by Alora Kate
“Maybe we could all go out for dinner sometime, like when Mom comes to visit?”
I knew that wouldn’t happen.
“She’s not ready for that Nat, but I’ll let her know you invited her.”
“Okay,” she sang walking out of my room and I followed.
“Were you thinking about bringing Nick to this dinner?”
She shrugged a shoulder and kept walking.
“Nat,” I warned watching her plop on the couch, kicking her feet up on the back side of it.
"Don't worry," she sighed, "I know what he does and doesn't want."
"Okay."
"I'm telling you, I'm a big girl." She sat up and smiled. "I've got this."
She was lying. It wouldn’t surprise me if she were already falling in love with him.
It was time to change the subject. My sister’s sex life, even though it included my best friend, wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with her. But I would be having another chat with Nick.
“What are you doing today?” I asked grabbing my fruit and yogurt from the fridge.
She cocked her head to the side. “Besides working tonight? Do you really want to know?”
“Nope.”
I tossed the fruit, yogurt, milk, and protein powder into the blender and turned it on.
I had the day off and wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the rest of it. I could go for another run, do some grocery shopping, or just be lazy the rest of the day.
Or I could bother Ashton again.
I drank my smoothie then headed to her door.
I raised my hand to knock and paused. It might be too soon, I mean I did just put her in a cold shower, watch her strip down to her panties, and kissed her.
It might have been too much.
I went to knock again.
It was too much.
I turned to leave and heard a chain swipe on the other side of the door. I froze and listened to the other two and then the deadbolt.
The door opened and she gave me a shy smile. “I’m waiting for Mike, but I saw you in the peephole.”
“I was going to knock.”
“I saw that.”
“But I didn’t.”
She dropped her eyes. “I understand.”
Damn her lips. Perfect. Soft. Sweet. I could kiss her every second of every day and never bore.
“Ashton.” Her name bounced down the hallway, and we both looked at Mike.
“All good?” he asked, his eyes locked on his sister.
“I’m fine.”
I should go. I should walk back to my apartment and try another time. But I just stood there like a fool.
“So,” Mike said, rocking on his heels. “You called me, Ash.”
“I know-”
“My bad,” I interrupted. “I didn’t plan this.” I waved between myself and Ashton. “Text me.”
Ashton texted me the rest of the week but didn’t want to see me just yet.
I gave her the space she needed and only hoped that I wasn’t losing her.
Ashton
Suzanne hugged me tightly and did her best not to cry. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered again. “So proud.”
“I know.”
As soon as I saw her, all my feelings changed; my anger just a memory now. I know I wasn’t lied to or betrayed. I just needed time to sort out my feelings.
I always needed time.
“Okay then,” she said pulling back and I took in her scar again. I had been too selfish and forgot about what Suzanne had been through to get that scar.
“Will you tell me about it?” I asked, sitting on the couch while she went to her chair.
“About what?” She slipped her glasses off and grabbed her notebook and pen.
I mocked her and gave her my best impression of how she says my name when I ask a stupid question, “Suzanne.”
“What?”
“Push. Push. Push,” I mocked again.
“One time. This is the only discussion we’ll have about it because it’s in the past and I’ve moved on.”
I tucked my feet up and listened.
“I was mugged. The guy had a knife and I put up a fight. He raped me, cut me, and left me for dead behind a dumpster.”
“Oh no.”
“I woke up and drug myself out of that alley and got help.” She smiled. “It takes time, any traumatic event takes time to heal from, and that’s why I’m always telling you that you're doing great because you are.”
“But six years, Suzanne.”
“It took me ten,” she said tapping her pencil on her notepad. “I was sixteen when it happened. That’s why I’m a therapist. I wanted to know why someone would do that to another person. How someone could be so cruel. I really wanted to understand people better, get inside their head, and see what makes them tick. It took me years before I would leave the house. I took all my classes online and I combined that with my own therapy and well,” she sat up straighter, “here I am.”
Suzanne was my hero.
Plain and simple.
“Ten years,” I said softly still thinking about my life. My life. My apartment. I was literally just sitting around while life passed me by. “You’re so brave.”
“So are you, Ash.”
The rest of the hour I filled her in on what happened in the shower, and she started to cry. It was one of the best, eye-opening sessions I’ve ever had. I spent three years with the Devil. Suzanne only had one night with him, but it wasn’t about that. It was the fact that we all have our own versions of Devils and Demons. We’re all battling something or someone that we’re afraid of, and it’s how we deal with it and move on that makes us who we are.
Overcoming our past and surviving the battle is what makes us stronger.
I had to figure out who I was and I could do that while I got rid of my Demons.
I did my normal Monday routine after therapy and when I saw Lincoln in the hallway, I stopped right in front of him. “Would you like to have lunch with me today?”
