by Gia Riley
“There’s no magic eight ball that can predict the future. But you guys are adorable together. Honestly, I think he’s just as lucky to have you. Enjoy spending time with him and don’t hold yourself back because you’re scared. But if things do get more serious than they already are, you should have this conversation with him. Let him know where you stand. And maybe the other guys didn’t work out because they weren’t who you were supposed to be with.”
“I can do that. Are you going to take your own advice?” She cuddles back down under the covers of her bed.
“Well played, Cara. But probably not. I haven’t had the best history either.” Of course I’d love nothing more than to kiss Kipton repeatedly, but as soon as I’m healed, I’ll be in the gym on a full time basis. There won’t be time for movies under the stars, dinner dates and cuddle sessions. That’s what worries me.
“So you’re never going to make out with my brother again? Even after how happy it made you?”
“I never said that.” I take another sip of my water and clear my throat. It still hurts from making myself sick. “Gymnastics, Cara, it always gets in the way, but that’s what’s most important to me. Guys come and go, but the sport is my one constant.” I refocus on my phone, hoping she takes the hint that I don’t like talking about this.
“Were you burned in the past?”
Okay, definitely not getting any work done. I get up and move to my own bed, placing some distance in between the two of us so I can express what I need to say. I’m not about to sit around the campfire singing Kumbaya while hashing out my past, but I owe her an answer.
“Maybe. But there hasn’t been a guy worth my time either. I opened up my heart once and all I got out of that was used and tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. So, maybe I am jaded, but I’ve never been around a relationship that stood the test of time either. My dad was a fuck up; my first boyfriend took what he wanted and moved on. I have nothing to go on. It’s easier to focus on what’s important and put my heart into my gymnastics dream instead of someone else’s hands—nobody’s ever taken care of it. I have to build my own life, for me. If someone ends up joining me for the ride, awesome. But if it doesn’t happen, I’m okay with that too. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I have my own goals and ambitions.”
Cara blinks her eyes, seeming somewhat surprised by my honest answer. “I’m sorry, Sophie. I had no idea.”
“Don’t be, I’m not. It is what it is.”
“Can I ask you about your dream?”
“I guess.” There’s honestly not much to tell. It’s a pretty cut and dry plan I’ve mapped out for myself. “What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about it.” She rolls over onto her stomach and rests her chin in her hands taking great interest in any details I’m about to tell her.
“All I want is to be the best gymnast I can be, to get good grades and land my dream job. That’s it. I’ve never imagined a husband or kids in my future. I know what I want and what I have to do to get it. That doesn’t mean I won’t have a little fun along the way.”
“You honestly don’t want a family?”
“I have my Mom now that my Dad’s gone. That’s good enough for me.”
She stares at me, probably wondering what to say without telling me I’m a selfish bitch. “You deserve so much more than that, Sophie. You’re amazing and I’m not saying you’re gonna marry the first guy you decide to date, but Kipton cares about you. I’ve seen the look in his eyes when he’s around you. The night you were sick and passed out in his bed, I’ve never seen him like that.”
“Maybe so, but it still doesn’t change what I want out of life. History’s been known to repeat itself and I don’t ever want to live in hell again. People change over time, Cara. In fact, times usually not on our side at all. It does crazy things to our minds and makes us hurt the people we’re supposed to love. So, no. I don’t really want to be with someone who has the potential to hurt me.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that, Sophie. It doesn’t have to be only gymnastics and work. You deserve to be loved because I know you have the potential to be someone’s forever. I promise you there’s a way to still be independent without being alone.” She walks over and hugs me. I return it, sensing she needs the comfort more than I do. Without knowing my history, she’ll never understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay—it’s bad enough I have to relive it in my dreams.
“Will you tell me what happened with your first boyfriend?”
