by Lindsey Hart
“It’s alright.” She sliced through the rest of the cucumber and started on the pepper. “I think, despite uh- well, how this lifestyle would be strange for most people, I’m sure I was happy. I know, somehow, that I chose you and I’m so incredibly glad that I did.” Her words made them both uncomfortable. She half wished she could take them back, but they hung in the air between them. Surely, he knew it already? She had a feeling, not just a memory, but from their collective conversations, that he knew nothing of how she felt. Even she had to relearn it, though she knew that the tenderness had been there from the first. “Do you even eat salad?”
Dallas hedged. “I guess so. Since you made it.” The faintest redness appeared on his cheeks.
Leena froze. He’s making an effort. He’s doing this for me. It’s for him too, but he’s here for me now. He doesn’t even like salad. Suddenly she knew that. She knew he detested it. Especially hated tomatoes, which she’d just added.
“I can make something else.”
“It’s fine.”
“Really I can.”
“Stop worrying.” Dallas actually smiled, a real smile that reached his eyes and Leena’s heart stopped mid-beat.
Whatever happened between them two nights ago, whatever had changed, he was different. It was like he’d finally given himself permission to move forward, or at least wanted to try. Or maybe this was just a good day when all the rest finally let up and he could just be himself.
“Do you want dressing?”
“No. I’ll just eat it as is. Get it over with.”
She dished out two bowls and brought one to Dallas. He took it and forced a few forkfuls into his mouth. He didn’t even make a face as he ate.
Leena sat close, but not close enough to intrude on his space. She put just enough distance between them to give herself the freedom to think. Instead, she just chewed. Chewed and enjoyed Dallas’ presence.
It wasn’t until she was almost done her salad that she had a flash of memory. She was sure that it was the first time Dallas had ever been in her apartment.
CHAPTER 12
Dallas
The next afternoon, when Leena appeared in the studio and asked him to join them for rehearsal, he knew he owed it to her. He knew that he was falling back into the pit that he couldn’t climb out of. That he was letting himself backslide, just when he thought he’d pulled himself out of it.
“I can’t right now,” he grumbled. He stared at the music he’d just written. The sheet was filled with scratchings, half of them hardly legible. With a growl, he grabbed up the piece of white paper, crumpled it and threw it down to the floor. “I’m in the middle of working.”
Leena sighed. She leaned up against the piano, so close that he could smell her sweet scented perfume. She knew he hated scent, that it made him nauseous, but she’s worn it anyway. He wondered if she even remembered. Likely not. He choked back his rage and the wicked words he wanted to hurl at her. She didn’t deserve it.
“Please, you promised. You said you would do this for me. We both agreed. It’s too late for me to find someone now. I’ve let you stay up here as long as I can. We’ve worked around your part.”
“There’s a stand-in, isn’t there?”
“An understudy? Of course, but that’s not the point. I want you to come. It’s not the same. At least not for me.” The last part of her statement was tacked on so quietly, he almost missed it. He didn’t dare glance up into those emerald eyes to see how disappointed she was. He could hear it in her voice.
“You should be used to this by now. You should be used to me not being what you need or want.” He put it out there and let the words fill up the room. A strangled noise was torn from Leena’s throat.
“You’re not a disappointment,” she said softly. Because everything was different, she gently set her hand on his shoulder. His muscles reacted, bunching violently under her hand. He didn’t pull away. Something wild and unharnessed, raw and frightening, stole into his stomach and flooded his chest. His blood felt like it was on fire. “I just need to know that you’re going to do this for me. I need you to promise that if you don’t come now, you’ll come to the final rehearsal and be there for opening night and the shows after. I can’t put your name on posters and have you not do a single show. Minnie would never forgive me. The cast would never forgive me.”
“And you would never forgive me?”
Leena sighed. She removed her hand and he finally felt like he could catch his breath. Whatever he’d been working on was completely forgotten.
