by Gia Riley
Since I’ve met him he’s caught every one of my tears. Today is no different as we lay in silence while he strokes my back and gives me the strength and warmth of his arms. His love runs deep and I’m blessed to have it.
SOPHIE’S BEEN DISTRACTED THE PAST couple weeks, paying more attention to the box on her desk than her school work. Not sleeping well, it shows in her mood. She’s saying and doing all the right things as far has her therapy goes, but she’s off. She’s spent so many years hating Dean, she’s having trouble with her mom and her real father added into the mix. Her anger was always specifically driven toward Dean whereas now it’s all over the place. She may never be able to forgive all of their faults, but my girl has a big heart and will come to terms when she’s ready.
Sophie and I are in a good place, but she hasn’t been staying at my place as much as I’ve wanted her to. Cara tells me she stays up until all hours of the night looking through her letters. I’ve talked to my parents about it and they assure me it’s all part of the healing process. Her emotions are scattered, all playing tricks on her sense of security. If it has to work itself out naturally, I pray it does it soon. Seeing her spirit suffer kills me inside.
It’s a little early for dinner, but rather than driving the whole way back home, I walked to the dorms after my workout. I’m careful to knock on the girls’ dorm room door, making sure I wait for the go ahead to enter so Cara doesn’t go ape shit on me again. When I don’t hear a response, I knock again and wait. I’m met with silence for the second time. I try to jiggle the door knob, but it’s locked. Pulling out my cell, I try calling Sophie. It rings and rings without a response, finally going to voicemail.
“Hey, gorgeous. I’m standing outside your room. Call me when you get this. I thought we had plans for dinner.” I hang up and sit down on the heater at the end of the hallway, deciding to call my sister. Maybe she’ll know where to find Sophie.
She picks up on the first ring. “Hi Kippy. What’s up?”
“Is Sophie with you?”
“No. She said she had dinner plans with you, so I’m going with Drew. Did you piss her off?”
“Not that I know of, but she isn’t answering the door or her phone.” I knock again, harder this time, in case she was asleep and didn’t hear me before. There’s still no response.
“She answer?” Cara asks.
“No. Nothing. You have no idea where she could be?”
“Calm down. I’m sure she ran a quick errand or got held up at the library. I shouldn’t tell you this, but there’s a spare key hidden underneath the heater in the hallway, the one you’re probably sitting on top of.”
I get down on my hands and knees and reach under the old metal heater. It takes a minute, but I find it. Thankfully it’s hidden well and nobody would ever spot it unless they knew it was there. It’s still not the safest thing for two girls to be doing though. “I got it. We’ll discuss the key after I find Sophie.”
“See, this is why I don’t tell you things. You get all worked up. It’s better than being locked out of your room in your damn towel and flip flops because you left your key inside your room.”
“Yeah, I get it, but we can come up with something safer I’m sure.” I stick the key in the lock and push the door open. My heart plummets to the floor. “Sophie!” I run over to her body, lying awkwardly on the shaggy rug in front of her closet door. “Baby, no. Wake up, Sophie!” I yell louder. I hang up on Cara and dial 911. Holding Sophie’s lifeless body in my arms, I rock back and forth on the floor as all signs of life appear lost on my beautiful girl.
With the direction of the dispatcher, I’m able to detect a faint pulse on her neck and I pray I’m not imagining it.
I turn around and the hallway is crowded with shocked expressions and tears. Everyone’s staring but nobody is helping. “Someone fucking get some help. Please!”
As I finish screaming, Cara and Drew come barreling in the room. Cara’s immediately on her knees next to Sophie, tears streaming down her cheeks. Drew’s on his phone with campus security rattling off instructions and information. I’m glad he’s here.
“What happened to her, Kippy?” Cara’s shaking, obviously in shock from the sight of her unconscious best friend.
