by Nikki Moore
‘No. Of course not.’
‘Did you get in her face and make her feel afraid? Did she look scared?’
‘No. I raised my voice but I didn’t get in her space. She looked pissed off that I was suggesting we take a break, but that’s all.’
‘So you didn’t drive her out of the house, did you? She wasn’t fleeing for her life and I doubt she believed her or the kids were in imminent danger. She could have chosen one of any number of other options; gone to bed, gone to another part of the house, called someone to come and get her, or called a taxi. You need to think logically, remove yourself from the situation. She was drinking and she was angry. We make our own fate in life, Matt. The argument would have happened one way or another at some point. It was bound to if you were both unhappy. But there was no way you could have predicted it would end like that. Helen was the one who decided to drive under the influence. It was her who pulled out into traffic.’
‘But I could have gotten her out of the car. I told you, I knew the kids weren’t in there. I wasted time looking,’ his voice, raw and twisted, broke again. ‘I could have pulled her out. Should have.’
‘And you could have caused her further injury, paralysed her if she’d hurt her neck or back,’ she pointed out sharply, ‘and you didn’t know the car would go up so quickly, did you?’
‘But I still can’t help feeling I could have done something. If I hadn’t been so focused on…’ he drifted off.
‘What?’ she inched nearer to him so that their chests were touching and she could stare up into his face. ‘Looking for your children, who were God knows where and needed you? Who were what, two and four years old? Don’t ever apologise for putting your children first! That’s what parents are supposed to do. No,’ she amended, ‘that’s what good parents do automatically.’
‘But I wasn’t a good parent. Because of me the kids lost their mum, because of me she died!’ Screwing his face up, his shoulders shuddered on quick indrawn breaths, his eyes glazed with a sheen of tears.
‘Yes, they did,’ she nodded solemnly, pleading with her eyes for him to listen to her, and to take in what she was saying. ‘But only because you care about them and love them so much. You were frantic, you said so yourself. What you’ve described, from arriving on scene, probably only happened in thirty seconds or so. You didn’t have time to think, to weigh up the choices. You followed your instincts, which was to find and protect your children. It was unfortunate and sad that it ended as it did. It’s a regret for you, obviously. But it’s not one that should rule the rest of your life.’ She freed one of his arms and lifted a hand to his face, stroking his jaw. ‘Oh, Matt. Stop torturing yourself. You do know that Cynthia doesn’t blame you, don’t you?’
His expression turned shocked, pupils dilating. ‘What do you mean? What do you know about what Cynthia thinks?’
‘We spoke at the BBQ. She told me how good you’ve been, letting her see the children. She also said that you blame yourself for Helen’s death but shouldn’t. She misses her daughter, Matt, and she’ll always mourn her, but she doesn’t hold you responsible and you shouldn’t either. The only thing she’s cross about is that you don’t talk to the kids about their mum. That there are no photos of her here.’
‘I thought it was for the best. They were so young when she died. I thought it was better not to remind them of what they were missing. What they’d lost.’
‘Which would have also made you feel even guiltier,’ she pointed out gently. ‘They need to know they had a mum who loved them, and what she was like. It might make them sad that she’s not around, but they need to know where they came from so they can understand themselves and their place in the world. It’s absolutely vital for their self-esteem. I told Cynthia we’ve been going to Hyde Park, that you’ve been visiting the memorial plaque for Helen. I think that helped her feel a bit better. I do think it’s been good for the three of you too. Remembering the good times, making some new ones together.’
‘You’re right, it has. We’ve done that with you. Because of you. Thank you.’ He covered her hand with his, where it rested on his face, holding her fingers against his warm, stubbly cheek. Staring down at her, he nodded. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I got it wrong. They should know their mother. It will be painful for me, but if it’s what they need, of course I’ll try.’ Pausing. ‘As for Cynthia, I haven’t been able to look her in the eye for three years. I didn’t dare. I guess I was afraid of what I would see.’
