Your Homie, Lover and Friend
Homie, lover and friend? More waterworks. This pain had to go. Just like Mama said, “pain is the mama of change”, and it was time for change. A change I could believe in.
Just like the senator from Illinois who was running for president.
I replied:
I know you love me but this love has led me astray. Don’t think this path we’re on is healthy. If you’re the one, you’re not the one now and I deserve so much better than this. Seems like there’s no separation between lovers and friends and there has to be. Maybe we can’t be friends.
Send.
I repeated the song. I loved Ledisi’s sultry voice. I decided to put the whole CD on. It was my new favorite album.
Jason’s reply hit my inbox, and I opened it up.
It read: We need to talk. I may have missed something.
I replied, In person!
He replied, Ok, but it may be in a couple of weeks.
I replied, How many?
He replied: 3.
Three weeks? Was this nicca crazy? I understood that we lived in two different states but, I wasn’t hanging on any string for anybody’s three weeks.
My reply was much longer. I started feeling indifferent and felt the need to dissolve this and keep moving forward. I thought it was best to let it out, but first more waterworks.
Chapter 16
HEALING FOR MY SOUL
Before I could type, I couldn’t resist the feeling that kept telling me he was getting married. Lord, I needed a clue. Who was he marrying? Even though I dreamed of the wedding invitation, I also dreamt of the U-haul truck pulling up to my house. I needed a clue. Just let me know, I thought, ’cause if it’s not me, it’s a wrap.
I decided to call Mama. I needed guidance, some spiritual influence; a healing for my soul. I went to my bedroom and laid across my bed. My crackberry was right there. The red light was blinking, but I didn’t care to see who was sending a text, email or Facebook message. I dialed the number belonging to my parents. She answered on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey Mrs. Bell, how are you, lady?” I could feel her smile through the phone.
“Heyyyy Baby Cakes. What’s going on?”
“I’m cool Mama. I just need to talk to you about Jason.”
“Jason? What happened now?” she asked with no enthusiasm.
I took a deep breath.
“Well, I’m at a crossroads with him. I think I am at my wits’ end with our relationship. It’s just not working for me.”
“Wait, did you say relationship, baby? How are you in a relationship with him and he’s gone on? Baby it’s time to move on with your life. He did. And why are you still dealing with him? He has a girlfriend, right? That’s why he went to Vegas.”
“Yes, Mama. But he’s not off the market until he gets married.”
“Oh, so you were waiting on him. Aren’t you waiting on Drew, too? Journee, I don’t get it, girl. Y’all and these new dating styles,” she said.
“See, Mama. Things were simpler in your day.”
“Well, yeah, men were men then and women were women. Nowadays, the roles have changed and everyone is doing whatever. Your generation acts like they are afraid to end things. Y’all just wanna hang on even if it’s not good for you. But honey, you are God’s and my child and I pray for both of my daughters daily. I want some grandkids soon.”
“I know Mama,” I said. “I’m working towards that goal now.”
“Well, baby girl, tell Him what you want and listen to Him. Jason isn’t filling your cup ’cause he’s not the one. Ya know God is not in it if it’s confusion, and that baby, is confusion.”
“Yeah it is, huh?” I asked.
“Shoot yeah, he left like a thief in the night… like a little punk.”
We both laughed. I couldn’t believe she said that.
She continued. “He just packed his stuff and left. Girl he did you a favor.”
“He did?”
“Yes!” she shouted. “Any man that’s for you will not leave you. Period! You know that.”
“I know, and what you said makes a lot of sense.”
“Good girl, now you pray to God and tell him what you want.”
“Thanks Mama, I’ve prayed already.”
“Oh, ok. Well just be still then.”
“I feel a lot better, Mama. Thanks.”
I knew calling Mama would take all the pain away. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I decided to let it all out so I could move on. I went back into the office and sat at the computer. I let my fingers do the typing.
