I sighed. It seemed the strangest time to come out, but it was about time he knew. “Dad, have a seat.” He gave me a worried look. “No, it’s nothing bad, I promise,” I said, putting my had on his arm.
He sat at the breakfast table and his eyes followed me as I took the seat across from him.
“Dad, there’s something about me you need to know.” My heart pounded so hard I thought it would break through my chest.
“Are you OK? Are you sick or something?”
“No, nothing like that,” I replied with a laugh. I took a deep breath, then felt my Mom’s hand on my shoulder. A burst of confidence ran through me with that touch. “Dad, I’m a lesbian.”
He said nothing as he sat staring at me. It was as if he were in a trance, and the nanoseconds ticked by and he still said nothing.
“Dad?”
His arms raised up wide. “I’m waiting for you to tell me something I didn’t know.”
I laughed. “You knew?”
“Oh, God, yes,” he said laughing. “I’ve known for years. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I dated guys in high school.”
He shook his head. “You dated them, but you never had a steady boyfriend. And honey, a dad just knows.”
“So, you’re not mad?”
“Mad? Why the hell would I be mad? I love you, Pumpkin, the way you are. I don’t want some other daughter, I want you.”
The door creaked and we all looked over.
“I’m sorry, Carrie,” Aunt Lana said. “I honestly didn’t mean anything by my question. I was just making conversation, I swear.”
I stood and walked over to her. “No, it’s OK. Look, give us a second and we’ll be out.”
“Sure.” She turned and walked back into the dining room.
“I think it’s time I told the family,” I said.
Dad came up and hugged me, then Mom joined us. When we separated, I took a deep breath and walked back into the dining room with determination.
“All right, everyone,” I said as I stood at one end of the long table. I patted Grandpa Johnson on the shoulder as he looked up at me expectantly. “You might as well know…” I took a deep breath. I felt Dad’s hand on my back and Mom’s hand on my shoulder and I straightened my back. “I’m gay.”
Little Tony snickered and Mandy hushed him.
I looked straight at Aunt Lana, whose jaw hung open and her face was filled with confusion. Then realization came to her face. “Oh, that’s what this is all about? My goodness, I thought there was something wrong!” She put her napkin back on her lap, took another piece of turkey from the platter, and placed it on her plate. “Come on, everyone, let’s eat up. The food is going to get cold.”
“You don’t have anything to say about this?” I asked.
Aunt Lana carefully placed her silverware on her plate and looked up at me. “Do you think you’re the first in this family to…”
“Be gay?” I asked, trying to help her with the words.
“Be different,” she said. “You do realize that our Uncle Steve was gay, don’t you?”
Mom gasped behind me. “Really?”
“Oh, goodness, yes. You couldn’t talk about it back then, but we all knew.” She turned her gaze to me. “That doesn’t mean you can’t have children, Carrie. It just means you’ll have to find another way to do so.”
I was stunned. All these years of avoiding telling people and here sat my Aunt Lana, the matriarch of our family, the one who had an opinion and advice for everyone, and she didn’t even care about my lifestyle. All she cared about was whether or not I had a family.
When I took my seat again, I dug into the wonderful food with gusto, joined in the conversations around me, and smiled.
Now if I could only have had Alice here with me.
Chapter Fifteen
The Monday after Thanksgiving, I returned to school renewed and ready for battle. I went to Dale and demanded he call Chris’s parents in for a meeting. I had every right to ‘face my accusers’ as the case may be. I wished I had Alice’s confidence when it came to standing up for herself, but I had to make do with feeding off my anger instead. Hopefully I would not go off on them.
I had talked with my parents, and my Aunt Lana of all people, about the situation that had come up with the Bakersfields. They had encouraged me and made me realize I needed to stand up for myself, but to do it before it got to the board of education. By that time it might have been too late.
When the Bakersfields walked into Dale’s office that afternoon, I immediately picked up on the tension. Then it dawned on me; I needed to win Chris’s parents over just like I had to win Chris over. It sounded a lot easier than it was.
“Mr. And Mrs. Bakersfield, so good to see you,” I said, extending my hand. Frank Bakersfield grabbed my hand and shook it firmly. When I turned to his wife, she looked at my hand like it might have some sort of virus on it and then reluctantly shook it with the tips of her fingers. At least it was something.
“We have called this meeting to discuss issues that have come up with Chris in Miss Johnson’s classroom,” Dale said formally.
I smiled, my cheeks hurting from the effort, and said, “I understand that you believe I have discussed with Chris the possibility of him having a disability.”
Trisha harrumphed and Frank said nothing as he picked at a cuticle. “My poor baby thinks there is something wrong with him,” Trisha said. Her voice was nasally and crisp.
“Mrs. Bakersfield, I never said a word to Chris about the possibility of him having a disability. Not once. What makes you believe I did this?”
“He told me you did,” Trisha said, but her eyes moved away from my face. She was lying.
“Really? Because I asked him if he had ever heard of the word dyslexia, which is the disability you have accused me of talking to him about, and he said he had never heard it before.”
