by J. Daniels
I gripped his shoulders. “It’s okay,” I said, trying to summon a smile. “I’ll just take him on my way to work, and he can meet up with his class there.”
The woman stepped forward, shaking her head while motioning for Eli to come to her. “No, he would’ve had to have ridden the bus. I’m sorry, but it’s school policy. He’ll just have to stay here and wait for his class. Come on, sweetheart. What’s your name?”
I kept my grip on his shoulders so Eli couldn’t move. “This is ridiculous! Why are you punishing him? He should get to go on the field trip with his class. Can’t you see how much he wants to go?”
She glanced at Eli, who I knew was still crying—I could feel his little body shake and hear his quiet sniffles. Then the woman locked eyes with me and said in a firm voice, “He’ll have to stay here. I’m sorry.”
Closing my eyes through a harsh breath and fighting against the strongest urge I’d ever had to punch someone right in the mouth, I stepped to Eli’s side and looked down, my heart breaking into a million pieces when I saw the steady stream of tears running down his face.
“Hey,” I whispered, bending down so we were eye level. “I’m going to take you to the botanical gardens, okay? We can go tonight, or tomorrow.”
“I have b-baseball.”
“We’ll go after baseball. Or we’ll do whatever you want to do. We’ll go somewhere really special, okay? Wherever you want. I promise.”
Eli kept his eyes on the floor. He wouldn’t look at me.
My promises probably meant jack shit to him now. I could promise him the world, and it wouldn’t matter.
“I am so sorry, E,” I said, giving his arms a squeeze.
Head down, Eli walked away when Ms. Unwilling-to-Be-Understanding-in-Her-Stupid-Ass-Pantsuit beckoned him forward again, and the two of them disappeared behind a door.
I felt like a complete failure.
Pissing Dominic off was one thing. That hurt. But disappointing Eli? That pain was unbearable.
After signing him in as late so it wouldn’t get marked unexcused, I walked out to my car, barely pulling away from the school before I started crying.
I’d held it together up until that point, but I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I kept picturing Eli’s face while I drove.
This was all my fault.
I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t helping out my Mom. I wasn’t making anyone’s lives easier. I was fucking everything up.
Sniffling, I pulled around the side of Whitecaps and backed into a space. I had exactly twelve minutes before my shift started.
I was using those twelve minutes.
With my hands free now, I buried my face in them and sobbed.
Chapter Six
SEAN
Go back inside. This ain’t your business. You got what you wanted by pushing her away. Don’t fuck it up by walking over there.
I stared at the back door, one hand on the wall beside it and the other on the knob, stilled, not twisting it the way I should’ve been doing. Panting heavy breaths through my nostrils, I tried forgetting what I just saw and staying out of shit I didn’t need to be getting involved in, but just like that stupid fucking app I couldn’t keep deleted off my phone, there was no fighting this.
There was no fighting anything when it came to her.
Cursing, I spun around and stalked across the lot.
It was my own fucking fault, really. I was out here watching videos and looking at pictures I’d already looked at a million times. If I had just stayed inside, I wouldn’t have watched Shayla pull around back, park, and then bury her face in her hands. I wouldn’t know she was upset, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t be pressing her for information like I was about to do. I’d be staying clear of her.
But then she’d be out here crying by herself and thinking she was alone, and I didn’t know what pissed me off more—that understanding or the fact I knew I had options that didn’t involve me, and I wasn’t taking them.
Tori was here. I could go inside and tell her to handle this, knowing that was the smarter thing to do, but was I doing that? Was I even considering doing that?
Nope.
I was a fucking idiot when it came to this girl. One look at my phone, and anyone would see that. That stupid app was still open.
There was also Nate. I could go to him. Jesus Christ, I could even get J.R. out here. Anyone. This didn’t need to be me.
Except it did.
I had to do this. It was either me or no one, and I wouldn’t let it be no one.
Stopping at the driver’s side door, I rapped my knuckles against the window and watched Shayla jerk her head out of her hands and turn to me with wide, tear-filled eyes.
She had streaks of black running down her cheeks, and her pretty pink lips were parted. She looked confused. She looked sad as fuck. She looked a little scared.
I got the confused—I didn’t understand what the hell I was doing over here either. I had an idea what was getting her so sad. But the scared shit? What the fuck?
Was she scared of me?
When she didn’t move, I motioned for her to roll the window down.
Shayla hesitated, then slowly reached over while keeping her eyes locked with mine and pressed the button on the door.
“Your dad?” I asked her when the window was lowered.
Back when she was planting her ass on that counter and speaking to me throughout her shifts, her dad had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. She worried about him all the time—she told me she did, and even if she hadn’t, I would’ve known how worried she was just going off the fear in her voice every time she spoke about him.
I figured this was what had her so upset.
She was slow to respond, just kept staring at me and looking more confused by the second, then finally, my words penetrated.
“What?” she whispered.
Or maybe they didn’t.
“Your dad,” I repeated. “Did somethin’ happen? Is he worse?”
“You remember about my dad?”
“Wasn’t that long ago you told me about it. Why wouldn’t I remember?”
