This new happy place we’d carved out for our little family seemed to be ours exclusively. No harm or negativity could penetrate it. Not even Travis. Until Wednesday came around again, and we were sitting side by side with him in court once more.
We’d started the day with a slew of character witnesses taking the stand on Travis’s behalf. His lawyers had been thorough, digging up everyone from old teachers to his new father-in-law who couldn’t stop talking about how happy he was that his daughter and grandchildren now had a man like Travis in their lives, and how he was the best thing that had ever happened to them. While I listened to his drivel, all I could think about was the destitute horror this woman must have endured to make living with Travis an improvement.
It was nearly lunch when the opposition’s side had finally run out of witnesses and the judge called a recess. When we returned, it was time for my side to take the stand. Aunt Deb and Bobby were both on standby at the nearest park, prepared to take turns staying with Wyatt, who wasn’t due in court himself until the end of the day.
First up was Derek.
Diane spent nearly twenty minutes grilling him on everything from his own childhood to how he saw his role in Wyatt’s life. The entire time, my heart was nearly bursting with pride while I continued to give myself repeated imaginary pats on the back for getting at least one thing in my life so fucking right.
Then, Diane took her seat and Travis’s lawyer stood up to ask Derek his own set of questions.
“Mr. Tice, you mentioned that you were in the Navy before you started your own business as a contractor. How many years did you say you were active for?”
Derek’s hands were calmly folded in his lap, but I could tell he hated talking to the guy simply because he was there on Travis’s behalf. “I enrolled in the Navy straight out of high school and then went on to become a SEAL shortly after for a total of thirteen years of service.”
The attorney nodded. “And I assume you saw a great deal of action during those years?”
Derek frowned, like he was trying to anticipate where this line of questioning was headed. “You don’t sign up to be SEAL expecting not to. I was overseas more than I was on American soil.”
The lawyer looked satisfied. “I see. Ever kill anyone, Mr. Tice?”
“I object, your honor.” Diane was up on her feet. “The man is a war veteran. I think we can all agree that his actions overseas were on behalf of our country and should in no way be construed to be anything but honorable in this court today.”
The judge agreed. “Sustained. Counselor, please move on to a more pertinent line of questioning.”
“Yes, your honor. I am actually building up to it.” He turned back to Derek. “While you were overseas, did any of your missions ever end badly? What I mean is, were any of your killings ever investigated for any reason?”
I could feel my insides turning to stone, the weight of everything threatening to make me crumble right then and there. Something was about to happen. I didn’t know what, but judging by Derek’s expression, a pained one of guilt and anguish, I knew it was going to be horribly and irreversibly bad.
Diane who had never bothered to take her seat interjected again, “I object your honor. How is this relevant?”
The judge sent a questioning glance toward opposing counsel who assured him, “Oh, it is, you honor. I believe you’ll all see why as soon as the witness answers.”
Judge Parrish nodded. “I’ll allow it. Objection overruled.”
Diane sunk into her chair, a hint of worry pooling around her lips.
“Mr. Tice. Your answer?”
Derek cleared his throat. “No. I have never been investigated for any of my actions.”
The lawyer squinted skeptically. “Not even when your troop was responsible for the murders of seventeen minors under your lead?”
There was an audible gasp in the room. I thought it’d been Diane. Then I saw her staring at me and realized I’d been the source of it.
My eyes locked on Derek, who was fixed only on me when he responded, “No. Not even then.”
***
Court had been a complete fucking disaster. After, Joss wouldn’t even speak to me. And who could blame her. Not only had she found out that I was a child killer, but I had done undeniable damage to her case. Even if I hadn’t done anything legally wrong, there was no way it wouldn’t be held against me in some way that I’d essentially been responsible for the deaths of seventeen boys.
Diane had done her best to clean up the mess my past had made in court, and maybe it had even been enough. But there was no one coming to my defense when it came to Joss.
The remainder of the afternoon went by without her so much as looking at me even though I was seated only inches from her. We were no longer a united front fighting for a common cause. We were broken. Fucking destroyed by something I could never undo.
When court finally let out, Joss took off without a word. Diane cut me off in the hall before I could run after her.
“What the hell was that today?” she hissed. “Didn’t I specifically ask you if there was anything they could use against you?”
“The whole thing was classified, Diane. I couldn’t have told you even if I wanted to.” My eyes darted through the crowd of people heading for the doors, trying to spot Joss and Wyatt. I didn’t know what was worse, them leaving without me or them being out there with Travis.
“If it’s so Goddamned classified, how the hell did the other side know about it?” Diane demanded.
Fuck if I knew. “Lucky guess? The media caught hold of the story after it happened. They had hardly any information, but they ran with it anyway. Blew everything completely out of proportion.” I peered down at my hands. They were balled into fists. All of my anger was flooding to them, ready to explode, but there was no one and nothing to hit. “My contract was up shortly after and I didn’t re-enlist. They must have lined up the dates and just taken a stab at it, hoping they’d hit dirt. Which they did, obviously.”
