Which, hell. Maybe he was. So many things kept running through his mind. How had he not known she was allergic to bees? Surely she’d been stung before? And if she had, how had his mom not mentioned that?
Leaning forward, he scrubbed his face with both hands.
Francie rubbed his back. “She’s going to be okay, Tanner. You got her here in plenty of time.”
That’s what Doctor Davidson had said when she’d come out half an hour before. She was a nice lady—a pretty redhead with a kind smile. She’s very lucky, she’d said. She’ll be back to herself in no time, and at least now you know.
They’d given her a shot of epinephrine, followed by a round of antihistamines and steroids. They were going to watch her for a while, and then she could go home. She was going to be tired from the trauma, the doctor said. But otherwise just fine.
He looked over at Francie, loving her for being there. He didn’t want to love her for being there. He didn’t want to depend on her for anything. And he really didn’t want to feel the way he felt, as if looking at her one more second might bring him to his knees.
“What?” she asked.
He took a deep breath, putting his hand over hers. Feeling her delicate skin slide over her knuckles. The truth was, he was sick of denying things for the sake of denying them. It was that simple. Where Francie was concerned, he was so far gone, he couldn’t even see straight anymore. Now he had to figure out what the hell he was going to do about it.
“Vivian knows,” he said quietly.
“What?”
“I put her name down as an emergency contact, and they must’ve called for an insurance question or something, because she left a voicemail about ten minutes ago.”
“Oh, God.”
It was an accident. But they both knew Tanner blamed himself. And Vivian probably would, too. That’s just how it was.
“It’s okay. She’ll be in charge soon. She needed to know anyway.”
Francie swallowed visibly, and there was a vague look of disappointment on her face. He’d told her what happened before Maddie had been stung. How upset she’d been. How she hadn’t even let him explain about Guy.
“So, you’re sending her, then?”
He had to admit, he’d been wavering. After talking to Luke, after hearing the desperation in Maddie’s voice that afternoon. He was torn now—torn between feeling like he should do what was right by her, and what his heart said was right by the both of them.
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I really don’t.”
Chapter Twenty
Tanner held the phone to his ear, looking out the window to the giant fireball of a sun which was setting in the west. He couldn’t help but think of that night almost two months ago now. A night just like this one, when he found out his mother had died, and he’d be the temporary guardian of his little sister.
The grief had eased some, it wasn’t as sharp as it had been. It was more of a dull ache now, deep inside his bones. He felt it, throbbing with the intensity only death and loss could bring.
“For God’s sake, Tanner. She could’ve died.” His aunt was pissed.
He’d been expecting the accusation, the presumption he didn’t know what he was doing, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow.
Shifting on his feet, he reminded himself this was about Maddie, not him. She could’ve died. Vivian was absolutely right. And now there’d need to be a reckoning of sorts—she’d tell him exactly what he’d done wrong, and he’d accept it because he already felt like shit.
“I know,” he said.
“How could you have not known she was allergic? Even I knew and I live three thousand miles away.”
“Mom never told me.”
“Mmm. Or maybe you weren’t paying attention?”
He bristled at that.
“Look, Tanner.” She sighed. “I’m not blaming you, honey.”
“Uh-huh.”
“God knows Jennifer had a habit of failing you. I’m only worried you’ve got too much on your plate with this guardianship. I mean, you’re taking her to work with you. Why are you even doing that?”
“We were planting a tree. She wanted to come. I’ve got a place for her to be, but she wanted to come. It’s not like I took her to a strip club with me.”
“Do you…go to strip clubs?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“I’m just asking.”
He rubbed his temple. “No, Vivian. I don’t go to strip clubs. Not that it’d make me inept if I did.”
“It’d make you distracted. And a bad example.”
“Isn’t that what you think I am now?” The words were surprisingly hard to say. They struck a chord, since that was exactly what he feared he was to Maddie.
“I think you’ve just got too much on your plate. Like I said.”
His aunt was the quintessential diplomat. She was walking a delicate wire, trying not to offend her nephew, while getting what she ultimately wanted in the end: her niece.
He stared out the window as Charlotte yawned from the couch. He looked over. She wasn’t supposed to be up there, but Francie and Maddie always let her up when he wasn’t looking. Something he used to mind, but now he found…sweet. That’s what these two had done over the course of one summer. Changed him so slowly, he’d barely realized it, until moments like these. When he looked over at his dog on the couch and found himself a nostalgic fucking mess.
The question was, how much would he allow himself to be changed? At what point did it become too reckless? He didn’t know if he had the answer to that. And if he did, he didn’t know if he’d take it at face value, anyway. Maybe, just maybe, opening himself up to that recklessness didn’t make him weak like he’d always thought. Maybe it meant he was stronger for taking the chance.
“Hello?” his aunt said.
“I’m here.”
“I think I should go ahead and come get Maddie,” she said. “Rob and I are ready, and it might make things easier in the long run. You know, so she doesn’t get any more attached.”
