Letters to Me

by Eliza Rose

  “Ok, I’ll be right behind you.” We drive to his house and I wait outside. I look around and wonder what the heck I’m thinking. I’m sure Momma knows exactly what I’m doing. Cole comes out of his house and walks toward my car. I start to fidget and grab my earbuds and start to untangle them again. Cole opens the door and then looks at me curiously.

  “Do I need to drive?” He looks towards my hands.

  “No, I’m fine. Where am I going? If we make it up as we go there is no way anyone will know where we are.” Well, that’s the first smart thing I’ve said all day.

  “You’re right. I think we should go out by the river.” Elk river is not too far from Cole’s house. It’s peaceful and a place I used to like to go to think, but I haven’t been in a few months.

  “What are we going to do?” I ask.

  “Listen to music, and be on our own.” He picks up his mp3 player and wiggles it at me.

  “You got anything good?” I ask knowing full well that he has a multitude of artists to choose from.

  “Oh, I have plenty.” We drive in comfortable silence to the river and drive down to the edge of the river bank and I back up enough so that you can’t see my car from the road above. That’s all I would need is someone coming up and seeing us sitting in the car parked at the river. I look over to Cole and he is looking through his music completely distracted with the task.

  “You need any help?” I ask him. He still engrossed. I reach over and touch his arm. He looks up.

  “I’m sorry Darlin, were you talking to me?” He looks kind of shook.

  “I asked you if you need any help with picking out some music. Are you ok?”

  “Trying not to be nervous and I don’t think it’s working.” He says with his shy smile. Gosh, I love him.

  “I love you,” I whisper through the lump in my throat.

  “I love you too baby.” He puts his hand on my cheek and pulls me closer to kiss me. My heart starts to pound. I can feel my breath catching as he leans closer and runs his fingers back to cup my head and tangle his fingers in my hair. His lips touch mine and set me on fire. I lean in closer and place my hand on his chest. The middle console makes the whole thing awkward.

  “Cole, I want to put my hands on your body. Do you want to go to the back seat?”

  “Yeah, come on.” We get out and move to the seats in the back. My car windows are more tented in the back seat and it is a bench seat so that makes everything more comfortable. I can get my hands all over him now. “Kimber we are just listening to music, right? That’s all you want to do tonight right?”

  “I don’t know Cole. How about we’ll see? I don’t know what we are doing tonight. Let’s wing it.” I stopped thinking this morning when I woke up and realized that last night was real.

  “Ok babe, but I can’t promise that I can be good.”

  “Maybe…maybe I don’t want you to be good.” He groans and pushes his hand through his hair. I love the look that he gives me, like sex on fire in the depths of his eyes.

  “You can’t look at me like that. That look sets me on fire,” he says under his breath. He gives me a growl and starts to kiss me again. I wrap my hands around his neck and bring him closer to me. I can’t help myself and I throw my leg over him. He backs away and turns on his music and turns it up and lays it back in the rear window so we can both hear the music. Then he wraps his arms around me and lays me back gently on the back seat and lays on top of me. He starts rubbing me all over. My head, my side, and my butt. He pulls me against him with his hand on my butt and I feel him. I moan softly. I can’t help it. He’s driving me crazy. I look up into his face and can’t help but think that he is the one. The one I am going to be with forever, and I can give the one thing that I can give no one else to him. My Cole, my knight. I close my eyes and let the night go where it goes. The last thing I remember is his soft touch and my heart racing.

  Chapter 8

  I wake with everything important still intact. We both decide that we will both wait for a little while. ‘Kimber, I’m not taking your virginity in the back of a car. You deserve much better.’ He had whispered to me after getting extremely close. He is romantic as well. I had no problem with it, but he wants to make it special for both of us. He is so sweet.

  Tonight, is the party and I am so excited, but I want to remain in the same spot I’m in spooning with Cole in the back of this car. He is breathing soft and slow and I could listen to him breathe forever. I start to turn over so I can look at him and my clumsy self starts to fall off the seat. I gasp and try to catch myself, but before I can his hand reaches out and catches me and turns me towards his face.