Diane’s anger seemed to be dying down and even slowly morphing into concern. “For what it’s worth, whatever happened over there, I know you’re a good man. You’re a soldier who probably had to do unspeakable things for the sake of our safety and freedom. That doesn’t make you a murderer in my book.” Her lips pressed together in a pained smile and then she was gone, too.
By the time I got to my truck, there was no sign of Joss anywhere. I tried calling her repeatedly, but by the seventh time, she’d shut her phone off and it was going straight to voicemail. I didn’t bother leaving any messages. She’d never listen to them anyway. Plus, she’d warned me from day one, they’d only piss her off.
When I finally pulled into the driveway, Bobby’s car was parked behind her Bronco. He came stalking out onto the front porch before I even turned off the engine.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to be here right now, man.” Bobby was standing there with his arms crossed against his chest, like he thought he could in some way keep me from walking in that door.
“I have to be here. This is my home. That is my family.” I pointed at the house behind him. Joss’s house. Our house. It contained everything I loved most.
“Look, I know you want to run in there and tell her your side of the story, but she’s not ready. She’s fucking losing it right now.” A slight grin crept onto his face. “I’m telling you, man, I’m blocking your path for your own safety.”
“I don’t need you to do that. I do need you to let me go in so I can see her. I’d rather not have to move you out of the way myself.” I tried my damnedest to sound like I was at least halfway joking, but it hardly came across that way.
Bobby stepped aside at last. “By all means. Enter at your own risk.”
And I did.
I could hear Aunt Deb in the kitchen with Wyatt, but bypassed them both to go find Joss. She was in the bedroom, busily throwing all of my belongings into a pile on the floor while Hattie looked on in confusion.
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“Oh good. You’re here,” she snapped when she saw me.
“We need to talk.”
“Yes we do. How fast do you think you can get all your shit out of here?” She tossed a handful of my shirts into the growing mound at her feet.
“I’m not leaving.”
“Fuck yeah, you are.” Her eyes – the ones that were usually smoldering with a heat that made me melt just being in their gaze – were now cold as stone. No feelings poured from them, not even hatred. They were just dead. “We don’t need you, Derek Tice. Sorry, but you’re going to have to find a new cause to help you ease your conscience. Wyatt and I can’t be your path to restitution anymore.”
I swallowed hard. She fucking knew exactly where to hit me. “You really think that’s the reason I’m here?”
She stopped what she was doing. “Can you honestly say it played no role in any of this? Come on, I know you. I may not know what happened over there, but I know you, and there’s no way you could live with hurting children. Even if it wasn’t your fault, even if it wasn’t you personally, you would take responsibility for it. And then you would move forward trying to save every child who crossed your path, because somehow, that would make you feel like you could make right what went wrong. Maybe you could never undo it, but you could find some small sense of peace in knowing you saved someone else’s son. Eased someone else’s mother’s heartache. It’s a nice sentiment. It really is. But I can’t be that mother anymore. And you’re done using my son.”
“How can you fucking say that to me? Fine, yes, what happened over there broke me. It fucking broke me. And maybe I walked away thinking I could pay forward what I could never pay back. And, fuck, but yeah, it played a part in my motivation for wanting to marry you. The moment Bobby told me about Travis and what he had done to you, all I wanted to do was keep you and Wyatt safe from him.” I took a step toward her. “But that wasn’t the only reason, Joss, and I know that you know that. You have owned me from the first time I saw you standing outside the Flying Monk. The first time you fucked with me and had a good laugh about it after. Joss, I’ve wanted you since long before I even knew Wyatt existed, let alone Travis.”
She was biting the inside of her lip. A good sign since it meant she was at least thinking about what I’d said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
My hands fell to my sides in surrender. “I was scared. You’re a mother. Your sun rises and falls with Wyatt. How could you ever look at me the way you have these last few weeks if you’d known the truth?”
“How am I supposed to look at you now?” she breathed. Tears were rolling down her soft cheeks and all I wanted was to kiss them away, but I couldn’t.
“What can I do, Joss? Tell me how to fix this?” Because I had to fucking fix this.
“Tell me the truth.”
I nodded. “Alright. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you all of it.” I closed my eyes as the images of that night flooded my mind as if on cue. Then I began. “There were eight of us. We were told to go in at night, find the target, take him out and then leave again like we’d never even been there. Only, the information we’d been given was wrong. When we entered the part of the compound he was supposed to be in, he wasn’t there. Just his wife and two kids. We retreated immediately, leaving all three unharmed, but her screams alerted the guards. Before we knew it, men with machine guns were swarming the area. It was pitch-black out and even with our night vision goggles on, we could only make out figures. Two of my men were hit. We had to get out, immediately. And we did that by any means necessary. It wasn’t until the next day that we learned the ‘men’ who had shot at us were only boys. Ages ranging from twelve to sixteen. That’s how young they are when they’re torn from their families and forced to pick up guns and start killing.” I couldn’t turn my head to face her. “I didn’t even use my weapon that night. I was busy carrying Darius. He’d been hit multiple times and was barely conscious by the time we got out of there. But it was my mission. My orders, my men, my responsibility.”
