by Anne Conley
“No.” He had her, and she knew it. “Not the blindfold or the closet.”
“Was there anything safe or sane about it either?”
“No.”
“So you willingly scened with a partner without knowing what you were getting into, with zero trust and no plan?”
“You’ve made your point.” Katie finished her cocoa and slammed the mug on the table, mimicking his earlier movements. “I get it, Logan. It was stupid. But then again, that’s all I am to you, right? Just some stupid girl you’ve already used.” She stood, angry and embarrassed. “You would be done with me, except we live in the same small town and hang around all the same people. I’ll just go.”
He moved to stand in front of her, effectively blocking her escape. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Logan was a big guy, but he usually didn’t use his bulk to intimidate like this. His massive frame was crowding hers in a physically domineering way. She made to shove past him, but he didn’t budge.
“Please, just let me go.” The tears were back. They weren’t falling yet, but they choked her throat and stung her eyes.
“I should punish you for this,” he finally said, drawing her attention up the massive bulk of him to his eyes. They’d softened a bit from the angry fire earlier, but not much. As soon as she registered she was staring, Katie dropped her eyes to the floor. Of course, it was so clean, she could probably eat off it.
Katie ignored the thrill his words ignited inside her. “Why? You’ve made it perfectly clear I’m not yours, so why would you want to do that? That would be taking some kind of ownership. You’re a one and done. Remember?”
Katie had been punished enough already, but she couldn’t hide the pain his words evoked. Every time he ignored her, avoided her, or brushed her off was a reminder they were finished. She’d had her go at him. But the truth was, that night had rocked her world, introduced her to what a Dom/sub relationship could be with the right partner, and she’d been looking for it ever since. Katie had tried picking guys up, but nothing compared to that night with Logan all those years ago.
Nothing.
“You’re right. I don’t have any stake in this. But you live here. You want in. I can give you that.” He sighed as if regretting his words. “Tell me … what do you need, Katie?” His voice was soft, but it contrasted with the hard calluses on his finger as he touched her, stroking her collar bone, up her neck, resting at her chin gently as he tugged her face up to look at him. “What is it you’re looking for?”
She couldn’t say it. Instead, she felt a tear trickle from her eye, unbidden, and she cursed its wet trail down her face.
“No.”
Logan’s eyes widened in shock, but his jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth together. Good. She was pissing him off.
Welcome to my world, dickhead.
“What?” His voice was a whisper. Her encounters with Logan said this could go a variety of ways.
“I won’t tell you anything. You’ve made it abundantly clear I don’t mean anything to you outside of that one amazing night. One and done. I get it. I’m over trying to do anything with you again. You’ve convinced me we won’t be good for each other, so I’m done. I’m not about to open myself up for that again.” Katie couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it to herself. Thinking she could get over him that easily and find someone else had messed her up for a long time.
Logan sighed again as his face relaxed. Katie was getting mad. He kept sighing like a put-out teenager. It was obvious he didn’t want her here. She didn’t have a clue what she would wear or how she would get back to her car, but it was time to leave.
“Do you have some sweats or something I can borrow? I can walk home from here.”
“Dammit, Katie. Don’t you listen? You’re not going anywhere. You’re staying here. With me.”
“Why?” she yelled, unable to keep the frustration from leaking out. This man was incorrigible.
“Because I want you.” His words fell out in a rush, and then he clamped his mouth shut as if he was rethinking them. Then, with resolve, he continued in a softer tone. “I always have. I can’t be what you want, but I can’t fucking deny this anymore. I’ll give you what you need, but I can’t keep denying myself the need to have you again. I won’t keep you.”
She slowly sat back down. He wanted her? Her insides swelled nearly to bursting with happiness. She knew it. He’d been denying himself out of some sense of duty or whatever. But he’d finally admitted it. Her knee jumped in a rhythmic pattern under the table in excitement.
Then he spoke again, his voice dropping, and Katie’s resolve crumbled.
“Tell me what you need.” That voice. She hadn’t heard it in years. He was using it on her again. “What you want from this lifestyle.”
Not yet. She wouldn’t give in this easily, even if that’s exactly what her body and heart were telling her to do. Her mind still screamed at her, but she couldn’t stop her damn mouth.
She dropped her eyes. All in. That’s what she was now. He’d admitted he wanted her. She’d give him what he wanted. He’d give her what she wanted. She clenched her fists on her thighs, stilling her knees from their jumping dance under the table.
“I need to be free to feel. I need to give up control, Sir. I need someone besides myself to hold me accountable.” She needed a release to be submissive with a Dominant who would give her what she needed and not what he wanted. The clarity of pain, the way her body felt with Logan when he was flogging her. In her logical mind, she knew that’s what all Doms were supposed to be like, but she’d only found the one.
“You need the punishment? For not being safe with your body and who you choose to go out with?” His voice was still so calm, but there was an edge to it—an edge of something that sounded an awful lot like he gave a shit.
