by Richard Ford
He looked completely around the room, as if in meditation, his eyes roving in their own distance. Then he pressed his lips firmly and yet shyly together, and with the dogs ahead of him this time, he lowered his head and strode out. The hard earth sounded, cupping to his powerful way of walking—almost a stagger.
Mischievously, at the suggestion of those sounds, Bowman’s heart leapt again. It seemed to walk about inside him.
“Sonny’s goin’ to do it,” the woman said. She said it again, singing it almost, like a song. She was sitting in her place by the hearth.
Without looking out, he heard some shouts and the dogs barking and the pounding of hoofs in short runs on the hill. In a few minutes Sonny passed under the window with a rope, and there was a brown mule with quivering, shining, purple-looking ears. The mule actually looked in the window. Under its eyelashes it turned target-like eyes into his. Bowman averted his head and saw the woman looking serenely back at the mule, with only satisfaction in her face.
She sang a little more, under her breath. It occurred to him, and it seemed quite marvelous, that she was not really talking to him, but rather following the thing that came about with words that were unconscious and part of her looking.
So he said nothing, and this time when he did not reply he felt a curious and strong emotion, not fear, rise up in him.
This time, when his heart leapt, something—his soul—seemed to leap too, like a little colt invited out of a pen. He stared at the woman while the frantic nimbleness of his feeling made his head sway. He could not move; there was nothing he could do, unless perhaps he might embrace this woman who sat there growing old and shapeless before him.
But he wanted to leap up, to say to her, I have been sick and I found out then, only then, how lonely I am. Is it too late? My heart puts up a struggle inside me, and you may have heard it, protesting against emptiness. . . . It should be full, he would rush on to tell her, thinking of his heart now as a deep lake, it should be holding love like other hearts. It should be flooded with love. There would be a warm spring day. . . . Come and stand in my heart, whoever you are, and a whole river would cover your feet and rise higher and take your knees in whirlpools, and draw you down to itself, your whole body, your heart too.
But he moved a trembling hand across his eyes, and looked at the placid crouching woman across the room. She was still as a statue. He felt ashamed and exhausted by the thought that he might, in one more moment, have tried by simple words and embraces to communicate some strange thing—something which seemed always to have just escaped him. . . .
Sunlight touched the furthest pot on the hearth. It was late afternoon. This time tomorrow he would be somewhere on a good graveled road, driving his car past things that happened to people, quicker than their happening. Seeing ahead to the next day, he was glad, and knew that this was no time to embrace an old woman. He could feel in his pounding temples the readying of his blood for motion and for hurrying away.
“Sonny’s hitched up your car by now,” said the woman. “He’ll git it out the ravine right shortly.”
“Fine!” he cried with his customary enthusiasm.
Yet it seemed a long time that they waited. It began to get dark. Bowman was cramped in his chair. Any man should know enough to get up and walk around while he waited. There was something like guilt in such stillness and silence.
But instead of getting up, he listened. . . . His breathing restrained, his eyes powerless in the growing dark, he listened uneasily for a warning sound, forgetting in wariness what it would be. Before long he heard something—soft, continuous, insinuating.
“What’s that noise?” he asked, his voice jumping into the dark. Then wildly he was afraid it would be his heart beating so plainly in the quiet room, and she would tell him so.
“You might hear the stream,” she said grudgingly.
Her voice was closer. She was standing by the table. He wondered why she did not light the lamp. She stood there in the dark and did not light it.
Bowman would never speak to her now, for the time was past. I’ll sleep in the dark, he thought, in his bewilderment pitying himself.
Heavily she moved on to the window. Her arm, vaguely white, rose straight from her full side and she pointed out into the darkness.
“That white speck’s Sonny,” she said, talking to herself.
He turned unwillingly and peered over her shoulder; he hesitated to rise and stand beside her. His eyes searched the dusky air. The white speck floated smoothly toward her finger, like a leaf on a river, growing whiter in the dark. It was as if she had shown him something secret, part of her life, but had offered no explanation. He looked away. He was moved almost to tears, feeling for no reason that she had made a silent declaration equivalent to his own. His hand waited upon his chest.
Then a step shook the house, and Sonny was in the room. Bowman felt how the woman left him there and went to the other man’s side.
“I done got your car out, mister,” said Sonny’s voice in the dark. “She’s settin’ a-waitin’ in the road, turned to go back where she come from.”
“Fine!” said Bowman, projecting his own voice to loudness. “I’m surely much obliged—I could never have done it myself—I was sick. . . .”
“I could do it easy,” said Sonny.
Bowman could feel them both waiting in the dark, and he could hear the dogs panting out in the yard, waiting to bark when he should go. He felt strangely helpless and resentful. Now that he could go, he longed to stay. Of what was he being deprived? His chest was rudely shaken by the violence of his heart. These people cherished something here that he could not see, they withheld some ancient promise of food and warmth and light. Between them they had a conspiracy. He thought of the way she had moved away from him and gone to Sonny, she had flowed toward him. He was shaking with cold, he was tired, and it was not fair. Humbly and yet angrily he stuck his hand into his pocket.