I scoot over on my bed so she can sit down with me. “There’s not much to tell. He was a year older than I was and moved into the same development that I’ve lived in all my life. He had a similar situation as I did, with his parents going through a divorce. Neither of us wanted to be in our houses most of the time because of all the fighting, so we would go for runs. Thankfully, I was at gymnastics during most of my free time—maybe that’s why I’m so attached to it. It was my saving grace when I had nothing else to turn to. Anyway, as I was running by his house one day, he joined me. At first I was nervous about this random guy being in my personal space, but he was easy to talk to.”
Cara’s listening intently, hanging on my every word.
“For a while, I felt like he was all I had. So, of course, I wanted to please him. I couldn’t make my parents happy or love each other, but I could control the way he felt about me. It’s lame, I know that now. But when you’re seventeen and desperate for affection and attention, you do stupid things.”
I fiddle with the tag on the pillow I’m clutching in my lap. Cara reaches over and holds my hand. “You don’t have to tell me more if it’s too hard?”
I nod my head that I do. “Each night, he would sneak into my bedroom after my mom was asleep. Most nights, my dad would take off only to return sometime in the morning to get ready for work. But I always made sure Blaine was gone before the bar closed, just in case my dad came home drunk off his ass and looking for drama. Eventually, my dad stopped coming home altogether and I didn’t have to worry about Blaine being there. Things moved faster once that happened.”
“I’m sorry,” Cara says.
“Don’t be. All you can control is yourself. I’m still learning that.”
“You don’t have to continue if it’s too much.”
“It’s okay. I’ve never told anyone all of this, but I trust you.” Cara squeezes my hand again and sadly smiles given the circumstances. “One night, Blaine came over and the usual kissing progressed to more. I was scared, but he had this way of making it seem like I owed him things. Of course it wasn’t the case, but he knew how desperate I was for affection. Not physical either, just in the general sense of the word. I would have been fine with a casual friendship, but it wasn’t enough for Blaine. Little by little, he took things farther assuring me he loved me. It had been so long since I heard those words from anyone; I wasn’t sure how to process them. The only way I knew how to show him I loved him was to let him have all of me. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him in return—for him to know I was his. Of course he said all the right things at the right times and I figured my uneasiness was coming from inexperience and not his feelings for me.
Assuming we were officially together considering we had sex and all, I was shocked when I saw him at school kissing another girl at her locker. The very next day, Cara. He didn’t even pretend to hide it either. He came to my window every night for a week begging for me to let him inside. Eventually, I let him convince me his weak moment was a mistake and that it would never happen again. He had a way with words.
Our relationship continued in my room each night, but over time, it was more about sex than anything. Now that he had me, he didn’t say sweet things to me anymore. There was never cuddling, long talks about our future, or plans together. It was purely physical. And when he had his fill, he would leave me alone to fall asleep in a puddle of tears. I tried to bring back the affectionate Blaine I fell for, but it only made him angry. Really angry.”
One blink is all it takes to bring the tears back. “Yes.” I wipe my tears and continue—my voice shaky from the emotion of retelling the story. “There was no way I could love him or trust him anymore, Cara. He was exactly like my Dad. A liar, a cheat, and a fake.”
“Did your Dad hit you too, Sophie?”
“No. Only Blaine. My Dad was all verbal abuse, years and years of it. Not that it makes it any better.”
Cara leans over and hugs me tightly. “Sophie, I’m so sorry. You’re worth so much more than the way they treated you. You have to believe that.”
“I’d like to believe I’m worthy of someone’s love, Cara. But the two guys I’ve looked up to both let me down. My Dad never loved me and made it very clear he didn’t want me. Blaine was only pretending to be in love with me in order to get what he wanted physically. And once he did, he turned into a monster. I never saw it coming either, so it hurt even more. Especially after he knew what I was dealing with at home.”
“He’s an ass, Sophie. I hate him. Why would he do that to you?”
“I have no idea, but maybe that’s why he picked me. He knew how fucked up I already was.”
“How did it end?”
I manically laugh. “Gymnastics of all places. It’s saved my life on so many levels. My coach noticed bruises on my arms and legs. There’s not much you can hide in a leotard. But all it took was one call to the authorities and it was over. One call, Cara, that I didn’t have the nerve to make myself.”
