“That’s not a good idea,” she murmured, pulling her hand away.
I didn’t let it show how much it stung that she had pulled away from me. After all the bullshit that I had put her through over the years, she was allowed to be cautious now. I just needed a little time to show her that I was in this for the long haul.
Reaching out, I brushed a few stray locks of her blonde hair back from her face. “I want you with me so I know you’re safe. So I know that you’re resting and not working yourself to death, doing whatever the hell it is all the other women are doing. You’ve been going nonstop lately, and you need a break.”
“People aren’t going to like that I’m in your room, Raider. I’m not in the mood to deal with those people.”
I knew she was talking about her sisters, but those bitches didn’t mean anything to me.
“I don’t care what anyone likes or doesn’t. They don’t matter to me.” I brushed my thumb over her soft cheek. “All I care about is you. Only you, sweetheart.”
She sat there for a long moment, just looking at me. Another car pulled into the parking lot, stopping beside us. I didn’t have to look to know it was Colt and Kelli in the other woman’s car. They had left the hospital before us, but had gone to pick up the women a few things they would need for at least a few days.
I wasn’t optimistic that this new lockdown would be over as quickly as the last one had. Last time, Santino’s people had only wanted to distract us while they snatched Gracie. This time, they were out for blood.
They had almost gotten it, too. My arm was still feeling the burn of the graze it had gotten from a bullet earlier.
“Quinn, please?” I wasn’t above begging her, but I wouldn’t force her. I needed her to come with me willingly. To trust me.
She glanced out the side window at Colt as he climbed out of his girlfriend’s car. “I could stay with Kelli in Colt’s room,” she suggested. “You and Colt could share yours.”
“Is that really what you want?”
Her shoulders lifted then fell with her breath. “I don’t know what I want any more.”
I cupped the back of her neck and gently turned her head so that she had to look at me. “Sleep in my room with me. Nothing will happen you aren’t ready for. I swear it, baby. Just … Fuck, I need to have you lying beside me. I need to know you and our baby are safe. I won’t ask anything else of you but that.”
She exhaled softly. “Okay. We can give it a try for tonight.”
“Thank you, baby.” Leaning forward, I pressed a kiss to her temple. “Thank you.”
Colt rapped his knuckles on her window, making her draw away from me when he opened her door and offered his hand. “Everything okay?”
She nodded. “We were just discussing the sleeping arrangements. I … I think I’m going to stay in Raider’s room tonight.”
My brother shot me a hard look across the top of the car as I got out, though his words were directed at her when he said, “If that’s what you want, Quinnie.”
She put a hand on his arm, and I had to ball my hands into fists. I wasn’t so much jealous of them as possibly being a couple—although there was always a chance of that happening, I guessed. No, it had more to do with how close they were. How trusting she was in my little brother. I wanted that with her almost as much as I wanted her to still love me.
“It is.”
“Okay, then. I’ll put your bag in his room.” He kissed the top of her head. “But if you need anything, I’m just across the hall.”
In the clubhouse, everyone was quietly milling around, unusual for this large mass of people in one place. Those who were talking kept their voices low so they didn’t carry far.
As I walked in with my arm on Quinn’s waist, Aggie left a group of people and headed straight for us. “Quinn, thank God you’re okay.” She hugged Quinn for a long moment. When she pulled back, the old woman had tears in her eyes while glaring at me. “I told you to keep her safe.”
“I tried, Ag.”
“Try harder!” she snapped. I knew if she’d had a wooden spoon in her hand. she would have used it on me.
“Hey, Aggie, can you help me make some sandwiches?” Flick called from across the room. “I think everyone is hungry.”
Aggie gave me another hard look before walking away to help her.
I shot my future sister-in-law a grim smile in thanks, and she tipped her head in acknowledgement as she went through the kitchen door.
