by Blake, Nova
When I moved back, he thudded to the ground, his eyes rolling for a moment before they settled into a blank stare at the canopy of trees above us. The knife clattered from my hands and I turned them palms up. My fingers shook as I took in the blood all over them and then I looked at my clothing to find that just as stained. A ragged sob tore from my throat and I knew I had to turn around, to make sure there were none left alive, but all I could do was stare between the man on the ground and my hands.
Hands that had killed a man. Killed more than just one.
"Jaelyn, are you okay?" Thomas called to me, but I couldn't look at him now. Couldn't tear my eyes away from the things I had done.
Next thing I knew he was beside me, his arm around my waist, tugging me into his body. I folded up then, burrowed my head into the crook of his neck and let the tears come. If he was here hugging me, I knew we were safe and I couldn't think about what had just happened, couldn't look at all the death we'd wrought.
I'd never killed a man, nor a woman. Never anything but a beast.
And yet…some of those beasts were better than these men. Helpless, at least, not vicious and violent, not ready to take the lives of innocent traders just to make some quick money. If that was even how this all worked. I realized I had no idea. All I knew in that moment was that I'd caused people to die. People who might have families or loved ones, people who maybe had hopes and dreams at one point in their lives before they resorted to thievery. They were dead here, on the ground. Because of me. And Thomas.
We were killers now.
"They're all dead, aren't they?" I asked when my sobs had subsided.
"Yes," he said, his voice a low rumble. "You were amazing, Jae. You didn't even think, you just reacted."
"I…" I sucked in a deep breath. "I didn't want to die."
"Neither," he admitted. He moved away from me, enough that he could get a look at my face. "You're okay?"
I nodded. "A few bumps, bruises. Maybe a couple of cuts." Now that the adrenaline was starting to wear off the pain was coming in. I knew I'd be feeling sore for a few days if I didn't get the opportunity to soak in hot water. But I had the feeling there was no luxury like that here on the road.
It hit me then that I hadn't even thought to check on our hosts. I pulled back further and stepped around him, heading towards the wagon. "Are they…"
But I didn't need him to answer. The woman, Orla, was crunched over, clutching her stomach. Blood seeped between her fingers as I rushed over to the front of the wagon, a gasp of shock coming out. I hauled myself up in to the back of the wagon and rummaged in my bag for the healing kit, then stepped over into the front so that I was next to her. The man had taken their son off to the side, giving me some space. I could hear Thomas ushering them down off the wagon, though there was nowhere they could get away from all the blood.
"Hey, stay with me," I said softly, reaching for her cheek and pulling her gaze towards me. "We're going to fix this. Okay?"
Her eyes were wide and pleading, but she couldn't seem to bring any words forth. I climbed to the other side of her and nudged her back into the middle of the seat, then when I had a wad of bandages in one hand, urged her to lean back. Blood bubbled up, but I didn't let that distract me. I needed to see how big the wound was. Ripping her tunic for more visibility, I felt inside until I could feel the length of it. "It's doesn't seem to be too deep, okay? Just, keep breathing, long and slow. And don't look."
She grunted in pain and clenched her jaw, huffing breath through her nose as she nodded and then fixed her gaze on the horses. I glanced over to see that the men were there, the boy stroking the nose of the horse in the lead. They would be okay. This would be okay. It had to.
I just wished I had some fire to seal this wound. I wished for it more than anything else, but we didn't have time to build one. My left forearm itched and I scratched at it absently, only looking at it when the skin started to burn.
The God Mark was glowing, the etching of it now a vibrant red, with flickers of orange burning through.
Flames. The element of Chiron. An arrow of pain shot down towards my fingers and then a spark lit up there. I gasped, reeling away from my hand as if it wasn't part of my body. The movement drew Orla’s gaze too and her eyes widened, her mouth opened, as if she wanted to speak, but I shook my head and mouthed the word ‘no’.
"Please. Don't say anything,” I whispered.
It was only when she nodded that I looked back at the wound. I knew what I had to do. I didn’t think any organs had been damaged and so I would seal this shut to stop the bleeding.
Seal it with my bare hands. And the strange fire under my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to center myself, and then inhaled a deep breath before fixing my sight to the wound and reaching for it. As soon as my fingers touched her skin the spark of fire grew, heat radiating through me as it seared the edges of the wound together.
Orla let out an agonizing scream, but I didn't stop, I had to get this done. Her scream cut off and I glanced up. She'd passed out, blessedly. Thomas and Erralt were clamboring back into the wagon, but by then I was done and busy wrapping a bandage around her waist to cover the wound.
The wound I had sealed with the magic of my hands.
7
Jaelyn
We managed to get Orla into the back of the wagon, and her son sat with her, giving her sips of water as we continued on the journey. We'd piled the bodies of the slain men off the road, not willing or able to expend the necessary effort to bury them. Whatever wild beasts roamed these parts would enjoy a feast tonight.
The thought made me shudder and reminded me again that it was because of me that they were dead. Me, and Thomas, and it looked like Erralt had taken one out as well when his wife was attacked. One of the horses had damaged its hoof when it ran over a body, but we couldn't afford to take it out of the harness and none of us particularly felt like hanging around for long enough to do more than bandage it.
