Cozy Christmas Shorts

by Halliday, Gemma

  Frank just walked out of the room. The others looked at each other before deciding to follow him. Out the door they went, around the right side of the house.

  I pointed at Gin and Paris. "You know what to do." And I took off through the back of the house and into the jungle behind it.

  The red herring was a tricky idea. We wanted it to seem to the others that Frank might be the killer. The idea was that Frank would run into the jungle and disappear. There'd be screams, followed by a roar. The idea was that he'd been eaten. I'd wanted to use a panther that lived on the island. He was huge, and menacing looking, and I'd taught him to roar on command. Total pussycat though. He was actually a vegetarian.

  But we'd needed a bear for William's hugged by a bear death. And to kill two birds with one stone, I'd imported a real nasty black bear from the American northwest. The bear was slated for death by the parks department after going on a munchies spree that included one park ranger, two hikers, and a couple of confused and naked frat boys who'd gotten seriously lost on the way to Burning Man.

  I'd named the bear Cuddles, drugged him, and fitted him with a shock collar that would give him a painless death once he'd killed William. Serial murdering bear or not, he was helping us out, so I wanted the end to be, you know, peaceful.

  I'd just made it to the hidden bear pen about fifty feet into the jungle when I heard the shouting. Annie and Madame Angelina were calling out for him not to run into the jungle. William said nothing. I heard feet crashing toward me and waited.

  "Hey, cuz," Frank/Cy said with a grin as he stopped just short of me.

  We both swung ourselves onto the top of the cage. I hit a remote button I'd installed there. Through the loudspeakers in the trees, a horrible roar blasted, followed by the sounds of Frank screaming. Then there was silence.

  "That was fun," Cy said with a grin.

  "You know," I said. "You really scream like a little girl."

  He nodded with a wink. "Like that, did you?"

  "Shhh," I said. We had to make sure the next part happened before I released the bear. From a hidden window on the second floor, Gin was to spray a derivative of a concoction that my cousins Dak and Paris had once used on a bear zookeeper. A sort of barbecue sauce mist, one I'd since rendered undetectable by humans but certainly by bears, would coat William. I'd left a trail of it through the jungle on my way here, stopping just a few yards from the cage. It should lead Cuddles straight to the target.

  The only problem would be getting Madame Angelina and Annie out of the way. That one had me worried. But that's what Paris and Gin were for. The goal was to maneuver William to a distance of at least twenty feet away from the two women. I'd developed a sort of electronic net that would serve as a barrier between William and the ladies. The net wasn't really a net, not like you or I would think. It was a series of electric pulses that basically rendered the women invisible to the bear.

  Paris had laid a stick on the ground in the spot where Madame Angelina would drag Annie off to. Gin would activate the net. In theory, it would work perfectly, and I'd remote electrocute the bear shortly after it mauled William. Paris was set up with a silenced sniper rifle off to the side, in case something went wrong.

  "So," I asked Cy as I fiddled with the cage release. "How does it feel to be dead?" The latch came free, and Cuddles the Bear tore off into the jungle, following the scent I'd left for him.

  Cy shrugged. "Not much different."

  I smiled as I pulled a tablet from a hidden panel on top of the cage and turned it on. The screen popped up, and we saw William standing on the edge of the jungle, trying to look in. Madame Angelina was gripping Annie's arm and had pulled her a safe distance away.

  "How do we know he's really dead?" William snapped. "He could be faking it…"

  Cuddles hit him like a big, furry freight train, taking him down and crushing his throat with his huge jaws.

  Annie screamed, and Madame Angelina dragged her around the side of the house.

  "Ok, Missi," Gin's voice crackled from the tablet. "William's dead, and it's getting gross."

  "Oh. Right," I said. I heard a small sizzle sound and watched the tablet as the bear slumped forward, dead on top of William's also dead body.

  Cy and I jumped down off the top of the cage and ran through the woods. We'd have to be careful in entering the house. Even though Madame Angelina was supposed to bring Annie in through the front door, anything could happen.