As I turned back to Quinn to ask if she was ready to call it a night, I felt her stiffen beside me. Her face had been pale all evening, but right then, her cheeks flushed almost crimson as her baby blues narrowed.
Glancing around for the source of why she suddenly looked like she was ready to punch someone in the throat, it didn’t take me long.
Whitney was heading our way, her own blue eyes narrowed and shooting daggers at Quinn. Behind her, Heather and Amanda followed, appearing nervous rather than set on causing the trouble Whitney probably thought I would let her get away with.
She was only a few feet away when I put myself between her and Quinn. I had stayed quiet earlier that day because I figured her sisters only wanted attention, which was usually why they went into Aggie’s to bother Quinn. Now I was too tired to care what their reasons were. I was done with them, and Hell would freeze over before I let a single one of them touch so much as a hair on my girl’s head.
“Back the fuck up,” I snarled, stopping Whitney in her tracks. “If you try to touch Quinn, your days of being a part of this clubhouse are over.”
Her bottom lip pouted out as she lifted a hand to touch my chest. “What’s wrong, Raider baby? Do you need one of my special blowjobs to help you unwind?”
I knocked her hand away, backing up a step to put more distance between us. Hell, what had I ever found so appealing about this bitch and her clones? Other than the fact that they looked similar enough to Quinn to let me pretend that it was her I was fucking in the dark, there really wasn’t much these three had going on for them.
“Don’t touch me,” I snapped at her. “I’m not yours to touch.”
Pink filled her cheeks. It was probably the first time she had ever blushed in her life. “You never used to mind,” she mumbled, looking around to see if anyone was watching us. The whole damn clubhouse was watching, making the pink in her cheeks darken.
Behind me, I felt Quinn shift and move away. “I’m tired. I think I’m going to go to bed.”
“Okay, baby, I’ll come with you.” I turned away from Whitney, putting her and everyone else out of my mind.
Quinn couldn’t hide her surprise as she looked up at me. “You don’t have to. I’m sure you have other things to do.”
I did. Bash was waiting on me and Colt for church up in his office. But he could wait until I got Quinn settled.
“You’re more important,” I told her honestly.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Whitney grumbled from behind me.
I didn’t pay her any attention. That was all she wanted, anyway. To pull my attention from her sister and on herself. Never again.
I touched my hand to the small of Quinn’s back, urging her in the direction of my room.
As soon as we were behind the closed door, she seemed to relax, her breath leaving her on a soft sigh.
She moved toward the bed, where Colt had already put her bag. She seemed so tired that each step she took looked like an effort. Once she sunk down onto the mattress, she looked like she could have fallen asleep then and there.
I crossed the room and crouched down in front of her. Lifting one foot, I pulled her shoe off, then her sock. Once both pairs were gone, I straightened and opened the case Kelli had packed for her. However, when I examined the contents, I didn’t find anything for her to sleep in. Either Kelli had forgotten, or my girl liked to sleep naked.
My body responded to the mental picture of Quinn in my bed without any clothes on. That was a fantasy come to life. If I was
going to keep my promise of only holding her at night, though, it would be a hell of a lot easier to accomplish if she was covered up.
I went to the dresser that my TV was set on and pulled out one of my old Hannigans’ shirts. Going back to her, I helped her stand then carefully undressed her. Her baby blues were wide, but she didn’t stop me as I tugged her jeans down her legs. Once she was standing there in nothing but her bra and panties, I let myself enjoy the view, but only for a second.
Fuck. Every inch of her was pure perfection. Her lean hips, that tiny waist, her breasts that had fit my hands as if they were made for me to worship. She was so beautiful, so incredibly gorgeous that it hurt to breathe from looking at her.
And she was all mine.
The fact that she was carrying my baby only made her that much more beautiful to me. The baby, as shocked as I still was about finding out about it, was starting to grow on me in a big way. I didn’t know how good of a father I would be, but I would do my damnedest to make sure it was loved and provide for.