The going was slow, but steady. Thomas sat in the back with Orla and Sam, while I rode in the front with Erralt. He'd been quiet for a bit, but when he did talk his voice was thick with emotion.
"Thought I was going to lose her," he admitted. "Thank you." He kept his eyes on the road, but I could see they were shining with unspent tears.
"I just did what any decent person would, I'm sorry it happened at all." I chewed on my bottom lip, and then asked the question we should have asked before we even got on the wagon. "Did you know that you'd need a guard?"
He looked at me then, his eyes weary. "I suspected. Not that we're carrying anything that valuable. Things have been…" He licked his lips. "Harder, of late." His gaze slid away, back to the road, and we carried on in silence for a little longer.
I wanted to ask what he meant by that because it felt like he was trying to keep me safe somehow. Even though I'd literally been wounded defending him and his family. Had put my life at risk by simply travelling with a slower moving target. But he didn't owe me anything, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know the full extent of what life outside the courts was like. I'd been coddled and protected from the truth of everyday life for anyone else. There was always food and I didn't need to struggle. I had a roof over my head and the ability to protect myself if I needed to.
But not everyone had those things.
"How long until we're at your destination?" I asked, glancing back at Orla.
"Another night and then we should be there by noon." He followed my gaze. "She will make it, won't she?" He kept his voice lowered, but couldn't hide the tremble in it.
"She will. She just needs rest and salve, and she will be okay." I knew the words were truth, even though I didn't have much experience with injuries. Sure, there were accidents from hunting, but they were not usually made by the blade of man.
I leaned back into the seat, tried to let the regular motion of the wagon ease the tension in my body, but it was like I couldn't let go.
I'd killed people today. I had their blood
on my hands still because there hadn't been any spare water to clean them with. I'd run them through the underbrush in the hopes that the leaves and grass there still held droplets of dew, but it hadn't been enough. It might never be enough.
It was like that blood was seeping deeper into my skin, becoming part of my body, but I wanted no part of it. As it dried, I scraped it off with my nails, rubbing my hands on my pants, though they were no cleaner. Nothing was clean. I didn't know if I would ever be clean again.
Erralt must have noticed my movements, because he let go of the reins and placed one hand on mine. "First time?"
I nodded and closed my eyes, remembering the way the attacker had looked when I stabbed him in the cheek with my knife. Part of me had been so angry that I'd not gone for a cleaner kill, while the other part had been frozen in horror at realizing exactly what I was doing. That there was a person there, beneath me, and that I had caused him real and lasting damage.
I would do more, if it meant saving my life. I had done more. The ones before him hadn't impacted on me quite as much as him. His death was so close to my face, so personal, and it broke through the adrenaline that had been coursing through my body.
"I won't say it gets easier, but you do what you have to. To survive."
I glanced over at him, looking at him in a new light. The simple admission that he too had killed was almost a shock to me. There wasn't that much war within our queendom, though there were small skirmishes between different places that I'd heard of. And I guess, he was older than I, maybe he'd been caught up in some of the fighting between courts when the last queen had died.
"Thank you. I'm glad we were here," I said.
"You have no idea how grateful I am for that too." He huffed out a breath. "Hopefully the rest of the trip will pass easily."
Quietly, I hoped the same. I wasn't sure if I could do any more today.
I glanced down at my hands again and then tucked them under my thighs so I couldn't see the blood.
* * *
Thankfully, there was no more trouble that day and when we set up camp that night, we all stayed in the wagon, the horses tethered just beside us to graze. The family took the back of the wagon. Orla was still resting, though she was looking a lot livelier than she had earlier in the day. I'd checked her wound and applied more salve, and I didn't think it would fester.
No, I knew it wouldn't fester. I could feel it in the way the arrow on my forearm pulsed. In the way her skin warmed under my touch as if this strange magical fire was burning away any infection that might threaten.
I didn't dare tell Thomas about it. Though he knew of the Mark, I didn't want him thinking that there was any other significance to it. Didn't want him to believe that I really was the True Queen in waiting. It was too dangerous to even ponder.
Thomas and I were in the front seat. He was sitting and my head was in his lap, legs stretched out. He'd made me promise to try and sleep first while he kept watch, but there was a tension running through my body I couldn't deny.
"Was that your first time?" I asked him quietly. The moon was hovering high overhead and watched as clouds scudded across it.
He glanced down at me, the curls of his hair making a cloud-like shiloutte against the moon. I couldn't see the depths of his brown eyes, couldn't see any of the expression on his face. Hidden in shadow.
"Yes," he admitted finally. "It was…"
"Truth," I agreed. I stretched my arm up, reaching to caress his cheek. "I didn't know that we might have to do that."
"I did. I knew that things might get difficult."
"Is that why you insisted on coming with me? Or was there something else…" I asked, trying to make my voice a little lighter, more playful. I didn't think I succeeded though.
"That, and you'd finally admitted you cared for me. I was hardly going to let you swan off without me." He grinned, but I could sense a little tension below the surface of his words.