“I don’t know Cara. I don’t fucking know.” I continue to hold her close to my body, keeping her warm. Cara grabs a blanket from her bed and lays it across the both of us. My hands are shaking as I brush my knuckle across her cheek. Shaking her I start to freak out when she still hasn’t woken up. “Sophie, please. Open your eyes. I need to see your beautiful eyes.” There’s no response from her.
After several excruciatingly long minutes, the paramedics arrive. They take her out of my arms, immediately hooking her up to machines and poking her with an IV. In what seems like seconds, they have her on the gurney with her neck and back stabilized. Moving down the hall, I follow after them, leaving the door to their room hanging wide open. “Where are you taking her?” When nobody answers me, I lose my cool and grab the arm of one of the medics. “Where are you fucking taking her?”
“Son, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”
“That’s my goddamn everything you have laying there. I’m not calming down until you tell me what’s going on. Why isn’t she awake?”
“Kipton, it’s okay man. Let them do their job,” Drew says as he puts his body in between me and the medic. “We can follow the ambulance to the hospital.”
“I want to go with her.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder, the other on my chest to hold me back. “They’re not gonna let you in the ambulance while you’re losing your shit.”
Realizing he’s right, I apologize to the medic I was harassing and follow them outside. Other students have filled the perimeter of the dorm to gawk at Sophie like she’s on display. I’m relieved they don’t have to take her all the way up the hill. Instead, they’ve already driven the ambulance around to the delivery entrance.
“You’re good?” Drew asks. “We’ll follow you in my car to the hospital, okay?”
“Yeah. Make sure my sister’s okay, Drew.”
“I will, man. She’s my number one.”
Climbing in the back of the ambulance, I can’t handle the site of Sophie lying helpless and unconscious. Praying to God my girl will wake up, the doors slam and I sit in silence, horrified that I wasn’t there to help her sooner.
“Kipton is it?” The medic asks.
“Yes, my name’s Kipton.”
“I’m going to need whatever information you can give me about her, okay?”
“Sure, yeah. Okay.” We hit a few bumps and I’m tossed around. Holding onto the side wall of the ambulance, I steady myself.
“Has she ever passed out before? Any previous conditions that could have caused this?”
“I don’t think she’s passed out before. She gets lightheaded sometimes.” He jots down my comments on the clipboard.
“Do you know any of her medical history? Anything we should know?”
“Shit, she had a concussion a few months back. She hit her head pretty bad. I know she’s been having migraines and getting dizzy still. But she said it was getting better each week. Could that be what caused this?”
“It could have, I can’t rule that out. But let’s let the doctors examine her before we jump to any conclusions. The important thing is that although she’s unconscious, her vitals are stable. That’s a great sign.”
Thank God for that.
“Is there anything else I should put on her paperwork, Kipton?”
“No. I don’t think so. She doesn’t take medicine for anything. But I’m not sure of her allergies. Shit, I should know that.” I run my hands through my hair, frustrated that I don’t know everything about the girl I love. I rest my head against the wall of the ambulance and close my eyes. I open them when I remember more. “She’s in therapy, too, because she throws up. Between the concussion and her past, she’s been having a hell of a time.” I ramble. He
adds my comments to her list and scans my face wearily making me even more nervous than I already am.
I can’t see out the window and each turn seems to be taking forever. “Are we soon there?”
“Yes, it won’t be more than a minute. You did well, Kipton. Thank you.”
“She’s not crazy,” I blurt out.
“I didn’t say she was. But the doctors will make sure she has everything she needs once she’s inside. After that, it’s up to her.”
I glance at Sophie, silently pleading with her to wake up; to open her eyes and show me she’s okay. But she doesn’t. Fight, beautiful.
Arriving outside the emergency room, I hop out of the ambulance the second the doors open. They pull Sophie alongside me and rush inside. I’m stopped before I make it to her room. “Young man, you’ll need to wait in the waiting area. The doctors will address you after they tend to her.”
“I don’t want to leave her,” I protest.