“Of course, I would forgive you. You should know that by now. Even if I can’t remember, I know that I would never hold this against you or bring it up to hurt you. I know how hard this is for you and I appreciate everything you’ve done and all the changes you’ve made. I know how incredibly amazing you are. I just don’t think sometimes, that you know.”
“I…” Dallas didn’t have any words. His tongue felt tied in knots. He swallowed audibly. “You know, I do realize now, just how much you do for me. I… I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.” He hadn’t meant to say what he’d been thinking. He was so used to keeping his thoughts locked away. He studied his hands, which were curled silently over the piano’s keys. “I’m not even able to leave here. I wanted to… when you were hit by that car. I was afraid. I hated myself for my own weakness. I don’t deserve to have you here. I know you don’t fully remember or understand, but you’ve been there for me in the worst times and I… I can never tell you how much that means.” Because I didn’t even realize it until a few days ago.
“Oh, Dallas,” Leena whispered. She took a step forward but didn’t touch him again. “I can’t imagine how it would be to live like you do. With the fear and the anxiety and the panic and the mania, or whatever the music is.”
“I’ve used it as an escape and an excuse. I don’t want to go back to it, but I can’t help myself. I don’t know any other way. I need you to help me.”
“I… I don’t know how. Not really. Like I said, maybe I’ve done the wrong thing all these years. I’ve helped you the only way I knew how and maybe I wasn’t helping you at all.”
“You have. Truly.”
“I know that I’m the problem. I know that I need to see someone. A professional. I don’t want to just eat pills every day. I want to figure out how to live like- like normal people do.” He couldn’t even imagine it, a normal life. He’d been raised by his mother. She always knew he was gifted. When that gift turned dark and he’d dropped out of school, after sixth grade, she kept him home. He had a high school diploma, but only because he’d done the work by correspondence. It was simple, trivial stuff that he cared little for. He blew through it and finished by the time he was fourteen. He was able to concentrate on music after. His mother did what she could for him. And then, when it became too much, she paid someone to come to the house. They’d tried to sedate him, take him away. He’d run. Ran from the house and never come back. He was sixteen.
“I would never let someone come in here and hurt you,” Leena vowed. She blinked after, stunned at the vehemence of her tone. “I promise if you want help, we’ll find someone. Someone who will listen. Someone who has experience. I’m sure there are other ways and other methods.”
“I just need one rehearsal,” he promised, bringing them back to the reason Leena was even there. “I’ll be there when it matters. I just can’t- not today. I have to work. The music is too loud. It’s always so loud, but today, it’s deafening.”
Leena’s shoulders slumped in defeat. When he looked up, he saw the fire in her eyes, the passion and the confusion, her empathy and her care for him. She was worried. About him. About her play. Probably not about herself though. She always looked after herself last.
“Alright. We have two weeks. Just please, promise me. Swear to me that you’ll be there. Like I said, it’s way too late to get a lead and change posters if you have a change of heart. If you really don’t want to do it, tell me now a
nd Minnie and I will work our magic and find someone else.”
“I’ll do it.” I have to. For her. For all she’s done for me.
Leena nodded. “Okay. Do you need me to come back up here and help you after? Sing? Write?”
“No, but I would like a sandwich.” It took her a second to realize he was joking. Her face broke into a luminous smile. She was so radiant it almost hurt to look at her. Dallas slowly averted his eyes, back to his hands on the keys.
“I can do that. Give me a couple hours?”
“You know that I wouldn’t care if it took days.”
She made a noise in her throat that informed him she wasn’t happy about that. “Hours. At most. You need to take care of yourself. That’s half the battle. Sleep and eat and you’ll be surprised at how much better you feel.”
Again, she moved and reached out. She set her hand on his shoulder for the second time and squeezed gently. She withdrew just as quickly. He didn’t miss the way her eyes flicked to her palm, as though it was on fire or as though he’d sent a shockwave up her arm. He knew because he felt it too. The slow and steady burn spread out from the place she’d touched and warmed the rest of his body. He was as unfamiliar with the sensation as he was with dealing with any other kind of human interaction.