  “Good morning, beautiful.” He says with a smile.

  “Good morning, are you hungry?” I ask as he starts to growl at me and he pushes back my hair away from my face.

  “You could say that.” He grinds his hip against mine and I feel him again. I giggle and try to break away from his grip. He doesn’t let me move. “Kimber quit squirming you will fall.”

  “I thought you didn’t want to have sex in the back of a car,” I say innocently.

  “I don’t babe. It just happens in the morning, and it happens a lot when I dream of you. Which I did.” Oh!

  “Oh, what did I do?” Curiosity always gets the best of me.

  “Well, let's just say we didn’t stop last night and that’s what my dream was about.”

  “Hmm, I wish I could have a dream like that.” I had nightmares again. I almost could have sworn I heard breaking glass.

  “No, I don’t wish that on anyone. I can’t wait until I can have you. Not that I don’t want to wait, but just I know that I will love being with you and it’s something I’m excited about. Obviously.” He glances down at our entwined bodies and smirks.

  “Do you have a plan?”

  “Nope, not yet but I will soon. I don’t think I can last much longer.” Oh, that’s news.

  “Let’s go get breakfast. I’m starving.” I’m so hungry. I don’t think I ate enough yesterday.

  “Ok let me drive ok?” He looks worried that I’ll wreck just because I’m hungry.

  “Ok.” We both get out and he gets in the driver’s seat. Normally I think I would be nervous with him driving, but he is more careful than I am behind the wheel. He doesn’t forget the whole trips. I stare out the window thinking about the night before and how I felt so safe with him. I don’t want to leave him. I can’t see my life without him. This is what I dream about, and I’m not going to screw it up.

  “What is my beautiful girl thinking about over there?” He places his hand on my knee. I jump a little. I wasn’t expecting his touch, and it’s electrifying to me.

  “I was thinking that I love you and I think that I may go to school locally.” The car comes to a complete stop. He throws it in to park and turns to look at me.

  “Why would you do that Kimber?” He looks at me as if I have grown another head.

  “Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot here lately. I don’t think I could leave momma alone, and my stupid sister never visits or calls. All she has is me. Second, I don’t want to have to figure out a schedule with us. This is magical and I can’t give that up Cole, I won’t. I love you so much and I don’t see myself going anywhere that’s too far from you. I know that’s probably stupid sounding, but I can’t be away Cole. We were friends first, but we can never go back to that. I was born into this world at this time to tell you that I love you. I know we are young and we have our whole lives ah..” He stops me with the most passionate we have ever hand. He pulls me as close as he can in the front seat and runs his hands through my hair. Then he pulls away and looks at me directly in the eye. He sighs deeply.

  “Kimber you can’t do that for me. If it’s for your Momma that’s your decision, but don’t do something like that for me. I’m nothing you should know that. I won’t be able to give you the life that you deserve. I’m not your knight.”

  “How did you know about.. you know wha
t it doesn’t matter you are everything. You are my everything. End of conversation. I’m staying and getting an apartment in town and you can live with me or you can come over when you want, and we won’t have to worry about driving hours.”

  “I don’t want it to be just for me, but domesticated life with you sounds like heaven on earth.” He smirks and puts the car back in drive. He pays attention to the road and takes us to a little spot the next town over to get breakfast. He doesn’t want to risk being seen by either of our mothers, and I don’t mind in the slightest.

  I am starting to think about tonight and what we are going to be doing. What movies would be good to watch? Should we bring anything to sleep in or just sleep in the clothes we wear there? Soon I’ve realized that I have internalized all of this and Cole is sitting across from me staring me straight in the face.

  “What?” I say after swallowing a sip of tea.

  “Nothing, I just love to watch you think. Don’t stress about the party Kimber. It will be fine.” Cole says not to stress, but that is all I am going to do until it’s over. I know that, and so does he. I pull out my phone and text Rachel and see what she needs from me.