Dear Mr. Jason Smith,
I don’t think that you still need to come out here. It’s just that the time has come where we are at the end of this “relationship”. Yes, relationship, we were more than friends. Believe me, I enjoyed every minute of it! Somehow we have managed to stay together throughout our other relationships cause we have disguised it as a “friendship”. Yes, I believe that we have a connection that’s unexplainable. My feelings for you are no mystery. That’s why you left the way you did! It’s just a safe comfortable place for us to remain close as we can and not seem like it’s cheating. But you’re right, we have SOMETHING. I don’t understand why you are trying to come out here to talk, you made your decision and that should be it. Now you really want to talk about us? You already know how I feel about you. But these are my feelings and I can’t hold you prisoner for the way I feel. Yes, I fell in love with you. Love at first sight 12 years ago actually, but this is the way I feel, not the way you feel. All the good times we had together over all these years. I’ve been there for you all the time. I have given you the best that I’ve got. How did I manage to let you fall in the hands of another woman? Don’t really know how we got to this point, but I don’t care to get into that cause I’m tired of crying over you. You really didn’t start loving me until you moved to Vegas. Now it’s the “if I knew then what I know now, things would be different”. Gee thanks! But I always thought it would end up being just us eventually. I’m in love with you too much to sit here and be apart of this. All I can say is that I’m sorry, but I’ve tried being “friends” with you, but I just can’t. I’ve always wanted more. I wanted to marry you and live happily ever after with my best friend. But I have one question, can you be in love with two women at the same time?
Good luck in the love you have,
Journee Faith Bell
Yeah, that’s enough rambling, I thought. Let him marinate on that.
I sat there looking at the computer, wondering how I got to this place.
God, please direct my life and my thinking. I wanna do what’s pleasing to You. You know what I want. I’ll just wait on You.
I couldn’t get Kelly Price’s song out of my head for nothing so I kept humming it, I need a healing for my soul.
I started to yawn and decided that I needed a nap. If I went to any bar, I would do damage and that’s not gonna solve anything. But I knew that some rest would.
As I laid down on the couch in the living room, the house phone rang. I jumped right up and answered it.
It was Drew.
Something in me decided to accept his call and give him the business too. After the correctional institution prerecording, I pressed the number five, answering abruptly.
“Yes?”
“Hey Journee, how are you?”
“Don’t worry about how I’m doing, Andrew Lee Mills.”
Something in me shook after I said his whole name. I knew that feeling. At that moment, I realized that I still had feelings for him.
Great, I thought. The feeling of wanting to be mad left my soul.
It was God’s work.
It had to be God who made me decide to
answer his call. Good timing, I thought.
“Hey baby, look, I ain’t calling to piss you off anymore than I already have. I just wanted to say I apologize and I love you. That’s all. I wrote you a letter to explain myself but I’m sure you ain’t trying to hear it.”
What did this nicca want, sympathy from me?
“Wow,” was all I could get out.
“Man, Journee… life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so since I do love you, I am trying to fix this and treat you right. My life is lonely without you baby. I was wrong and that wasn’t cool. I asked the Lord for forgiveness and now I’m coming to you to ask you to forgive me.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed aloud.
“I know you’re hella mad at me and I probably have messed up, huh?” he continued.
I answered with a grunt, then another sigh, unsure of what I was about to say.
“I’m tired of the ups and downs and the round-and-rounds in my life,” I said. “That was the last straw, Andrew, and pretty much, I have left the amusement park. No more roller coaster rides for me. I’m turning in my season pass and I am leaving. I AM DONE ALREADY!!!!!” I screamed and then hung up the phone.
I was fuming.
I marched down the hallway into in my bedroom and fell onto my bed. The house phone rang again, but I decided my previous outro was the bomb and I had to be done with him.
Moving forward, as my pops says. I heard my crackberry beep notifying me of a text message. I grabbed it and checked it.
It was Sean, asking what color panties was I wearing.
“Ugh!” I shouted.
I hit the reply button and typed my response: Cum find out.
He quickly replied, “Ok. You at home?”
I sent a “yes.”
He responded, “have it ready”.
I texted back, “the door will be unlocked,” along with a winking smiley face. I got up and went into the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and let the water run on my towel.
I watched the water as it was running down. I just stood there and daydreamed about Jason leaving me and acting like what he did wasn’t that bad.
My mind flashed on Drew. How could that nicca just flash on me for no reason? That shit hurt badly.
Then, here was this nicca, Sean, just so disconnected from my life. He was nothing more than someone to just small talk with.
He was like my drug of choice—sex.
Together, it was good sex. We were always in synch, like a hand in the right glove. His love pole was smooth and the tip was shaped like a mushroom, so when it went in, I was in another world. His thrusts would wake me up and I would give him everything I got.
His stamina has always been awesome. He could keep up when I served him with these size 12 hips. I loved when he moaned and gave me props in bed. He had so much passion. It made us both put in more work. It seemed like we were working together, but we were competing against each other too. Most of the time, he would wait for me so we could climax together. He always kissed me in places that added sensuality to our meetings. He never ignored my breasts. I always liked that. I could remember back in the day when dudes would do it to you, and you would still have your shirt on. Yeah, I knew we just bumping and grinding but can our chests touch? Can our tongues dance around in a circle?
