I took my finger to the screen and traced it along his face. “Are you crying?”
He sniffled and shook his head as if mad at himself. “I just got a little emotional. Can’t say that’s ever happened to me while jerking off before.”
The fact that I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t comfort him was pure torture.
His voice was hoarse. “I’m trying so fucking hard.”
We stared at each other for a while. He’d told me he loved me several times. But I think this was the first moment that it actually had sunk in. This man really loved me. I saw it more clearly than ever. Seeing the tears he was trying to fight, the emotions that a simple sexual act could ignite, I knew. Channing was scared to lose me. He’d been acting calm and controlled and trying to give me space, but he was really hurting.
Any shred of doubt I had about his feelings for me was obliterated in that moment.
***
Later that night, I was sitting alone in my new flannel pajamas drinking the cocoa he’d sent me with a big peppermint stick inside the mug when a text came in.
Channing: You sleigh me.
Holding the phone to my chest, I smiled so hard. Sleigh not slay—for Christmas. My fingers hovered over the keys, wanting so badly to type those three words: I love you. But I promised him I wouldn’t say them unless I was his. That rule extended to text messaging, too. I certainly felt like I belonged to him tonight, but Rory was still in the picture, wasn’t he? It wouldn’t have been fair to go against Channing’s wishes.
How do you tell someone you love them without actually saying it? Ultimately, I couldn’t put into words what I felt—especially with that limitation. So, I opted for a simple response and hoped he could read between the lines.
Amber: You sleigh me, too. So much.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
* * *
AMBER
His melodic knock made me jump from my seat.
When I opened, my heart sped up a bit. He was dressed to the nines in black trousers and a fitted, sage green sweater with a collared shirt underneath. His sleeves were rolled up, displaying an expensive-looking watch I’d never seen on him.
Rory had come straight from the airport to my house. His blond hair was perfectly gelled, and he’d grown out his beard a little. His blue eyes were glowing. Honestly, he’d never looked better.
He was holding a white poinsettia plant and reached it out to me. “This is for you.”
I took it and placed it on a table. “Thank you.”
It was weird to not be greeting him with a hug or kiss, but we were both holding back for obvious reasons.
His eyes were piercing. “You look really pretty,” he said, slipping his hands slowly into his pockets.
“So do you.”
He squinted. “I look pretty? Not exactly what I was going for.”
“You know what I mean. Handsome.” Shaking my head, I said, “I’m not really thinking straight.”
The awareness of Rory’s signature Kenneth Cole Reaction cologne immediately brought me a little sense of comfort, reminding me of times when life was far simpler.
“Yeah. You’re nervous. It’s weird to see you this nervous around me. Try not to be. It’s freaking me out a little.” He placed his hand on my arm. “It’s just me, Amber.” His touch definitely didn’t go unnoticed.
“I feel like I’m on my first date with you all over again.”
“How about we not focus on all of the complicated shit for one day? The last thing I want to do is think about the past week. Just be with me. Let’s enjoy Christmas. Plus, Boris has the best booze. It’s like a geriatric bar up in there.” He flashed a crooked smile that was contagious.
Maybe living in denial was the best way to handle this evening. Rory was not about to acknowledge Channing anyway. Aside from the first night he’d discovered that Channing and I were together, he hadn’t so much as mentioned his name. I knew it was too painful for him.
“Well, I can definitely get behind good booze.” I smiled.
“Good.”
We made our way out of the condo. Rory’s car was already running when we got outside. His heated seats felt so good against my bottom.
It was completely quiet for the first five minutes of our drive.
Suddenly, Rory pressed some buttons and The Chipmunk Song came on. He knew that song always cracked me up. The Chipmunk Song: Don’t Be Late as performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks was my ultimate favorite Christmas tune.
I didn’t know if it was my stress-level as of late or what, but I just lost it and began to laugh so hard that I was practically crying. Those high-pitched voices were just the medicine I needed.
When the song finished, I wiped my eyes and turned to him. “Thank you for that.” Hiccup.
Oh, no. I’d laughed so hard, I’d given myself the hiccups.
“Hiccups are here! Christmas just got better,” Rory teased.
“I’m sorry.” I laughed.
“For what?” He glanced over at me while still trying to keep his eyes on the road. “I love your hiccups.”
Something about the way he’d said it squeezed at my chest, like he was really trying to tell me he loved me, not my hiccups.
“I downloaded the whole Chipmunks album if you want to listen to more,” he said. “We could just put it on a constant loop, get drunk, and forget the past year ever happened.”
“Wouldn’t that be something?”
That was an interesting thought. If I could erase the past year, would I? A part of me wished I could go back to the simplicity of the way things were before the break-up. But another part knew I would never trade the time I had with Channing for anything.
“So, who’s gonna be there tonight?” I asked.
“Boris, his daughter, Stephanie, her husband, Mitchell, and their daughter, Sophie.”
“Wow, okay. I wasn’t sure if it was just gonna be him and us.”
“He’s normally alone. They live in Connecticut, but they’re obviously here for Christmas. They’re spending the night at his place.”