  Hey hun what do u need me to do today to help get ready

  Just show up maybe help decorate a little. Is CS with you?

  Yes

  Ok

  I don’t understand why she would need to know that Cole was with me. We are now holding hands on the table. It is obvious to anyone looking at us we are a couple. Our food finally shows up and we both devour what is on our plates. I don’t taste much, but what I do taste is delicious. We finish eating and decide to just kill time until going to Rachel’s house. We go to the park and walk around the pond there. We go off on a walking trail that we find and by the time we get back, it’s a little after one and we are hungry again. I tell Cole that we should have brought stuff for a nice picnic. He agrees and tells me next time we come out like this we will have to pack one. We go and get a quick bite to eat after getting back to the car. Just a drive-thru this time. Then we go to the shopping center and window shop a little. I get a pack of fake tattoos and let Cole put them on me when we are back in my car. We spend the day laughing and talking and around four we make our way to Rachel’s house. We pull in the drive only to find that Quinn is already there. I start to think that maybe she had been there the whole time and helped decorate already. That the reason that Rachel told me she didn’t need my help was that she already had gotten help from Quinn. Cole scowls through the windshield.

  “Does that car belong to who I think it does?” he asks.

  “Yep,” I say in a half sigh half-whisper.

  “Well, this is going to be interesting. You sure you don’t just want to ditch and do what we did last night?” He sounds so hopeful.

  “As much as I would love to, this has been something a long time coming. I don’t want to ditch on Rachel just because Quinn is here. She sees something that we don’t see in her.”

  “Yeah, because we see her in her true form, snake.” I don’t want to get out of the car but I should. I have to at least act like an adult and get this all over with. I let out a heavy sigh and think of how Cole and I could have a great time tonight and I try not to think of the company that we will be keeping. I look at him and smile.

  “Let’s just make the best out of it. We don’t have to like that she is here, but I don’t want it to ruin our night. Is that ok? If not then I’ll go in and tell Rachel that we aren’t going to make it, and we can go wherever you want.” He looks at me thoughtfully for a minute and lets out an equally heavy sigh.

  “Let’s just go in. It won’t kill us. I love you.” We got out, and clasp our hands together and kiss each other. I look up into his beautiful brown eyes and know that everything is going to be alright and we will make the best of this night. He pulls me to his chest and kisses my forehead. As we are standing out in Rachel’s driveway Mathew pulls up. He gets out of his car muscles rolling in his arms and chest.

  “Are y’all gonna just stand in the driveway and suck face?” Mathew cackles at his joke and slaps Cole on the back enough to move Cole and me a few inches.

  “No, Mat, we were just waitin’ on you to bless us with your presence,” Cole says with a smile. Mathew claps Cole on the shoulder and asks him how his week has been. Then they start to talk about how next week is going to be a hard week. Then, the next week is the state playoffs. The school year is flying by and I’m not exactly sure I’m ready for it to end. I think I would be happy to stay in school for a while. I’ll be happy when Cole and I are living together and going to school. I am ready for that. Right? As I have set in my little bubble I realize that I am not listening to anything that Cole and Mathew have said.

  “I’m tellin' you man, just a few hours more a day in the gym and you would be set!”

  “I don’t want to get huge Mathew.”

  “Whatever man, I bet ya Kimber would like it. Wouldn’t you Kimmy?” Ugh, I hate when people call me that.

  “No, I like him just the way he is.” Mathew rolls his eyes and Cole smirks to himself. It’s adorable. He’s so cute.

  “Of course, you do,” Mathew says sarcastically. I look at Cole and tell him how I feel.