‘I think you should talk to her. It would probably be cathartic for both of you. And I think that if you look in her eyes you might be surprised by what you see. Compassion. Understanding.’ She smiled, a tiny hopeful hitch of her lips, ‘You need to try and start moving on from this, Matt. Talk to someone professional maybe, see a counsellor or something. But please find a way to live with it. I mean really live, not this horrible half-life where you haven’t been properly involved with the kids. It’s getting better, don’t get me wrong—you’re more affectionate and more engaged—but there’s still some way to go. I understand you’ve been feeling guilty for thinking you lost them their mum, but then in some respects you’ve taken their dad away as well. Give him back to them,’ she pleaded, ‘you all deserve more. You also deserve to move forward in your personal life. Don’t let what happened hold you back. Three years is a long time, Matt.’
‘Just like that?’ he asked sadly, ‘You think three years of feeling like shit about it is going to disintegrate overnight? That I’m suddenly going to feel fine?’
‘No, I don’t. But perhaps if you acknowledge it, if you make a conscious effort to start working through it, it’ll get easier, until one day you’ll realise the pain and guilt that used to tear you apart has faded to a dull ache. It’ll be like a niggling little stone in your shoe. It’s there and you can feel it but it doesn’t stop you functioning. Do whatever you need to do, go to the basement and turn the music up loud and scream until you’re hoarse, go and sit on Primrose Hill and watch the sun rise, or take a break from work and do something fun with the kids. Do anything you need to do that will help you deal with it and move on.’
‘How do you know about dealing with grief? Oh, your parents,’ he acknowledged. ‘I guess you know what you’re talking about.’
‘I was a lot younger when I lost them. I didn’t know what to think or feel. All I knew was that one day they were there and the next they were gone. It was like a chasm opened up under me and I was free-falling. I was powerless and needed control, so I got up every day, went to school and did everything I could to make them proud. To be honest, their deaths only really hit me in my mid-teens. I started acting out, coming home late, drinking, smoking and lying, but luckily before I could went too badly off course my teacher realised what was going on and referred me to a counsellor. It didn’t bring them back, but talking about it and sorting through my feelings helped me cope when I had a bad day or felt overwhelmed by everything. It was the talking therapy that got me interested in doing a psychology degree, even though I ultimately ended up not using it. Counselling isn’t the be all and end all, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s worth considering.’
‘Okay, I’ll think about it,’ he said, eyes serious. ‘But what about the guilt, what makes you the expert? You can’t have blamed yourself for your parents’ death, you weren’t with them, were you?’
‘No, it was just them in the car. But I live with guilt every day,’ she admitted softly, knowing that after Matt had exposed himself so openly, had shared something so deeply personal, she had to tell him the truth now. No matter what the consequences might be. ‘I left my younger sister to go to America, to make a new life for myself, to follow a man who ended up being worthless. I was heartbroken after my first serious boyfriend had dumped me. I shouldn’t have gone. I shouldn’t have left,’ she reiterated. ‘And no matter what she might say to me, I know I was selfish and hurt her and because I wasn’t around, because she lived with my aunt who’s not the type to talk a
bout feelings, I feel like she didn’t learn how to protect herself. She’s naive. Trusts the wrong people and gets hurt. I’ve been trying to make up for it since.’
‘It sounds like you’re being a bit hard on yourself, Zoe, although I can appreciate that’s going to sound a bit hypocritical given you feel I’ve been doing the same thing about Helen.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘And I didn’t know you had a sister. Why didn’t I know that?’
She bit her lip. ‘There’s a lot that you don’t know about me.’ Sliding her hand from under his and letting go of his wrist, she backed away. She needed distance between them to do this. ‘We all have our secrets, Matt.’
‘Meaning?’
Taking a deep, shaky breath. ‘Meaning I need to tell you something.’
‘I knew it. I knew there was something. You’ve been seeing your ex, right?’ He raked his hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up in uneven ruffles.
‘My ex?’ Shuddering at the thought of it. ‘No, he lives in America. Why would you say that?’
