by Lindsey Hart
“Because anyone can write music.”
“I didn’t even think…”
“It’s alright. I could have told you, but I didn’t. It honestly would have been fine if I never played again. And you were always there. We made a good team after that. You would play and I would sing and we would write together. I was so excited when we’d send it away and people would rave over it. I’d do your accounting and I was amazed at what people paid for your work. I cleaned up for you-”
“You had to clean me up a couple times too. Lord, Leena, I’m so sorry…”
Her eyes softened further. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to. I cared about you on so many levels. I knew that I- that I loved you, but it was more than that. I cared about how you felt and what you thought and that you were well and healthy. I tried to do what I could and if helping you shower after it had been a few days-”
“Weeks.”
“A few weeks then, or shaving you or getting you dressed-”
“A child could have cared for himself better than I could. I still can’t.”
Leena’s fingers moved, going back to massaging his scalp, combing out his long hair. “You need something. I wanted to be enough, but I know it’s not about me. What you have inside of you, you need to talk to someone. I know we talked about it before. We can find a doctor or someone who understands better than I do. If you truly want to get better and stop having… episodes, then you need to reach out.”
“I don’t know where to start,” he said thickly. He couldn’t keep the fear out of his voice. “What if they try and put me somewhere?”
“This isn’t the eighteen hundreds. I’ve promised you before and I’ll swear it again, I would never let that happen. I’m your wife and they would have to listen to me. I would even go with you if you wanted me to.”
“I can’t go out. You know that.”
“We talked about that too. We could start small.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready…”
“Would you talk to someone though, if I found the right person? If you don’t like them, I could try again. This is about you. It’s about trying to help you, if you truly want it to stop.”
“The music? I can’t. I can’t let it stop. As afraid as I am of it every time it comes back, it’s worse to think of it not being there. I don’t want to live my life in a fog. That’s all those pills do.”
“Maybe you don’t need pills. There are natural methods. Meditation. Acupuncture. I don’t even know what else, but I’ll figure it out if you want me to.”
He knew she’d said as much before. She was telling him again, gently assuring him as though they’d never had the conversation.
“Before today I would have asked you why. Why you’ve spent half your life trying to help me. Trying to make my life better at an obvious detriment to you. I had my eyes so tightly shut. I’m sorry. I can never tell you how sorry I am for all the times I’ve been rude to you. For all the times I’ve probably hurt you.”
“You’ve never hurt me. I stayed because I wanted to. I knew what I was signing up for. My parents were livid when I told them I was marrying you. I’d lied to them. I said that I had a good job where I was playing piano and learning, writing music. Maybe one day I’d even have my name on it. Maybe I’d be something. I made them believe this was just another step in getting to where I wanted to be.”
“Your name.” He chose to pick that out. “I never once told you not to put your name on that music.”
“I know.” Her blue eyes blazed with feeling. “I just didn’t want to. The music was yours. Sometimes I just helped you get it out.”
“You could have taken my money. You always had access to my accounts. You could have taken what you knew was yours.”
Leena stilled. They both thought of that horrible day, that horrible fight, that had led to her getting hit by that car.
“The money never mattered. I wasn’t living at home and my parents paid for my apartment. They wanted me to focus on music, or at least, my mother did. I was learning. I don’t think I truly lied to them about what I was doing, I just shaded the truth, slanted it in a way my mom wanted to hear it.”
“They didn’t come to the hospital.” Shame washed over him. “Neither did I. I wanted to… despite what I said when you confronted me. I wanted to come. I just… couldn’t.”
She turned and stared at him. Her eyes were soft. “I know. We’ve been over that so many times. We don’t have to talk about it again. I have my memory back now. I understand. I’m sorry I kept asking you why. I was so confused and hurt.”
They were silent for a while. Leena’s hand resumed the pattern she was tracing through his hair. Finally, he spoke again, breaking the stillness.
“When you first approached me about building this place and doing this, about living here, about being partners in a way, I actually liked the idea. It made it easy for me to just- live the way I was living. I wanted you then, even before I could admit it or see it. I didn’t want to be alone. You were a part of my life. I couldn’t let you go.”
Her hand stilled. She let out a long breath that could have been a sigh, but her inhale sounded more like a gasp.
“When you asked me to marry you, I thought it was just an arrangement that worked for both of us. Even before we set out parameters, it was obvious. It was to help you and help me create this place. I had access to your accounts. I could choose my own destiny after that. I made all the decisions about this place. I still do. You gave me that freedom. I love what I do. I… it gave me a way to be close to you and that meant everything to me.”
“And your parents disowned you.”
“Yes.” She nodded slowly. Her features hardened, revealing nothing. “They did. When I told them I was marrying you they were amazed. I mean, my mother knew your name. She knew you were a tremendous talent. It came out of nowhere. They didn’t even know I had any contact with you since Hannah died. It wasn’t you. My mother was actually in favor of the idea because of what you meant to the world of music. It was me. I told them what I was going to be doing for a living. Putting on plays and musicals. She thought it was a waste of my talent. It wasn’t what she wanted.”