“Of course I’m going to pay you for everything—”
“We don’t take money for such,” said Sonny’s voice belligerently.
“I want to pay. But do something more. . . . Let me stay—tonight. . . .” He took another step toward them. If only they could see him, they would know his sincerity, his real need! His voice went on, “I’m not very strong yet, I’m not able to walk far, even back to my car, maybe, I don’t know—I don’t know exactly where I am—”
He stopped. He felt as if he might burst into tears. What would they think of him!
Sonny came over and put his hands on him. Bowman felt them pass (they were professional too) across his chest, over his hips. He could feel Sonny’s eyes upon him in the dark.
“You ain’t no revenuer come sneakin’ here, mister, ain’t got no gun?”
To this end of nowhere! And yet he had come. He made a grave answer. “No.”
“You can stay.”
“Sonny,” said the woman, “you’ll have to borry some fire.”
“I’ll go git it from Redmond’s,” said Sonny.
“What?” Bowman strained to hear their words to each other.
“Our fire, it’s out, and Sonny’s got to borry some, because it’s dark an’ cold,” she said.
“But matches—I have matches—”
“We don’t have no need for ’em,” she said proudly. “Sonny’s goin’ after his own fire.”
“I’m goin’ to Redmond’s,” said Sonny with an air of importance, and he went out.
After they had waited a while, Bowman looked out the window and saw a light moving over the hill. It spread itself out like a little fan. It zigzagged along the field, darting and swift, not like Sonny at all. . . . Soon enough, Sonny staggered in, holding a burning stick behind him in tongs, fire flowing in his wake, blazing light into the corners of the room.
“We’ll make a fire now,” the woman said, taking the brand.
When that was done she lit the lamp. It showed its dark and light. The whole room turned golden-yellow like some sort of flo
wer, and the walls smelled of it and seemed to tremble with the quiet rushing of the fire and the waving of the burning lampwick in its funnel of light.
The woman moved among the iron pots. With the tongs she dropped hot coals on top of the iron lids. They made a set of soft vibrations, like the sound of a bell far away.
She looked up and over at Bowman, but he could not answer. He was trembling. . . .
“Have a drink, mister?” Sonny asked. He had brought in a chair from the other room and sat astride it with his folded arms across the back. Now we are all visible to one another, Bowman thought, and cried, “Yes sir, you bet, thanks!”
“Come after me and do just what I do,” said Sonny.
It was another excursion into the dark. They went through the hall, out to the back of the house, past a shed and a hooded well. They came to a wilderness of thicket.
“Down on your knees,” said Sonny.
“What?” Sweat broke out on his forehead.
He understood when Sonny began to crawl through a sort of tunnel that the bushes made over the ground. He followed, startled in spite of himself when a twig or a thorn touched him gently without making a sound, clinging to him and finally letting him go.
Sonny stopped crawling and, crouched on his knees, began to dig with both his hands into the dirt. Bowman shyly struck matches and made a light. In a few minutes Sonny pulled up a jug. He poured out some of the whisky into a bottle from his coat pocket, and buried the jug again. “You never know who’s liable to knock at your door,” he said, and laughed. “Start back,” he said, almost formally. “Ain’t no need for us to drink outdoors, like hogs.”
At the table by the fire, sitting opposite each other in their chairs, Sonny and Bowman took drinks out of the bottle, passing it across. The dogs slept; one of them was having a dream.
“This is good,” said Bowman. “This is what I needed.” It was just as though he were drinking the fire off the hearth.
“He makes it,” said the woman with quiet pride.
She was pushing the coals off the pots, and the smells of corn bread and coffee circled the room. She set everything on the table before the men, with a bone-handled knife stuck into one of the potatoes, splitting out its golden fiber. Then she stood for a minute looking at them, tall and full above them where they sat. She leaned a little toward them.
“You all can eat now,” she said, and suddenly smiled.
Bowman had just happened to be looking at her. He set his cup back on the table in unbelieving protest. A pain pressed at his eyes. He saw that she was not an old woman. She was young, still young. He could think of no number of years for her. She was the same age as Sonny, and she belonged to him. She stood with the deep dark corner of the room behind her, the shifting yellow light scattering over her head and her gray formless dress, trembling over her tall body when it bent over them in its sudden communication. She was young. Her teeth were shining and her eyes glowed. She turned and walked slowly and heavily out of the room, and he heard her sit down on the cot and then lie down. The pattern on the quilt moved.
“She’s goin’ to have a baby,” said Sonny, popping a bite into his mouth.
Bowman could not speak. He was shocked with knowing what was really in this house. A marriage, a fruitful marriage. That simple thing. Anyone could have had that.
Somehow he felt unable to be indignant or protest, although some sort of joke had certainly been played upon him. There was nothing remote or mysterious here—only something private. The only secret was the ancient communication between two people. But the memory of the woman’s waiting silently by the cold hearth, of the man’s stubborn journey a mile away to get fire, and how they finally brought out their food and drink and filled the room proudly with all they had to show, was suddenly too clear and too enormous within him for response. . . .
“You ain’t as hungry as you look,” said Sonny.