I heard the mattress squeak softly as Joss sank down into it. “You could have died,” she whispered. It was the last reaction I had expected.
“For a long time I fucking wished I had.” I stepped around the pile of clothes and went to kneel down before her. “Then I met you. You saved me, Joss. And not because I felt like I needed to save you, but because you could see past the broken pieces and still love what was left.”
Her eyes had turned from stone to bottomless pools a man like me could drown in. “I wish I could believe that.”
“Why can’t you?” I had both of her hands in mine, as if I could somehow maintain the connection between us that way. I knew I couldn’t. I could already feel her slipping away. Her fingers hadn’t locked into mine automatically like they always had. They were simply resting in my grasp, only there because I was still holding on. She had already let go.
“Because, Derek, I’ll always wonder now if you’re here because you want to be, or because you think you need to be. And that’s not the kind of love I can live with.”
“You can’t be serious. You can’t possibly believe that after everything that’s happened!” I jumped back to my feet, her hands freed from mine in an instant.
“Sorry. It’s how I feel.” Her voice was flat and completely devoid of feeling.
“Really? You’re going to fucking lie to my face? What is it really, Joss? What are you so fucking scared of now that you would rather chase me away than face it together?”
Her eyes shifted into narrow slants. “You.”
One single fucking word and I felt the air get pressed from my lungs. Me. She was scared of me. It was the most hurtful thing she could have possibly said to me and she knew it. And knowing that she’d done it anyway was enough to make me question why the fuck I was even still putting up a fight.
She stood from the bed. “I’m going to go and check on Wyatt. Today was really hard on him and things aren’t about to get any easier. Please be gone before I come back down this hall to get him ready for bath.”
That was it. She walked out. And all I could do was watch. I was too pissed and fucking heartbroken to do shit else.
Chapter Eighteen
Ever since Derek had been on the stand I felt like my day had passed in a dizzying blur. I felt nauseous and my head was fucking pounding to the point I wanted someone to drill a hole in my skull just to release the pressure. Or knock me the fuck out.
Bobby and Aunt Deb had both taken turns trying to talk me down from the ledge I was dancing on like a crazy person, but there was no coming back from where I was headed. Too many lives were at stake – along with my sanity – and I had to cut the dead weight to move on. My heart had to go. And Derek with it.
Even after he’d tracked me down and let his soul bleed freely at my feet, I’d turned him away. Forced him to go, because losing him now somehow seemed better than someday finding out I’d never really had him at all. I was torn on that, though. Logically, I could see it all clear as day. He’d felt responsible for those boys who died. He hadn’t been the one to kill them, or to put them in the middle of war to begin with, but he was Derek and so he’d made it his fault above all others. Because he held himself to those standards. Standards he’d never expect anyone else to reach, but ones he couldn’t bear to fall short of himself.
So, defeated and broken, he’d come home. Walked away from the only world he knew and tried to make right what had gone wrong. He’d adopted Hattie, probably because the silence that came with sleeping alone at night made his nightmares worse. Then, he’d somehow stumbled upon the idea of taking her in to visit children at the hospital. A noble, kind gesture, one he no doubt would have thought to do even under the best of circumstances. And that was the problem, really.
All along I’d known that Derek would do the right thing. Always. Without doubt or hesitation, I knew he would show up. He would protect. And he would be true to his word. All things in a man that women would bend over backwards
in stiletto heels and Spanx for, and maybe I should have too. But I couldn’t. Not when I’d needed him to be all of those things. More importantly, my son had needed him to be them. My son. An innocent boy being threatened by a force too big for me to fight on my own. Precisely the sort of boy Derek was on a mission to save. I couldn’t be a mission to the man I loved. And I couldn’t live with the possibility that I was.
So, I took the part of my heart that belonged to him now and killed it. Drowned it in the anguish and fury I felt over the injustice of it all. The injustice of having been lost and then finally found and falling beautifully in love only to have it be tainted by a reality in which I’d never be able to tell the truth of my heart from the lies it told.
Logically, I knew all of this. Could see it clearly. Understood it perfectly. Emotionally was another story altogether. My soul felt sick at the thought of losing Derek. In the deepest darkest parts of myself, a small voice was screaming at me, furious that I could be so stupid as to buy into the spewing of my sensible mind, when here in the plainest way possible was such unmistakable evidence even the best arguments of my head would falter.
But that voice was easy to silence. I’d learned to shut her up a long time ago. And so, I did just that. Told her to crawl back into the dark canyons that riddled my heart and stay there. She’d clearly done enough damage over the years.
It wasn’t surprising that sleep had left me along with Derek, and by day three of trying to get a grip on my life while I was stuck in yet another state of limbo as the judge took time out to review everyone’s statements along with our previous case before he was prepared to make a decision, I was still puking my guts out every time Aunt Deb force fed me even the tiniest morsel of food. Between the exhaustion and the lack of nutrition, I was pretty sure I’d be comatose before long. Not a bad prospect, all things considered, provided some doctor would be able to snap me out of it come ruling day.
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