  Lex and I had made a secret tunnel from the tree line that extended to the house, with a trapdoor that came up through the secret room. We reached it within seconds, and Cy and I made it back into the house without discovery. We joined Gin and Paris, who were in the passage outside of the dining room.

  Cy looked down at his feet once we hit the memory foam. "Squishy," he said. Unlike the rest of us, his balance on the stuff was perfect. He moved like he'd been born on the moon.

  Inside the dining room, Madame Angelina and Annie were staring at two more smashed Clown statues—courtesy of Gin Bombay. Neither one was moving or speaking. If I didn't know better, I'd think that my cousin really was terrified.

  "We're down to the end." Paris whistled. "What's next?"

  I stared at him. "How come you don't know this stuff??? We went over it like a dozen times!"

  Paris shrugged. "I was buried in my persona. I wanted to get Giuseppe just right."

  Gin rolled her eyes. "Well I don't know about right, but you really were buried in a load of something."

  I touched the frizzy cloud that was Gin's rocker hair. It crunched in my fingers. "You should talk."

  "Seriously," Paris asked again. "What's next?"

  "Liv gets frizzled," Cy said. "Kind of like Gin's hair."

  "That's what the poem says," I said. But in the book, the character gets shot. Liv really wanted to get shot. But I couldn't figure out how to do that if Annie didn't bring a gun."

  We'd opted for electrocution instead. Since that seemed the most like frizzled. I had sent a charge to the metal doorknob in the library, rigged to go on with the flip of a switch. And Madame Angelina was wearing a disruptor I'd designed in her shoes. The effect would make her shake like she was being electrocuted, without her actually being electrocuted. I even had given her earrings that would emit the smell of burnt flesh and hair when activated by the current.

  "Madame Angelina needs a drink," my cousin said as she walked out of the dining room. We watched as Annie hung back for a moment. She picked up one of the two, remaining figurines and held it in her hand for a moment. Annie looked at the doorway and then brought her other hand up and snapped the figurine in two. Very gently, she set it down on the table.

  "Why did she do that?" Gin asked.

  "You and Paris stay with her," I said. Was Annie going to kill the gypsy in an attempt to save herself? Probably. The woman was a cruel, dangerous psychopath. We couldn't rule anything out.

  "Cy and I will head to the library. Meet us there," I said.

  I guess it wasn't too much of a surprise. We'd even anticipated that we wouldn't be able to control Annie when it was just down to the remaining two. But breaking the figurine herself was new. I hadn't seen that coming.

  In the hidden corridor outside the library, Cy and I watched Madame Angelina. She poured herself a drink and turned to face the empty doorway. And while she didn't seem concerned that Annie hadn't followed her in there, I knew she was on full alert.

  Gin came running down the hallway. "She's got a knife in the back waistband of her pants." She pulled a pistol out of the back of her own waistband and stood near the secret entrance, ready to go in if it came down to that.

  Paris joined us. "Just the one knife. But she'll use it."

  "So," Cy asked, "Do you think that she suspects Madame Angelina as the killer? Like in the book?"

  "You've read the book?" Paris frowned.

  Cy looked at him. "Of course. Didn't you?"

  Paris looked sheepish. "I was burying myself in my character," he mumb
led for the one hundredth time.

  "Let's face it," I said, not taking my eyes off the doorway, "we knew this could go off script at any time. We'll just have to be ready to shoot Annie if things don't go according to plan."

  My cousins nodded. Just then, Annie made her way into the room. She kept her back to the wall as she walked to the opposite end.

  "So. It was you all along?" Annie said calmly. "I should've seen that coming."

  Madame Angelina frowned, setting down her drink. "It wasn't me. I didn't do it."

  Annie nodded and took a step closer, bringing both hands behind her back casually. From where we were, we could see her hand close around the knife handle.

  "Does she have any knife throwing skills?" I whispered.

  "Liv's the only one who had full access to her file," Gin answered.

  Paris took up a position by the secret door, gun drawn. Cy aimed his gun at Annie through the two way mirror. Liv was covered.

