She was still looking into my eyes as I was softly rubbing her arm. I had this urge to tell her about my upcoming biopsy at UCLA; that my Pap smear had come back irregular and that they are going to have to put me under and do a surgical procedure in order to get a proper biopsy. It’s a year ago exactly that we were in Germany and I had the “cancer for a day.” I wanted to tell her that I’m kind of nervous but that didn’t seem appropriate, either, after what she’s been through. I had this maudlin thought that maybe if it was positive, I’d be joining her in the not too far-off future. I sure couldn’t do what she has done. Nor would I want to.
Finally, the nurse came in and gave her the pain medication, and soon her eyes were closing. I kissed her on the forehead. Then I remembered. “When they move you out of ICU, I asked if they could put a cot in your room so I can spend the night. We’ll have a slumber party.” She opened her eyes and tried to say something, but nothing came out. I kissed her again and said good-night. I walked alone out into the balmy June night. I wondered how Ryan was doing. Redmond. Her daddy, Jimbo. How will they all make it through this? How will I?
Farrah Fawcett passed away on June 25, 2009.
THE FINAL CHAPTER
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
My thoughts have been filled with Farrah for such a long time that I’m not sure what I’ll think about now. I guess it’s not as easy as that. It seems she’s all I think about. I go to sleep thinking about her and I wake up thinking about her. A huge, gaping hole has been left in my life and my heart. Who will I laugh with and complain to on the phone late at night? Who will I talk to about silly, superficial things—like hair, shopping, the latest bronzer? Who will I commiserate with when my kids are going through hard times? Or when I’m dating someone (if I ever do again!) and I want her wise and always insightful take on it? And saddest of all, who will I make pecan pies with when the holidays roll around? During the last couple of years, when our conversation was dominated mainly by cancer, Farrah and I always found something to laugh about. I believe that’s one of the reasons Farrah was able to keep up her fight for so long; her humor, as well as her indomitable spirit and dogged determination, pulled her through and defied the odds. Until now.
When I embarked on this journey with her, neither of us had any idea where the path would lead. We hoped we were steering toward a happy ending, a cure for her cancer. But in not knowing, we put our faith in medicine, God, and each other. This experience has changed my life forever, and the lessons that eluded me in the past are finally sinking in. I wish I could wrap them all up in neat little packages and give them to my children for Christmas, so that they don’t have to learn them the hard way.
I have learned that you must live life fully and appreciate every precious minute. Your life can change in the blink of an eye; you never know what tomorrow holds, so you have to stay in the present. I’ve spent so much time regretting the past or fearing the future that I’ve rarely enjoyed just being here in the moment. I think of all the times when my kids have called and I’ve been in a rush and I didn’t give them my full attention. Or when I’ve been too tired to cook a Sunday family dinner. Or when my dogs came to me, tails wagging, longing for my affection, and I gave them a quick pat as I dashed out the door. Moments I can never retrieve. I know now that you must cherish the people you love and spend all the time that you can with them—quality time.
A therapist once told me that he’d been with many people when they died and never once, in their last moments, did anyone talk about how many Ferraris they had owned or how many houses they had or how much money they had accumulated. He said it was always about how much they had loved or been loved. He said that love is all you remember; love is all that counts.
Being with Farrah these past several years has opened my heart and taught me the meaning of unconditional love in a way I haven’t experienced since my children were born. And as I’ve watched my beautiful friend slip away, I’ve realized how important it is not only to open your heart and love deeply and fully but to tell the people you love how much they mean to you. I’m so glad I had the chance to do that with Farrah before the end. I only wish I had told her more often. Friendship with a woman is right up there with your relationship with your mate and your children. Maybe there was a time in my past when I wasn’t always the best friend I could be, but from now on I will be. I realize the value and importance of it, and what a gift a true friend is.