‘There have been times you’ve been twitchy about your phone and you’ve gone off to spend time with someone, but haven’t said who. Obviously you don’t have to tell me as your boss, but on a personal level I thought you might, and with what happened last night, I figured you’d come clean now…’ he trailed off, shaking his head. ‘You stayed out last Saturday night, Zoe. All night. So I was sure you were with him. I’ve half been expecting you to hand your notice in. But then you don’t seem the type to sleep with me if you’re starting up with him again. Look, just level with me. Are you with him or not? Are you going back to America?’
‘No! Urgh, I’d never go back to someone who cheated on me. Never,’ she reiterated, edging backwards. ‘The trust is gone and I don’t feel I could ever get it back. He contacted me a few times by phone, but it was half hearted. He gave up after a couple of weeks when I ignored him. Maybe if this was a romance novel he’d turn up, beg my forgiveness and try to whisk me away but it’s not. This is real life. This is my life. I haven’t answered any of his messages. It’s not him I’ve been talking to and seeing, I swear.’
‘Come on, do you think I’m stupid? Your face says it all, you’re literally a picture of guilt,’ he stuffed his hands in his pockets, ‘so don’t bother denying it.’
‘I’m not lying, Matt. I want to tell you the truth. I have done for some time, but at first I didn’t trust you and then—’
‘Didn’t trust me? Why?’ he demanded, but she just shrugged helplessly. ‘And then, what?’
‘I got in too deep,’ she confessed, hoping he might find some way to understand what she’d done. ‘The truth is,’ she moved even further from him, putting her back against the window sill, bracing herself, ‘the truth is that the younger sister I told you about? The one I abandoned? It’s Melody.’
15
‘Melody? As in my last nanny?’
‘Yes,’ she lifted her chin, dreading his reaction but ready for the blow, uneasiness curdling her stomach and making her hands curl into fists.
‘Melody is your sister?’ he said in disbelief. ‘The sister who looked after my kids? The sister I fired and told to leave? When you came to the interview you didn’t say anything. Why?’ he demanded. ‘Jesus, right from the beginning, it was always about that,’ realisation dawned as he blurted out the words. Horror washed the colour out of his face and put a hardness in his beautiful green eyes that she hated. It was like looking at a stranger and Zoe gritted her teeth to stop from crying out at the loss. ‘These last few months, living in my house, caring for my children and all along you were her sister. We talked about her, you asked about her and Stephen but still you said nothing. There was this ulterior motive the whole time. You betrayed us.’ His face was screwed up in bewildered anger, trying to make sense of it. ‘So, what is it you were after? What was it you wanted? Revenge? Or was it spite? Tell me. For fuck’s sake, just say it.’
‘I wanted answers,’ she cried. ‘I wanted to know why you would treat Melody so badly. I came here to confront you both, but Stephen was so cocky and left so quickly I didn’t get a chance to say anything. He mentioned the interviews before he went and it was a way in so I used it. I held you largely responsible, so I wanted to have it out with you. Once I was inside the house you were so impatient, dismissive and—you might not like this—arrogant as well, that I didn’t think you’d tell me what had happened, let alone be willing to explain yourself. You seemed so unaffected and oblivious to the consequences of what you’d done. I was furious with you and your brother, cut up on Mel’s behalf because she was so devastated and clueless as to why you’d fire and chuck her out without explanation. I had to do something, she’s my sister. I needed to get the answers for her, Matt.’