  "You can drop the act with me," Annie said. "I know."

  Madame Angelina's eyes narrowed. "You know? What do you know?"

  "The poem…the statues…they're all from the book. I've read the book." Annie said with a triumphant looking grin.

  "You read what book?" Angelina frowned, but I thought I could see some excitement in her eyes. Sigh. Christie fans.

  "And Then There Were None," Annie said. "I must say, this was a pretty good tribute. Except for one thing."

  "And what was that?" Madame Angelina's face changed. Her clueless, crunchy gypsy became assassin-hardened Liv Bombay.

  "Vera in the book never figured it out. But I have. And I have no intention of frizzling or whatever you had in mind for that. And I'm certainly not going to hang myself either."

  Liv nodded. "Okay." The accent was gone, replaced with a cold, steely tone.

  Annie looked startled. "Okay?"

  Liv shrugged as she pulled off the headpiece, the rings, and bracelets and threw them on the floor. "Okay. So what happens now?"

  My cousins tensed up. It didn't matter what Liv was doing. We were ready for anything.

  Annie pulled the knife from behind her and held it out. "Now, you get me out of here. Off this island. Back to civilization."

  Liv folded her arms over her chest. "Or what?"

  Annie frowned and looked down at the knife in her hand. "Or else I stab you."

  Liv sighed and pulled her hair back, tying it into a loose bun. "Fine."

  "Fine?" Annie squeaked.

  "Yes. Fine. Stab me." Liv said.

  Annie cocked her head to one side. Clearly she thought she was menacing enough to get my cousin to concede to her demands.

  "I'll do it…" Annie stammered. "I will."

  Liv nodded. "Come at me like it's Christmas, bitch." She brought her hands up and motioned her on.

  Annie looked around. "Okay." Her eyes ranged the room, wondering if she could make it out the door. "Don't push me. You don't have to die. You can just get me out of here."

  Liv smiled like a teacher to a naughty little kid. "That's not how it works, Annie. You are never leaving here alive."

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying this. Assassination is so business-like these days. But this was like some weird Lifetime Holiday Drama of the Week—if those things involved killing people with quicksand and bears.

  "I'm going in," Paris said, his hand on the door handle.

  "No. You're not," I said.

  "That's my sister in there!" he protested.

  Gin shook her head. "No, that's a trained Bombay assassin in there. She knows what she's doing."

  Cy said nothing but kept his gun trained on the mirror. He wasn't even trembling. That man had serious focus.

  "Alright," Annie said at last. "Before I kill you, I just want to know who set us up."

  She wasn't really in a position to make demands.

  Liv shrugged. "I don't know."

  Annie's eyes almost bugged out of her skull. "You don't know? How do you not know?"

  "I don't. That's just how it works," Liv answered. I had to hand it to her. My cousin was calm and collected. She looked like she was getting ready to sit in front of the fire with a glass of eggnog and her knitting.

  Annie waved her knife at the door. "And the others? Who were they?"

  "All stupid, evil, nasty people," Liv said. "Like you."

  "I am not going to die here!" Annie's voice was hysterical. "You won't kill me!"

  "Oh, yes," Liv said quietly. "I'm going to kill you. You're a horrible monster, and you deserve to die for the things you've done."

  "It's Christmas Eve! You can't kill me on Christmas!"

  Liv cocked her head to one side. "I think that killing you will be my favorite present ever. The world will be a better place without you in it. That's what Christmas is about, isn't it?"

  Annie lost it. "It's just business! It's nothing personal!"

  "Oh, it's personal alright." Liv narrowed her eyes.

  Annie's jaw dropped. "Did I take someone belonging to you?"

  Liv shook her head. "Not that I know of."

  "Then why kill me?" Tears began flowing down Annie's cheeks.

  "I wonder how many little girls asked the same thing of you," Liv said.

  "I didn't kill them!"

  "You might as well have," Liv said. "Time's up. Are you going to stab me or what?"

  Annie lunged at Liv, sweeping the knife in front of her. Liv stepped sideways and grabbed Annie's wrist, twisting hard in a direction that a wrist shouldn't have gone in. There was a decided snap.