"Seeking other loves?" I raised an eyebrow, but I wasn't sure he could see it in the darkness.
"I told you. I don't care who else you love, so long as you still love me." His voice was coarse with emotion and he leaned into the touch or my hand.
I sat up then, turned to face him. We were cheek to cheek and I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or smile. "You will always be my love, Thomas. You're my best friend. My anchor." He kissed me then. Soft and tender, not like the passion from other times. This was a kiss with a promise, a kiss with depth and breadth, a kiss that told me he knew exactly what I was and he was here for that. For me.
And I was there for him. I kissed him back, moving so that I straddled him without breaking contact. His kiss reminded me that we were still alive, that we'd protected the family in this wagon from certain death, and that above everything else, we had each other.
I needed that reminder so badly.
As much as I wanted to do more than kiss, I pulled away from him, resting my forehead on his, my breaths coming in ragged gasps.
"We need to stay alert," I whispered.
"We do," he agreed with a groan.
Never mind the fact that there was a child asleep not that far from us. I didn't think I'd feel okay about sneaking off into the bushes just to soothe the ache in my core. We couldn't leave them to sleep undefended.
With a sigh, I moved back to my seat, wishing that we were home in the castle grounds, in the privacy of my room, where I could explore every inch of his body to my satisfaction. Where he could enjoy every inch of mine.
"Tomorrow night, we'll be on our own again," he said quietly. And that was a promise too.
* * *
There were no further incidences along the way to the village. By the time we arrived Orla had recovered enough to sit in the front seat with Erralt, though the young boy chose to ride in the back with us. His gaze flicked between Thomas and myself, as though he wasn't sure who he should be watching. Who was more dangerous.
I wasn't sure who either. Thomas had been taken by surprise in the beginning, but he'd done his fair share of damage after he'd recovered from that. I couldn't have beaten off the brigands on my own, that was for sure. If it wasn't for me, he might be dead, but then if it wasn't for him, I might be too.
"I want to give you something," Erralt said, after we'd helped him unload his wagon.
"You don't need to," I assured him. "Who knows what might have happened to us if we'd just been on foot."
His eyes slid to his wife and then back to mine. "Please?"
I bit my lip and then gave a nod. He headed into their small house before coming back with a parcel.
"It's not much, but it's what we can spare."
I unwrapped the top layer to reveal some fresh fruits and vegetables. My mouth watered at the sight because we'd only really packed dry supplies and these looked fresh from the ground.
"Thank you," I said honestly. "This is a real treat."
"Stay safe on the road," Orla said. "Please?"
"Safe as we can," Thomas said.
"Stick to the smaller roads and you might have an easier time of it," Erralt said. "If I could spare a horse, I would, but with one injured…"
I looked between the couple; the child had hidden himself behind his mother's legs. I wouldn't take anything from these people who had been kind enough to carry us this far, who had offered us their produce when it looked like they didn't have much in the way of excess. It hurt my heart to see this, to know that those in our realm were suffering – and that no news of it ever seemed to reach the castle. We were walled off, unaware.
And that had to change. Even if the rise of the True Queen would bring magic and balance back to the land, it wasn't going to be a cure all, and we'd been naive to think so. Well, I had. I didn't know what others thought, but this had already given me new knowledge that I didn't think I'd be able to ignore.
"Thank you for everything," I said. "I hope you stay safe as well. Soon, the new queen will take her place and things should ease. For all of us."
>
Even as I said the words, they felt hollow, like it wasn't quite the truth.
Did I really expect Anya to care about people like this?
8
Jaelyn
"So, which way?"
Thomas and I stood at a crossroads. It was early the next day and the sun was barely piercing the clouds making the light low and eerie. The main road would take us straight to the Court of Leaves, but Erralt’s warning rang in my ears. But, I didn't know this area, so if we went off on the smaller road, I had no idea how long it might take us to get to court.
Time was of the essence.
"We travel alongside the main road. We travel quietly, like hunters. That way hopefully we can avoid stumbling into a cap of brigands and dying." I flicked an amused grin at him, my gut unclenching when he returned it.
"Like hunters. At least we're a little bit qualified for the job." He winked at me, and then reached for my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze before he dropped it and took the lead, heading into the bush.
The land here was not all that different from our own court, though the trees seemed taller, more ancient. I could feel that age radiating from them, as if they were the silent watchers of the land, bearing witness to everything that happened beneath them.
At some point a wide road had been carved from it, and I wistfully imagined that it was here before these trees grew up. Yet, I knew what mankind was like, the inevitable dominion that most people felt over the land they lived on. The forest seemed to be creeping at the edges of the road, trying to reclaim it as its own.
There were ferns here that I'd never seen before, and as we walked past them I brushed my fingers over their edges, my skin coming away with tiny black seeds. I scraped them off, letting them fall to the forest floor to spawn the next generation.
Thomas had his bow up, but I left mine on its sling, knowing he would alert me should I need it. I hoped that the worst of our travels were over, though there was always the possibility we'd stumble upon something worse. It felt like I still had blood on my hands, like it had leeched into my skin, and I didn't want to think about adding more.