My breath was visible as we stepped out of Rory’s BMW and onto the sidewalk in front of his house. Thankfully, my hiccups had subsided.
I could see Boris and his family through the window. Snowflakes were starting to fall. It was going to be a white Christmas after all.
When the door opened, Boris greeted me with welcoming arms. “There she is…the famous Amber. I’ve heard a lot about you, darlin.’ We only have two rules in this house. You make yourself at home, and you leave your troubles behind.”
“Well, this sounds like exactly the kind of place I need tonight.”
Rory took my coat, and I followed Boris into the kitchen.
“Rory told me you’re a Cosmo girl,” he said.
It didn’t register at first. “A what?”
“The drink. You like it, right? I had Stephanie pick up the ingredients from the liquor store to make you some.”
“Oh! The drink. Yes, it’s my favorite. That was really nice of you, Boris.”
Rory put his hand on Boris’ shoulder. “Thank you.”
Stephanie came rushing into the kitchen. She was wiping her hand on her pants so she could extend it to me. “Sorry…peanut butter hands. I’m Stephanie. You must be Amber.”
“So nice to meet you.”
Stephanie kissed Rory on the cheek. It was clear that they considered him like family.
After she introduced me to her husband and daughter, we sat around the living room enjoying our drinks and the appetizers that were laid out on the table.
The artificial Christmas tree was lit up with piles of presents underneath, and holiday music was playing on low volume.
At one point, Stephanie announced that it was time for the annual people decorating tradition. She divided the room into three teams: Boris and Sophie, herself and Mitchell, and Rory and me. The object of the game was that one person would decorate the other like a Christmas tree. Rory volunteered to be the t
ree for our team.
Stephanie gave out scissors, construction paper, tinsel, foil, tape, and little jingly balls. Each team had ten minutes to decorate their person.
Stephanie would then post pictures on her Facebook page and let her friends decide the winning team.
Rory was a good sport as I wrapped him up like a present. We would laugh every time pieces of paper or tinsel would fall off of him. Our eyes would lock, and for fleeting moments, I would neglect to remember that he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. With just the right amount of alcohol in me and this fun holiday game, it was becoming easier to forget the heartbreaking situation I’d gotten myself into.
The game finished, and Sophie ended up taking the prize. Afterward, we all sat around the living room again for coffee and dessert. It was really hard not to love these people; they were warm and welcoming.
Rory was being very quiet, overall. He’d steal glances at me as he ate his pie, but we were both pretty much letting everyone else take control of the conversations.
“Let me tell you something about your Rory,” Stephanie said as she pointed her cheesecake-laden fork at me. My Rory. “He’s a saint. He is so gosh darn good to my dad. I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t looking after him. I used to worry so much, but with Rory upstairs now, I don’t have to.”
Rory smiled. “Well, he hasn’t kicked me out of the house yet, so…”
She looked at me. “You have an amazing boyfriend there.”
The expression on his face dampened. Clearly, Stephanie assumed we were together. I was surprised she didn’t know, since Rory mentioned he told Boris everything.
Rory looked unsure of whether to correct her then said, “We’re not together anymore, actually.”
A look of embarrassment washed over Stephanie’s face. “Oh…I’m sorry. I just assumed…” She turned to her father. “Dad, you told me they were together.”
“I didn’t say that. I said…she was his love.”
The room went still for a moment.
She looked over at me and seemed to cringe. “Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I feel stupid now. Well, not that my opinion matters, but you two make such a beautiful couple. Truly. I hope you can work it out. You’d make beautiful babies someday.”
Her words were like a knife to the heart. I couldn’t believe she’d said that. A pain so enormous filled my chest. Just like that, our joyous, merry evening turned dark.
Rory was just looking down at his shoes. He’d been so cool and calm tonight, so positive, really putting his best foot forward to make me comfortable and to enjoy the evening without bringing up any drama. That couldn’t have been easy for him given the circumstances. But that comment was like a huge slap in the face, even though she obviously had no clue what she’d done.
He suddenly got up. “Excuse me.” Then, he headed toward the kitchen.
I wasn’t sure whether to join him or give him space.
Boris struggled to get up from his seat before walking over to the kitchen.
Left alone with Stephanie and her family, I flashed an awkward smile then dove back into my cake, forcing some of it down.
I could overhear Boris talking to Rory from where I was sitting. Since his hearing was going, he didn’t do a very good job of whispering.
“I’m sorry, Rory. I didn’t tell Stephanie what was going on because I didn’t think it was my place.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’m good. I just needed a breather.”
“She’s lovely, son. I hope it works out.”
Unable to take it anymore, I placed my plate down on the coffee table and headed to the kitchen. Boris made his way back to the living room when he noticed me enter.
Rory poured himself some liquor. He didn’t look up when he said, “You didn’t have to get up. I’m a big boy.”
Placing my hand on his arm, I said, “I know you are. You’re the strongest person I know.”
He froze for a moment upon my touch. “Are you having an okay time?”
