“You’re absolutely right. It was. For her. But after that day, she started acting different. She got distant. I’d reach her voicemail more than I’d reach her. We hardly ever saw each other anymore, and when we did, she didn’t have time to hang out. She acted like… what’s the word? Cordial. Like I was someone she knew and who she was required to be nice to or something.
“It didn’t make any sense. At first I thought it was because we kissed and now she didn’t know how to act around me. But the new school year started the Monday after we kissed and I found out later that she was immediately drafted into this group of super popular girls who everyone thinks are the hottest girls on earth. But if you ask me, they’re so empty inside they might as well be dead.”
“I take it girls like that are required to have boyfriends who are equally popular and vapid?”
“Exactly! And that’s part of what’s so messed up about this. Michelle isn’t like them.”
Deron got animated now as he spoke, sitting up in his chair and looking at Gerald with newfound respect because he seemed to really understand.
“This girl I’d known all my life suddenly became a stranger. She became one of them – a hot zombie. And now I suddenly wasn’t good enough for her. She gave up everything we had between us, and even more that we would’ve had, just so she would be liked by girls whose opinions she never would’ve even given a damn about. Girls she wouldn’t have even liked because they’re so shallow and stupid. I just don’t get it.”
“It’s even more than that, isn’t it, Deron?”
“What do you mean?”
“She didn’t just change and start acting out of character, turning her back on you, but to make it even worse, you had just sacrificed your social standing and invoked the wrath of your peers as you declared your loyalty to her.”
“Right,” Deron said, facing another painful aspect of the situation. “It’s like I stood up to everyone for her, and brought on whatever hell that was going to put me through for her sake. But when she was faced with a fraction of the same thing, she caved without a second thought like I meant nothing to her.” Deron noticed his eyes had begun to water, but he didn’t care.
“
I wouldn’t assume it was without a second thought though, Deron. She probably gave it a lot of thought and made a painful decision that she believed was in her best interest.”
“How? Didn’t I count for anything?”
“Of course, you did. You were her best friend.”
“Then how could she do that? I never would’ve done such a thing to her. I cared about her too much to ever treat her that way.”
“Socially, you two were entering a new world, and something about that world scared her. But apparently, right from the start, she was offered a chance to be with an in-crowd. Automatic acceptance, adoration, envy. Parties, cheerleading, and so on. That meant being put on a pedestal from which she was safe from all of the things she feared. If this group rejected you as her potential boyfriend and they imposed some set of standards on her, she didn’t have the inner strength to throw away all of that security and face her fears with just you to support her from a distance. Have you tried looking at things from her point of view?”
“I thought I had.” Deron shifted uncomfortably in his chair, thinking. “But I guess I really didn’t. I never thought of her as being afraid of anything. It kinda makes sense when I look at it that way. I mean, it’s still fucked up, what she did and all, but I can kinda see it differently.”
“Most people learn to mask their fears, and when we don’t factor them in to our considerations, much of their motivations seem mysterious. We try to understand why people do things based on what we see on the outside, and from our own different viewpoint. But it’s what we don’t see, the things that people hide that can be their strongest motivating factors. Fear is viewed as a weakness, so we all hide it.”
“But why would she be so afraid? It doesn’t make sense.”
“That probably has a lot to do with her family and possibly a lack of love and grounding, but that’s a deep subject for another day.”
Deron was surprised to find that he actually liked talking with Gerald. He even thought he might miss him.
Thirty-three
Drake had already felt that the situation with the prostitute was ruined by her comment about time ticking away, but then it got worse when he walked into his room and found her lying on his bed with her clothes off already.
How sexy is that? Oh yeah, this isn’t a date. This is an appointment. What was I thinking?
When she saw Drake, she smiled and patted the sheet beside her. He wasn’t feeling at all in the mood for sex now, but he thought maybe the mood would develop if he went through the motions. He actually wanted to ask her if it was too late to cancel, but with her lying there naked, he assumed that would be a stupid question. Plus, what kind of douche-bag would she think he was if he did that? He didn’t want some common whore looking down on him.
He took off his clothes without fanfare and lay on the bed next to her.
“So, what’s your name?”
“Trixie.”
“Really? I guess you guys have to use a fake name for security, right?”
“If I tell you my real name, will you promise not to tell anyone?”
Who the fuck would I tell? “Okay. I promise.”
“My real name is Sabrina.”
“That’s much nicer. It doesn’t sound like such a…” He was going to say “whore name,” then stopped himself. “Doesn’t sound like such a fake name. I like it.”
“Thanks! Are you ready? Is there anything you need me to do to get you… prepared?” She glanced down at his flaccid penis, then looked back up at him and smiled.
“Um… no, I just like to kinda get to know someone first. Ya know?”
“Sure. What would you like to know?”
Not like that, he thought. Not like a fucking formality. Couldn’t she even pretend to have a real conversation?
“Do you wanna know where I’m from, and what a girl like me is doing in a job like this?”