The woman came out of the bedroom as soon as the men had finished, and ate her supper while her husband stared peacefully into the fire.
Then they put the dogs out, with the food that was left.
“I think I’d better sleep here by the fire, on the floor,” said Bowman.
He felt that he had been cheated, and that he could afford now to be generous. Ill though he was, he was not going to ask them for their bed. He was through with asking favors in this house, now that he understood what was there.
“Sure, mister.”
But he had not known yet how slowly he understood. They had not meant to give him their bed. After a little interval they both rose and looking at him gravely went into the other room.
He lay stretched by the fire until it grew low and dying. He watched every tongue of blaze lick out and vanish. “There will be special reduced prices on all footwear during the month of January,” he found himself repeating quietly, and then he lay with his lips tight shut.
How many noises the night had! He heard the stream running, the fire dying, and he was sure now that he heard his heart beating, too, the sound it made under his ribs. He heard breathing, round and deep, of the man and his wife in the room across the passage. And that was all. But emotion swelled patiently within him, and he wished that the child were his.
He must get back to where he had been before. He stood weakly before the red coals and put on his overcoat. It felt too heavy on his shoulders. As he started out he looked and saw that the woman had never got through with cleaning the lamp. On some impulse he put all the money from his billfold under its fluted glass base, almost ostentatiously.
Ashamed, shrugging a little, and then shivering, he took his bags and went out. The cold of the air seemed to lift him bodily. The moon was in the sky.
On the slope he began to run, he could not help it. Just as he reached the road, where his car seemed to sit in the moonlight like a boat, his heart began to give off tremendous explosions like a rifle, bang bang bang.
He sank in fright onto the road, his bags falling about him. He felt as if all this had happened before. He covered his heart with both hands to keep anyone from hearing the noise it made.
But nobody heard it.
Tobias Wolff
THE DEPOSITION
The witness was playing hard to get. Statements he had made earlier to his girlfriend, another nurse, statements crucial to Burke’s case, the witness now declined to repeat under oath. He claimed not to remember just what he’d said, or even to recall clearly the episode in question: an instance of surgical haste and sloppiness amounting to malpractice. As the result of a routine procedure—removal of a ganglion cyst—outrageously, indefensibly botched, Burke’s client had lost the fine motor skills of her left hand. She’d worked the reservations desk at a car-rental office: what was to become of a fifty-eight-year-old booking agent who could no longer use a keyboard?
Burke decided to ask for a breather. He’d flown out from San Francisco only the day before to take this deposition in person. He was still ragged from the unpleasant journey: delayed departure from SFO, a run through Dulles to make his puddle jumper to Albany, then the poky drive upriver to New Delft. Long trip, sleepless night. He’d shown some temper at the witness’s forgetfulness, and the witness had in turn become sullen and grudging, the last thing Burke wanted. He hoped that a little time off would cool things down and allow the man’s conscience to help out his memory, if he was still open to such influences. Burke suspected that he was.
Witness’s counsel agreed to the break: forty-five minutes. Burke turned down the offer of cake and coffee in favor of a brisk walk. He left the building, a Federalist mansion converted to law offices, and started down the hill toward the river. It was a fine October afternoon, warm and golden, trees ablaze, air dense with the must of fallen leaves. That smell, the honeyed light . . . Burke faltered in his march, subdued by the memory of days like this in the Ohio town where he’d grown up. There was that one Indian summer, his junior year in high school, when day after day, flooded with desire, shaking with it, he
’d hurried to an older girl’s house to glory in her boldness for a mad hour before her mother got home from work. Julie Rose. The hourglass birthmark on her throat . . . he could still see it, and the filmy curtains fluttering at her bedroom window, the brilliance of the leaves stirring in the warm breeze.
But what crap! Wallowing in nostalgia for a place he’d come to despise and dreamed only of escaping.
The river was farther than Burke had thought. He was a big bull-shouldered man who struggled to trim his bulk with diets and exercise, but he’d been putting in long hours lately, eating on the fly and missing his workouts; even this easy jaunt was making him sweat. He loosened his tie. When he reached the bottom of the hill he took off his suit jacket and flung it over his shoulder.
Burke had hoped to find a path beside the river, but the way was barred by a pair of factory buildings that loomed along the bank behind padlocked chain-link fences. The factories were derelict, bricks fallen from the walls, all but the highest windows broken: these glittered gaily in the late sunshine. Splintered pallets lay here and there across the weed-cracked asphalt of the factory yards. He examined this scene with sour recognition before turning away.
Burke followed the fence a few hundred yards and then circled back uphill on what appeared to be a commercial street. A cloying, briny smell poured from the open door of a Chinese takeout, a half-eaten plate of noodles surrounded by soy-sauce packets on the single table inside. The bespectacled woman at the counter looked up from her newspaper to meet his gaze. He looked away and walked on, past an old movie theater with empty poster casings and a blank marquee: a dog-grooming salon, its windows filled with faded snapshots of a man with orange hair grinning over various pooches made ridiculous by his labors: past a five-and-dime converted to a Goodwill, and a tailor shop with a closed sign in the window. On the corner stood an abandoned Mobil station, windows boarded over, the pumps long gone.