My heart tried to stop. It tried to completely run away from me but I forced it to keep beating.
After all, it’s my choice. I’m still in control.
“I thought you’d never ask,” he replied, his door already shut and we were in my place a few seconds later.
“So I might not be good company or talk much, but I would like to say thank you before I forget or pass out with a panic attack.”
“I’ll make sure you don’t have a panic attack,” he said leaning against the island, watching my every move. It was weird, but I just kept moving.
No thinking.
Just make the food.
“Sandwiches okay?”
“Sure.”
“Chips and dip?”
“Sure. You want help?”
“It’s okay.”
I made sandwiches. He talked. It was a great distraction, but I also wanted to hear about his week. Yes, we had sent some text messages, but they were mainly me confirming that I was alive and well. We sat on the couch and ate our food and watched some random show. No panic attack, no racing heart or black dots on my vision. No seeking out the darkness to hide.
In my head, things were going great.
Lincoln
At some point after lunch, Ash sat next to me and I passed out. It was like her touch brought me sleep, and I only hoped that maybe my touch brought her peace.
I stretched out and she tried to move. “Don’t,” I muttered keeping a hold of her with one arm and with the other, I tipped her chin up. I understand why she hates her face, her eye, and why it bothers her so much but honestly, if people knew the story behind it, they’d see the beauty in it just like I do. It shines so much brighter than her scars.
“Are you ready?” I asked her softly.
“For what?”
“To fall in love with me.”
Her eyes went wide.
“I’m kidding,” I lied. Did I really just say that, or am I still sleeping? “You ready for another show? Dinner?” This time, I moved. I had to get off the couch and go home.
Yes, that’s a good thing. Then she’ll forget what I just said.
I went behind the couch and checked out the wall that had post it notes on it. Some were taped up, some weren’t. Each one read something different, but there were many duplicate ones, like ones that told her to call her brother.
I glanced at the black curtains.
I glanced at the black couch.
I glanced back to the black post-it-notes.
Ash surrounds herself with darkness.
Did she even realize it?
She doesn’t let the light in.
She needs the light.
Everyone needs the light.
I walked to the window and opened the curtain.
“What are you doing?” she shrieked.
This might destroy us.
It might destroy her.
I was going all in. Jumping in the deep end. Swimming with the sharks.
She had blinds under them, so I pulled them up to the top and opened both windows. Fresh air. Light. I already felt a difference.
“What are you doing?” She ran to the windows but I grabbed her and spun her around in my arms.
“You surround yourself with darkness Ash, how the hell are you supposed to escape it?”
She blinked a few times. “I don’t know how.”
“You need to find your light.”
“Light?”
“Find the light in the darkness and let it guide you out.”
She took the time to think about it, laying her head on my chest. We stood there in the middle of her living room, doing nothing but holding each other. She didn’t run from me. She didn’t push me away. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but Nat did it to me and it helped. It worked. I know Ashton went through something more traumatic than me, but I could only pray that she’d let me continue to help her.
She slowly lifted her head up, searching my face. “Is it you?”
“Me?”
“My light.”
“I hope so.”
Her eyes dropped to my lips, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I lowered my head and she met me half way.
Tingles.
Sparks.
Everything you could imagine in a kiss was there.
It was all there.
Everything.
Ashton was everything.
She stopped and rested her forehead against my chest.
“Are you going to kick my ass now?” I asked.
“I want to.” She told my chest. “But the other part. The part that’s telling me that this is a good thing. That you are here for a reason, is telling me not to kick your ass.”
I hugged her and whispered into her ear, “I don’t know everything or if you’ll ever tell me your whole story, but trust me when I say, it will get better. Being free is the best gift in the world. I want you to be free. Enjoy life. Live it. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.”
“I trust you.”
Chapter 15 - Ashton
I liked it dark, always had and at that moment, I realized it was hardly a change from those three years I was trapped in that room. That room had no windows and only one light bulb that flickered on and off. I was surrounded by concrete on all four sides with a metal door. I hated the light and embraced the darkness. In the dark bad things didn’t happen, I felt no pain nor remembered it.
I know Lincoln wants to know more, but he has no idea what he’s getting himself into. As much as I thought I should, I simply could not push him away.
In my messed-up head, I wanted him to save me.
But no one could save me.
I had to save myself.
But with his help.
I wanted him to know me. The real me, except I didn’t know who she was anymore. Telling him more of what happened to me would change things, I know it would. I was afraid of what would happen. I’m sure he could imagine some of it, but not all of it. I lived it, and it was still hard for me to grasp the reality of what my life was for the three years I was gone.
He was my first kiss. And the second kiss made my heart stop, but at the same time, I felt my life was just beginning.