She nodded, unable to look at him. Staring at his chest, she almost saw the rumble of his voice.
“Say it. Tell me what you need.”
Excitement ratcheted her nerves, even though she tried to tamp it down. Katie didn’t want to risk the disappointment she would feel when they both got the dose of reality. She knew when this was over, he wouldn’t magically fall in love with her and declare his feelings, so she tried to harden heart to protect it.
“Yes, Sir. I need the punishment because I’m not safe with who I go out with.”
He was silent for a long time, just watching her. He brought his finger to his lips in thought, and Katie was fascinated by the gesture. She wanted his finger on her. She wanted to touch those lips.
God, she wanted to kiss him so badly, it almost hurt.
“I’ll give you your punishment. After that, we’re done. I won’t claim you. I won’t fuck you. We’ll go back to what we have been. Friends.” Katie almost laughed. If this was friends, she was toast. His eyes became a little vacant, a mask falling over his face. “I can’t be what you want, Katie.”
She swallowed hard and thought about the proposal, ignoring that last line. More than anything, Katie wanted a Dom like Logan, someone to help her get through her stressors and give her pleasure. She’d been looking for someone like that and had put herself in some god-awful positions in the process. She needed the punishment too. She needed the release that came with letting go and surrendering to the consequences of her shitty actions. Katie really hated herself right now and wallowed in her shame the same way she was wallowing in Logan’s blanket.
“Yes, Sir.”
“You want me to punish you?”
Katie knew they were having a moment. Her answer to this question would redefine whatever relationship they had, even the nonexistent one. But she wanted it too badly to think about it too hard. She’d been trying to get Logan to agree to this for two years.
“Yes, Sir.”
He pointed to a room that bordered Cole’s
apartment. “Go, and assume your position. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Katie walked into the room and gasped, dropping her blanket.
It was so not what she expected.
The walls were lined with benches, cuffs of all sorts, and canes, whips, and floggers. There was a modified St. Andrew’s Cross front and center, though, and pieces of another one off to the side. It was stained a dark, rich color, with straps and cuffs and beautiful inlaid wood pieces.
Memories of being strapped to the spanking bench had her curious about what he had in store for her, but she really hoped it was the cross.
Immediately, she dropped to her knees with her hands behind her back and waited for him. This sudden about-face was almost too much, disorienting her. Logan had never let her into his apartment, and Katie had never even imagined this sanctuary. He had always made it clear he was finished with her. No matter how hard she tried to get his attention, he’d ignored every advance. She couldn’t help but picture other women here, though, and wondering who he’d brought home. Katie forced herself to look at the floor as she completely ignored the pit forming in her stomach.
Pangs of jealousy bit into her like shards of a mirror. She could easily see Logan here, deliciously towering over someone chained up for his pleasure, but it wasn’t herself she saw. In her mind, Katie pictured beautiful women, trained to be Logan’s sub as he dominated them in his beautiful way, brought them all the pleasure, and inflicted the marvelous discipline she craved.
Heavy footsteps sounded throughout the apartment and stopped behind her, followed by a heavy sigh.
“Discussion time. A discussion like you should have had with Bonner before you went home with him.” Logan’s voice was low and growly and brooked no arguments.
Goose bumps broke out on her back. “Yes, Sir.”
“You are in here because you asked for punishment. Why do you need punishing?”
“Because I put myself in danger tonight, Sir. And I didn’t have a conversation about expectations, Sir.”
Metallic clangs came from across the room, where he selected something from the wall before coming back to her.
“Is that all?”
Katie shook her head, trembling inside and afraid of saying the wrong thing. “I was using him, Sir. I knew he lived next door, and I didn’t really care what he did as long as you heard it, Sir.”
A sharp hiss of air sounded from Logan, along with a muttered curse.
“Look at me.” Obeying his command, she found a crop in his hand. It looked like a leather riding crop, only bigger, wider. She focused her gaze on him. “You are done using men to make me jealous. That stops now. How many have you gone home with to get back at me?”
She thought hard. All of them. There was the one guy she’d gone home with the first night she’d realized Logan lived in Pamona Gulch. He’d been married, but she didn’t know. There was the swinger who’d brought her home to diddle his wife while he watched. She hadn’t been into that either. There was the traveling ski instructor, Cole, Dylan … Oh God. Too many.
“Seven, Sir.”
“Seven? That’s all?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“How many made you come?” His voice, harsh and guttural, sent a shiver through her spine and to her toes. Katie wanted to look away, but his eyes bored into hers, almost daring her to look away.
“Three, Sir.”
“Okay, what are your limits?”
“Confined spaces would be my hard limit, anal is a soft limit. I haven’t experienced that where it was really great, but I’m sure in the right circumstances, it would be okay.” She babbled on, knowing he wasn’t going there tonight, not with the implement he was slapping against his thigh.
“So nothing’s changed in two years?