“But it’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t change anything in my life. I love this. I love what we’ve built together.” Her cheeks reddened, and she looked away. “I wouldn’t change anything now,” she amended softly.
Leena shifted so that she was on his level, their faces an inch apart. Her soft smile curling up her lips, her little breaths, her beautiful radiance, he couldn’t resist kissing her again. He did so softly, gently, more an exploration of everything he had never taken the time to know or savor.
The kiss changed, deepened, passion bringing them together once more. Dallas slammed his eyes shut. He dared to hope that things really could be different, that he could walk through life with his eyes wide open. That Leena’s hope for him wasn’t misplaced, that all her years spent with him weren’t wasted, but he knew it wasn’t that easy. He knew that he’d hurt her before and that he would again and that everything was different now. He felt like it was only a matter of time before he shattered their carefully built life and then he’d be where he was at the start… completely and utterly alone.
CHAPTER 17
Leena
“Where the hell is Dallas?”
Leena started. She’d drifted off into a world of her own thoughts as Cindy Valeria finished up her makeup. She turned in the chair to find Minnie standing behind her, hands on hips, a worried look creasing her brow.
“He’ll be here. He promised me.”
“Why isn’t he here for makeup then, like everyone else?” Minnie sighed in impatience. “I swear, Leena, I told you that this was a terrible idea. Dallas isn’t an actor. He isn’t trained for the stage and even the best of us get nervous…”
“No. This isn’t going to be like that. He’ll be here in a few minutes or I’ll go get him
and bring him down. Don’t worry, Minnie, we aren’t going to have to refund the entire house.”
“We better not have to. What a nightmare that would be. People are coming to see you. You and this bizarre mystery of Dallas. People aren’t stupid. I’ve had more than one person question the fact that he’s going to be playing the lead alongside you. People know Dallas’ name. He’s quite famous. It looks weird.”
“What it looks like is intriguing,” Leena corrected gently. She hoped her face didn’t betray her own doubts. The truth was, Dallas should have been there by now. He should have been there twenty minutes ago, like she was. “The place is sold out. Every single show is sold out. People do know who Dallas is and he’s half the reason they’re coming.”
The rest of the cast situated nearby having their makeup done carefully tried to pretend that they weren’t paying any attention to the conversation going on around them. Minnie finally had to give in, since Leena sat stoic and silent and it was obvious she wasn’t going to discuss it further. With a shake of her head, Minnie rushed off to see to whatever last minute details needed her attention.
Leena waited. People came and went. The buzz backstage grew as the show time neared. Leena knew without looking that it was a full house. She understood Minnie’s fear. As an owner, it was her name on the line as well as her livelihood. She cared too, what people thought about Dallas. The theatre was theirs, together, their joint venture, whatever his reasons for entering into it.
Leena was just finishing up makeup and getting into costume when Minnie came rushing back. Judging from the scowl on her face, it was clear that she wasn’t happy.
“Dallas still isn’t here!”
“I’ll find him.” Leena shrugged on the rest of her robe. She tried very hard not to remember what had happened the last time she wore it, only a few days ago. She’d washed it of course, but it was still the same costume and it brought back all the feeling and memory of that afternoon, an afternoon that had extended well into the night and the morning. The hours spent with Dallas had been the best hours of her life.
“Please, do it fast. Lord, if we have to-”
“Relax, Minnie, this isn’t any different than anything else. We have an understudy. He can play the part.”
Minnie’s hair flew wildly as she shook her head. “No, he can’t. We both know that. It wouldn’t be the same. You said people came to see Dallas and that’s the truth. If all they get is an understudy, you can bet the reviews will be in the tank and the complaints will come rolling in. You told me yourself that you and Dallas wrote this together. I know how much this means to you. It wouldn’t be right if Dallas isn’t here. And you wouldn’t be the same. You wouldn’t be convincing.”
“Still-” There was absolutely nothing Leena could say to refute Minnie’s statement. They both knew it was true. It went so much deeper than the play. So much deeper.
“We all saw that kiss. Every single person here. Leena, I’ve never seen anyone look at you the way Dallas did at that moment. And he… you both just up and left after. The entire cast was in shock.”
“I hope you made some good excuses,” Leena mumbled, face heating up.
Minnie couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “I’ll tell you what they were when we have more time. Now, go find Dallas. Like I said, this isn’t going to be the same without him and I know that you’ve been waiting your entire life for this moment.”
Leena wanted to ask Minnie how exactly she knew, but she supposed, after that kiss, everyone knew. It was obvious that something had changed. That everything was different.
Lifting her robe, Leena took off on bare feet. She ran through the backstage area, past dressing rooms, hair and makeup, costumes, sets and all the other regular theatre trappings she was so used to seeing she barely even noticed any longer. She sprinted down the hall and up the stairs that led to the second story. When she finally reached Dallas’ door she was out of breath.
She raised a shaking hand and gripped the knob, expecting it to turn. It didn’t. It was locked. Locked. For the first time, Dallas had locked her out of the room they so often made music in together.