“I promise she will be okay. Have a seat and I’ll update you the second they give word about her condition.”
I’m pushed out and left staring at the rustling curtain divider. A nurse escorts me into the sterile waiting room. “Kippy, is she okay?” Cara rushes to my side and hangs on my arm. I wrap it around her needing the comfort as much as she does.
“I don’t know. She never woke up.” We sit in a couple uncomfortable chairs next to the vending machines. Drew sits Cara on his lap and holds her. The sight of them together makes me want Sophie.
“She’ll wake up, guys. She’s tough. Just give her a little time,” Drew adds.
“I called Mom, Kipton. She’s on her way.”
I’m surprised, but I shouldn’t be. My mom took to Sophie immediately. They have some kind of unspoken connection I don’t understand. “Thanks.”
The seconds and minutes multiply and I become restless. Pacing back and forth, I notice it’s dark outside—a much starker contrast from the sunshine of our arrival. It shouldn’t be taking this long. If she was okay, they would have come out by now.
“Kipton, honey.” I turn to the sound of my mom’s voice, thankful she’s here so I don’t have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders all alone.
“Mom.” I kiss her cheek and get lost in her hug like a lost little boy.
“Any word?”
I’m about to tell her no when we’re interrupted by a nurse. “Are you Sophie’s family?”
“Yes,” we reply in unison. The nurse gives us a warm smile.
“I’m Maura, from social work.” Social work? Where’s the damn nurse? I was called to Sophie’s case based on some information the medics were given on her way over. About her history. I was wondering if I could speak to you about those things in a more private area. Would that be okay?”
My mom speaks up. “We aren’t her blood relatives, I understand there are some privacy rules and regulations we wouldn’t want to cross.”
“Of course. She’s told me about her biological family and the circumstances. I’ve been given the okay to proceed speaking with you all. As long as you agree.”
Of course we agree. I’ll do anything to help her. “She’s awake? She’s okay?” I ask with hope.
“She’s doing better and awake. We’ve spent some time talking. But she was concerned about seeing you all.”
I don’t get it. “Why?”
“Sophie’s gone through several traumatic experiences in a very short amount of time. Her body and mind gave up earlier today. She was overwhelmed and exhausted. The combination of not sleeping, and not properly eating caused her to pass out. Her blood sugar plummeted. That in itself was serious but combined with her recent concussion; the fall she took as she lost consciousness was also a concern. She’s a brave young woman with one complicated past.”
“Will she be okay? There’s no permanent damage?” Mom asks.
“Nothing permanent physically, no. But mentally, she’s struggling. Her therapist has been effective, but I don’t think it’s enough, especially with all the outside distractions.”
I let mom handle the questions. My mind’s spinning. “What do you recommend for her?”
“I think she’d benefit from inpatient therapy in our Behavioral Health Center. Peer group counseling as well as individual. I’d also like her to meet with her biological family to work through her anger. She has your love and support as I can see, but she needs more.”
I stand up, not agreeing with the recommendation. “She’s not crazy. Do you have any idea the hell her family has put her through? I’m sorry, but she’s not going anywhere. She can move in with me.”
“Kipton,” Mom urges.
“No, Mom. They aren’t sticking her in a padded room like a prisoner. I’ll take her to therapy every day. To the woman she sees now.”
“Honey, she can’t live a full life if she’s not well enough to enjoy it—to fully experience it. Let’s help her find her joy again. She can’t keep holding onto the burden she’s carrying. Nobody can survive forever like that. You heard Maura, her body gave out on her today.”
“She’s been depressed and withdrawn, but she’s trying to sort out the letters from her Father and make sense of everything”
“Exactly Kipton. She needs help making sense of her world.”
It’s selfish, but what if she starts thinking I’m wrong for her too. It’s not about me. “Can I see her?”
Maura smiles warmly at me. “Of course you can. She’s being observed overnight in this department. If all is well tomorrow, they will discharge her to our care. While her therapy isn’t mandatory—meaning we can’t hold her against her will, we will recommend she remain for the duration. Having your support would make this transition easier for her to accept.”