“Raider?” Quinn shivered and wrapped her arms around her waist. “Are you okay? You have this really weird look on your face.”
I swallowed roughly and gave her the best smile I could muster right then, even though a million new emotions were racing through me and filling my chest nearly to a bursting point. “I can’t believe I wasted so much time. You could have been mine for years now, but I wouldn’t open my fucking eyes. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
“Please don’t say things like that.” Tears filled her eyes, and she pulled away, turning her back on me. “I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.”
I hated the distance she was putting between us, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. I could feel doors closing on me, could feel her drifting farther and farther away from me.
I reached out for her, pulling her around to face me so she could see my face and know that I was speaking from my gut. “What do you want me to say, then, Quinn? Tell me, baby. Tell me, and I’ll say the words. Please help me, because I feel like I’m losing you.”
She tried to pull away, her eyes leaking tears. “I don’t want you to say anything. Don’t you understand that you can’t lose me, because I was never yours to begin with?” She tried to lower her lashes to hide what was in her eyes, yet she couldn’t hide the pain in her voice. “For years, you tried to drive that truth home to me, and I finally saw the light. You should be relieved.”
Her pain hit me like an iron fist to the chest. I didn’t know how to fix what I had spent so long attempting to break. Not for the first time, I wanted to hit rewind and do it all over with her.
“I’m not relieved, baby. Not even a little.” I cupped her neck with both hands, tipping her chin up with my thumbs. She kept her lashes lowered, refusing to let me in. “I’m an idiot. I know that now. Only a stupid idiot would have let the girl who owns his heart, his fucking soul, go like I did. You tried to show me repeatedly what kind of happiness I could have with you, but I was too much of a chicken shit to open my eyes. I don’t know how to tell you I’m sorry any more than I know how to fix it, but please give me the chance to show you that I’ve changed. Let me show you that I will spend the rest of my life loving you.”
She stumbled back, her lashes lifting, showing how shocked she was by what I had just said to her. “That is not funny. Take it back. Take it back right now,” she commanded angrily.
I shook my head. “No. I can’t, and I won’t. I love you, Quinn. I probably always have.”
“You really like to hurt me, don’t you?”
I closed my eyes, locking in the tears that were suddenly blinding me because I was unable to figure out the right thing to say to her. I couldn’t lose her. “I only want to love you and take care of you, baby.”
Chapter 25
Quinn
He was tearing me apart with each word that left his mouth. How many times had I dreamed of something like this? How many damn times had I ached for words just like the ones leaving him right then?
Too many.
I had been a blind fool who couldn’t see the reality of how hopeless it was to love a man who didn’t love me back. Now that my eyes were wide open where Raider was concerned, he was telling me everything I had always wanted to hear. It wasn’t fair. Why did he have to torture me like this? This game was too much to handle.
“Quinn, please.” His voice was rough, and it took me a moment to realize why. He was close to tears. That realization stopped my heart. “Have mercy on me, sweetheart. I feel like I’m drowning without you.”
A lump filled my throat when he opened his eyes and I saw that I hadn’t been mistaken. There were tears in his eyes.
“I need you more than I ever thought was possible to need anyone. Without you …” He sucked in a harsh inhale and shook his head. “I don’t even feel like my heart is beating.”
“Raider,” I breathed his name, my heart clenching when the first tear spilled over his lashes.
“You own me, baby. You own me.” He lowered his head, and his shoulders began to shake. “I don’t know when it happened, probably when I was trying so hard to pretend like I didn’t care about you. It snuck up on me and scared the fuck out of me.” He looked up at me then, not caring to show me that he was so openly crying now. “My heart is yours. I belong to you.”
I lurched back, trying desperately to deny his words. “I … I don’t belong to you. Maybe I did once, but not anymore.”