“Dallas!” Leena yelled. She balled her hand into a tight fist and pounded at the door. “You can’t lock me out. Get out here and face me if you’re not planning on going through with this. You can’t hide away. Not this time. I’m not going to let you.”
She waited, breath trapped in her lungs. Every single heartbeat felt like another hour. She already knew that Dallas wasn’t going to let her in and he certainly wasn’t going to come out. He knew, he knew how much this meant to her and the fact that he was going to turn her down… Leena didn’t even know what to think.
Not after what they’d shared. Not after that rehearsal. Why? Why couldn’t he have just refused to play the role in the first place? Why did he have to give her hope? Why did he have to start opening himself up if he was just going to slam every single door closed in her face.
“Dallas!” Leena screamed. She wasn’t proud of herself when she resorted to pummeling the door. She even gave it a few good kicks, which only made her bare feet sting. She cursed under her breath and was about to turn away when the door actually broke open an inch.
Dallas stuck his head out and it was painfully obvious that he wasn’t in a good state. He looked like he hadn’t slept in months. His hair was a knotted mess. He hadn’t shaved and the black circles under his eyes were so deep they actually made his eyes look sunken in, like skeletal sockets. His clothing hung on his frame, his plaid shirt wrinkled and buttoned up wrong. His jeans were dirty and stained, like he’d pulled them out of some horrible corner and shrugged them on without even realizing what he was doing.
“Dallas?” Leena’s mouth fell open. “What the hell? You were just… we were just… two days ago. I’ve been too busy to check in on you, but I thought you were fine. You were the best I’ve ever seen you. I thought that you wanted to get past this. That we had talked about maybe even getting help… god, do you even know that our show is tonight? In less than an hour?”
He shrugged. He stared out at her, seeing nothing, looking past her.
There were some moments in life that changed a person forever. A breaking point. Leena knew, right then, that she couldn’t take another minute. She’d had so much hope. She’d given Dallas her trust, her heart, her everything, for half of her life and what did she have to show for it? Nothing. Absolutely no progress. Worse, he played her. He didn’t even see her standing there, the woman who was his wife, the woman who had just confessed her love to him and poured out her heart and soul.
She sighed hard. “Look, Dallas, the play doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters… I only have one question,” she whispered raggedly. He stared at her, uncomprehending, his eyes haunted and soulless. She waited. She knew she shouldn’t ask. “Do you love me? Do you love me at all? In any way?” Her words hung in the air between them, thick and palpable and she wished she could steal them back, ram them back in her mouth and swallow them back to the broken-hearted place they’d come from.
Dallas’ hand on the edge of the door tightened. His knuckles turned white. Leena wouldn’t have even seen it had she not intrinsically known to look.
“I… I don’t know-” He stumbled back a pace. His hand fell away. The door hung open, gaping like a cavernous wound.
The blow of those words hit her right in the heart. They lacerated her. She couldn’t just stand there gaping, fighting off a deluge of tears, endless pain, a broken, bleeding heart.
“Then… then I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye, Dallas.” Leena backed away from the door, amazed that she could even force her feet to move. They felt wooden, like blocks nailed to the floor. She broke free anyway, whirled and ran blindly. She didn’t know where she was going. She just had to get out of there. Anywhere but that building, that building that was her home for so very long. Anywhere, as long as she was away from Dallas. Away from herself, her aching, shattering, bleeding heart
.
Leena burst out the back door of the theatre. She’d rarely ever used it. She didn’t stop to think that it was the same door she’d used the day of her accident. She rushed across the same street, hardly bothering to look. Luckily this time there was no traffic. No car to throw her over the hood. No blackness, no waking up in the hospital.
She almost wished there was. She would have given just about anything for a second’s respite from the pain twisting her chest into a vortex of despair. If someone had driven a dagger into her chest or run her down in the street, it couldn’t have been any more painful than knowing, finally, unequivocally, that she was alone. All her hopes, her dreams, her love, her sacrifice, meant absolutely nothing at all.
It hurt even more for the fact that she’d given Dallas her body blindly. She’d finally started to hope, to truly believe, that there might be a breakthrough. She’d dared to think that she could be loved in return and it hurt, that stealing of hope, that crushing of her dreams.
“Leena!”
The sound of her name carried across the street, on the wind, into the biting cold that she only just noticed. She realized she was wearing nothing but a gauzy robe and the wind was ice. Her skin was chilled, frozen. She shivered violently as she noticed the frigid temperature.
“Leena!”
Her name reached her again and she whirled. It sounded so much like Dallas’ voice. Strained and high pitched, struggling to get out, forced from the most fearful part of his own soul. But that was ridiculous. Dallas didn’t venture out. He would never leave the theatre…
Leena turned slowly. So very slowly it felt like her every action took a thousand years to complete. It is him. Dallas was there, struggling across the street towards the alley she was standing in, sheltered between two tall buildings. His head turned wildly, side to side, back to front, as though something was chasing him, the hounds of hell nipping at his heels. His eyes were wild, the whites vivid, wide and terrified like a spooked horse.