I’m almost afraid to ask, but I do it anyway. “Does she know she’s going? Have you told her?”
She nods her head. “She knows.” I sigh in relief.
Sophie can be stubborn, but if she says she wants the help they’re offering, I’ll support her. “Can I see her now?”
“You can all follow me, but just one at a time in the room. She’s resting and I don’t want to overwhelm her.” We follow Maura without question. “Second door on the left.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll be at the front desk processing her paperwork. If you need anything push the call button in her room.”
“Okay.” Each step I take toward her, my heart rate kicks up another notch. I don’t understand my nervousness. She’s my Sophie.
The door to her room is halfway open so I nudge it with my forearm. I’m not prepared for what I see.
“WAKE UP, SOPHIE. I’M HERE.”
I hear Kipton’s voice and struggle to get to it. My body fights to pull me back into darkness, locking me inside my dream, but I fight back to open my eyes. The first thing I see are Kipton’s baby blues staring nervously into my own. I scared him.
My eyes were only closed for a short time, but the words from my sixteenth birthday letter are embedded into the backs of my eyelids. No matter how hard I try, each time I fall asleep, I see his words staring back at me. I’ve read each letter enough times to have memorized each endearment, each phrase of promise, and each signature.
“I’m sorry.”
“Shh. You’re okay, beautiful. Everything is going to be okay now.”
I glance around the room. Picking at the tape on my arm covering the IV, I flinch when I press too hard. The coolness from the medication seeps into my veins slowly, lessening my headache but not curing my pain. “This hurts.”
“It will help you feel better. You fell again.”
There are patches stuck to my chest with wires coming out of them. They itch and I disconnect one as I scratch at it. A machine goes wild, beeping erratically, just like my heart. I stare at it, unsure of its purpose, but afraid to move.
A nurse rushes into the room, silencing the beeping and reconnecting me to the wire. Kipton moves out of her way, but stays close to my bedside.
“Can we go home now, Kipton?”
“You agreed to stay for a little while. Do you remember passing out?”
He’s right. I did agree after speaking to the social worker, but I know they won’t let him stay once I’m moved. I wrap my arms around myself, scooting under the crappy bed sheet. All that’s wrapped around me is a thin gown and I’m freezing. “Dizzy. I got so dizzy. I tried to make it to the phone, but I don’t think I did. That’s all I remember. I still feel weak, and my head is fuzzy.”
“It’ll take some time to get your blood sugar back up. All that matters is you’re okay. God, beautiful, I was so scared when I found you.” He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and I lean into his touch. It’s comforting.
“You found me?” I question. There’s no memory of ever leaving my dorm room.
“Yeah. You were passed out on the floor. I panicked and was yelling for help and trying to wake you back up.” He runs his head through his hair and exhales loudly at the reminder.
“I’m sorry I scared you.”
He takes my hand and rubs it soothingly. “It’s not your fault. We’re gonna get you fixed up and you’ll be back in your room in no time.”
“You really think I should stay?”
He nods his head and no words are needed. He needs me to stay as much as I know I should. “I know I said I would, but I’m scared to stay here without you. Every time I try to sleep, he comes. He won’t stop and it’s driving me crazy.”
“Who won’t stop?” I wait for the nurse to leave before I continue. “Sophie, look at me. Tell me what you mean.”
“Coach Evans and his letters. They follow me everywhere I go.”
There’s a knock on the door and Lynn peeks her head inside the room. She glances over her shoulder before scurrying inside to join the two of us. “There’s only one person allowed at a time, but I had to see you with my own eyes,” she whispers.
“Hi, Lynn. I’m just getting my things together so Kipton can take me home.” I hate her seeing me like this. Her house is the only place my dreams haven’t followed. I’d do anything to go back there for a while instead of staying here all alone.