“I…I don’t know. I just.” She quickly shook her head, as if to clear thoughts away she didn’t want to hear. “Never mind. Um, no, he’s the same. Nothing happened.” Shayla sniffled while rubbing the back of her fingers against her cheek to catch a tear, then noticing the black on her knuckles, she cursed and proceeded to wipe aggressively at her cheeks with both hands, cleaning the mess off her face.
I watched her do this while waiting for her to share what was bothering her, but then decided she probably wouldn’t offer that information up without me asking her for it, and that was the last fucking thing I needed to be doing.
So here it was—my out. This was when I needed to walk away.
And I could. Shayla seemed to be calming down. She wasn’t steadily crying anymore, meaning there was no fucking reason for me to be standing here. It was time for me to go.
“If it ain’t about your dad, what is it?” I asked instead of heading inside, realizing that was the last fucking thing I wanted to do, not needed. I wasn’t thinking about what needed to happen anymore. I was doing what I wanted. Fuck it.
There was a lot wrong with me, but this might’ve been the dumbest fucking move of my life. I might’ve regretted this forever.
Or…
Shayla pressed her head back against the seat, closed her eyes through a breath, and then opened them to look at me with an expression I never expected to see from anyone: gratitude. She wanted me to pry, because she couldn’t share what was going on with her if I didn’t.
We didn’t do this. Not anymore. We didn’t talk.
I’d made sure of that the day I fucked her over.
But now, I was changing that. I was asking for more, and maybe she wanted me knowing just as badly as I wanted her telling. And if that was the case, I’d keep asking her. I knew I would. And I wouldn’t regret anything. Not with that look she was giving me.
“Um, well, to start, my nana died,” Shayla said, biting the tremble in her lip as her eyes watered again. “Which I don’t think I’ve processed yet, so that’s kind of hitting me full on right now. My parents had to go out to Ohio to take care of things for my pop, so I’ve been left in charge of my brothers while they’re gone. I think I told you about them, right?”
I lifted my chin.
I knew she had brothers. Two of them, both younger.
“Well, I’m basically ruining their lives,” she informed me. “And this is not me being dramatic either. I keep messing up. I’m pretty sure Dominic hates me, and Eli…he’s too sweet to hate me, but if he could, he would. I keep forgetting things. Dominic had to miss his practice because I brought him the wrong equipment. Eli missed his therapy. Dom gets tutored after school—I didn’t even know about that, and I’m pretty sure he’s failing in math. I felt like an asshole when his teacher called me about it, and Dom…he doesn’t think anybody cares, which isn’t true, but I’m not doing anything to make that better. I’m oversleeping and making them late because I’m not thinking about stupid Friday traffic. And today was the absolute worst. Eli had a field trip this morning he couldn’t go on because we were late, and his face, God, he was so sad. So upset with me. So disappointed. Everyone is. I’m overwhelmed and I’m scared to tell my mom how badly I’ve messed up, because she has so much going on, you know? With my dad and Pop. I don’t want to let her down, but I can’t do this. I can’t.” She whimpered and shook her head. “And I miss my nana. I feel like everything is falling apart, and I’m just making things worse.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, and I watched fresh tears fall past her cheeks.
“Seems like a lot for one person to handle,” I said, drawing her eyes to me again.
“My mom handles it.”
“She’s also probably used to handling it. And it ain’t like your brothers just need you to take them to school and pick them up. It sounds like they got a lot goin’ on.”
Her shoulders jerked as she wiped at her face. Shayla wasn’t hearing me, and I needed her to hear me. I didn’t want her feeling this.
“You ever take care of anyone before?” I asked her.
She shook her head. “Just myself. And I had a fish once, but I killed it.”
My brows lifted.
“Accidentally,” she offered shyly. “He, uh, didn’t survive my last move. I’m pretty sure the cause of death was stress.”
“Good to know you ain’t a murderer, but I’m not talkin’ about pets.”
“Pets are people to some. Didn’t you ever have a pet before?”
“No.”
“Never?”
I shook my head.
“Well, that’s just sad,” she said. “Everyone should at least have a fish.”
“Not everyone,” I muttered, referring to me but watching Shayla’s eyes widen and light up a second before her mouth started twitching, I realized she thought I was referring to her, and instead of taking offense to what I’d just said, she was finding it amusing.
Her mouth was threatening a full-blown smile, and I knew once that happened, I’d forget my point and spend the rest of my time out here staring, leaving Shayla to feel that guilt and continue feeling it.
I didn’t want that, so I kept my focus, meeting her eyes again and repeating, “I wasn’t talkin’ about pets. You ever take care of another person before?”
“No,” she answered, smile no longer threatening. “Just me.”
“There you go.”
“That doesn’t matter. I should be able to handle this. I’m not a kid.”
“I didn’t say you were. But when you go from only lookin’ after yourself to lookin’ after other people overnight, that change can be a lot. It’d be a lot on anyone. Not just you.”
“I don’t know,” she whispered, closing her eyes through a breath.
“Look, I’m sure your mom knows what all she’s askin’ of you. I’m bettin’ if you said something about it bein’ too much, she’d understand that.”