“You spoke to Chris without my permission?”
“I’m his teacher. I have to speak with him. I didn’t ask him anything more about it. I just wanted to know where he heard it from, and it turns out he hadn’t even heard it.”
Dale cleared his throat. “We would like to come to some sort of agreement, Mrs. Bakersfield.”
The woman sniffed derisively. “Of course you do. You don’t want me going to the board of education.”
I shook my head. “I only care about Chris and his education. If you believe he would be better off in another classroom, then so be it. However, I have been working with him one-on-one for the past month, and I don’t know if you have noticed, but his reading has improved immensely.”
Mrs. Bakersfield looked a tad bit uncomfortable but only pressed her lips into a thin line.
“Chris is a great kid. I have enjoyed working with him so far this year. Sure, we had some issues at the beginning, but he was acting out because he was struggling with reading. Now that he’s feeling successful, he’s calmed down.” I turned and looked directly at the boy’s mother. “When was the last time I called you about his behavior?”
“I don’t know, it’s been a few weeks,” she said airily.
“Exactly. That’s because we have a much better relationship than we had before.”
With that, Trisha broke down crying. I sat back in my seat as if something had been thrown at me, my shock was so profound. What in the world was going on?
“That’s just it,” she said after wiping her eyes with the tissue Dale had given her. “Chris refuses to read with me. All he talks about is how much he likes you and how much he’d rather read with you than with me.” By the time she finished her words, she was sobbing.
Oh, my God, I thought. She’s jealous.
I felt so sorry for her, but at the same time I wanted to laugh. The poor woman thought she was going to lose her son.
“Your son loves you,” I said in my best consolatory voice. “But you should understand, children want boundaries because it makes them feel
safe. Those boundaries don’t have to be strict, just firm. Love him for who he is, but guide him to making decisions that will be good for him when he grows up. I don’t have my own children, but I have been teaching for four years. What I’ve learned is that we, as adults, need to work together to mold and sculpt children from the inside out. Just like sculptors who work with natural materials, we take their strengths and find out what beauty and individuality are underneath.”
Mrs. Bakersfield gave a small laugh. “It’s so funny you would compare him to a sculpture. You know he loves art?”
I nodded. “That’s how I got him interested in reading. He told me he loved painters, so I found some books at his level and we read them together. This is something you can do at home as well. Take him to the library and let him choose the books he wants to read. If they are too difficult, sit down with him and read with him. You’ll be surprised what your son can do.”
“I know he’s bright, but I have always believed that children aren’t able to be children long enough, and that our society pushes them to adulthood too soon.”
“Oh, trust me, I know what you mean. However, would you let Chris go to a concert on his own?”
She laughed. “No, of course not.”
“See, you do have boundaries. What we need to do is work together and construct a safe place for him to learn. The key is working together. What do you say?”
She sniffed and glanced over at her husband who smiled for the first time since I met them.
“I think that’s a good idea.”
Dale grinned broadly, as if he had something to do with what had happened at the meeting. “Well, I think it would be a great idea to set up a meeting in the next week to discuss the next steps, if that’s what you would like to do, Mrs. Bakersfield.”
After a few moments thought as she stared at me, she nodded her head. “Yes, I would like that.”
“Me too,” I said as I pushed the chair back and stood. “Send me an email with the best days and times and we can set up another meeting. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for coming in.”
As I walked toward the door, Mrs. Bakersfield walked up to me. “I’m so sorry about all that has happened,” she said. “But thank you for your patience.” Then she did something that shocked me to the end of my toes.
She hugged me.
***
Several minutes before the morning bell rang, Susan and I stood at the outside door by the playground watching through the windows as the students lined up. Even though we were not really outside—we were between the inside doors in a small mudroom of sorts—I still could feel the cold, and I grabbed my arms and rubbed them with my hands.
“How was your Thanksgiving?” I asked.
“It was fine. How was yours?”
“Well, besides my aunt getting on my case again for not having a family…”
Susan gasped. “She didn’t?”
I nodded. “Oh, she did. Because of her, my mom lost it. I had no idea that the woman bugged her as much as she did me.” I laughed. “You should have seen it.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry to hear that it went so bad.”
“Oh, it gets worse.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “Worse?”
“Oh, yes, much worse.” I paused. “Well, no, not worse, better?” I laughed and explained what had happened. By the time I finished, her mouth was hanging open and her eyes were wide.
“Holy cow,” she murmured. “How did they take it?”
“Actually, quite well. I was actually surprised to find out that my Great-Uncle Steve was gay. All these years I was worried about how everyone would react, and when I told them, Dad said he already knew, and Aunt Lana said that all she cared about was family not how that family was comprised. Or something like that.”
Susan shook her head again. “It sounds like you had a pretty emotional time.”
I snorted. “You could say that.”
We both smiled at each other.
“So, are you coming to the staff Christmas party?” Susan asked as she kept her gaze on the students.