Leena silently backed away before she turned and left. She closed the door quietly behind her. The silence of the room was everything he needed to work. Alone once again, his hands should have found a rhythm, he should have resumed playing back the unending melody that was always heavy on his mind.
Instead, he sat in silence, savoring the strangeness of Leena’s touch. His body still buzzed, hummed with a wild energy that he knew nothing about. He’d never felt any such thing with Hannah, but she’d never touched him, and he’d never touched her. What was Leena doing to him? Was it normal to feel completely tied up in knots inside? The heaviness in his groin told him it wasn’t. He knew what attraction was. He knew what physical craving was. Just because he hadn’t often indulged in the past, didn’t mean he was a saint.
He sat, confused as to the timing. Why now, after years? Why would he just start noticing Leena as a woman when she’d always been that way. She was always pretty, he knew. He just hadn’t felt anything before.
Because I didn’t let myself.
Dallas took a long inhale and let it out on an even longer exhale. He found, as he gave himself permission to feel, to notice, to just be, that he felt and noticed a whole lot of things he hadn’t taken the time to see before.
It made him feel vulnerable, like he’d been cut open and his insides were on display for everyone to see. He’d never bothered to dissect his feelings before. He hated that he had a heart and that it had been broken. He hated that he’d fallen in love with a woman who had left him long before she’d ever given him a chance.
It felt like he was slowly coming alive for the first time in years, and god, it hurt.
Before the sensation could spread any further, could cut him up inside and cause any more pain, he threw himself back into the music. Though it was dark, and he often wished it would just be silent, it had been, and always would be, his refuge.
CHAPTER 13
Leena
By the time their dress rehearsal rolled around, Leena had pretty much given up hope of Dallas showing up. She’d spoken with Minnie about finding someone. Of course, it was too late. That left their understudy, Allan Frost. He had filled in for Dallas during every single run through. She fully expected that he was going to have to do it again, that Dallas would break his promises and leave her grasping at air. Right when she’d just about given up hope and was about to call Allan in for the start of their final rehearsal, Dallas walked on stage.
He just showed up, dressed in costume as if it was a normal afternoon. Those already assembled on stage gaped at him open-mouthed.
Leena couldn’t help but stare either. The musical was set in a seaside village in Italy in the early seventeenth century. He wore the traditional tunic of a citizen from that era. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. He was glorious. There really was no other word for it. Though his skin wasn’t bronzed from being out in the sun, he was still over six feet tall and fit. It finally dawned on her that he must work out in his rooms. There was really no other explanation for those broad shoulders and chest, the narrow waist, and legs that rippled with muscle. His blonde hair was tied back with a leather strip or lace. He was freshly shaved, and she imagined that if she breathed in next to him, she’d smell the spicy scent of aftershave.
She spun and caught a few of the female cast eyeing up Dallas. A jolt of wicked jealousy ripped through her. She swallowed hard and turned back around. Their gazes locked. Dallas had eyes only for her. She didn’t look half as amazing in her own costume, but her breasts were defined, as were her hips and narrow waist, her own long legs. Her cascading hair was done up with pearls and gold olive leaves. She had on her stage makeup and she knew she was at least pretty, if not beautiful.
The spark in his eyes caught her off guard. His eyes glowed with appreciation and suddenly she felt like it was just the two of them standing there, that everything else and everyone else had faded away.
Someone coughed behind her and the spell was broken. Leena swallowed hard to clear her bone-dry throat. “I guess we should get started.”
It was all the encouragement the cast needed. People sprang to action around her and soon everyone was ready to begin.
Though Dallas hadn’t been to a single rehearsal, he was flawless. Effortless. He was incredible. He owned the stage like he’d been living on it his entire life. He wasn’t at all uncertain or tense. Leena felt far more nervous than he did. She was nervous for him, for herself, for them.