“None of it is your fault, Sophie. Please believe that. You’re a survivor, a fighter.”
“Pizza time, ladies!” Drew announces before he’s even fully into the room. “Oh, did I interrupt?”
Cara releases me from her embrace, winking at me while doing so. She’s up to something.
“You did, but we’re willing to let you in on it if you shut the door,” she playfully tells him. His eyes gleam with excitement. He leans against the door, shutting it with his body instead of his hands. His eyes haven’t strayed from Cara’s once. “Good boy.”
Drew shakes his head yes and waits for his next command. “Kiss me, Drew.” Without a second thought, he walks over to her and picks her up. She straddles his waist with her legs and spins around to pin her up against the closet door. As much as I’m wondering how long she’s going to let this charade play out, I clear my throat to remind them I’m still sitting here. Cara giggles and lets her legs fall from his waist to the floor. “I’m sorry, Sophie. How could we leave you out? Drew, I want you to kiss Sophie now.”
Frozen in place, he hesitates to move. Briefly, he looks at me before turning his attention back to Cara. It takes all I have not to bust out laughing. Cara cuddles up to his side and runs her hands under his shirt. “Don’t you want to make us both happy, Drew?”
“Um. Uh. But doesn’t she have Kipton? I mean I don’t want to get my ass kicked. He already found me with you, Cara. What if he shows up and sees the three of us?”
“So you don’t want to play?” Cara whines like a spoiled child who isn’t about to get her way. She’s a fabulous actress. I’ll give her that.
“I was just hoping for pizza, but I’m down with whatever will make you happy.”
Cara can’t hold a straight face any longer and snorts. “Good answer.” She jumps into his arms again and kisses him senseless. He responds with a deep moan to which I ignore and grab my purse.
I clutch the straps in my hand and smack it against Drew’s back to hurry them along. “Let’s get some pizza, guys. You can have your tryst afterwards.”
Drew looks somewhat disappointed although relieved. “You two are evil. But if you can promise I won’t get my ass beat, I’m still game.”
“We’ll keep that in mind for a rainy day,” I assure him.
“Hell yeah!” It doesn’t take much to excite him.
“Go grab an elevator, babe. We’ll catch up, okay?” Cara kisses him one last time and sends him on his way while I lock up. She waits until I’m finished before speaking. “I want you to know you’re not fucked up, Sophie. You’re the most beautiful, selfless person I’ve ever met. I know we’ve only known each other a short time, but I mean it. You were dealt a shitty hand so far, but it can only get better. Give my brother a real shot. Let love in, Sophie. I promise you won’t regret it this time.”
I give her a hug, appreciative of her heartfelt words. “I’ll try my best, Cara. Thanks for listening. I didn’t mean to drown you with all the heavy stuff today.”
“You drown me any day of the week. I’m here. Always.”
“Thanks, Cara.”
I’d love to believe Kipton is different because I’m not sure I can handle it if he’s not. Casual with him will work. It’s the serious I’m afraid of because I won’t survive another failure. My heart can only be broken so many times before it turns to dust.
I ARRIVE AT JOHNSON HALL early, hoping the talk with Drew is quick so I don’t have to waste any more time before seeing Sophie. Not even bothering to wait the few seconds for the elevator, I take the stairs to the third floor. As I exit the stairwell, I catch a glimpse of Sophie walking toward her room. Cara and Drew playfully punch each other as they walk in the opposite direction toward his room. Hopefully they’ll be fully clothed by the time I get there. After the walk by sexing, I don’t think I can handle much more.
Before I can catch up to Sophie, she stops in the bathroom. Knowing I won’t be able to concentrate on a word Drew says if I don’t see her first, I anxiously wait for her in the hallway. I take out my phone, going through some texts but only bothering to respond to the important ones. A few more minutes pass before I hear the sound of someone gagging painfully. Worried it’s Sophie, I sneak inside to check on her. Knocking on the door softly so I don’t scare her, I wait for her to speak. But she doesn’t. “Sophie, are you okay?”