“Yes, of course. Do you want me to pop by right after school on Friday to help you set up?”
She glanced over at me and smiled. “That would be great.” She looked back out the window. “I still can’t believe that Georgia talked me into hosting it. But I really do have the space for everyone and their families. I figure I’ll leave right after school. I have to stop by the store and pick up the cake I ordered. Would you pick up a tablecloth on your way? They’re on sale at that big party shop on Federal, I can’t remember the name.”
I laughed. “I know which one you’re talking about, and I can’t remember the name either. But sure, I’d be happy to. Is there anything else you’ll need?”
“I don’t think so. Henry is bringing his barbecue mix. Apparently it’s been in the smoker all night. He’ll run home on his way to take it out and put together a platter.”
My mouth watered just thinking about the juicy meats. “Yum. Who else is coming?”
Susan thought for a moment and then said, “Well, all of the first-grade team is coming, Lori from second, of course, Georgia. Then most of the fourth and fifth-grade teams, the office staff, Dale.” I could see her mentally marking off a list of names in her head, and she laughed. “I think it would’ve been easier to ask who isn’t coming.”
I smiled.
“Are you bringing anyone?” she asked nonchalantly.
I knew who she meant and it did not bother me that she was asking. We had become great friends working together and we talked about just about everything.
“I doubt it.” I could tell she was not saying something she wanted to say. “What?” I asked.
Her sigh was heavy and she leaned against the brick wall. I wondered how she could not be shivering like I was.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m trying my hardest not to be nosy.”
I laughed at that. She was always nosy, but in a friend way, not in that weird, I-have-to-know-everything sort of way.
“No, seriously. I’m just worried about you. I wasn’t going to say anything, but when you were dating Alice, you were…I don’t know…different. You seemed more…” she paused and sighed. “I guess I would call it more genuine. You seemed more in your element, if that makes sense.”
That made more sense than she could even imagine. So many people had pointed out changes in me after dating Alice. “Sure, I guess it does. But it’s already difficult with my sexual orientation when it comes to my teaching job. What would happen if parents found out I was involved with situations that included,” - I glanced around, nervous someone would overhear - “illegal activities?”
Susan laughed. “Honey, I get what you’re saying. But you have the choice to not be around certain situations. Do you think Alice partakes in these ‘activities’?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m sure she doesn’t.”
“Then that tells me you have nothing to worry about.”
I glanced out the window. “I just don’t want to be unsupportive. What happens if she goes to these parties and I don’t go with her? Will she think her job, her way of life, is not important? What if I do go and they have some sort of bust and I’m arrested for just being there. There are plenty of stories about people getting thrown in jail for less. Then what would happen to me and my job”
“So, it’s all about the what ifs? That seems like a weak argument to me.”
Maybe Susan was right. Maybe I was focusing too much on the ‘what ifs’ rather than what I saw with my own eyes. Never once had I seen her doing anything illegal.
“You know what your problem is?” Susan asked, giving me her best teacher face.
I laughed. “What’s that?”
“You focus on yourself the teacher and not yourself the person. Remember, teaching is a job. Your life is your life.”
I thought about that for a moment. She was right. I worried too much about what other people thought
and not about living my life.
Susan opened the door a couple of inches. “Xavier, keep your hands to yourself,” she called out before closing the door again. “There’s no reason you can’t make it clear you don’t want to be around it, but that you still accept her, because I’ll bet she feels like you look down at her.” Then she laid her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, I’m just in lecture mode today.”
“No, you make a lot of sense. I’ve only actually been to one party with her and have never asked her if they are all like that. I just took it for granted that they were. Plus, I’ve never talked to her about how she would feel if I didn’t go with her to some of these get-togethers.”
“So, basically, you brushed her off based on that one party?”
“Well, no,” I said defensively, “there was also the party before Thanksgiving.”
“Are you kidding me? We all loved Alice. Didn’t you see us having to pour Kathy into a cab before you left? And yet you didn’t think twice about her being drunk. It sounds like you have some double standards, lady.”
Shame washed over me. Was I actually holding Alice to a different standard than others?
Apparently, I was.
***
I was just sitting down to a simple dinner when the phone rang. I picked it up and looked at the caller ID.
“Hey, Mom, what’s up?” I said, leaning back into the sofa.
“Hi, honey, I just wanted to call and check up on you.”
I smiled. Mom was always such a worry wart. “I’m fine, Mom, really.”
“Well, it was a pretty emotional holiday.”
I snorted. “Yeah, no kidding. But I feel lighter now somehow, if that makes sense.”
She laughed. “I get it. It hasn’t been easy for me not to tell your dad all this time.”
“Oh, Mom, I’m so sorry. That didn’t even occur to me.” And that was true. I was so tied up in keeping my lifestyle to myself, I never considered what it did to people who had to keep my secret.
But mom laughed again. “Honey, every couple has a secret or two. This wasn’t for me to tell, it was for you. I think it all worked out for the best this way.”
Perfect Match: A Lesbian Romance Page 9