He shoved his hand in his pocket. “I’m her brother. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being attached.”
“Of course not. I just mean it might make the transition easier, that’s all. I know you boys will be visiting a lot. You’re always welcome here.”
“And she’ll come back to Marietta. For the summers.”
“Right, right. For the summers.”
He had a feeling she wanted to wrap it up. Have him say yes and hang up before he changed his mind. She didn’t have to worry. He’d already made it up on the way home from the hospital. He wanted Maddie to stay. But he knew sending her would be the most responsible thing.
Even though it hurt like hell.
Chapter Twenty-One
Francie stood in the doorway of Maddie’s room, trying to swallow down the gigantic lump in her throat. But there was no use, it wouldn’t budge.
She watched the little girl reach for a plastic tote bag, and shove a stuffed hippo inside, then a few books, dog-eared and obviously loved.
Maddie looked up, tears streaking her face. “I think that’s everything.”
“Honey, you know you’ll be back, right?” Francie said. “It’ll be next summer before you know it.”
“Colton will forget about me.”
“Not if he’s a good friend, he won’t. And he’s definitely a good friend.”
“You’ll get busy with other things. Everyone always says they’ll keep in touch, but they never do.”
Francie walked over to Maddie’s bed and sat down beside her. “Hey. There’s something you don’t know about me.”
Maddie brushed her knuckles underneath her chin where the tears had been dripping onto her tank top. “What?”
“I had a pen pal in the fifth grade.”
The little girl sniffed.
“Yup,” Francie continued. “Ava O’Rourke. We met at a beauty pageant. Little Miss Montana. Have you ever heard of it?”<
br />
Maddie laughed and shook her head.
“Yeah, well, I was a regular at those things. It was my last year and Ava’s first. She was scared to death. I mean, shaking from head to toe. She was going to recite a poem as her talent, and backstage she was having trouble remembering the lines, so I helped her. She reminded me of someone else, someone close to you, who also recited something important to him in front of our class, even though he had a lot of trouble doing it.”
Maddie watched her. “Tanner?”
Francie nodded. “She was nervous, like him. But she was also strong. Like him, too. The other girls were laughing behind her back, but the more they laughed, the more Ava recited her lines. Over and over and over. Even though she could barely stand up straight. Even though everyone thought she’d probably pass out on stage.”
“What happened?”
“She didn’t pass out. It wasn’t easy, but she got through it. And you know what?”
“What?”
“She won the pageant.”
Maddie grinned.
“Yup,” Francie continued. “She won and we exchanged addresses, and the rest is history.”
“Do you still write?”
Francie put an arm around her. “We do better than that. She came to visit last Christmas. She lives far away now. Canada, but she’s one of my best friends in the whole world. And it all started with writing letters.”
Maddie leaned against Francie’s shoulder. “So you’ll write?”
“And I’ll call and FaceTime, too. And you’ll be back to see Tanner before you know it.”
At that, the little girl stiffened.
“Don’t be mad at him, Maddie,” Francie said. “He’s only doing what he thinks is best.”
“Without caring what I want.”
“It goes deeper than that. I know you’re tired of hearing that, but it’s true.”
She nodded miserably. “I know. But I don’t think I can forgive him yet. I just feel so…sad.”
Francie pulled her close. It was so hard seeing her go through this. It was confusing and difficult for her to understand. But Francie’s heart also broke for Tanner, who didn’t want to send her away. She knew the bee sting had acted as a nail in the coffin, and the doubts he’d had before, were now multiplied tenfold. And his aunt hadn’t helped.
She and Tanner were sitting awkwardly in the living room now, waiting to take Maddie to the airport. Tanner had asked Francie if she’d wanted to come, but she had a 100 percent history of bawling during airport goodbyes, so she’d opted not to.
Even now, though, she was having a hard time composing herself. God, she was going to miss this kid. And not just Maddie. Maddie and Tanner together, coming over to her house, playing games, watching movies, taking walks. Sometime over the past few weeks, they’d become a quirky little family. Nothing that anyone else would recognize necessarily, but she did. And she loved the three of them together with her whole heart.
There was a knock on the door, and they both looked up to see Tanner standing there.
He wore dark blue Levi’s today and a gray striped polo. He looked good enough to eat. But his mood was heavy, and his lips were drawn into a thin line, reminding her how much this weighed on him.
“We’d better go if we want to get you through security in time.” His gaze settled on Francie. “You sure you don’t want to come?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. In fact, she really needed to leave before the waterworks started in earnest.
Turning to Maddie, she gave her one more squeeze. “Text me when you get there? I can’t wait to see all the beach pictures. You’re gonna love it, kiddo.”
Maddie hugged her back. “I’ll miss you,” she mumbled.
Francie leaned close and whispered in her ear, so only she could hear. “He loves you more than anything. Don’t forget that, okay?”
*
Tanner stood with his hands in his pockets as they waited in line. After Maddie and Vivian got to the metal detector, he wouldn’t be able to go any farther. He’d have to say goodbye there.