There’s no response other than another round of gagging and vomiting. “Sophie? Can you answer me so I know you’re okay.”
Through labored breaths, she finally responds to me. “Leave me alone. I’m okay”
Her tone is harsher than normal, but there’s still no way I’m leaving her. “Open the door, beautiful.”
“Can you go wait for me in my room, please? Here.” Without bothering to wait for my response, her keys sail over the top of the stall door landing on the tile floor instead of in my hand. When I bend down to pick them up, I spot her crouched in the corner by the toilet. Her right hand’s dangling by her side, trembling ever so slightly. The left is cradling her forehead.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Something’s wrong and I don’t like it.
I hear her sniffle and I can’t fucking take it. Placing my hand on top of the metal stall door, I yank it open in one swift motion, dislodging the small silver lock from its anchor. In shock, Sophie screams and covers her head with her hands. “Kipton! I said I’m fine. You can’t be in here!”
I crouch down to her level. “You don’t look fine, Sophie. You’re shaking.”
“It’s just my stomach. I promise it’s not a big deal.”
“Did you eat dinner?” I rub my thumb back and forth over the top of her hand.
She nods her head, yes. “We went for pizza.”
“Come on, I’ll walk you to your room. Unless you want me to take you to see a doctor.” I stand up, reaching out my hand for her to take, but she doesn’t move from her crouched position.
“I’m fine. Please go. I don’t want you see me like this. Don’t you have a meeting with Drew?”
“Sophie, I don’t want to leave you by yourself. Drew can wait.” She flushes the toilet and brushes past me. As she’s washing her hands, I walk up behind her pushing her silky hair away from the back of her neck. I lean down to place a small kiss behind her ear, but she tenses up and shrugs away from my touch. “Sophie. Don’t do this.”
“Do what? Wash my hands?” She reaches over and tears a paper towel from the roll. Drying her h
ands quickly, she tosses the paper in the trash before walking out on me.
I stand rooted in the middle of the girl’s bathroom staring blankly at the paper towel dispenser. What was that all about? Earlier today she was on my lap kissing me like her life depended on it and now she’s acting like I repulse her. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I hate that she’s acting so distant. As the shock of the last few minutes wears off, I exit the bathroom just in time to catch a glimpse of her door slamming shut.
Cara comes running around the corner, most likely on her way to find me. “Kippy! Drew’s in his room waiting for you. Hurry up.” She’s tugging on my arm, but I’m not in the mood to deal with her or Drew anymore.
“Can you tell him we need to reschedule. My plans changed. I have to go.”
She creases her brow, looking confused. “Why? Where’s Sophie?”
“In your room. I want to go talk to her, but I don’t think she wants me to. Here. She’s gonna need her keys back.” Numbly, I press the button on the elevator.
Cara puts her hand on my arm and squeezes lightly. “What happened? You’re acting weird.” Drew comes bounding around the corner in similar fashion, but pauses after seeing my defeated expression.
“I have no fucking clue. Things were fine when we left class this afternoon, but I saw her a minute ago and she acted like I have the damn plague. I mean she did throw up and all, but she wouldn’t even let me comfort her.”
“What do you mean?” Both Drew and Cara ask in unison.
“She wasn’t feeling good and she wouldn’t even let me touch her. Did she say anything about me at dinner?” The elevator door opens, but I let it pass and wait for the next one.
“Shit.” Cara says.
“What is it? Do you know something?”
“It’s not my place to say, Kippy. I’m sorry.”
“Cara, please. What’s going on? I’m not leaving until you tell me something.”
“Fine. Basically she mentioned something about focusing on gymnastics and how she doesn’t have time to date. From what she told me this afternoon, she has a shitty past and has no faith in the male species whatsoever. Her ex was a douche and her Dad wasn’t any better. Our talk must have gotten to her because she barely touched her dinner and was in her own little world during the conversation. I feel bad for asking her so many questions earlier. It’s obviously a sore subject for her. I mean, she doesn’t even want a husband or kids. Can you believe that?”