He didn’t need to know what she’d intended, about the kiss and tell expose, Plan Nannygate. It didn’t matter now and would only hurt him more. She took a breath, forcing calmness into her quivering, high pitched voice. ‘I thought that if I worked for you, was here, you would open up and tell me. But instead I got sucked in. I didn’t want to like you but somehow you grew on me.’ She winced when he shook his head and muttered a swear word. ‘It’s true,’ she insisted. ‘You weren’t what I was expecting. Not at all. I’ve grown to care about Jasper and Aimee so much, Matt. You have to believe that. I’ve never felt this way about children I’ve nannied before. There’s a genuine bond there and I would never do anything to hurt them, I swear. I almost left a few times, nearly told you a few more, but after a while I didn’t want to leave, and the timing was always off.’ She spread her hands, desperate for him to listen, to understand. ‘After getting to know you I realise you’re not dismissive or arrogant. You were just stressed the day of the interviews and you disappear totally into your own world when you’re concentrating or working on something. As for the answers I was looking for, obviously you think Mel did something wrong, something unforgivable which gave you grounds for your actions, but I never found out what because you always shied away from the details.’ Shaking her head. ‘You don’t talk about things Matt, not how you should. You need to face things in life, confront them head on and deal with them. Not bury your head in the sand.’
‘You’re wrong. I wasn’t shying away from it; I just had my reasons for keeping the details to myself. I have confronted things. You’ve made me. I trusted you!’ He looked agonised, pacing the room back and forth, out of reach and then within reach but a thousand miles away. ‘Jesus, Zoe, I confided in you and listened to you. And all time you were here because of Melody.’
‘I was protecting her! I’m her big sister and I wasn’t there for her. I left her to go to America because things were too painful here. I ran away and have felt guilty every single minute since, whatever she might say to try and make me feel better. That’s why I said you have to face things, because I didn’t and then it was too late. My sister and I, our relationship, it’s not how it’s used to be and that’s my fault. So yes, I wanted to help her. I wanted to give her closure, help her understand why the boss she got on with so well and admired took everything away from her. I wanted to know why Stephen stopped taking her calls and cut himself off after they’d been so happy together.’
‘Happy?’ Matt froze, turning towards her. ‘I don’t think so. I told you, she broke his heart.’ He shook his head. ‘You may as well know the truth now. I don’t see what there is to lose. If you tell anyone it’s not as if you’ll be a credible source given what you’ve done. Maybe you also have a right to know what kind of person your sister really is. Perhaps I owe you that much, given what you’ve done for me and the kids.’
She tried not to flinch at the condemnation in his words. ‘So what is the truth?’ she whispered, waiting breathlessly for the answer she’d first set out to discover.
‘She tried to blackmail him.’
‘What?’ Her lips went numb with shock. ‘No.’
‘Yes. He came to me, begging for help. He didn’t know what to do. She’d
found out he had a criminal record for drug offences—’
‘What?’ Of all of the things she’d expected, it wasn’t that. Drugs always seemed so sordid and dirty, not something an entitled playboy would be involved with.
‘It happened during his time at private school. He and a few friends got caught doing some relatively low level dealing—not that I’m saying any dealing is right—when they were eighteen. They got expelled from school. Unfortunately, drugs can be rife among kids that age from privileged backgrounds,’ the remark made it obvious he didn’t count himself as part of that group, ‘they like to party and think nothing of taking Class A drugs for recreational use. It wasn’t that big a leap from Stephen and his mates taking them to supplying them to friends. The school wanted to cover it up to avoid damage to its reputation, because to a prestigious institution like that image is everything. However, the Crown Prosecution Service wanted to make an example of them and they could be tried as adults because of their age. I guess the thinking was, why should they get away with it just because their parents were rich? My parents didn’t want to go to court, partly for Stephen’s benefit and partly to protect the family name and their professional reputations, being senior civil servants. So he admitted the charges, sold out his supplier and got a warning. There was no custodial sentence because of mitigating circumstances and it being a first time offence, and we always managed to keep it quiet.’ He stared at Zoe, eyes as unyielding as steel. ‘Stephen told me Melody said she had evidence he was dealing again and would testify he’d supplied her drugs if he didn’t give her hundreds of thousands of pounds. She threatened to go to the police and the press. He was frantic. Knew what it would look like with his background, and that he might not escape a sentence this time—’
‘Bullshit,’ she spat, ‘Melody would never do anything like that. She’s completely incapable of it. She’s the most honest person I know. How could you believe it of her? Why the hell would she blackmail someone she was in love with? She’s not into money and definitely isn’t deceitful—’