Something else I’ve learned from my journey with Farrah is that we all have a source of inner strength to call upon, no matter what difficulties we may be facing. During this time with her, I’ve found myself in circumstances where I felt momentarily terrified—completely unequipped to face what was before me. I’ve had to dig down deep and find that inner strength that we all have. I believe that it comes from a Higher Power or God or whatever one chooses to call this force greater than we are. Now I know that this source gives me strength and courage to face whatever challenges may arise.
I’ve spent so much of my life in fear; mostly about my children or my future. Farrah was not a fearful person. She faced life head-on, and even though there were times she was obviously afraid, she did what she had to do with courage and dignity. David Kessler, a wonderful writer and motivational speaker, once said something in one of his talks that has stuck with me forever: “Fear doesn’t stop you from dying; it stops you from living.”
In going on this journey with Farrah I made a conscious decision: to put my friend’s needs before my own; to put my problems on the back burner and to focus on what I had to do to help her. It’s the oldest spiritual principle in the world. Kabbalah says that the only path to true joy and fulfillment is by becoming a being of sharing; it’s more than just doing good deeds—it’s a shift in consciousness. A shift from “What’s in it for me?” to “How can I be of service?” From “What can I get?” to “What can I give?”
When I did this, something remarkable happened: my life transformed and many of my problems were solved; the Universe worked them out for me in ways I had never dreamed possible. I was talking to our friend Mela the other day and saying that I felt guilty that good things were happening in my life while we were losing Farrah. She said, “No, that’s not it at all. This is what Farrah would have wanted for you. Maybe somehow she’s had a hand in all this. It’s her gift to you.” I know she was right.
I started out wanting to “save” my friend. I wasn’t successful—none of us was. And it will sadden me forever. Yet she’s saved me in so many ways. And now, Ryan and I both will carry on her legacy as best we can. I’ll continue to be her voice and fight for alternative treatments for cancer. I’ll help in any way that I can to raise money for her foundation for cancer research. She’s given so much to the world, and the least we can do is to keep her flame burning. I know it will anyway. The world will never forget Farrah Fawcett. I know I certainly won’t.
* * *
A friend loveth at all times.
—PROVERBS 17:17
* * *
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TO RYAN O’NEAL, MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO YOU FOR encouraging me, supporting me, and cheering me on during a most difficult and painful time for both of us. I feel that we are truly family now. I will always be on your team.
To Sheryl Berk, with my deepest gratitude for your tireless dedication, late nights, and your good-natured attitude—even in the most harried of deadlines. When I say I couldn’t have done this book without you, I really mean it.
To the best literary agent in the world, Frank Weimann, my deepest appreciation to you for believing in me so wholeheartedly and being available any time of the night or day for my endless phone calls.
To Marianne Williamson, who has been my loving friend and spiritual mentor, and has always assured me and encouraged me that I could—and should—do this.
To the publishing team at HarperCollins: Lisa Sharkey, Matt Harper, Amy Kaplan, thank you for your faith in this book and me, and for convincing me that I
could meet deadlines that were almost inhumanly possible.
To Dr. Ursula Jacob, Dr. Lawrence Piro, Dr. Thomas Vogl, and Dr. Claus Kiehling: thank you for your dedication and compassion. And most of all, for how much you cared for Farrah.
To Paul Bloch and Arnold Robinson, thank you for your wonderful advice and support.
To Christine Romeo, for your assistance throughout this process.
To all my friends and family, whom I haven’t always been available to for these last three years. Thank you for understanding. I love you all.
And last but not least, to George Hamilton, for having always encouraged me to write.
About the Author
ALANA STEWART is an actress, former model, and talk-show host who has worked in Hollywood for almost forty years. She filmed and produced Farrah’s Story, a documentary about her friend Farrah Fawcett’s battle with cancer, which aired on NBC in May 2009. Alana devoted the past three years of her life to helping Farrah through her harrowing and courageous journey. She lives in Los Angeles, California.
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Credits
Jacket Photography Courtesy of the Author
Copyright
MY JOURNEY WITH FARRAH. Copyright © 2009 by Alana Stewart. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition July 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-196342-1
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