I laughed just thinking about the nameless guys who were at fault. I would never again sleep with someone who doesn’t romance all of me. I was a good lover, darn it, I didn’t want to half-step anymore. Well, I actually had stopped sleeping with people that I don’t like. It wasn’t cool anymore.
The things you do for a nut. I chuckled.
After I snapped back into reality, I turned off the running water and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I hurried up and jumped in the shower and “got it ready” for him just like he requested. When I got out of the shower and dried off, I heard music playing from my bedroom, so I leaned around the wall to view the scene in my bedroom.
Sean was laying on his back, on my bed, butt naked with his eyes closed. He had turned my TV on the jazz satellite channel and it was ready. His pole was standing at attention.
I walked over to him and whispered, “You been thinking about me again, huh?”
He looked at me as he lifted his head and he was smiling from ear to ear.
I decided to make his day. I climbed on the bed from the foot of it right in between his legs, I was face to face with his love pole. His eyes got big and he laid his head back down on the pillow as I opened my mouth and inserted all of him.
I love being in that mushroom state of mind. I figured after a good workout with Sean, my nap would be waiting on me afterwards.
Three hours later, I woke up and Sean was still sleep. I was ready for him to get out of here. I boosted his ego more since he thinks he was the reason why I was crying while we were having sex. It had nothing to do with him and his pole.
No nicca, I was heartbroken times two, and emotional. I was just using you as an outlet for some satisfaction even, if it was temporary. But I was boo-hooing, tears all over my face and ran onto the pillows when he was on top of me. He did do the honors in wiping my tears away, but it frustrated me even more, ’cause he’s not someone I could look in the eyes and say “thanks babe, I love you” and he says the same thing, and we passionately kiss.
Why did I go there with myself? Anger was traveling from my mind to my heart. Next thing I knew, I shook him awake from his slumber.
“Get out of here! I can’t take this no more. Get your stuff and leave me right now. C’mon on, get your stuff and let’s go! Get gone,” I demanded.
I shocked him right out of his sleep. He got up quickly and jumped into his sweats, stumbling a little. He threw on his t-shirt and socks, grabbed his shoes and headed for the door. Without a response, he checked his pockets for his keys and phone and was out on the curb at his car in less than a minute.
Good.
I locked the door and went back to bed, crying all the way.
I was a mess. Can you really be in love with two people?
Chapter 17
I GET AROUND
Friday was finally here and I had a hair appointment that afternoon and couldn’t wait to get to that shampoo bowl. Jordyn had magic fingers that could wash all your troubles down the drain. But there was some other thing that was bothering me—the fact that my sister may be gay.
I was wondering if I should say something or let her tell me on her own time. I didn’t want her to feel she had to hide in the closet all alone. We were family and needed each other. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to be fake around me. We didn’t have that type of relationship and didn’t need to start now.
I called Mama to see if she knew, and if I was I the only one in the dark.
“How are you doing, Baby Cakes?”
“Hey Mama, I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m good, but you aren’t.”
“What?”
“What’s wrong, daughter?”
I took a deep breath.
“It’s Jordyn. The rumor is she’s gay.”
Mama shouted in my ear. “Gay? Hold on; let me cut off The Cosby Show. What do you mean gay? How? Who told you? That’s a lie. Not my Jordyn Marie Bell. Have you talked to her? Did she confirm this behavior?”
She just kept asking question after question.
“Mama, slow down!” I said. “I haven’t talked to her so don’t say anything. I’m on my way to the salon now. Do you think I should say something?”
“I don’t know Journee. What is the rumor, girl?”
“Well, one of Najah’s male friends is gay and he told Najah he saw her at the gay bar and asked her if it was me. He saw pictures of us from the graduation party on her Facebook page.”
“
Facebook?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“So how does he know y’all?”
“He doesn’t,” I replied. “He just recognized me from seeing her pictures on Facebook. Najah said he mentioned how cute our locs are, so that was the clue that stayed in his mind, I guess.”
“Oh Lord no. This is not happening to our family. She has always been close to your dad. I used to kid with him and say that was the son he never had, you know? They are very close. I should have known,” she said shouting in my ear. “They fish, go to the race tracks, golf, play dominos and she helps with the gardening.”
Right Before My Eyes Page 11