“I really don’t want to do that, though,” she said softly, peering up at me.
I planted my forearm on the roof of the car, bent closer, and told her, “Sounds to me like you ain’t got a choice.”
I knew I was only speaking the truth, but hearing those words come out of my mouth, tasting them, something felt…off. I didn’t like this being her reality. I didn’t like what this was doing to her. If Shayla didn’t want to tell her mom, I didn’t want her making that call either. Not if it meant feeling like a failure, which was the vibe I was getting from her right now.
Fuck.
I wasn’t just getting up in her business, I was staying up in it. I was getting involved.
This might’ve been the dumbest fucking move of my life. Only time would tell.
“What do they got goin’ on today?” I asked her, watching Shayla’s eyebrows tick up.
“What do you mean?”
“They got school. What else?”
“Oh, um…” Her lips pressed together as she thought. “Eli has baseball practice, and Dominic has his tutoring.”
“You able to handle both of those?”
She hesitated, briefly looking like she might puke all over herself, before rushing out an “I have to.”
That was all I needed to know.
“Right. I’m thinkin’ the younger one will want to be with you, so I got the older kid. Which one’s that?”
Now Shayla didn’t just look like she might puke. She looked like she might puke, then pass out, then pass out again after coming to.
“You all right?” I asked her.
“I…I’m not sure,” she whispered. “What are you saying? Are you offering to help me?”
I jerked my chin.
“Why?”
Straightening off the car, I shoved my hands into my pockets, breathed deep, and just stared at her.
I had no fucking idea how to answer that question.
What could I say? I was over here because I couldn’t ignore her? That no matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t mind my own fucking business when it came to her? Oh yeah, sure. I might as well also fess up to watching her videos every free chance I got, staring at her when she didn’t know it, thinking about her when I was alone…yeah. I’d get right on that.
I didn’t understand what the fuck I was doing any more, I just knew I had to do it. And if I didn’t understand this, how could she?
I figured Shayla would accept my help without needing an explanation, just fucking take what I was offering since she was needing it so bad, but then she started rolling up her window and shutting me out.
I narrowed my eyes. What the fuck?
“Hold on,” she said quickly when she noticed the vein in my forehead about to burst.
I stepped back when Shayla threw the door open after cutting the engine.
“I need to clock in before I’m late,” she explained, hitting the button on her key fob and locking up the car. She turned and looked up at me, holding a bright red folder in her hand. We were a foot apart.
We never stood like this before—not this close. Not without a barrier.
I knew Shayla was a tiny fucking thing, but I didn’t realize how much I’d tower over her.
I was six foot three. I’d guess she was five foot two, maybe, the top of her head hitting several inches below my chin. And she was little everywhere. I could tell even with her thick coat covering her.
She wouldn’t even need to wrap her legs around me and hold on. I could carry her all fucking day, no problem.
My jaw clenched.
Shit. What the fuck? What the fuck was I doing? Why was I thinking about her legs wrapping around me and any part of her holding on? Jesus Christ. I did not need to be thinking about shit like that.
Shayla cleared her throat, drawing my eyes off her body—you’re a motherfucking dick for looking—and motioned at the building with her head. “Can we talk inside?” she
asked.
I nodded, letting her lead the way.
The time clock was in the lounge, so I knew that was where she was headed. After entering through the back door, I stayed straight and made for the kitchen while Shayla veered off.
“You coming?” she called out.
I froze just outside the kitchen, looking up and seeing interest in J.R.’s eyes where he stood at the stove, stirring something in a saucepan. Brows lifted, a grin quickly spread across his face.
Ignoring him, I turned my head and slid my gaze to Shayla.
She gave me a timid smile over her shoulder before taking the remaining steps to the lounge and disappearing behind the door.
Okay. Huh. She wanted me to follow her. I figured we’d have our conversation with me in the kitchen and her perched on the counter, the way I was used to having our conversations. The way I liked having them. But maybe she didn’t want to air her business with all ears listening. She just wanted me to hear it.
Just me.
Fuck, why did that feel so good?
“Well? You going or what?” J.R. asked with laughter in his voice.
Cutting my eyes to him, I barked, “Get to work!” before turning heel and heading in Shayla’s direction.
“I am working!”
He was still laughing. I could hear it.
“Then get to work some more!” I shot back.
Whitecaps wasn’t open yet, so I didn’t give a fuck how loud I was being.
I also didn’t give a fuck about the look Tori was giving me from her stance at the bar as I moved out into the restaurant.
She was curious about what was going on, but she was also looking suspicious as fuck. Her hand was stuck on her cocked hip, her gaze was hard and moving with me, and her mouth was tight, like she was fighting the urge to comment.
Big fucking surprise there. She was always wanting to comment.
And knowing Tori, her comment would be heavy on the attitude and one I wouldn’t want to hear.
I liked her just about as much as I liked Kali or the redheaded one who worked occasionally. They were all sweet, but Tori could be mouthy as fuck. If she had an opinion on something, she shared it, and it didn’t matter how many fucking times I told her I didn’t want her giving said opinion. She still gave it. Especially if it involved someone she cared about.