Afterward, I allowed him to stay. It was way past four p.m., and we were still hanging out. I admit, I wasn’t calm and collected the whole time, but I eventually stopped checking the time.
After I had turned the last movie off, he stood from the couch and pulled me into a hug where he gave me a nice kiss on the forehead and held me for several minutes.
“So, do you still trust me?”
“I trust you,” I said again, his blue eyes shining brighter than normal.
Please don’t leave me.
“Then it's settled,” he said releasing me. “I’m staying the night.”
I tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. First, he thinks I’m going to fall in love with him, and now he wants to spend the night?
But at the same time, I don’t want to be alone.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “No.”
He went to shut the windows and then the blinds. “It’s too fucking hot out there, but still the curtains can stay open.”
I didn’t care about the fucking curtains.
“You want to stay the night?”
He smiled, shrugged a shoulder, and walked right past me and down the hallway. “I’m not leaving.”
I ran after him and he jumped on my bed before I could protest.
“We’ve been in this bed too-”
“I know,” I said cutting him off. “But that was different.”
“Different, yes. Different, good.” He rolled over, giving me his back and running his hand over the pillow. “Yep, I’m totally staying the night.”
I didn’t move, just stood there with heavy feet. I’ve been doing this for so many years, my routine, my schedule, the way I live my life. For so long I’ve wanted to change, or alter it and as of yesterday, I had let Lincoln change my day and possibly my life.
I went to the bathroom, washed my face and hands. Brush my teeth and almost took another shower before I went back into my room. It was still early but I am a creature of habit, and love to feel clean.
I knew he wouldn’t push me. He wouldn’t go beyond the simple kiss or cuddling.
My body and brain were at war. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved, and my brain and its irrational thinking were lost. I changed into my pajamas and stood at the side of the bed admiring Lincoln who had passed out during my time in the bathroom.
I crawled into bed, he curled into me, and we slept.
We slept all night.
I woke up with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Soft, smooth, and steady. I gently rolled over and looked at the clock. It was fifteen minutes to nine. I had to pee. Normally I’d wait the fifteen minutes, but today, today I had to change. I had to get on with my life.
If that was possible.
My feet hovered above the floor for a few minutes before I slowly set them down.
“This just might be okay,” I muttered to myself letting my feet soak up the cold hardwood floors through my socks. “I got this.”
I stood and walked to the bathroom. I slowly made my way in, shut the door, and breathed in deep and let it go.
I did it. The alarm hadn’t even gone off yet.
Two steps towards the toilet I stopped. Something was different. It was missing.
It was gone.
He took it.
I didn’t dare move because I didn’t want to see myself.
Even though I was making some progress, I wasn’t ready to see my face.
The pain in my heart hurt so bad I hunched over.
He had no right to do this to me.
I grabb
ed the sink to steady myself and closed my eyes.
I needed to gather my thoughts and breathe. Concentrate on my feelings.
Breathe, Ash! Just fucking breathe so you can go kick his ass.
The panic attack hit me like a rock, so heavy and hard that I had to lower myself down to the floor. Passing out while standing was not fun. I lay on the floor and kept taking in all the air I could get but it didn’t feel like it was enough.
I was drowning.
Hyperventilating.
Why would he do this?
I thought for sure he would have asked me before he did something so stupid. It was so stupid!
“Ash!” Lincoln rolled me into his arms as he sat on the floor. “Fuck, Ash. I’m sorry. I thought you’d wake up with your alarm clock.” I was still struggling for air, waiting for the blackness to strike. “I was going to do it with you. Fuck.” He kept rocking me. “Just breathe. I got you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Why are,” another gulp of air, “you doing … this to me?”
“I’m just trying to help. I fucked up.”
I took another breath in and slowly let it out while the tears collected in my eyes. “Why did you do this to me?”
“I’m not doing it to you; I’m doing it for you, Ash.”
He shifted me so I was sitting on his lap with my legs around his waist, my butt to the floor. Our eyes locked. “You said you trusted me, believe in that and calm that heart of yours. It only needs to be racing when I’m kissing you senseless.”
I nodded and he took that as his sign to kiss me.
Anything and everything sexual was always taken from me, always painful and disgusting until I learned how to block it out.
I wasn’t going to block him out, though. I was letting him in. Letting myself and my body feel something. Lincoln was making me feel things in a new way. He was opening my eyes to possibilities and a life that I’d never thought I would get to have.
“I’m so sorry, Ash,” he said against my lips and I nodded in response. “I fucked up. I should have waited.”
“I didn’t even look in the mirror. Just the thought of it not being covered … I couldn’t do it.”
“I wrote on your mirror.”
“What?”
“I wrote on your mirror ... phrases and stuff.” He shrugged. “Trying to inspire you, I guess. Mike might get upset because I used a permanent marker.”