He glanced over at his little sister who didn’t look back. She just continued staring straight ahead while Vivian went on about her favorite Mexican food restaurant, which was right down the street from their house.
Vivian didn’t seem offended at the lack of interest on Maddie’s part. In fact, she seemed completely oblivious. She’d made a plan which made sense, and now she was executing that plan with complete precision. Like a surgeon. Clean and neat.
He didn’t think he’d ever seen Maddie like this. Even after their mom had died, there’d been moments of life behind her eyes. Now, those eyes were dull and empty. Almost colorless.
She’d refused to speak to him all day, and he knew she felt betrayed. She’d said as much. If you love someone, you should never let them go. To her, this was just another letdown in a long line of them.
The thought was enough to make him feel like he was choking where he stood. She’ll understand when she gets older… That’s what he kept telling himself. But he wanted her to understand now. He didn’t want her to get on that plane without some kind of window into his head. Into himself as her brother, and as a man.
The line moved up a few people, and Vivian busied herself digging around in her carry-on. Turning, he took Maddie by the shoulders and forced her to face him.
She gazed up from a ghostly-white face. Even her freckles didn’t want to make the effort of standing out. Frowning, she waited for whatever he was going to say, and right then she seemed much older than a middle schooler.
“You know what I just remembered the other day?” he said.
She blinked up at him, her eyes glassy. She didn’t answer.
“I remembered you sucked your thumb until you were four.” He leaned closer, until his face was only inches from hers. “You sucked your right thumb, and that’s why you learned to use a fork with your left hand.”
She swallowed, watching him.
“Nobody else knows that about you, Maddie. I don’t even think Luke and Judd know.”
“I don’t remember,” she said.
“I know you don’t. It’s my job to remember for you.”
The line moved up another few people, and Vivian stood aside, giving them some privacy. There was the roar of a jet taking off on the runway, and the muffled sound of a little boy crying into his mother’s shirt sleeve a few yards away.
“I love you more than anything in the whole world,” he said, struggling to keep his voice from cracking. “More than myself. I know you’re mad right now. But I want you to remember that, okay? No matter what.”
Tears filled her eyes. She clutched her backpack straps with both hands, and he saw her knuckles were white.
“Are you scared to fly?” he asked. It was so stupid he hadn’t thought to ask before. She’d never flown except in Judd’s twin-engine Cessna, and that wasn’t even close to the same thing.
She shook her head, but he could tell she wasn’t going to admit if she was. She was angry, confused, hurt. She’d get on that plane without admitting a damn thing. She was stubborn as a mule.
He pulled her into a hug and dropped a kiss on top of her head. She remained stiff as a board, and he felt her warm tears soak through the front of his shirt.
“Next?” The security officer motioned them forward.
Vivian reached up to cup Tanner’s cheek. He was surprised to see she was tearing up, too. Maybe she just didn’t like goodbyes. Jesus, did anyone?
“We’re going to take good care of her,” she said. “I’ll call you the second we touch down.”
“Next, please,” the security officer repeated patiently.
Tanner looked down at Maddie again, this time through blurry eyes. He hadn’t cried when his dad left. He hadn’t cried during all those days of hell in high school. He hadn’t cried when his mother had died. But now, the sadness seemed to have caught up. The irony wasn’t lost on him—you could grow up and run aw
ay from the pain, but you couldn’t hide from it. It’d always find you.
“I love you, Mads,” he said.
She stared up at him, and without another word, let Vivian pull her gently through security.
Tanner stood still as a slab of granite, watching her put her Hello Kitty backpack on the conveyer belt and take off her beat-up Converse All Stars.
She turned around after going through the metal detector, but there were too many people to see clearly. She didn’t wave, didn’t blow him a kiss. Just watched him over her shoulder until she and Vivian had turned a corner and were out of sight.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Balancing on the step stool, Francie reached up and stapled the last of the cardboard cutout apples above the chalkboard. She stepped back down, looking around her classroom with a critical eye. Cute, cheerful. Ready for the bombardment of third graders who’d descend on Marietta Elementary next week.
She took a deep breath, glad the décor didn’t match her mood. Unless, of course, she wanted a bunch of depressed nine-year-olds trying to learn reading and math, which she didn’t.
Maddie had been gone for three weeks, and Francie hadn’t talked to Tanner in nearly that long. After he’d put his little sister on the plane, he’d grown withdrawn and quiet. He’d finished her front yard and immediately packed his bags for Helena and the job at the governor’s house. He’d called a few times, and always sounded a million miles away. Turns out, vulnerability and Tanner Harlow didn’t mix very well. Never had. It was as though Maddie had been a catalyst for everything in his life that could affect his heart, and he’d shut it down before anything else could get through. Including her.
She chewed the inside of her cheek, looking over at her phone for the fifth time that hour, as if it would magically start ringing, and it’d be him. Ready to settle into a relationship, ready to put his demons to rest once and for all.
Instead, it stayed dark and silent like the traitor it was.
The intercom buzzed and she startled.
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