“You remember two years ago?” They’d talked for almost three hours over coffee, discussing expectations, limits, safe words, everything. He’d wanted her to understand what she was getting into. She was new to the lifestyle, and he clarified a lot of things for her.
But now his face was harder than chiseled granite. “Katherine,” he purred, “I remember everything from that experience. Answer the question.”
“No, Sir.”
“Color?”
He was a stickler for making sure she was on the same page. “Very green, Sir. Like the brightest green on the planet.” She couldn’t stop her smile as she looked up at him.
A grim smile lit his face too.
“You let me know if that changes. You’ve been a very bad girl. Now get up and walk over to the cross.”
Holy shit. He was going to use the St. Andrew’s cross on her. She practically skipped over to the contraption before an electronic clanging noise pierced the air.
Logan’s pager.
“Dammit,” he ground out, shooting her an apologetic look. Disappointment pounded in her veins. She knew what he was, and his job took precedence over her punishment. “Looks like we’ll have to do a rain check. I’ll get you some clothes and drop you off at your car on my way to the station.”
Dammit was right.
Chapter Five
Katie managed to tamp down the disappointment of the evening with the anticipation of Logan following through with his promise. Of course, as he drove her to her car at Mo’s, his taciturn silence only reinforced the idea he probably wouldn’t.
“Look,” she hesitantly broke the silence, “I know this wasn’t what you planned for tonight, but—” She stopped, wondering what to say that wouldn’t make her sound like the eager horn-ball she always seemed to turn into around him. “Thank you. If nothing else, you got me out of a shitty situation, and I really appreciate it.”
There. That doesn’t sound desperate.
His knuckles whitened on the steering wheel, and he turned into the parking lot stiffly. “It’s something a friend would have done, right?” She nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at her. He sighed heavily and lightly punched the steering wheel, making her jump. “Look, I’ve never had a girl friend before. I’m not sure what’s expected, outside of slumber parties and gossip, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for from me.”
He turned to look at her, his mouth firmed into a straight line across his face, and Katie resisted the impulse to tell him she would love a slumber party with him. Instead, she swallowed and nodded, waiting for him to go on.
“But a friend would make sure you were safe, yeah?” Another nod from Katie. “And the only way I can think for you to be safe if you’re determined to go into this lifestyle is to teach you what the expectations are.” Logan went back to looking out the windshield. “Even though I can’t think of a single instance friends would do this sort of shit to each other, I do know BDSM requires trust, and you should trust your friends.”
He sighed again, a borderline groan that told Katie this was a painful conversation. For some reason, the sound made her smile. The smile dropped when his voice turned hard. He was using the Dom voice she loved so much. “I have a shift after tonight, so we can’t meet until Friday, but I’ll have to play things by ear. You will be punished for this and receive negative reinforcement for your unhealthy actions, Katherine. It is imperative you know this, and, as your friend, it is my duty to teach you in a way you will understand.”
“Yes, Sir.”
Her insides were jelly at the sound of that voice, a reminder of the past. She’d once opened a door to a lifestyle she craved, found out she loved, then the door had slammed shut. It was starting to crack open again.
She got out of his truck with a wave and walked to her car in the parking lot. Logan left once she got her car started, and she was suddenly alone.
Katie forced the memory to pummel her. She would use it to protect herself. Remembering the way he’d treated her would help her not expect things to c
hange too much this time.
She had convinced Elliot and London to let Walter stay with Ryder for the night. Hidden Intimacies had had a successful opening month, but Katie was exhausted. Having a successful opening meant eighty-hour weeks, and while Walter had been a rock star throughout it all, Katie knew this was her only chance to get out for a while. At fifteen, he was old enough to stay home by himself, but she didn’t want him spending too much time alone. That bred boredom, and bored teenagers got into trouble.
But tonight was her night. Katie dressed up in a cute little black dress, one that covered some stellar lingerie. She hoped the black ribbon tied around her neck would be enough to show she was looking for more than just sex from a partner tonight. She wasn’t sure if that would give off the right message to someone who knew anything about what she wanted. It was all trial and error at this point.
Not that she thought she would find it. She didn’t even know where to look, honestly. Katie didn’t have time to go to a big city tonight. As she thought about her options in Pamona Gulch, she figured it would be better to try Mo’s first. It was cheaper than the boutique bars on the square or the ski lodges on the mountain. The Lodge, as the locals called it, might be better though.
But Mo’s was closer, so she chose it as a way to dip her feet in the water before plunging in all the way, head first.
At the bar, she sipped on a glass of white wine while perusing the clientele—a mish-mash, for sure. Mostly blue-collar types coming in after work for a beer or whatever before going home to their families. She sighed, keeping her lookout.
And then he walked in.
Logan.
Katie spun around, facing the bar again, and made herself seem smaller. His wishes were clear the morning they’d met before their scene. He didn’t want to see her again. As much as it hurt, she’d respected it. Everyone had their thing, and apparently that was his.