  “Cole, if you want to start working out more that’s fine. I won’t think of you any differently I love you for what’s inside not your looks.” I put my hand on his chest. “Now let’s go in and get this party going.” We go to the garage entrance and ring the bell. I had already texted Rachel and told her we were coming and she should be expecting us. A few minutes later she comes to the door with Quinn trailing her like a puppy. Oh, wow I can’t have even a moment with her. We follow them in and go up to the attic. They have decorated everything. As much as I try, I can’t help the pang of jealousy that I feel. Why did Rachel all of the sudden decide that Quinn was going to help her and not me? Whatever, I’m not going to let it bother me tonight. I’m going to make this night about Cole and me. I don’t need anyone else right now. Funny, how that has left my life. I love Rachel, but she has been so distant lately. I look around and they have decorated just like we had talked about to the very last detail. The got all the movies and snacks set up. I’m just going to relax and enjoy it. I’m already tired as sad as that sounds.

  We spend the night watching movies and talking. I stay next to Cole all night, and it feels so right. Even when he goes to get something for us to drink or eat, I feel like he is gone forever when he gets back, I’m so grateful. I talk to Rachel a few times and she is still distant and cold. Cole mentions it to me a few times, and I just brush it off like its normal. It’s killing me a little on the inside though. I make it a point to talk to her later when she isn’t occupied with other things or people. We all start to get tired and start watching another movie, but with pillows and blankets surrounding us. I cuddle up to Cole and start to drift a little when Mathew bumps up against me.

  “Sorry, Kimmy.” He says and I scrunch up my nose.

  “It’s fine.” I reluctantly say.

  “Dude give her a little space,” Cole says and wraps his arms around me closer.

  “Ok, I will move. C’mon Rachel lets go somewhere else so we don’t disturb the lovely couple.”

  “What is up with them?” I whisper to Cole.

  “I don’t know he seemed fine earlier.” Cole looks towards their backs.

  “She has been distant all night, and I don’t know what I could have done except I forgot to call her that one night,” I say and wipe the tear away secretly.

  “It’s fine let's just watch the movie.” He starts to brush his hands through my hair and hum softly in my ear. I wrap my arms around him and we snuggle. I fall asleep soon after.

  I’m so cold. Where is my blanket? Why is it so dark? Where is my light? I start to reach around and touch a body. What the… oh yeah, I’m at Rachel’s house. The party. What time is it? I reach down to find my phone that should be around my waist somewhere. It’s three-thirty in the m
orning. I look around for Cole, and can’t find him. It’s dark so I stay still, and wait for him to come back. About ten minutes pass and I start to get nervous. Where did he go? Did he leave me here? I start to get up and the door opens to the attic and from the little light that the door lets in I can tell its Cole. He walks over to me and lays back down. He doesn’t say anything so I know he doesn’t know I am awake. I go back and forth about saying something and finally, I do.

  “Where were you?” I ask.

  “What? Why are you awake Kimber?”

  “I was cold.”

  “I’m here honey. Just go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.” I start to drift again and then realize he didn’t answer my question. Where did he go? The attic door opens again and someone else walks in. I can’t see who it is because Cole is holding me tightly to his chest. I notice that his breathing isn’t normal. What the heck is going on? Something isn’t right.

  “Cole are you ok?” I start to reach for his face.

  “I’m fine.” He is crying, and I just know it.

  “No, you’re not. I can tell.” I continue to try to reach for his face or to wrap my arms around his neck. He stops me and puts his arms over mine and holds me tight.

  “Sleep Kimber.” He starts to sing to me again and I can’t help my heavy eyelids fall and I start to sleep again. I am warm for the rest of the morning but plagued with thoughts of why Cole was crying. What is going on with the people in my life?

  I wake up the next morning feeling a little confused and forgot I was at Rachel’s house again. Then I remember the night before and the movies, the snacks, and then when I had woke up in the middle of the night. I remember Cole crying, and me not knowing why or what was going on. Cole is still asleep beside me and snoring softly. His dark hair is in his eyes and his eye lashes are fanned out across his cheeks. He is adorable! I’m so worried about him. I know he was crying last night and I don’t know why. I’m comfy and ready for him to wake up and I know he probably won’t because he was up late. What happened to make him so upset? I promise myself that I will not rest until I find out what has been bothering him. I hope he isn’t hiding something from me. I start to stress myself out a little and squirm a little like normal. His eyes shoot open.