The musical was unique amongst all of Dallas’ works in that it was just piano. There was not a single other instrument featured. Though it had been written years before, written and kept secret, it was undoubtedly his best work.
The rehearsal progressed, Dallas’ voice and presence taking them all to another place, another world, another time, just as he did any time he sat down at a piano or picked up any other instrument. His voice was his own instrument, as true a gift as his incredible talent for playing and writing.
As the final scene neared, Leena’s apprehension grew. Her chest felt like it was going to explode as she watched Dallas climb the stairs hidden behind the cliff they had created. He neared the top and didn’t look back.
In his works, he had written the two leads, Markus and Giselle, with tragic endings. Their backstory was that he had seen her as a young woman and waited almost a decade for her to grow to maturity. He was a soldier in that time and when he came home, she’d waited for him and when he asked her to be his bride, she agreed. They were all set for their happy ending, about to be married, when she fell ill. He sat by her side in her family’s home for five days and nights. He finally drifted off beside her bed and he woke to her mother keening and her father wailing in grief. She had died in the night. Markus left the house, distraught. He didn’t want to live if she wasn’t alive. Life was meaningless without his beloved. He left, walked to the coast where a cliff overlooked the Mediterranean Sea. He was about to hurl himself off onto the rocks below, where he’d either be broken and killed on impact or he’d let himself drown. All he wanted to do was go back to a world where Giselle was. He’d find her in death if he had to.
When she changed it, she had to give Markus and Giselle the ending they deserved, the happiness they never had in real life. Even though she knew what those characters symbolized, a love that he had for a woman who was not her, she did it for him, at the height of his despair, to show him there was still hope. She did it because she loved him, and her own wounded heart couldn’t stand to see him bleed.
“Markus!” Leena rushed on stage, panting as though she’d just run a great distance. “Stop!”
Dallas whirled, away from the cliff edge. He stared at her, eyes wide, as though truly seeing the love he
thought dead. “Giselle?” His eyes burned with a flame that came right from his heart, as though he really was seeing what he thought was a ghost.
“Yes, my love! Come down! Please, I beg you!”
Dallas stood there, staring at her, breathing raggedly. His eyes never left her face. She couldn’t read the emotion there, because it was too much. His eyes, normally shuttered, were open pools of emotion. They were so deep and raw it was painful to look at them.
And then finally, he turned away. He flew, his footsteps silent even on metal stairs. Leena ran towards him and they met on stage. His strong, warm hands gripped the bare skin of her arms and Leena shivered violently. She couldn’t look away. There were tears streaming down Dallas’ cheeks and she realized she was crying as well. It must look, to the other cast, like a very well-trained actress and a man who had come out of nowhere with such skill it was astounding. They knew nothing of the private world Dallas and Leena were locked in. They knew nothing of the pain of years and years of loss, of waiting, of hoping, of a love long unreturned.
“I thought you were dead!” Dallas’ voice broke and when he looked down at her it was like he was seeing her for the first time in his life.
Does he see me or does he see a past he wishes he could have? Does he wish I was Hannah, truly back here, with him at last? Or is it me he’s touching? Is he playing a part or is this as real for him as it is for me?
“No! No, my love. I was only deep in sleep. So deep my family couldn’t feel or see my breath.”
“You were sick. You died. I saw it myself… My world….”
“No, Markus. I’m here!” Leena twined her arms around his neck. His skin was warm, his muscle sleek and solid under her fingertips. His hair was like silk. She wanted to weep at the touch. She’d never touched him like this, with all her love and passion seeping from her body into his. “I’ll always be here. I promise you. I won’t leave you behind. I was so deep in the blackness, in the sleep and I fought. I struggled, but I couldn’t wake. When I finally came out of it, my family thought they were seeing a ghost, like I’d risen from the dead.”