“Yeah…everyone is really nice. I’m pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I am here.” As he downed the alcohol, I said, “You sure you’re okay?”
He placed the glass on the counter. “I’m good. I already said that. I’m great. Why don’t you go back to the living room. I’ll be right there, okay?”
I searched his face for the truth. “Alright.”
He really wasn’t okay, but I had to respect his wishes.
We didn’t have a clear plan for the rest of the evening. I assumed I’d be going upstairs with him, and that worried me a little, mainly because I didn’t know how to handle myself alone with him anymore.
Rory somehow got finagled into making a gingerbread house with Sophie. I watched as he patiently helped her piece everything together.
I was certain that Rory would make a wonderful father someday, regardless of whether the child was his biologically or not. I’d always known that about him because of how well he always took care of me.
Boris took me aside while Rory was still in deep with the gingerbread house.
“Can I talk to you for a minute, darling?”
Taken aback, I stood up from my seat. “Of course.”
Rory’s eyes darted over to me when he noticed me walking away with the old man. He looked a little alarmed.
Offering a reassuring smile, I mouthed, “It’s fine.”
He led me down the hall and into his bedroom, which was more like a shrine to the woman I could only assume was his late wife. There were pictures of her and him everywhere, taking up almost every inch of space on his bureau and walls. The décor in the room was still quite feminine, likely her touches that he never wanted to change.
He picked up one of the framed photos. That’s my Ellie. See…in the end, all you have are memories. But you get to choose now who stars in the movie that is your life.” He put the photo back. “He really deeply loves you.”
I swallowed. “I know.”
“He told me the whole story…about this Fanning. He’s worried that you’ve really fallen in love with him and that it’s too late.”
“Channing,” I corrected.
“Yeah. Okay, whatever. Anyway, I know this isn’t a simple situation. You might be thinking that I asked you to come in here so that I can convince you to take Rory back, but I’m not gonna do such a thing. I would never tamper with a situation that isn’t any of my business. No one can tell someone who to love.” He pointed to his chest. “The answer is already in your heart…somewhere in here, and it’s not going to come from me or anyone else. Only you know what you really want. What I can ask you is to not waste his time or lead him on if you figure it out and have no intention of being with him. He may be putting on a strong front, but he’s not that strong. He’s not stupid, either. He takes full responsibility for the decision he made when he broke up with you. He doesn’t expect sympathy. He just wants your love if it’s still there, and he’s willing to swallow his pride to get it back. If it’s not there anymore, then let him find the person he can make memories with.”
The thought of Rory moving on with someone else was still a painful one. Old habits die hard.
“I promise, I don’t want to string him along. I’m still trying to figure out what’s inside. It feels like a jumbled mess right now, and it’s literally making me ill. I feel this constant pain inside of my chest that had never been there before, because I’m in love with both of them.”
“You might think so, but you can’t really be in love with two people. You want to love them both because you care for them both. The stress of not wanting anyone to get hurt is suppressing your ability to decipher your true feelings. Don’t force it. Let it come to you.”
“Thank you for not judging me, Boris. I know your allegiance is with Rory, and please believe me when I say, I only want the best for him, too.”
When we returned to the living room, Rory stood up from the couch. I could tell he was itching to leave.
The gingerb
read house he’d made with Sophie looked completely finished, covered in frosting, sprinkles, and gumdrops.
“Are you leaving?” Sophie asked him.
“I think I need to get Miss Amber home.”
The little girl pouted. “We haven’t even eaten the house yet.”
He knelt to meet her at eye level. “All that work, and you want to eat it?”
She looked at him like he was crazy for asking. “That’s the fun part!”
Stephanie took the hint that we were ready to go. She stood up and offered me a hug. “Amber, it was so nice meeting you. I just friended you on Facebook. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all, and so great meeting you, too.” I looked down at Sophie and smiled. “And you.”
Boris hugged me goodbye. “Goodnight, my lady. It was a pleasure.”
“The pleasure was all mine.”
Once out in the hallway that connected the two apartments, Rory turned to me. “Will you come upstairs for a little while before I drive you back?”
“Yes, of course.”
***
Ecstatic to see me, Bruiser jumped up to lick my face when we entered Rory’s apartment. The dog followed me over to the couch and placed his head on my lap.
Rory sat across from us on the chaise lounge. “So, are you gonna tell me what Boris said to you? I hope he didn’t embarrass me.”
“No, it was fine—nothing like that. He told me he knew what was going on with us. He was just looking out for you—and me. He’s a good man, very wise.”
We were quiet for a while, but he never took his eyes off me. He looked like he had so much to say, though.
Rory’s stare was penetrating. “I can’t even think about you with Channing.” It surprised me that he mentioned his name.
He went on, “I choose not to, because it’s too painful for me. But I’m not gonna stand here and tell you all the reasons why I’m a better fit for you, why you should choose me. That’s for you to decide. I’m not bringing him into this because my feelings for you have nothing to do with anyone else.” He looked down at the ground and shook his head. “I made a mistake—a big one. Nothing good ever comes out of hiding the truth. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.”
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