  The knife fell to the floor and skittered away. Liv bent down, putting her knee across Annie's throat.

  "They'll come looking for me!" she gurgled, her face reddening. "Someone will come looking for me!"

  Liv leaned down, increasing the pressure on the woman's throat. "I'll tell you what you've told countless girls over the years. No one is coming for you. No one is looking for you. And no one will miss you." She pressed down a little harder. "And the only difference between me telling you that, and you telling them that, is that my words are true."

  Annie's eyes went wide just before her trachea made a sick crunching noise. Liv kept up the pressure until she was sure the woman was dead.

  She got to her feet just as Paris came through the hidden door and threw his arms around her.

  "You were worried about me?" Liv asked through the crush of his hug.

  Paris nodded. "I was for a moment there."

  "She had the whole thing under control," I said.

  Gin put a hand on Liv's shoulder. "Are you mad that it didn't go according to plan?"

  Liv shook her head. "Not really. She was strangled in the end. I just didn't get to die."

  "This was fun," Gin said.

  "I agree," Paris said.

  "Let's never do this again." Cy said.

  "Why?" I asked.

  Cy looked at each and every one of us. "I know you're all very good at what you do. But I was worried sick about each and every one of you. And I don't want to go through that again."

  We stared at him. Cy was worried? He never once let on. Clearly he was the best actor of all of us.

  We dragged the five bodies and the bear to the quicksand. One by one, we dumped them in, watching as they slowly sank beneath the surface.

  Raoul picked us up in the van and drove us to the condos. We were all exhausted and barely said goodnight.

  The next morning all of our families arrived, and we got together in the main dining room for a big breakfast. Gin's husband Diego and daughter Romi, Liv's husband Todd and their kids Woody and Alta. Cy and Paris were still single then, but I was already with Lex, and my twin sons, Monty and Jack, were with me.

  In the end, it's all about family at the holidays. And when you're a Bombay, Christmas sometimes comes with a few dead bodies.

  * * *

  "That was AWESOME!" Theo jumped in the air, pumping his fist.

  "It's not a bad story…" Dak said grudgingly. His
wife, Leonie, kissed him, and he smiled.

  Eulalie the Dodo woke up and stretched her tiny wings, before hopping down off my lap.

  Veronica, Leonie, and the other spouses left to put the kids to bed, leaving Gin, Paris, Dak, Cy, Liv and myself sitting in front of the fire.

  "You know," Gin said as she stared into the flames, "I always thought it weird that no one ever tried looking for those five bastards."

  Paris shrugged. "I don't think the world missed them much."

  Liv walked over to Eulalie and sat down beside her on the rug. She rubbed the back of the bird's head, and the dodo made a trilling noise, her eyeballs rolling back into her head. "It's too bad we are retired. That we don't kill the scum of the Earth anymore."

  Dak nodded. "I miss that. Like you said in the story, I always felt like we were making the world a better place."

  "I miss it," I admitted. "Retirement is dull."

  Everyone stopped and stared at me.

  "Tell me you don't think so," I demanded. "Tell me you don't miss the excitement, the planning, the execution, all that."

  One by one, each one of them nodded.

  "Yeah," Gin spoke up. "But I don't miss the Council."

  "Or all those rules," Liv added.

  "Being told what to do," Paris said. "And when."

  We were all quiet, musing on the nostalgic satisfaction that comes from knowing you took some of the worst people on Earth out of circulation. In the kitchen I could hear Leonie and Veronica singing Christmas carols and the clank of dishes being washed.

  "So," Cy said thoughtfully. "We all miss killing bad guys to make the world a better place." He leaned forward, a sly smile crossing his face. "Alright. What are we going to do about it?"

  * * * * *

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Leslie Langtry is the USA Today bestselling author of the Greatest Hits Mysteries series, Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations, The Hanging Tree Tales as Max Deimos, the Merry Wrath Mysteries, and several books she hasn't finished yet, because she's very lazy.