Raider’s body jerked as if I had physically hit him. “I don’t believe that, and deep down, neither do you. The love you feel for me can’t just be turned off, baby. Trust me; I know, because I tried to turn it off while I was gone. I tried so fucking hard, but I quickly realized that I didn’t want to. Not anymore. I’m tired of fighting what I feel for you. It takes too much energy to fight fate, when what I really want to be doing is loving you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, still refusing to let his words penetrate the walls I had set up around my heart. But they were finding all the cracks that I had missed and slowly crumbling it a little at a time.
“How do you know if you really love me or not? For so long, you made sure I knew you didn’t care at all about me, and suddenly you realize you love me? Can’t you see how crazy that sounds?”
“Fuck, I know how crazy it sounds. I know how crazy it feels, too.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away his tears, only for more to fall. “But it’s the truth, Quinn. I love you.”
My breath caught in my chest, making it impossible to inhale. It was pure madness to believe him, but my heart was aching so badly, wanting to do just that.
“I … I don’t—”
A knock on the door had him moving quickly. He picked up the shirt he had pulled from his top dresser drawer and put it on me, as if I was some helpless child who couldn’t dress herself. But it was nice, I admitted, as he smoothed his hands down my arms, so achingly tender without him seeming to realize he was even doing it. The way he had undressed me earlier, how tender he had been … how loving he had been.
Raider lowered his head and pressed his lips to the center of my forehead, then stepped back when a tap on the bedroom door came again. “I have to go to church. Don’t go anywhere while I’m gone.”
I slowly nodded. “Okay.”
“Promise me,” he commanded in a rough voice.
“I said okay,” I muttered grumpily, trying to hide all the chaos my mind and emotions were in right then.
He sighed, but stepped back. “Sleep, baby. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Raider turned and left me, locking the door behind him, but I couldn’t seem to move.
This day had been beyond chaotic. It felt like it had lasted a week rather than less than twenty-four hours. Every muscle in my body ached, my head was clouded with everything Raider had just said to me, on top of a million other things.
Sleep, he had said. Sleep was what I so desperately needed. Maybe if I closed my
eyes, I would wake up in the morning and find this had all just been a really bad dream.
Moving slowly, I closed the overnight case Kelli had packed for me then set it on the floor at the end of the bed before pulling down the blankets on the mattress. The sudden urge to pee had me changing directions, and I went into the bathroom to take care of business.
After washing my hands, I took my bra off, pulling it through one of the sleeves before hanging it over the top of the shower. Then I turned off the lights on the way back into the bedroom. Finally, I crawled into Raider’s bed, and as my head hit the pillow, I was already falling asleep.
Chapter 26
Raider
Bash’s office upstairs was overflowing with my MC brothers by the time Colt and I got up there for church. I tried to turn off what had just happened in my room, to focus on what needed to be done with the Italian, but all I could think about was Quinn. The way she had so forcefully refused to believe anything I had tried to tell her told its own story of the damages I had done to her heart over the years.
I could only hope that I could repair them.
Pushing our way into the room, Colt and I found two open spots in front of the pres’s desk and took them. Bash was on his feet, along with Hawk, who was the new VP. He was why Fontana was out for blood, but I couldn’t blame him even for a second for what had happened earlier. If what had happened to Gracie had happened to Quinn, I would have done the exact fucking thing.
“I want everyone’s eyes open, twenty-four seven,” Bash was saying now, his cool, metallic blue eyes scanning over every single MC member. “This is war now. Fontana has declared it loud and clear by shooting up Quinn’s house. He’s trying to hit us where we are the weakest, and that means attacking our women.”
“Let’s let Raven loose on them,” Uncle Chaz said with a rough chuckle, trying to ease some of the tension in the room. “That girl will fuck them up so badly they will be crying for their mommas.”
That had most of the others laughing along, and even Bash was fighting a smile, but I couldn’t find the energy to do, either. My body might have been in there with all my brothers, but my head and my heart were downstairs with Quinn.
Angel's Halo: Atonement (Angel's Halo MC Book 5) Page 17