She wasn’t actually trying to be flippant and insulting, but Drake didn’t know that and he got angry at her. He got up and straddled her and roughly grabbed one of her breasts and squeezed it hard.
“Hey! Take it easy. I don’t do rough stuff.”
He leaned down to try to kiss her and she turned her head.
“Do you think you’re too good for me or somethin’?”
“Just get off of me. I’m cancelling this appointment.”
“Oh no you’re not! I’m gonna get what I paid for.”
“You didn’t pay for shit, asshole. And I don’t put up with creeps who get rough. Especially welfare cases.”
Drake tried to slap her but she blocked him with one hand and brought her other hand toward him in a blur of motion and jabbed his chest with something black.
When he woke up later, he saw the two marks left on his skin by her taser.
***
When Michelle saw the small boutique called Sara’s Vintage Clothing, she decided to check it out, partly just to cool down after walking in the sun for so long, and she still needed some new clothes. The sun was beginning to set, but the temperature was still in the 80s and air-conditioning would feel great.
She’d never seen this place before but was intrigued by the idea of vintage clothing and wondered how far back it went. She heard a real bell jingle as she opened the door and she smiled. Vintage security. Then she stood still and let the cool air wash over her.
“You look like you could use some cold water.”
Michelle turned toward the voice and saw a lady behind a counter sitting on a tall cushioned stool. She had long grey hair in braids that hung down on the sides of her face and a friendly smile.
“That would be great. Thank you so much.”
As Michelle walked over to the counter, the lady got off her stool, ducked down out of view, then popped back up with a cold bottle of water which she placed on the counter top. Michelle opened the bottle, thanked the lady again, then looked around her as she took a long drink, feeling the coldness travel down her throat and come to rest in her stomach.
She’d never seen clothes like these except for in movies. Everywhere she looked she saw explosions of colors. She was really glad that she’d come in.
“These clothes are amazing! Where do you get them?”
“A few I pick up from estate sales. The rest, I make myself. I’m Sara, by the way.”
“Hi Sara. I’m Michelle. It’s nice to meet you. You must be the one on the sign.”
“That’s me. In the flesh!”
“And you make these clothes yourself?”
“Most of them, yes. I’m tickled that you like them so much. If there were more like you, I wouldn’t have to close down.”
“Oh no! Really? But I just found you, and I love your stuff.” Michelle put the bottle down and drifted to the nearest display, lifting a sleeve from a deep purple top and admiring the feel of the texture. “This is beautiful.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. And I mean that. You’re very sweet. Maybe if you share your enthusiasm with your friends, I might be able to keep this place running a little longer. I don’t even make new stuff anymore since I’m not selling what I’ve got. Do you think your friends would like my clothes?”
“That’s actually why I’m here. We totally disagree on clothing styles, and I don’t want to dress like them anymore. In fact, they’re not even going to be my friends anymore. I’m going to try to make new ones.”
“That sounds like a positive attitude. I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work with your old friends though. What style of clothes are they into?”
“The slutty kind. And I don’t mean ‘sexy,’ I mean like totally trashy. They dress like prostitutes.”
“That’s a very popular style today,” Sara said with a small shake of her head. “But styles come and go, and this one will fade out too, eventually.”
“I wonder. It seems like the only thing that can come next is everyone just going around naked. Without any paint even.”
Sara burst out in unexpected laughter. Michelle found herse
lf laughing too. She hadn’t meant to be funny though. She was serious.
“I know what you mean, dear. People are getting a bit overboard with their sexuality and they’re overly focused on their appearance. It’s nothing new of course, but I don’t know if there’s ever been a time like this exactly. Sexuality should be one of many aspects to a woman’s attractiveness, not the sole focus.”
Michelle nodded. “That’s kind of how I feel. I like feeling attractive, but geez, I’d also like to be looked at like I’m a person too. You know?”
“Yes, I do. People are putting the greatest value on the least valuable part of you – the exterior, that honestly, when you think about it, has very little to do with who you are. It’s just your genetic makeup that gives you your appearance. A lucky roll of the DNA dice.”
“Hmm,” Michelle said, thinking for a minute about what Sara had said. “You’re right. I didn’t make me look the way I do. I can only take credit for how I fix my hair and how I style my makeup and stuff, but I was born with my face and body.”
“That’s right,” Sara replied. “And yet everyone looks at you on the outside as if your appearance was some kind of personal accomplishment, or a sign of your inner quality. Then they judge what kind of a person they think you are before they’ve even gotten to know you. And since people do that, we try to make our outside more and more appealing, thus obscuring who we really are even more. And so it goes.”
“Well, I think it’s stupid, and I’m not going to be a part of it anymore,” Michelle declared proudly and defiantly.
“Good for you! I wish more people thought the way you do.”
“Cuz you’d make more money?” Michelle teased.
“Yes, but also because the world would be more sane and relationships would be based on something real. As it is now, they’re based entirely on sexual attraction, which is just silly. You don’t have a relationship with a body. You have it with a soul and a mind.”
Michelle found herself wishing that Sara was her own age. She would love to have a friend she could talk with like this.
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